My Wish For You...

Persistent...Consistent...

Funhouse Mirrors

When I was a little girl, I once went into one of those carnival funhouses with the mirrors. It was the one and only time I did so. I remember I didn’t get very far. I took one look at my distorted series of reflected images and high-tailed it out of there so fast, you could probably see my streak marks hang in the air.

Festive.

Cut to about fourteen years later: I was nineteen or twenty years old when I was, once again, standing in front of multiple mirror images. Only this time, there was no carnival- and certainly, no fun. It was, instead, just me, choosing to stand and scrutinize myself in front of my three-way mirror, picking myself apart, via my disordered eating and body image behaviors.

It was often during those times that I would ask God why He made me in the first place. What was the point? Was the torment of eating disorders all there was? Were the constant weight and food battles all there was to me? I hated what I saw so much of the time, regardless of where I was on the scale. At my thinnest, I hated what I saw; at my heaviest, I hated what I saw. Did God see me the same way?

“Do you have eyes of flesh? Do you see as a mortal sees?”

Job 10:4

Yeah, I was certainly living a Job kind of existence. It’s not a “skip to my loo” kind of approach. But no, God doesn’t stop at surface appearances- thank God! He looks deeper…

 “…God does not see as humans see. Humans look at outward appearances, but the LORD looks into the heart."

1 Samuel 16:7

And, isn’t that one of the problems for those of us dealing with eating disorders and body image issues? The old adage states there’s no reality, only perception. So, some of us perceive ourselves to be ugly and worthless. But is that the truth?

Scientific studies state that there is a chemical disturbance in the brain function of many who suffer from eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia. Simply stated, the brain wiring of these individuals prevents them from seeing their physical bodies as they actually are. Instead, they only see themselves as the distorted “funhouse mirror” version of themselves. You know the saying, “seeing is believing?” Well, I guess that’s what can happen if the brain can only register one particular perception, even if it’s an inaccurate one.

I believed that inaccurate perception for a long time.

And, as years have passed, I’ve also had a spiritual reawakening as well concerning my disordered eating and image issues. Eating disorders, at their core, are spiritual matters. For my own situation, I had to recognize and confront how I let my own eating disorder behavior become some form of idolatry.

Pleasant, isn’t it?

According to “The Oxford American Desk Dictionary and Thesaurus Second Edition,” the definition of idolatry reads as follows: “the worship of idols, great adulation. The image of a deity, etc., as an object of worship, the object of excessive or supreme adulation, a graven image icon, effigy, symbol, fetish, totem, god, hero or heroine, star, celebrity.”

Yeah, that covered it for me. Whether or not I knew it, my image desires and eating disorder behaviors were idols. I thought I was in control. But, before I knew it, all of my “little idols” turned into razor-sharp funhouse torture mirrors, mocking and threatening me. I had lost sight of my one true God.  

 “I am the LORD thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before me.”

Exodus 20:2-3

And by disobeying that very first commandment, I had opened myself up to unnecessary pain. My eating disorders were not God’s Will or God’s fault. And, while it would be all too easy to blame myself here, I had to accept the fact that I was not completely hopeless; I still could make another choice. No matter how low I went with my eating disorders, there still was a way out: God.

“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to humanity. God is faithful, and He will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation He will also provide a way of escape so that you are able to bear it.”

1 Corinthians 10:13

Like that childhood experience of the funhouse mirrors, I had a choice about what I could do. I could continue to stare into the scary, inaccurate reflections, or I could leave them and shift my view elsewhere? So, where- or more accurately, who- is that elsewhere?

Three letters- starting with a “G…”

“The name of the LORD is a strong tower; a righteous person rushes to it and is lifted up above the danger.”

Proverbs 18:10

What’s your funhouse mirror? Is it an eating disorder? An addiction? Some other self-destructive behavior? Are you choosing to stare into that hopeless, futureless and lifeless reflection or are you choosing to look for God?

If the funhouse isn’t so fun, then what? What will we do? We do have a better option out there. There is a better reflection, waiting to look back at us: God.

 And He’s there to help us...

“Your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, This is the way, walk in it, whenever you turn to the right hand, and whenever turn to the left.’”

