Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Monday, April 28, 2014
Easy On the Sugar?
Viewing this
ad from the 1950’s makes my blood boil.
It typifies
the hostile, non-supportive sentiments unfortunately shared by the very people
who are supposed to love us unconditionally. Ideally, that should be our
spouses.
Unfortunately,
often that is not the case. Comments and frustration can all too often be
expressed by spouses who don’t know what to do with a wife who has disordered
eating of any kind.
My dad was
one such individual. As a child, I remember him making hostile and humiliating
remarks to my mother. She battled her weight for most of her life. And, during
her marriage to my dad, she was overweight.
So, in
addition to learning the importance of being thin and how to diet, I also
learned how marriage was a hostile state of affairs. There was no
unconditional love; there were rigid standards. There was no sensitivity; there
were attacking barbs. There were no terms of endearment; there were only offensive
names made at my mother’s expense.
This reality
was part of what drove me to attempt to keep my eating disorder reality a
secret from my husband. I didn’t want to set myself up as a target for ridicule
and rejection.
Somewhere,
even in spite of Russell showing me otherwise, I still harbored that fear as a
certain reality.
“...I met Russell when I transferred
schools. We were both theatre students and met in the college drama department
when I was a junior. We stayed on friendly, acquaintance-level terms through my
graduation. He was sweet to me, and possessed a dry sense of humor. It made for
supportive, interesting and funny conversations. Still, I looked at him the way
I looked at other guys: a nice friend, but still someone who must never know all
of my ugly weaknesses.
...For
example, on Valentine’s Day, he stopped by my dorm room. Of course, I had been
on my stair stepper for hours and wouldn’t come to the door. I kept yelling
over the music, ‘I’m not done yet!’ He waited as long as he could, but
eventually he had to leave for work. When I finally finished my routine, I got
my stuff together and headed for the dorm showers. When I opened my door, there
was an overwhelmingly huge bouquet of balloons and a card. He had waited for at
least a half-hour for me, just to give me this sweet gift. All I said to him
was ‘I’m not done yet.’ I felt like the biggest jerk in the world.
When
we did fall in love and start to date, I added new fears to my already long
list. The prospect of someone being close enough to truly know me was scary. I
knew that, sooner or later, I would have to tell him the ugly truth about
myself.
Moving
from dating to engagement was difficult for me. I had yet to tell him any of
what I’d experienced, and I felt more and more guilty about lying to him. Every
time we went out to eat, I’d pretend not to have issues with food and weight. I
hated feeling like a liar, but I was scared that he’d reject me if he knew the
truth. What man, in his right mind, looks for all of this mess in a mate? I
knew when I told him that he wouldn’t want me anymore. It bothered me
constantly. He sensed something was wrong, of course, asked me about it. What
do I tell him?
As
we prepared for our wedding, I finally mentioned to him that I had a secret I
wasn’t ready to share with him yet. Of course, he was curious and wanted to
know right then and there, but he displayed patient understanding. He told me
that he loved me and that it didn’t matter what it was. He didn’t pressure me
to tell him. He knew there was a secret and left it at that. Even though his
response helped me feel freer and safer, I still felt guilt pulling at me. I
began wanting to tell him. After all, he’d been so incredible with everything
else I’d told him. He knew about my family secrets. He knew all about my
weaknesses aside from the eating disorders. He knew about all that yet still
chose to love me. But I kept thinking, ‘don’t press your luck.’
...I don’t endorse my secrecy from my husband.
I believe it is vital any young woman suffering from eating disorders be honest
and forthcoming with her future husband. Marriage is a holy covenant and a
serious commitment, and I believe you need to share all of the truth. Even now,
I now look back and often wonder how many tears, how many problems, and how
much pain I could have avoided if I just simply told him. The truth really does
set you free. And in telling him, once again, I discovered, the worst did not
happen.
