Sunday, May 31, 2015
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Not All Surprises are Bad
Featured in the June 2015 issue of Serene Scene Magazine,
Cruse discusses the connection involving complicated father-child relationships,
the pain of unmet need/ unconditional love experiences and the addiction and
disorder responses which often surface concerning those issues.
Cross-Addiction: A Way That Seems Right?
May 30th’s
Christians In Recovery features Cruse’s article which discusses the role cross-
addiction plays in the recovery process.
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Recovery: Practice, Practice, Practice
Featured in
May 28th’s Christians in Recovery, Cruse discusses the ever present
reality of imperfect “practice” concerning the recovery process.
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
It Takes One To Know One
It’s been
said “hindsight is twenty-twenty.” It has also
been said, “It takes one to know one.”
Unfortunately,
we’re aware of these truths only after
they have occurred. We are blissfully ignorant before the experience and in stubborn denial during the experience.
It’s been
years into my recovery from eating disorders now and it is in this particular stage where I see the hindsight revelation of
the “It takes one to know one” concept repeating in my life.
The first
occurrence? Well, that was at the apex of my anorexic condition. I was a
college freshman, hell-bent on reinvention; I wanted as much distance from my
teenage overweight self as possible. Hence, the serious restriction of
calories, interspersed with starvation periods and the accompanying excessive
exercise (up to six hours a day). My freshman year, therefore, found me
whittling to smaller and smaller weights. To those unfamiliar of my former
self, I was only seen as thin and tiny. But, to those who knew me “way back
when?” Well, I couldn’t quite convince them everything was fine.
Carrie (not
her real name) attended both the same high school and now the same college as I
did; she was a year older…and anorexic. And, as I started college, she was keenly interested in my changed
appearance. It started out casual at the start of the school year (my weight
had not yet drastically plummeted); she remarked about my weight loss. However,
by spring, I was at a disturbingly low weight- and that’s when she pounced.
During that term,
we took the same world history course and Carrie pulled me aside one day after
class. She, once again, remarked about my weight loss. And then she gently
revealed she battled with anorexia and expressed concerned that I was veering
down the same path.
My response?
I felt I was “caught,” but, as eating disorder sufferers are often prone to do
in the grips of their disorders, I lied, telling her I was “fine.” No, of
course, I was not anorexic. My racing
mind panicked, reassuring myself with statements like, “Don’t be ridiculous!
That kind of thing doesn’t happen to me.”
But Carrie read my mail. I knew I had to show her how un-rattled I was by her confrontation and get out of there pronto!!
Once I
extricated myself from that
encounter, I thought I was safe and had fooled everyone.
Nope.
Cut to the
middle of that following summer. Because Carrie and I both came from a small
town, it wasn’t unheard of for us to run into each other. Both of us were on
summer break; both were living at home until the fall term started. And,
because there was only one major mall in our small town locale, this was the
meeting place of yet another “It takes one to know one” encounter.
I
must admit, the store to run into her
was a bit odd. Because of my already
intense eating disorder behaviors, I tried to occupy my mind with anything I
could think of. One of my latest “answers” was crafting. Yes, that’s right, I
said crafting. I guess I believed pipe cleaners and cross stitch kits could
save me. So, I was a regular at the mall’s hobby store.
I was
close to my lowest weight, attempting to keep from passing out, while looking
at a dollhouse miniature section. Carrie appeared out of nowhere. Again, I felt
busted. I had lost another ten pounds; I was severely emaciated looking. Carrie
started some chitchat, but, c’mon, we both knew the score. Again, she was as gentle
as she could be, but eventually, she brought up the dreaded words, “eating
disorder.” And I had no where I had to be. I had no class I needed to escape
to, nothing pressing to do. I just had to stand there in front of the dollhouse
miniatures and be cornered by the truth.
“It
takes one to know one” was getting too close to home.
And
it wouldn’t be until many years later when I would experience the other side of this phenomenon. After the
publication of my book, I had a signing event in Oregon.
A young
anorexic woman was eyeing me for the entire four hours the event took place.