Isaiah 30:21

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go: I will guide you with My eye.”

Psalm 32:8

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

Psalms 46:1

Will we choose that reflected option?

Copyright © 2018 by Sheryle Cruse

Even on the days...

If You're Struggling...

This is not your heart breaking, my darling...

The Wishing Well

       Throughout my life, the wishing well has repeatedly popped up.

       My mother, ever into home gardening, eventually fulfilled a personal dream when she added a red version to our backyard. It completed the landscape of lawn ornaments, peonies, tulips and her much beloved lilac grove. It was in that grove, she chose to nestle her wishing well.

       Once placed, now it was all about taking photographs to commemorate the accomplishment.

      This is where I come in.

      My first wishing well photograph is taken when I’m about five years old, soon after my parents bought the decoration. Wearing a red jumper-style dress, standing in bare feet and holding a baby doll, I look every bit the happy little girl.

Indeed, I was.

      And, it is here, looking through the hindsight filter of my own personal disordered experiences, where it holds special significance to me.

      This was me, “B.D.” This was “Before Disorder.” And it was reflected at the wishing well.

I have no memory of taking this first photograph. Likewise, I also have no memory of being “issue-less” concerning disordered image and eating. But at one time, I was. There was no dieting; there was no awareness I was defective because I was “fat.” I was unaffected.

“I feel a resurgence of my 6-year-old self… that little warrior, goddess of a girl reminding me of who I was when I was little, before the world got its hands on me.”
Jennifer Elisabeth, “Born Ready: Unleash Your Inner Dream Girl”

        I didn’t need to wish I was happy. I already was.

        That little girl, however, could not last.

“... Mom had battled her own ‘weight problem’ her entire life. She was alarmed to see the dreaded sin manifesting itself in her little girl. It was time to fix the problem. It was time to fix me... she introduced me to my first diet. I was seven years old... I thought, ‘If I do this, then I’ll be okay. If I do this, then I’ll make things better.’ A diet was the answer...”

“40% of 9-year-old girls have dieted.”

Susan Ice, M.D., Medical Director, The Renfrew Center, www.renfrew.org

(Excerpts included are from Cruse’s book, “Thin Enough: My Spiritual Journey Through the Living Death of an Eating Disorder”)

        The culmination of abuse within my home and my mother’s food, weight and body image issues produced an environment in which Mom and I engaged in unhealthy enmeshment and coping attempts. They flip-flopped from sharing our love of food to sharing our self-hating belief we were “too fat” and, therefore, needed to engage in mother-daughter diet projects.

This was to achieve, as my mother often vocalized, our “right weight.” This was our wish.

        Now I was in “A. E.D.” This was “Approaching Eating Disorder” territory. And again, it was reflected at the wishing well.

        By this point, I had learned image manipulation strategies, like the clothes I wore. This education was featured in my second photograph; I was eight.

        Here, I see a different little girl from the five year old. This photograph is me, now fully aware I am “too fat.” And so, already experienced in failed dieting to “cure” the situation, I learned I needed to alter my image any way I could.

“... Dressing joined dieting as a new strategy to ‘fix me.’ I never really paid much attention to clothes until it was pointed out at seven years old that I needed to ‘cover up.’ I remember my first attempts at dressing in a ‘slimming’ way...”

        Achievement of that tactic was now my wish. Months earlier, Mom bought me a red and white cheerleader Halloween costume (which I never wore for that occasion because it was too tight).

       But here’s where I had a revelation; this “tightness” could serve as a corseting device.

       Indeed, the costume was at its tightest around my midriff, the area I was most self-conscious about. Although I was uncomfortable while wearing it, I did look thinner.

       Because of that result, this attire became one of my “go-to” outfits. Knowing I could not get away with wearing it to school in its original cheerleader form, I tucked it into tight jeans, maximizing the aesthetic.

“...I couldn’t breathe very well, but I was successfully ‘held in.’ I was also successfully acquiring kidney and bladder infections, due to the restrictive clothes’ pressure on my organs. It took my doctor two months to treat these infections...”

        So, this wishing well photo, depicts me, a rigid toy soldier, standing stiff, with bulging eyes, holding my breath. I was beyond uncomfortable; I was in pain. The midsection of the costume was cutting into me.