The
time for truth came a couple of weeks after we were married. It was our first
Thanksgiving together, and we had been married for only twelve days. I was
still feeling relieved that I made it through the nuptials. Russ and I did the
cutesy newlywed couple ‘this is the first mashed potatoes we’ve made together’
and ‘this is our first stuffing and cranberry sauce’ thing. We both ate our
holiday feast, and I had tried not to think about all of the calories.
True
to form, however, I proceeded to exercise after the meal, trying to burn off
‘the damage.’ Russell thought this was strange and unnecessary; it was a
holiday, after all. He told me to just relax and enjoy the day. I, of course,
repeatedly told him that I couldn’t until I’d exercised. The conversation
continued while I was on the stair stepper for two hours. But I saw a new look
on his face: hurt. I was forfeiting my time with him, my brand new husband, to
climb steps that weren’t going anywhere? I was so tired of keeping this secret,
and I wanted to explain myself so badly to him. The only way I could explain it
was to tell him the whole story from the beginning. First, I played an
alternative rock song, an anthem, a coping mechanism for me to deal with the
eating disorders. It was an angry loud song of rage, and I thought that it
would tell him clearly what I’d been through. It didn’t. He didn’t understand
it. I took a deep breath, realizing, ‘No, Sheryle, the song isn’t going to tell
him. You are.’”
(Excerpt taken from Cruse’s book, “Thin
Enough: My Spiritual Journey Through the Living Death Of An Eating Disorder”)
And so I
did.
And the
worst didn’t happen. He didn’t leave me, throw me out in the street, call me worthless
and tell me how much he hated me. No. He looked at me, asked me, “This is the
big secret?” He hugged me, told me he loved me, and told me I was beautiful. I
didn’t have to lie, hide, and pretend anymore in front of the man I loved. I
felt a little freer.
His response is the
comforting ideal; I wish everyone could experience that loving reaction. And,
years later, he’s been with me as I’ve gone through therapy, issues and all
manner of ugly, painful truth. It’s been empowering.
Because of that,
I’ve asked Russell to offer his perspective, as my husband, dealing with the
eating disorder from the outside. The dilemma, of course, is that it’s never
truly outside when you love the person who is affected by the disorder(s).
Nevertheless, Russell has some words of encouragement and
help for those of you husbands, boyfriends, fathers, brothers, friends and sons
out there.
Sheryle: What did you know about eating disorders before you and I got involved?
Russell: I knew about them peripherally, but had no real knowledge about them. I’d heard of anorexia and bulimia but knew little about what they were.
S: What are the “do’s” in dealing with a girlfriend, wife, loved one who has eating disorders of any kind?
R: Be supportive; be understanding and open to listening to them if they talk to you about it. Do seek help for both yourself and your loved one. Educate yourself on what is going on because having an idea what you are dealing with is a good thing.
S: What are the “don’t’s” in dealing with a girlfriend, wife, loved one who has eating disorders of any kind?
R: Don’t assign blame, don’t bargain or try to coerce the person into eating: it doesn’t work. Don’t allow the person’s illness to become the overwhelming force in your life because that helps no one. Don’t be judgmental because that is a component of the “control” issue and reinforces their wrong thinking.
S: What’s the most frustrating thing about living
with/loving someone who struggles with disordered eating?
R: Knowing there
is nothing you can do but try to be supportive and understanding in the face of
their continued practices. Not being able to enjoy certain things without fear
of triggering their disordered patterns.
S: What would you tell boyfriends, husbands and male loved ones right now, about eating disorders?
R: One: It has nothing to do with you. This is something the sufferer did to themselves and your only requirements are to help and be supportive of attempts to get help.
Second: There is no way you can “fix” this. Only when the sufferer chooses to get help for their problem can any progress be made.
S: Any other advice?
R: Always let the person know you love them, no matter what. I think it’s important they know they are loved but there is a line you shouldn’t cross.