She kept pacing by the bookstore. But make no mistake, she made it a point to
keep her distance. I recognized not only her gaunt frame, but her baggy clothes
and darting eyeballs. Those features had once been mine. There was this weird
synergy of “I know you know” going on
between us. Finally, after four hours of her pacing, lurking and eyeing me, she
rushed the book table, spurting, “I had gone through it, but not the six hour
exercise stuff you did.” And then she took off. I think she left skid marks.
Perhaps she
wanted to talk, to connect, but was spooked by the discomfort of her reality-
and presence of the other people there. But, in that moment, I saw how when we
are in any kind of dysfunction or
disorder, there’s still a part of us which wants
help.
Sometimes,
yes, it does “take one to know one.”
Admitting
the ugly truth is scary; there’s risk of rejection, pain and discomfort. We
risk losing our precious control. We enter the intimidating unknown instead of
relying on our comforting and familiar disease. Nevertheless, we need help.
Right now, is there someone out there who is
experiencing the exact same thing? It’s worth reaching out. Perhaps, if we
approached the adage of, “It
takes one to know one” with an outlook of help and healing, instead of as a threat, we’d experience who we truly are supposed to be.
And that,
itself, is worth knowing all about!
Disordered
eating and image issues can affect anyone,
regardless of age, gender or socio-economic factors. Just because someone
doesn’t “fit” the stereotype, doesn’t mean they’re not afflicted. It’s not just
a “girl thing.” It’s a life-threatening disease and needs treatment. If you
suspect someone is suffering, please reach out with love and support. Here are
some helpful strategies to do just
that.
When You Want to Help Someone You
Care About
What to do if…
If your child is younger than 18
Get professional help immediately.
You have a legal and moral responsibility to get your child the care s/he
needs. Don’t let tears, tantrums, or promises to do better stop you. Begin with
a physical exam and psychological evaluation.
If the physician recommends
hospitalization, do it. People die from these disorders, and sometimes they
need a structured time out to break entrenched patterns.
If the counselor asks you to
participate in family sessions, do so. Children spend only a few hours a week
with their counselors. The rest of the time they live with their families. You
need as many tools as you can get to help your child learn new ways of coping with
life.
If your friend is younger than 18
Tell a trusted adult—parent, teacher,
coach, pastor, school nurse, school counselor, etc.—about your concern. If you
don’t, you may unwittingly help your friend avoid the treatment s/he needs to
get better.
Even though it would be hard,
consider telling your friend’s parents why you are concerned. S/he may be
hiding unhealthy behaviors from them, and they deserve to know so they can
arrange help and treatment. If you cannot bear to do this yourself, ask your
parents or perhaps the school nurse for help.
If the person is older than 18
Legally the person is now an adult
and can refuse treatment if s/he is not ready to change. Nevertheless, reach
out. Tell her/him that you are concerned. Be gentle. Suggest that there has to
be a better way to deal with life than starving and stuffing. Encourage
professional help, but expect resistance and denial. You can lead a horse to
water, but you can’t make him drink—even when he is thirsty—if he is determined
to follow his own path.
Some Things to Do…
•• Talk to the person when you are
calm, not frustrated or emotional. Be kind. The person is probably ashamed and
fears criticism and rejection.
•• Mention evidence you have heard or
seen that suggests disordered eating. Don’t dwell on appearance or weight.
Instead talk about health, relationships (withdrawal?), and mood.
•• Realize that the person will not
change until s/he wants to.
•• Provide information. http://www.anred.com
•• Be supportive and caring. Be a
good listener and don’t give advice unless you are asked to do so. Even then,
be prepared to have it ignored.
•• Continue to suggest professional
help. Don’t pester. Don’t give up either.
•• Ask: “Is what you are doing really
working to get you what you want?”
•• Talk about the advantages of
recovery and a normal life.
•• Agree that recovery is hard, but
emphasize that many people have done it.
•• If s/he is frightened to see a
counselor, offer to go with her the first time.
•• Realize that recovery is the
person’s responsibility, not yours.
•• Resist guilt. Do the best you can
and then be gentle with yourself.
Some Things Not to Do…
•• Never nag, plead, beg, bribe,
threaten, or manipulate. These things don’t work.
•• Avoid power struggles. You will
lose.
•• Never criticize or shame. These
tactics are cruel, and the person will withdraw.
•• Don’t pry. Respect privacy.
•• Don’t be a food monitor. You will
create resentment and distance in the relationship.