       But this was what I needed to do, because, after all, I was “too fat.” I had to use any means necessary to at least, look thinner if I could not actually be thinner.

        I was not acceptable until I was at my “right weight,” ergo, “thin.”

        So, now, I wished I was those elusive words, the promise of forever happiness. That desire remained throughout my overweight adolescence.

“Wishes, I am finding, are fickle things when they turn on you.”
 Jennifer Ellision, “Threats of Sky and Sea”

       And this leads me to my next wishing well photograph; it was taken on my last day of high school.

      Leaning on the well, wearing dark blue cut-offs, a tank top and a jean jacket, I didn’t know I was at a crossroads. This photograph captured innocence unaware it would be lost, that summer on, to the beginnings of full- blown disorder.

      Wishing morphed into reinvention.

 “...As I prepared for college, I had a lot to prove—to myself, to the haunting jeers of classmates, to the boys who had not been asking me out...But that would all change this summer.

So I started another diet...I drank diet drinks that tasted like chocolate-flavored chalk. I started exercising on a stationary bike, a real bike, and a mini trampoline. The exercise sped up my success. I started losing weight and keeping it off! I felt exhilaration and power...”

        But things took a sinister turn over my freshman year of college. Wishing became obsessing about emaciation...

 “...Each comment, lost pound, and lost inch gave me more of an incentive. As I lost weight, I found myself always in need of a new goal...”

        And no, there are no wishing well photographs of me in this state.

“She wondered again about her inclination to wish for things that made her so deeply unhappy.”
Ann Brashares, “Sisterhood Everlasting”

       There are no photographs because my world became so constricted, I rarely went outside. My life was all about starvation, over-exercise, trying not to die, but not wanting to live.

“...Every morning, my heart and pulse would pound and race. I could feel throbbing from veins that were sticking out on the backs of my knees and the crooks of my elbows. Every morning, I would stand up, shaky, dizzy already, only to then have everything go black. And then, I’d wake up, lying on the floor. Passing out was now a regular part of my day... I was tired physically, emotionally, spiritually... I didn’t want to be here anymore...”

       The only wishing going on now was the desire to disappear. I am now in “After Disorder” territory.

“...I daily prayed, ‘God, just let me die...’”

       For many years, as I struggled with various disordered eating and image issues, as I experienced the lessons and milestones one accumulates in adulthood, the wishing well remained stagnant. As I grew up, went to college and got married, obviously, I spent more time away from that particular object. Life, like it always does, moved on.

       Indeed, much has changed from those three photographs. Mom now resides in a care facility, having had a stroke which has rendered her wheelchair- bound.

      And I am currently faced with the task of cleaning up the home I grew up in. And that includes the backyard.

      Its reality is disturbing. Left neglected by my mother, the once visionary gardener, the onetime flower garden is now overgrown with weeds. The flowers are gone. The lawn ornaments are broken and dirty.

      And that includes the once charming red wishing well. It’s still in the lilac grove. But it is now crushed by that grove.

      That’s the discovery I made when I returned to my childhood home. Nature’s barrier of fallen branches, tall grass and briars has also made it challenging to take a current photograph of me positioned next to the broken decoration.

      And with that reality, I had the revelation of a spell broken.

        Looking at the once mystical wishing well, with its promises my mother and I counted on for years, I now feel a freedom. This exists, even in the midst of the recovery challenge- from disorder, abuse and unfulfilled wishes.

        For most of us, reaching some form of adulthood and/or healing, there is nothing new under the sun about that. We deal with the painful, sometimes ugly, truth. We recognize the hard work of the backbone must override the magical solution of the wishbone. We must get beyond simply wishing for something external to give us “happily ever after.”

“The only difference between a wish and a prayer is that you're at the mercy of the universe for the first, and you've got some help with the second.”
 Jodi Picoult, “Sing You Home”

       The promise is found in the engaged, intentional living, not the wishing.

       I have learned the wishing well is passive- and not in a healthy grace kind of way either.

Wishing can, with insidious subtlety, disconnect us from ourselves and the real, honest, responsibility work we need to execute. Wishing can keep us stuck; it can make us regress. And we need to face that.