Concerning my parents and their
relationship, the unfortunate thing was that, on some level, my dad thought his
actions were helpful. He thought by focusing on my mother’s weight issue,
making fun of her and emphasizing how she shouldn’t eat “this or that,” he was
doing her a favor.
It
was the exact opposite. I saw how obsessed she became about her weight and
dieting; I saw a woman who never accepted herself. I witnessed the hell which
came from that self-rejection, first with her, then as I struggled with my own disordered
eating and images issues.
My
relationship with Russell has shown me it doesn’t have to be that way. He never
flinched at my ugly truth revelations. He loves me. He supports me.
That’s what
should be in any image, not “easy on the sugar.”
Copyright © 2014 by
Sheryle Cruse
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Falling for the "Bad Guy" (CIR)
Appearing in April 22nd’s Christians In Recovery,
this article explores temptation’s role when it comes to our addictions,
compulsions, disorders and vices.
Monday, April 21, 2014
A Good and Perfect Girl...
Looking at
this image, it’s hard not to let out a frustrated sigh.
Here we go again- or
STILL. Looking at this sweet little girl, it’s a painful reminder of the
hostile reality she faces. According to statistics…
50% of girls
between the ages of 11 and 13 see themselves as overweight.
According to Time magazine, 80% of all children
have been on a diet by the time they've reached fourth grade.
86% of people with eating disorders report onset of an
eating disorder by age 20.
10% report onset at ten years or younger.
Eating
disorders are not just affecting young adults and teenagers. Now, it’s
children. Children!
They’re
learning it somewhere, from someone, right?
All the more
reason we need to remember and be vigilant about the following scripture:
“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is
old, he will not depart from it.”
Proverbs 22:6
Are we
placing such dire importance upon perfection, thinness and image? How do we
address and discuss it with our children? They won’t be able to avoid the image
issues.
And, with
girls, especially, there seems to be an emphasis on pleasing, connected to
personal appearance. We may not directly teach the lesson, “you’re a good girl
if you’re thin/pretty,” but they learn it, nevertheless.
We can
impact the voices, however. We can arm our children with the Truth of God’s
Word: you’re already good, wonderful and valuable AS IS!
“Since you were precious in my sight… I have loved you…”
Isaiah 43:4
“I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made…”
Psalm 139:14
“All things were made by him; and without him was not anything
made that was made.”
John 1:3
Let’s tell our children, like this little girl here, they are worthwhile
already!
Copyright © 2014 by Sheryle Cruse
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Friday, April 18, 2014
Gethsemane: Code For...
“I don’t want to do this.”
We’ve uttered that statement frequently in our
lives.
This time of
year, there’s a great deal of emphasis on Jesus. As we prepare for Resurrection
Sunday, we read and remind ourselves just how this whole thing came to be:
hope, salvation and reunion with God. It didn’t just happen.
And a large
part of it depends on Gethsemane.
Yes, Jesus
is amazing and loving. But He still had a night of decision. Hours away from
being crucified, there was a real moment; He didn’t want to do it.
“They went to a place called Gethsemane, and
Jesus said to his disciples, ‘Sit here while I pray.’ He took Peter, James and
John along with him, and he began to be deeply distressed and troubled. ‘My
soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,” he said to them. “Stay
here and keep watch.’
Going a little farther, he fell to the ground
and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from him. ‘Abba
Father,’ he said, ‘everything is possible for you. Take this
cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.’”
Mark 14:32-36
Still, He
obeyed. He placed God’s Will over His own. This was a life and death matter.
And this
would have been a wonderful time to see He was rewarded for it. But things got
worse...
“Then he returned to
his disciples and found them sleeping. ‘Simon,’ he said to Peter, ‘are you
asleep? Couldn’t you keep watch for one hour? Watch and pray so that you will
not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.’
Once more he went away
and prayed the same thing. When he came back, he again found them sleeping,
because their eyes were heavy. They did not know what to say to him.