•• Don’t try to control. The person
will withdraw and ultimately outwit you.
•• Don’t waste time trying to
reassure your friend that s/he is not fat. S/he will not be convinced.
•• Don’t get involved in endless
conversations about weight, food, and calories. They make matters worse.
•• Don’t give advice unless asked.
•• Don’t expect the person to follow
your advice even if s/he asked for it.
•• Don’t say, “You are too thin.”
S/he will secretly celebrate.
•• Don’t say, “It’s good you have
gained weight.” S/he will lose it.
•• Don’t let the person always decide
when, what, and where you will eat. She should not control everything, every
time.
•• Don’t ignore stolen food and
evidence of purging. Insist on responsibility.
•• Don’t overestimate what you can
accomplish.
ANRED: When You Want
to Help Someone You Care About. <http://www.anred.com/hlp.html>. Used with permission.
Copyright © 2015 by Sheryle Cruse
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Friday, May 22, 2015
Honey Boo Boo’s Weight Loss
Still trying
to process the following current event…
“Slowly shrinking. Alana ‘Honey Boo Boo’ Thompson, whose unhealthy eating choices were well-documented on reality TV, is getting a little healthier month-by-month.
After dropping almost eight pounds in a month, her mother, ‘Mama June’ Shannon was in a celebratory mood.
Posting a photo on Instagram of her daughter standing on a scale, ‘Mama June’ said she was "so proud" of her daughter.
How is Honey Boo Boo doing it? The old fashioned way — ‘Just by eating smaller portions and walking,’ June said, while crediting celebrity trainer Natasha Fett.
June, though, wasn't entirely in a festive mood. In the same post, she took time to blast the TV show ‘The Doctors,’ saying her daughter lost nothing while she appeared on the show for its 10 week program. Mama June also said that she's dropped 45 pounds in just over a month, as well. This was all due to Natasha, she said, not the TV show's routine.
Natasha, June said, ‘encouraged us when we felt like we couldn't or didn't what to do it,’ adding that the celebrity trainer ‘genuinely cares about us.’”
As an overweight child, placed on my first diet, I get
uneasy at the focus of weight loss concerning a child. I talk about its impact
in my book, “Thin Enough…”
“Our
buzz phrase was, ‘When we get down to our right
weight…’ Of course, that must mean we were at our wrong weight... I was
becoming so very aware of exactly how unacceptable I was... It was frequently
pointed out to me. Diets were first. Then came the insults, the jokes, the
strategies… Comments like, ‘You’re looking a little pudgy lately,’ and ‘Be
careful, honey, you don’t want to get much fatter now’ came from my family and
neighbors...
…I
hated one comment most of all... In a patronizing, sickly sweet voice, someone
would say to me, ‘You have such a pretty face, if you’d just lose some weight…’
There! So my body was what was wrong with me after all! It hurt even more
because this comment dangled the hope of beauty, and yet placed the blame on
me, a little girl, for not achieving it. It was my fault...”
So, what was set in motion was my eating disorder road of
anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, self-hatred and a spiritual crisis, all
hinging upon the following lie:
“I am not acceptable- by anyone, God included.”
“Right weight…”
I risked my life, health and spiritual connection with God,
all due to the negative gravity of those words.
Aren’t we
still, celebrity by celebrity, person by person, demanding a “right (perfect)
weight” standard which is elusive, impossible to achieve, let alone, maintain?
I hear those
words not just from my childhood, but for us at large today. It’s a whisper;
it’s a scream. It’s a snarky remark. But somewhere, those words linger, don’t
they?
Again, I
trot out good ole’ Song of Solomon 2:14…
“O my dove…let me see your form…for your form is lovely.”
Form.
Whatever it is, whatever size and shape it is. God is not confining it to a
limited definition. Why are we?
Words are
powerful, healing or deadly because they are ideas. And, whether or not “right
weight” is audible, its message and influence are still strong. We have the
idea there is such a thing as “right weight” and we spend our entire lives
chasing it and even, perhaps, hating ourselves.
This was not
what God created our forms to be.