       At any given moment, we are subject to various stages of the wishing well: the unaware bliss, the naïve hope, the desperate striving, the broken heart, the imperfect acceptance.

      Wishing is there, at every phase; it has brought us to and through every era, behavior and mindset. That includes our recovery.

       You may or may not have ever had a wishing well in your backyard, but, nevertheless, its power can still resonate.

       What is it which compels you, tortures you...or threatens to destroy you?

       What is your wishing well? And what are you doing with it?

Copyright © 2018 by Sheryle Cruse

The Dress

Two words can strike fear and unrealistic expectations for many of us ladies out there.

The dress.

It’s probably a safe bet to say there has been at least one which has plagued us. It may be that prom dress, eradicating high school awkwardness. It may be the fairytale torture known as the perfect wedding dress, transforming us into the bride to end all brides. It may also be any variety of special occasion dresses: the high school reunion show stopper, the special event evening gown, created to dazzle or the pageant dress, guaranteeing us a tiara.

The dress. The notorious, nail biting, nerve-wrecking, insanity creating dress. Been there? If not, be patient, you probably will be.

There have been a lot of desperate diets and exercise regimes plotted, all in the name of the big dress. We push, pull, cinch, torture, starve and manipulate ourselves into all kinds of predicaments. Like when I was a bridesmaid at my cousin’s wedding.

“...I really started obsessing the two weeks prior to the wedding. Looking back on my

diary entries, I wrote a repetitive string of comments like, ‘I’m not going to eat today or tomorrow,’ and ‘I can’t blow it now. I’m so close.’ ...

...I tried on the dress and discovered that’s all it was—just a dress. Yes, it was hanging on me, but it didn’t really mean anything anymore. I was too exhausted for it to mean anything to me. I had to pin the sides of the dress with safety pins. It was hanging off from my 20-inch waist (18 inches, if I held in my breath)...

...People stammered things like, ‘Sheryle, you look, pretty’ and ‘My, you’re thin. I didn’t recognize you.’ They obviously felt uncomfortable saying it. A guy cousin of mine said something like, ‘Man, you’re thin,’ (two beats of awkward silence), ‘but—you—you look—good.’ He said it to me like I was in danger of dying right there.

It was a long day. I focused most of my concentration on just staying vertical and not fainting. I had accomplished my goal; I was skinny for this wedding. I was just too exhausted and hollow to enjoy it...”

(Excerpt taken from Cruse’s book, “Thin Enough: My Spiritual Journey Through the Living Death Of An Eating Disorder”)

Years later, that obsession was only compounded when it came to my own wedding dress. Although I was no longer at that bridesmaid low weight, I was still obsessed with everything I put in my mouth two weeks, leading up to my “big day.” Have you been there and done that? What have you done for that big dress?

Are you and I simply dieting or are we worshipping an idol? Diets tend to start out innocently enough.

“I’ll just lose five pounds.”

But how many of us, find out, all too late, the simple diet has become the torturous, hard taskmaster? Eating disorders “suddenly” appear from nowhere, stealing so much from our lives. But they didn’t happen overnight.

No, it’s more insidious than that. We’re warned to stay vigilant against subtle lies and attacks which can sneak up on us all too quickly:

“Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour.”

1 Peter 5:8

That includes eating disorders; no one is immune. It can all start with a thought. One thought. And that one thought leads to another thought which eventually leads us astray.

So, what are we thinking? Is the big dress, the big thing or the big image becoming too big in our lives? Has it become God? If so, that’s idolatry. No golden calf being worshipped, but it’s still an idol, isn’t it?

We’re spiritual beings, loved and created by God for relationship with Him. Accept no substitutes. They never work, anyway. Like my bridesmaid or my wedding dresses, when I put them on, they didn’t magically perfect my life and make me blissfully happy. They were just dresses; they couldn’t save me.

What are you and I counting on to save us? Our idols, will only disappoint us, at best, and destroy us, at worst.

“What profiteth the graven image that the maker thereof hath graven it; the molten image, and a teacher of lies, that the maker of his work trusteth therein, to make dumb idols? Woe unto him that saith to the wood, Awake; to the dumb stone, Arise, it shall teach! Behold, it is laid over with gold and silver, and there is no breath at all in the midst of it.”