Returning the third
time, he said to them, ‘Are you still sleeping and resting? Enough! The hour
has come. Look, the Son of Man is delivered into the hands of sinners. Rise!
Let us go! Here comes my betrayer!’”
Mark 14:37- 42
And yes, it
gets still worse from there. We know what happens. And that is extremely
important.
But we often
bypass the Gethsemane moment. And we need to view that instance with equal
importance. After all, Jesus could have
said “no.”
What is it
in your life and in my life which makes us respond with, “I don’t want to do this?”
There is something.
As we
reflect on Resurrection Sunday and what Jesus did, let’s also examine our
lives, what we do- and do not want - to
do.
Gethsemane-
what is that to each one of us?
Copyright © 2014 by
Sheryle Cruse
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
The Good Shepherd- always!
"I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me."
John
10:14
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Monday, April 14, 2014
God: Better Than a Hershey's Bar (CIR)
Appearing in the April 14th’s Christians In
Recovery, Cruse explores the love and affections associations we make
concerning the “comfort foods” of our childhoods.
God Bless Us This Passover!!!
As we enter into Passover, what does the word mean to us?
Is it a negative connotation to us, representing “missed
opportunities?”
Or is it a word meaning mercy and “second chances?”
Think of it; you and I probably should be dead a number of different
times, except, by God’s Grace, He saved, blessed and protected our figurative
(and literal) hides!
It’s all on how you look at it. Passover isn’t just an old
Bible story, a movie with Charleton Heston , portraying Moses or another
holiday. It’s God relevantly reminding us of the real Truth that He loves us,
wants to invade our lives, get us to our next “Promised Land” and give us a new
beginning.
We‘re not forgotten; we’re smack dab in the miracle of
Passover. Let’s not limit how God wants to teach us all what it means!!!
John 2:23
Happy Passover, Everyone!!! God bless!!!
Sunday, April 13, 2014
In Need of a Donkey
“...‘The Lord needs it.’”
Luke 19:34
Palm Sunday
brings to mind Passover, Easter, Jesus and waving palm leaves. We can get so
caught up in the Majesty of God, we bypass the lowly, ordinary elements
incorporated in the glory, in example, the donkey.
Whether you,
indeed, refer to it as a donkey, burro or a colt, it still does not change the reality; God uses anything of His choosing.
Check this
passage out:
28 “After Jesus had said this, he went on ahead, going up to
Jerusalem. 29 As he approached Bethphage and Bethany at the
hill called the Mount of Olives, he sent two of his disciples, saying to them, 30 ‘Go
to the village ahead of you, and as you enter it, you will find a colt tied
there, which no one has ever ridden. Untie it and bring it here. 31 If
anyone asks you, ‘Why are you untying it?’ say, ‘The Lord needs it.’”
32 Those who were sent ahead went and found it just as he had
told them. 33 As they were untying the colt, its owners asked
them, ‘Why are you untying the colt?’
34 They replied, ‘The Lord needs it.’
35 They brought it to Jesus, threw their cloaks on the colt and
put Jesus on it. 36 As he went along, people spread their
cloaks on the road.
37 When he came near the place where the road goes down the
Mount of Olives, the whole crowd of disciples began joyfully to praise God in
loud voices for all the miracles they had seen:
38 ‘Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord!’
‘Peace in heaven and
glory in the highest!’
39 Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, ‘Teacher,
rebuke your disciples!’
40 ‘I tell you,’ he replied, ‘if they keep quiet, the stones
will cry out.’
41 As he approached Jerusalem and saw the city, he wept over it
42 and said, ‘If you, even you, had only known on this day what
would bring you peace—but now it is hidden from your eyes.’”
Luke 19:28- 42
This,
however, wasn’t the first time
donkeys were of use for God’s purposes: some examples include...
Genesis 22:3...
“Early the next morning Abraham got up and saddled his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about.
Genesis 42:26...
“...they loaded their grain on their donkeys and left.”
