Assorted rants, posts, support, whatnot for those of us who deal with eating disorders, recovery from them, and participation from a real, loving, involved Creator! He's amazing! "Arise!"
Sunday, July 31, 2022
In the Way
“Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing
enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.”
Marianne
Williamson
Years
ago, at a family wedding, I was navigating a reception full of people. As
everyone was milling around, trying to access the refreshments, I made the
comment, bumping into people, “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to be in the way.” One
person responded to that comment by saying, “You’re not in the way,” and
it jolted me. I had a sudden awareness, just then, of those three little words,
which seemed to govern much of my life: “In the Way.”
Yes,
those three little words seemed to be there from the start, and, perhaps,
explain some of my descent into disordered eating. I had been through therapy
and had even having written a book about my experiences, including this
excerpted poem:
“…I
must be as small as dust…
Smaller
just
take up
less
space
less
room…
Just
be small,
Nothing,
No
trouble
at
all…”
“Famine
(Little Girl Decided),” from “Thin Enough: My Spiritual Journey of an Eating
Disorder” by Sheryle Cruse
I thought I had dealt with things in a
thorough manner. I thought I had dealt with the insidious triggers and
issues that had plagued me throughout my childhood and young adulthood.
But,
come on, it’s not that tidy, is it?
No,
rather this wedding moment showed me how “in the way” was still a
roadblock I encountered daily. But now, in more recent days, it had less
to do with food or body issues… and more to do with feeling inherently
worthy.
I
know. Cliché much?
Yet,
at this wedding I was confronted by my own personal negative associations
regarding taking up space.
Subtext:
taking up too much space.
The
oppressive judgment here was palpable. Always screaming at me, “too
much, never enough, too much, never enough.” It went beyond
food, weight, and body issues. We’re talking soul level here: my mind, will,
and emotions were constantly hounded by self-rejection. I held myself to
impossible standards, always condemning myself for coming up short. I could not
occupy my place on this planet “right.” I was not taking up the “right” amount
of value space. I was, essentially, “in the way.”
So,
what are some of the things we, perhaps, tell ourselves, convincing ourselves
of this harmful perspective in the first place?
Our
mere existence is blocking something better.
Right
away, we are confronted by the lie we tell ourselves: we are inherently
unworthy and value-less. The good old “not good enough” argument encroaches on
us, insisting that someone or something is always “better” than us. No matter
what we do or do not do, it doesn’t seem to matter. We are not as good as
(insert that someone or something).
It
is simply inconceivable to believe that we, all by ourselves, are enough. We
don’t need to prove anything. There is no bar we need to reach. And we are
certainly not a “placeholder” until that “something better” comes along.
You
and I are “it,” right now. Let’s remember to act like it.
We
are unwanted… by everyone… all the time.
This
old classic.
For
those of us who’ve survived any kind of abuse, especially from our family of
origin, we have often internalized the harmful message of “I am not wanted.” Maybe
we were literally told that, day in, day out, by our parents, partners, or spouses.
And no matter how much therapy, positive affirmation, and healthier choices we
may make in life, we still grapple with an embedded sense of unworthiness,
don’t we?
Everyone
wants to feel chosen. Yet how many of us actually experience that state
of being on a regular basis? Life is grueling enough, filled with rejection at
every turn.
And,
for those of us who have endured abuse, that “chosen” or “wanted” status is the
elusive carrot, constantly dangled before us, promising us the world and a life
free of fear, pain, and unhappiness, only “if” we perform according to
specification.
So,
we chase the carrot, hoping “this time” it will work. “this time” the lie will
be the truth. But it doesn’t quite work out that way.
Just
more chasing.
And,
all the while, we are in the barren land of feeling “in the way.” After all,
what else are we to think? We’re not chosen. We are tolerated, at best.
This
is often the mistaken, toxic belief of some other person, forced on us, largely
because, many times, this person was an adult, a parent, an authority figure
who supposedly “knew better.”
But,
oftentimes, at best, they were products of abusive dynamics themselves.
Call it pattern, generational curse, or cycle, the same toxic message gets
passed down from generation to generation.