Habakkuk 2:18-19

“Their sorrows shall be multiplied that hasten after another god...”

Psalms16:4

It’s sobering to see what heart damage can come from our idols: addictions, compulsions and disorders. You know, issues.

“Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.”

Proverbs 4:23

But thankfully, we can go to God with them…

“And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”

Romans 12:2

Can we conform to that? Can we rethink what we’re thinking?

It’s worth thinking about. The dress is just a dress; the thing is just a thing. But God is the most high God, Who loves us and has the power to bless us beyond measure.

That reality fits us better than anything else ever could.

Copyright © 2018 by Sheryle Cruse

What if you fly?

What Do Boundaries Feel Like?

Using Our Recovery Feet

Over the years, I have learned about boundaries and the discernment needed in determining when to stay and when to go.

“And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when ye depart out of that house or city, shake off the dust of your feet.”

Matthew 10:14; Mark 6:11

These scriptures often deal with the spreading of the Gospel. And that is certainly the case. But I also see them applying to addiction/recovery matters as well.

1.      We admitted we were powerless over a substance or behavior ─ our lives had become unmanageable.

Step One challenges our “I have this under control” lie we often tell ourselves.

I have encountered this from close family members, most specifically, my mother.

I was rather late arriving to the therapy party when it came to addressing my disordered eating/image issues. I wasn’t in therapy as a skeletal anorexic, an impulsive bulimic or a ravenous overeater. No. It was a matter of “years later” when I finally decided I needed to face personal issues about myself. And I did it alone.

I did it alone because, when it came to dealing with those unpleasant and difficult issues, my family was unwilling to participate in unflattering truth’s revelation.

I first encountered this as an emaciated anorexic. My mother made daily threats about sending me to treatment.

Did you catch that?

“My mother made daily threats about sending me to treatment.”

Mom was insistent in telling me I was the problem who needed to get fixed, not anyone else.

Oh, really?

“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

Matthew 7:3-5

A morbidly obese woman, stress eating, glossing over intergenerational abuse, addiction, anger and depression tells me everything and everyone else is hunky dory. I’m the only problem disrupting life.

Was this her intentional message? No, probably not.

Nevertheless, the hypocritical and hurtful sentiment resulted, reinforcing my toxic mantra, “It’s all my fault.”

My mother, in opposition of step one, fully asserted she was powerful over her issues, managing her own life quite well, thank you very much.

Many years later, when I told her I entered therapy, her response remained unchanged. She insisted she didn’t need therapy like I did.

And even when my book, “Thin Enough: My Spiritual Journey Through the Living Death of an Eating Disorder” was published years ago, she wasn’t entirely thrilled about its reality.

Yes, to a certain degree, she was proud of the accomplishment.

But she was also nervous about its existence. She confessed to me that, before she got my book, she didn’t want her name mentioned; she didn’t want people to know who she was.

And, as I asked her about how she felt about her own struggles and unresolved issues, this was her response:

 “I’m dealing real good. We can’t live in the past.”

Okay...

Again, the conversation between the two of us hit an impasse. Mom was emphatic that, if she ever had a “weight problem,” everything was cured. Nothing more to discuss.

This wasn’t the first roadblock I’d run into concerning family, addiction and chaotic issues.

With the Twelve Steps, I encountered another obstacle concerning my “kin:” the spirituality issue.

Steps Two and Three, indeed, emphasize our mindset and connection to it.

2.      We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Therefore, right away, we can bump into someone with a dramatically different perspective.

“... what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?”

2 Corinthians 6:14

Years ago, I was conversing with a family member who came from an atheistic point of view. We weren’t even discussing “spiritual” things. We were talking about current events. But, no matter what we talked about, he was convinced life was meaningless and had no Higher Power whatsoever.

His mind was made up. That was that.

“Can two walk together, except they be agreed?”

Amos 3:3

I gave him to The Most High. He could do a much better job reaching my relative than I could.

Amos 3:3, indeed, covers a lot of territory, permeating much of the Twelve Steps. Never underestimate the power of decision making and agreement.