Genesis 44:3...
“As morning dawned, the men were sent on their way with their donkeys.”
Exodus 4:20...
“So Moses took his wife and sons, put them on a donkey and started back to Egypt. And he took the staff of God in his hand.”
And let’s not forget Balaam’s donkey. You
gotta check this puppy out!
“21 Balaam got up in the morning, saddled his
donkey and went with the Moabite officials. 22 But God
was very angry when he went, and the angel of the Lord stood in the road to oppose him. Balaam was riding on his donkey,
and his two servants were with him. 23 When
the donkey saw the angel of the Lord standing in
the road with a drawn sword in his hand, it turned off the road into a field.
Balaam beat it to get it back on the road.
24 Then the angel of the Lord stood in a narrow path through
the vineyards, with walls on both sides. 25 When the
donkey saw the angel of the Lord, it pressed
close to the wall, crushing Balaam’s foot against it. So he beat the donkey
again.
26 Then the angel of the Lord moved on ahead and stood in a
narrow place where there was no room to turn, either to the right or to the
left. 27 When the donkey saw the angel of the Lord, it lay down under Balaam, and he was angry and beat it with his staff.
28 Then the Lord opened the
donkey’s mouth, and it said to Balaam, ‘What have I done to you to make you
beat me these three times?’
29 Balaam answered the donkey, ‘You have made a
fool of me! If only I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now.’
30 The donkey said to Balaam, ‘Am I not your own
donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day? Have I been in the habit of
doing this to you?’
‘No,’ he
said.
31 Then the Lord opened Balaam’s eyes, and he saw
the angel of the Lord standing in the road with his
sword drawn. So he bowed low and fell facedown.
32 The angel of the Lord asked him, ‘Why have you beaten
your donkey these three times? I have come here to oppose you because your path
is a reckless one before me.33 The donkey saw me and turned
away from me these three times. If it had not turned away, I would certainly
have killed you by now, but I would have spared it.’”
Okay, okay, there’s a theme here, donkeys and
what they can do...kinda like...us.
A lot of times, we make God and faith so
complicated. But the willingness factor
gets downplayed repeatedly. And willingness is no small thing.
First, God
chooses...
“I have chosen you and have not cast you away.”
Isaiah 41:9
Again, it’s not a small thing. Next, however,
the ball is in our court. What do we choose?
“I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and
death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed
may live.”
Deuteronomy 30:19
There’s a blessing in it, if we choose
God...
“If ye be willing and obedient, ye shall eat the good of the
land.”
Isaiah 1:19
And it might be all too easy, except for one
thing we have in common with the donkey: stubbornness. The old saying goes “stubborn
as a mule,” right?
“He, that being often reproved hardeneth his neck, shall suddenly be
destroyed, and that without remedy.”’
Proverbs 29:1
“And the LORD said unto Moses, ‘I
have seen this people, and, behold, it is
a stiffnecked people.’”
Exodus 32:9
“Ye stiff-necked and uncircumcised
in heart and ears, ye do always resist the Holy Ghost: as your fathers did, so do ye.”
Acts 7:51
Yikes.
But it’s not hopeless. Again, there’s choice.
Choice from God’s decision to create, call and use us and our choice to
willingly respond with a yes to that decision.
It’s a process of untangling from lies we’ve
spent a lifetime believing....
We’re
hopeless...
We’re
useless...
We’re
stupid...
We’re
unwanted...
We’re
unloved...
God refutes those lies with the Truth of Who
He is...
“Since you were precious in my sight… I have loved you…”
Isaiah 43:4
“I have chosen you and have not cast you away.”
Isaiah 41:9
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my
ways, says the Lord. For as the
heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My
thoughts than your thoughts.”
Isaiah 55:8-9
“But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the
glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to
glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.”
2 Corinthians 3:18
“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go:
I will guide you with My eye.”
Psalm 32:8
“…being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a
good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.”