Left
unchallenged, it continues to proliferate.
But
we can interrupt and intercept that harmful message.
We
can, after all, want and choose ourselves.
Eye
roll all you want, but, having survived our traumas of childhood, destructive
relationships, and unhealthy coping strategies (and, if you are reading these
words, yes, indeed, you have survived your circumstances), you
and I are now in a better position to make another choice… a better
choice.
Small
choice by small choice. Line by line. Precept by precept.
What
teeny choice can we make right now?
We
don’t deserve to want and need.
This
old chestnut. The deserving of it all.
Oh,
where to start, where to start?
Unworthiness
messages, again, often start being received in our childhood experiences.
Parents, peers, teachers, and other influential adults are just some of the
usual suspects. We are told- and taught- that, inherently, we don’t deserve
love, peace, and autonomy. Abuse steals those things from us, by denying our
very right to experience them, by downplaying why we should seek
them out, and by shaming us for desiring them in the first place.
But
living with those things in our lives is vital, just, and warranted. We are not
wrong for having needs and wants, especially for love, security, safety, and
dignity. And if we are told otherwise, if we are told we are “in the
way,” for hungering for those basic of human rights, that is simply a
destructive lie, based nowhere in fact, only in a harmful agenda to control,
manipulate, and abuse.
Remove
the Stone.
Life
can start out by piling on the avalanche of “in the way” rocks. But,
eventually, we can become our own boulder. We can become our own abuser, if
we’re not careful and mindful. We can stand as an obstacle to our ultimate
purpose and happiness, and we can crush anyone and anything that comes across
our path, trying to love and bless us.
We,
all by ourselves, can do this. We can get in our own way.
But
we can make another choice. We can accept we have the inherent right to
take up space, to exist, to be loved, to be treated well. Is it easy? No. Is it
a one-time thing? No.
But
is it meant for each one of us, no matter what? Yes.
You
and I have the right to exist, to thrive, to live, love and be loved,
respected, and appreciated by others. We’re not second- class citizens. We’re
not scraps, leftovers, or damaged goods.
You
and I are not “in the way.” We belong in this life for powerful, meaningful
reasons. Let’s find our way with that.
Copyright
© 2022 by Sheryle Cruse
Is That So? (Consider the Source)
Is
it true; is it kind, or is it necessary?”
Socrates
Words.
Words heal. Words kill.
We have all heard the expression, “If you don’t have anything
nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
Yet life isn’t that simple when it comes to what is said to
us, is it?
And nothing gets the painful ball rolling quite like
hearing certain things from our childhood, often beginning with our family of
origin. For here is where seeds get planted, lies get told as truths,
and issues are born long before we realize them as such.
Some examples?
“You’re ugly. / “You’re
fat.”
Almost from the start of our
arrival on the planet, we are assessed and judged by our appearance.
Boy/Girl.
Healthy/Unhealthy.
And soon, before we know it…
Cute/Ugly.
Thin/Fat.
Value determinations are right
alongside of these simple, yet powerful, words. We are often taught, usually at
the speech of a trusted adult, that we aren’t good enough because of how we
look in their estimation.
And it has nothing to do
with who we are… and everything to do with who they are.
Consider
the Source:
Hello, Projection.
Some of us with disordered food,
weight, and body image issues, indeed, have endured this kind of projection.
Perhaps there was a parent who struggled with his/her own weight, and, instead
of dealing with those issues directly, saw an answer or a release valve in
shaming us when we were small children.
Doing so, perhaps, allowed the
adult parent to still self-hate and be critical but take no responsibility for
his/her personal behavior. Placing the blame on someone external, even if that
is a small child, redirects the source of the problem. Yes, it’s the child’s
fault, not mine.
So, there are those of us who have
absorbed the harmful lie that there is something wrong with us. We are fat. We
are ugly. We are bad. We are wrong. We should work on fixing that,
a/k/a, fixing Mommy or Daddy, to make things right.
It’s our job to do so, after all.
Our childlike mind cannot withstand anything contrary to that punishing
job description.
We want to be good boys and girls,
right?
“You’re stupid.”