Some people, unfortunately, never get there. Some people are slow to arrive at that place.

Regardless, the steps, including Steps Four through Ten, require the decision making and agreement with the Higher Power perspective.

4.      We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. We continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

But make no mistake, there is a vast difference between deciding/agreeing and attempting to achieve our representation of perfection. Elohim knows better than to expect the latter from us.

Nevertheless, there is the desire from The Most High that we will take responsibility for our actions and move toward health, not away from it.

Again, for me, a large challenge is the strong denial streak running throughout my family structure. There are active addicts and users. There are still lies covering decades of trauma.

There is still the mindset of, “Well, at least I’m not as bad as he/she is.”

Are you sure?

 “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

Matthew 7:3-5

The question persists: why is one addiction better or worse than another?

The desire which lures us to that choice addiction object is what we need to address. The desire- or the lust- for the addiction is the heart condition, not necessarily the pursued addiction object.

Therefore, there’s no sliding scale of that addiction object at hand; for instance, alcoholism is not legitimately “worse” than food addiction. A shopping addiction is not “worse” than gambling. They are all equally serious and painful afflictions.

And those afflictions signify an often more entrenched family or generational pattern of addictive natures going undiagnosed, underdiagnosed, untreated-or mal-treated.

I have childhood memories of one family member’s repeated detox stints. I remember before we checked her into the treatment facility, I needed to find all bottles of mouthwash in her home and dump them out. This family member, when out of liquor, drank Scope and Listerine.

But this was no more of a painful circumstance than that of another relative’s battle with his substance abuse. In a severely altered state, this relative decided to go horseback riding at night and was almost run over by yet another family member’s car.

Yet no one discussed any of these realities. It was the understood, silent agreement of “If we don’t talk about it, we won’t have to deal with it.”

When that is the consensus, there is little that can be done. And that further hinders us in Step Eleven...

We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Of course, if the mentality is silence when addressing fellow human beings, how could there ever even exist an openness to The Most High to acknowledge, deal with and change behavior? Mediation, prayer, deep self-reflection?

Repeatedly, within my family experience, it appeared no one was doing any such thing.

But that did not impede the fact family regularly attended church and held leadership positions.

It was maddening to behold. Scripture stating “a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof” (2 Timothy 3:5) was never far from my thoughts as I heard about a relative’s “Christian” Sunday behavior, followed by their monstrous addictive actions destroying Monday through Saturday.

And again, no one talked about this.

The subject matter I initially brought up in “Thin Enough” seemed to startle a number of my family members. One relative even secretly mentioned how glad she was I revealed the addictive and abusive dynamics which had existed for decades.

Still, this family member did not openly support me and the recovery message I was coming from in the presence of other members. When it came to facing the family “at large,” I was still very much by myself.

Much of that, I believe, had to do with the fact that the recovery message I was coming from could only coexist with the acknowledgment of truth, even if it was ugly truth.

I have family in various stages of addiction and recovery. Some are acquainted with the Twelve Steps. I have no idea, though, to what degree they have embraced and applied those steps. That is individual choice.

But, based upon my personal experience with familial interaction, one of accusation, hostility and name calling, I can only conclude the majority of them are not ready to face or live those tenets, especially that of Step Twelve:

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

It is a challenge to me to realize and maneuver around one lonely truth, especially concerning fragile recovery: not everyone is on the same page- or even in the same book.

“I have yet many things to say unto you, but ye cannot bear them now.”

John 16:12

I, therefore, must navigate this imperfect terrain fully recognizing I will have to limit my interaction- and my expectations of- my family. If I want to be in a safe space of health and support, sadly, right now, it does not exist within my family.

I have not achieved any perfection in recovery myself. Flaws are as much a part of the recovery process as great strides are.

Still, I come to recognize the power of my own literal- and symbolic- feet.

“And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when ye depart out of that house or city, shake off the dust of your feet.”

Matthew 10:14; Mark 6:11

I have the power, the right and the inherent human worth to go elsewhere, to go to greater places of healing and health.

So, sometimes, the dust must be shaken.

Copyright © 2018 by Sheryle Cruse

NEVER!!!

Assigned This Mountain...

The 6 Best Doctors...