Copyright © 2015 by
Sheryle Cruse
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Eating Disorders: It's All About the Heart
Cruse explores the significant role
our hearts play as we grapple with not only attitudes and choices, but there
very process of recovery concerning them. It appears in May 21st’s
Christians In Recovery.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
The Power of Words
Featured in
May 14th’s Christians In Recovery, Cruse discusses the importance of positive
words during the eating disorder recovery process.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Where Would Mom Be Without Her Perfect Nose?
In a scene
from the series, “Mad Men” Betty and Sally, its mother and daughter characters,
are fighting over the broken state of daughter’s “once perfect” nose.
It addresses the importance appearance and perfection
often play in life. At one point, daughter, Sally mocks her mother, “Where would
Mom be without her perfect nose?”
With disordered
image, eating and value issues plaguing our culture today, the perfection
challenge is still with us. There’s an expectation of happiness, fulfilled
dreams and banished sadness/loneliness which frequently comes attached to the
perfection promise.
But the rude
awakening to life is how imperfect it
is.
Still, God
has His perspective on not just perfection, but on His value of us as well:
“Thou shalt be perfect with the LORD thy God.”
Deuteronomy 18:13
“He is the Rock, his work is perfect:
for all his ways are judgment: a God of truth and without iniquity, just and
right is he.”
Deuteronomy 32:4
“As for God, his way is perfect; the
word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all them that trust in him.”
2 Samuel 22:31; Psalms 18:31
“And be not conformed to this world:
but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is
that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”
Romans 12:2
“And he said unto me, ‘My grace is sufficient
for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Most gladly therefore
will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon
me.”
2 Corinthians 12:9
We are in
process; we’re constantly changing…
“But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the
glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to
glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.”
2 Corinthians 3:18
It’s a
message which needs much repeating, especially if we’re recovering from not
just eating disorders and low self-esteem, but unrealistic perfectionism to
boot.
We’re
getting there. You are; I am. And, in the middle of everything which is imperfect,
God still sees a perfection to us. We are that valuable. Period.
Copyright © 2015 by Sheryle Cruse
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
“You’ll Always Be My Girl"
Yep, I am a
“Mad Men” fan. There are just too many poignant scenes with incredible dialogue.
One such
scene is taken from season three, episode one; it involves
the character, Don Draper telling his daughter, Sally, “You’ll always be my
girl.”
It’s moments like this one which have me rolodexing
through my memory bank. The unconditional love situation has not been easy for
me. Like so many of us who come from abusive, fractured or dysfunctional
families, especially us females, that primal scream for loving permanence often
goes unheard and is not reassuringly manifested the way we desire it to be.
Nevertheless, the “father hunger” doesn’t go away. It
can compel many of us to, therefore, seek out the “You’ll always be my girl”
promise in toxic relationships, addictions, eating disorders, perfectionism and
overachievement. When one does not know love is unwavering and not predicated
on performance, one then strives to earn it.
I make no secret of a painful experience with my dad.
I chronicle it in my book.
“...For three years in a row, I did
not missed one day of school, knowing that I would win a perfect attendance
certificate, tangible proof on paper that I was worthwhile... So for the next
few years, I went to school with colds, sore throats and influenza...
...When I reached junior high, I
became so sick once I had to stay home... Three days at home, according to my
dad, was enough...He decided he would take me into school...
...I got up the nerve to ask him, ‘Do
you still love me?’ His answer? ‘If you do this again, I won’t.’”
(Excerpt taken from “Thin Enough: My
Spiritual Journey Through the Living Death of an Eating Disorder”).
It was a slap to the face. For, in that moment, I desperately wanted to hear Isaiah
43:4 come out of my dad’s mouth:
“Since you were precious in my sight… I have loved you…”
What I got instead
was a threat, rife with conditions, all of which demanded I earn love, his love. In that moment with my dad, I
certainly did not feel like I’d always be his girl. I felt unloved and
unwanted.
And that
eventually translated into a deeper self-loathing and a belief that God,
Himself, felt the same way. I went down dark roads of suicidal thoughts,
life-threatening disordered eating choices and an ever present delusional
conviction, called “God hates me.”
Love and acceptance- they’re really one and the same,
aren’t they. It has to do with inherent value, regardless. It’s that certainty
of knowing there’s nothing which will obliterate that truth. We’re loved and
valuable, as is, period.