After our very image has been
assaulted as children, what can usually come next is our intellect. Think about
how many times you, perhaps, were told, “You’re stupid.”
And it is sometimes accompanied
with the following question:
“Can’t you do anything
right?
These commentaries attack or core
being. Essentially, we, as children, can often absorb the message, “I’m too
stupid to live, be loved, and to have self-worth.” That realized language may
come later as we mature and even enter therapy.
But, make no mistake, as innocent
children, we internalize the visceral experience solely as a defect in us.
We believe there is something inherently wrong with us.
We’re “too stupid” for it to be otherwise.
Consider
the Source:
People
sometimes do not have our best interests at heart. In fact, sometimes, they
live to have our worst interests motivating their behaviors.
Now, add the devastating factor of a so-called
trusted adult, parent, or authority figure to the equation and see just
how damaging the results can be!
Jealousy,
insecurity, and schadenfreude (the term used to describe someone who delights
in another’s pain or misfortune) are not limited to adult-on-adult
relationships and interactions. No, often, their tentacles can spread from a fully
grown adult, jealous, and insecure of the child within his/her midst.
For
instance, a mother recognizes the special gifts and talents in her daughter. Those
gifts and talents may be a high I.Q., a unique creativity, or a precocious
communication style, so far advanced for the child’s tender years, that this
adult gets threatened by it.
The
adult may, indeed, feel “less than” whenever she is in her child’s presence.
Insecurity, jealousy, and a need to “level,” to “take the child down a peg or a
notch” becomes all-consuming.
If
the adult cannot rise to that level of brilliance or intellect, naturally,
according to the insecure parent, the only recourse is to eviscerate the
child’s giftings and sense of self, so that the child, indeed, is the “less
than” individual in the parent-child relationship.
“You’re worthless.”
This harmful statement is often
uttered on the part of the parent and/or trust adult authority figure. It comes
across, via image and performance-focused issues.
Some of us are told it outright. Some of us get the insidious constant message, communicated daily to us.
We are inundated with beliefs like, “I don’t look the way I’m supposed to
look,” “I don’t act the way I’m supposed to act,” “I’m wrong,” and “I can never
do anything right.”
Therefore, it’s not too long before
we draw the conclusion, if it isn’t dictated directly to us, “I’m worthless.”
Consider
the Source:
Who
told/taught you that?
Again,
who is the first author of this harmful belief, directed our way?
We
learned it from somewhere, from someone, after all.
But,
perhaps just as important of a question is “Why did they
tell/teach you that?”
Again, it’s important to recognize that
another person’s motivation, be they trusted parent or any other adult in our
young lives, may not be noble, healthy, or loving.
When
an adult, especially a parent, to a child, insists that child is value-less, defective,
or only as good as the last thing achieved or perceived (focusing on the
elusive image and perfectionistic mandates), it screams more of that adult’s
inferior sense of self.
And
again, that adult may wrongly determine the solution to their poor self-
image is to make the child’s self-image worse.
It’s
the adult’s issue, not the child’s. That is, unless and until, through abuse of
the power and the charge the adult has over the child, the young and innocent
party is now inheriting the unresolved issued of previous generations.
And
the child doesn’t question why it’s happening, often times, because they
implicitly trust that their parents, teachers, coaches and other “respected
authority figures “know what they’re doing, love me, and want the best for me.”
In
an ideal world, yes.
But
do we live in that world?
Is That So?
These three little words can begin
a relief-inspiring process of healing, if we are open to it, if we are willing
to challenge the “reality” which appears to be so intimidating.
“Is That So?”
Incorporating these three words,
saying them out loud to ourselves, and even to others can, indeed, place
us on a path of heathier self-perception and choices.
You and I were fed any number of
lies and harmful beliefs about who we were in the world. Many of us have been
wrestling with that daunting setup since childhood.
When we were children, there was
little we could do to fight against that harshness. The adults had the power,
the ability, the control, and the force to execute whatever misguided, abusive,
and evil will they desired to inflict upon us.
But we are adults now, empowered to
choose something different, if, for no other reason, than to honor
that long silenced and neglected child. The question is “Will we do that?”