Ego Versus Soul

I recently came across a little gem about the ego and the soul.

It’s quite profound. It states things like…

“Ego looks outward. Soul looks inward.”

“Ego sees lack. Soul sees abundance.”

 According to one definition of the word, soul is comprised of the mind, the will and the emotions. So, it stands to reason soul would be quite vulnerable to disease. Indeed, there is a battle going on.

And, let’s get real- a large part of that battle involves the toxic pride factor.

“Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.”

Proverbs 16:18

“For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.”

1 John 2:16

And that pride rubs shoulders with rebellious foolishness.

“The fool hath said in his heart, ‘There is no God.’ They are corrupt, they have done abominable works, there is none that doeth good.”

Psalms 14:1

And yes, that goes for even us Christians.

 It’s not about being a good little boy or girl in the pews on Sunday. Instead, it has everything to do with the very real, very rebellious, prideful and diseased thoughts which have ensnared us in affliction. Saying “no” when we should say “yes.”

As is echoed in the “Ego Versus Soul” post…

“Ego rejects God. Soul embraces God.”

Again, profound.

And, while we may nod our heads in agreement with that statement, do we really examine any rebelliousness lurking in our tricky hearts?

After all, we’re not above being deceived…

“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?”

Jeremiah 17:9

For, once upon a time, there was a certain rebel who let some audacious, prideful attitudes rip.

“And he said unto them, ‘I beheld Satan as lightning fall from heaven.’”

Luke 10:18

"But you said in your heart, 'I will ascend to heaven; I will raise my throne above the stars of God, And I will sit on the mount of assembly In the recesses of the north. I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High.'”

Isaiah 14:13-14

And here were the consequences:

"…you will be thrust down to Sheol, To the recesses of the pit.”

Isaiah 14:15

“How you have fallen from heaven, morning star, son of the dawn! You have been cast down to the earth, you who once laid low the nations!”

Isaiah 14:12

“‘Thy terribleness hath deceived thee, and the pride of thine heart, O thou that dwellest in the clefts of the rock, that holdest the height of the hill: though thou shouldest make thy nest as high as the eagle, I will bring thee down from thence,’ saith the LORD.”

Jeremiah 49:16

So, one can argue if we do not embrace God and His perspective, we’re, therefore, embracing this guy’s attitude instead.

 “For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there.”

James 3:16

Are you squirming yet?

You may think I’m being over the top here. But is it really such an astounding leap?

After all, Jesus, Himself, said, “You are either for or against me.” (Matthew 12:30; Luke 11:23).

Addiction, like it or not, has some rather unflattering roots in pride, envy and self- interest, hence the ego. And, many of us have the wreckage to prove it: hurt loved ones, lost careers, jeopardized health, financial and legal issues. The list goes on.

But the soul…

“In whose hand is the soul of every living thing, and the breath of all mankind.”

Job 12:10

 “Truly my soul waiteth upon God: from him cometh my salvation.”

Psalms 62:1

 “For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling.”

Psalms 116:8

 “Wherefore let them that suffer according to the will of God commit the keeping of their souls to him in well doing, as unto a faithful Creator.”

1 Peter 4:19

But there IS, indeed, some good news concerning our souls; God is not us.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.”

Isaiah 55:8-9

So, because of those different perspectives, our thoughts not necessarily being those of God’s, we need to intentionally approach Him with a different response that the rebellious choices which have landed us where we are.

Enter the favorite recovery word, surrender…and its corresponding steps, such as…

1.      We admitted we were powerless over a substance or behavior - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

All of that flies in the face of rebellious ego. But man, does it ever harmonize with soul!

One of my favorite quotes is from C. S. Lewis:

“You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.”

Again, returning to our definition of soul, that of our mind, will and emotions, we are, therefore, challenged to utilize those three components toward, not away from, God. No easy feat. Often, it’s not fun. Let’s just get real about it.

Yet, there is a more fulfilling, healthier path is choosing that direction.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”

Proverbs 3:5-6

There is a question being asked of us. Our response is needed.

Which one do we choose to pursue, especially concerning our recovery?

 Is it the ego? Or is it the soul?

Copyright © 2018 by Sheryle Cruse