Philippians 1:6
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the
Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
Jeremiah 29:11
“For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels
nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor
height nor depth nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from
the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Romans 8:38-39
“Behold, I am the Lord,
the God of all flesh. Is there anything too hard for Me?”
Jeremiah 32:27
“The LORD hath appeared of old unto
me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with
lovingkindness have I drawn thee.”
Jeremiah 31:3
“We love him, because he first loved us.”
1 John 4:19
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his
only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have
everlasting life.”
John 3:16
“For I am persuaded that neither death nor life,
nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to
come, nor height nor depth nor any other created thing, shall be able to
separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Romans 8:38-39
If
God can choose a donkey for such great Glory as to propel Jesus to fulfill His purpose, how can He choose you and me?
And
how WILL we respond to that call?
God
needed a donkey then.
And
God needs us now to be who He created
us to be!
Copyright © 2014 by
Sheryle Cruse
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Friday, April 11, 2014
At the Pleasure of the Savior...
One of my favorite series I catch on Netflix is “The West
Wing.” While watching it, I became aware of a standard response regarding the
president’s staff: “I serve at the pleasure of the President.” I don’t know if
this response really exists or if it was just for dramatic purposes. But I
started thinking about the service issue.
When I was thirteen, I served as a waitress for my cousin’s
wedding. Thank you. Yes, I’m still recovering. Let’s just say I was not
skilled. I tried not to spill food, break plates and grumble. It was not an
easy feat. So, I had a negative view of serving.
But, alas, it’s all over the place in Christianity, isn’t
it?
“Thou shalt fear the LORD thy God, and serve
him, and shalt swear by his name.”
Deuteronomy 6:13
“…what doth the LORD thy God require of thee,
but to fear the LORD thy God, to walk in all his ways, and to love him, and to
serve the LORD thy God with all thy heart and with all thy soul,”
Deuteronomy 10:12
“If any man serve me, let him follow me; and
where I am, there shall also my servant be: if any man serve me, him will my
Father honor.”
John 12:26
“For,
brethren, ye have been called unto liberty; only use not liberty for an
occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another.”
Galatians 5:13
Whew! Yeah. Got it.
Anyway, how do we feel about the serving issue?
“For as he thinketh in his heart, so
is he...”
Proverbs 23:7
A lot of us probably have negative associations with the
word. We may think of mistreated waitresses, humiliation and irritation. Not
exactly the stuff which has people lining up around the block.
Do we, then, challenge our views of the issue? Or do you and
I opt out? If we do that, however, do we miss
out? Perhaps, that is the better
question to ask.
But are we asking it? Or do we ask the question, instead, “what’s
in it for me?”
Did Jesus ask that question?
Yeah. Exactly. Feeling sheepish yet?
Scripture tells us we are to follow His lead:
“…‘If any man will come after me, let him deny
himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.”
Matthew 16:24
“For even the Son of Man did not come to be
served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."
Mark 10:45
And concerning the serving issue? Yeah. That’s quite
inclusive.
As we deal with our struggles, issues, disorders and
addictions, let’s take the time to stop and check out our service to others. Is
it there at all? Are we helping anyone else?
Service is the antidote to the myopic self-focus, which,
sooner or later causes us problems. God has blessings for us which only come by
way of serving. Are we, then, missing out on some of those blessings?
“Henceforth I call you not servants; for the
servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all
things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.”
John 15:15
Do we, indeed, serve at the pleasure of the Savior? It’s
worth asking and perhaps, adjusting, isn’t it? We want to be the addressee of
this scripture:
“His lord said unto him, ‘Well done, thou good
and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make
thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.’”
Matthew 25:21
Let’s start with the servant then; let’s be one, in a new and different way in
our lives. Let’s start today.
“I am thy servant; give me understanding, that
I may know thy testimonies.”
Psalms 119:125
Copyright © 2014 by Sheryle Cruse
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