We can, indeed, find evidence of this truth throughout
scripture…
“Since you were precious in my sight… I have loved you…”
Isaiah 43:4
“I have chosen you and have not cast you away.”
Isaiah 41:9
“We love him, because he first loved us.”
1 John 4:19
“For I am
persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor
powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth nor any
other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is
in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Romans 8:38-39
“The LORD
hath appeared of old unto me, saying, ‘Yea, I have loved thee with an
everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.’”
Jeremiah 31:3
The trick, however, is to know and accept it into our lives. And, when we’re reeling from abusive, addictive
and dysfunctional dynamics, which often exist since childhood, that acceptance
can feel like an insurmountable task.
But it is not impossible, not with God, anyway…
“For with God nothing shall be
impossible.”
Luke 1:37
“Behold, I am the Lord,
the God of all flesh. Is there anything too hard for Me?”
Jeremiah 32:27
Still, it does take our cooperation, not to create the truth of God’s unconditional love, but certainly to embrace it.
“For as he thinketh in his heart, so
is he...”
Proverbs 23:7
We choose to
accept or reject; we do that.
“I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and
death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed
may live.”
Deuteronomy 30:19
So, armed with the knowledge of God’s unconditional love, as reiterated
in scripture, let’s move forward with our lives, knowing our value, basking in
the love we deserve.
John 8: 32 states how
the truth does set us free. Let’s choose
to embrace, not reject, that freedom.
There is Someone, right now, Who is saying to each one of us, “You’ll always be my girl.”
Copyright © 2015 by
Sheryle Cruse
Monday, May 11, 2015
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Saturday, May 9, 2015
A Mother’s Day Braid
Dealing with the mother/daughter enmeshment issue, as it
pertain to eating disorders, flares up this time of year: Mother’s Day.
I love my mother. However, the complicated enmeshment factor
exists. A drawing I did years ago, entitled “Braids” addresses how both Mom and
I are joined by a linking braid.
The back story is as follows. Mom was photographed at age
five with two braids. And, when I was the same age, Mom was inspired to,
likewise, have me photographed with the same hairstyle. The thought, I’m sure,
was innocent at the time. But it seems to underscore a more murky reality:
individuality was not encouraged. “Sameness,” however, was.
And that played out for me throughout my childhood and
adolescence as stifled individuality, frustration, resentment and, eventually,
a declaration of independence, known as eating disorders erupted.
Self-expression, anger, rebellion and cries for help were part of why the
eating disorder behaviors began and thrived as they did.
I wanted to be separate; I didn’t want to be “her.” I wanted
to be ME!
Simple enough, right? Unfortunately, whether things like
family image and loyalty, abuse or unresolved situations are present, the
enmeshing can happen all too quickly and awaken the beast.
Throughout years of therapy, having a relationship with God
and learning who I am, apart from my mother, I’ve come to learn just how being
yourself is not a sin or a betrayal. For years, I thought it was exactly that.
We need to grant ourselves permission to be who we are, even if that is nothing like our mothers.
John 8:32 is exactly right:
“The truth shall set you free.”
I’ve been learning a few things about my mother and myself.
They’re not easy lessons, but they have been blessings, all the same. Some of
these include…
You are not responsible or to blame for your
mother’s decisions or issues.
You have a responsibility to respect your mother, even if
you don’t like her.
You have a responsibility to forgive your mother.
You are not your mother; you are your own unique
person, created by God.
You need to address not only eating disorder issues, but
also issues of abuse, trauma and addiction (both as individuals and as a
family).
God has specifically
created each one of us to be unique individuals. We may resemble our mothers.
I’ve had traits which are like her (looking in the mirror can sometimes be
startling).
But, nevertheless, I
am a woman in my own right. I am a human being, with distinct attributes,
talents and characteristics. I have my very own soul, mind and spirit. It’s not
braided to my mother’s.
Likewise, you are
your own braid, splendid in your entirety.
No matter what kind
of relationship issues you have with your mother, you are one of a kind. Don’t
fight it; embrace it.
And give yourself permission to be yourself.
“I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made…”
Psalm 139:14
It’s exactly who God
created you to be!
Happy Mother’s Day,
then, to every female out there! Be fully who YOU are!
Copyright © 2015 by Sheryle Cruse
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