Consider
the Source:
As you and I consider each harmful source,
speaking each harmful word into our lives, will we create another source, all
our own? Will it be ourselves, someone who, when questioned if we are
worthy already, someone who will confidently respond with an
authentic and brave “yes?”
Let’s start being that kind
of authentic and brave source right now, right where we are!
Copyright © 2022 by
Sheryle Cruse
Saturday, July 30, 2022
The Root of All Evil?
I’ve
noticed, as a person of faith, that 1 Timothy 6:10 often gets
misquoted:
“For the love of money is the root of all
evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and
pierced themselves through with many sorrows.”
Most
of the time, people insist the scripture states how money is the root of all
evil.
Nope.
As
human beings, we, so often, get money all wrong: its purpose, its pleasure, its
very existence in our daily lives.
Yes,
money IS an issue, for each of us.
And
we’ve all heard the phrase, “Money is no object.”
But
it turns out to be the exact opposite of reality, in fact, doesn’t it?
So,
let’s take a little stroll through money and see what it is about this sucker
that can bring so much promise… and pain.
Money
is an amplifier.
Do
you ever notice that what we spend our money on seems to indicate a kind of
theme, sometimes, an exaggerated, caricature-infused theme, to who we are as
individuals?
For
instance, if we look at our bank statements and see how we spent $3,000 last month
at GummyBears Forever.com, it might not be a gigantic leap to assume we have a
sweet tooth, or at least a gummy tooth. We like candy.
And
our “candy” can be anything.
Clothes.
Shoes. Drugs. Charities that help starving children or cute, fuzzy animals.
Creepy porcelain dolls that keep staring at you wherever you stand in the room.
What
we value is what, sooner or later, we buy, or, at least, try to find a
way to buy.
Look
at your own ledger right now. What is your theme?
Money
amplifies. If we want to improve and help a situation, it’s an amplifier
of that intention. If we want debauchery, it can, also, likewise,
amplify that as well.
And,
more than likely, we’ll need bail money.
It’s
not about shaming anyone for their guilty pleasures. We need a bit of that in
our lives, from time to time.
But
it speaks to the issues of our hearts and what they focus on. What is
that… truly? And be honest.
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows
from it.”
Proverbs 4:23
Is
it something that that can bring healing… or destruction? We have a say in
creating that reality. What will we choose?
Money
is a tool.
“… money answereth all things.”
Ecclesiastes 10:19
By
itself, money is neutral. It’s when the attachments and the associations come
onboard that we seem to run into problems.
For
some of us, that may mean we demonize money as “bad,” as something that only
encompasses greed and corruption.
Perhaps,
we were instructed as children that money is carnal, sinful, lustful.
Maybe
we were shamed for saving coins in our piggy banks.
Money
can fund charities, feed the homeless, cure disease, offer practical, needed
help the very second it’s needed, provided IF it’s allowed to function
in that capacity as a tool.
And
that largely depends on us.
Money
is a tool, like a hammer. We can build with it. It can be used to protect,
nurture, and help.
Money
is a weapon.
Or,
conversely, money, like that of a hammer, can be used as a weapon.
Yes,
a hammer can also destroy as easily as it can build; a hammer can kill or maim.
It all depends upon the person holding it.
Just
like money.
“For the love of money is the root of all
evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and
pierced themselves through with many sorrows.”
1 Timothy 6:10
And
again, we’re back to greed, along with its offspring like corruption,
extortion, murder, theft.
And,
before we get too smug with ourselves, reassuring ourselves that we don’t
engage in any of that extreme behavior, that we’re not criminals, we are
brought back to day-to-day reality, all the same.
Money
can be weaponized in smaller, more subtle ways. We can view money as a means
with which to control, exert power, and even perpetuate toxic love.
And
we can all be guilty of doing this within the context of relationships. We can
dangle the hope, the false promise over someone, assuring them that, yes, if
he/she agrees to certain arrangements or parameters, then, indeed, there will
be a payoff, making the whole thing worthwhile.
But
it isn’t that clear cut, is it?
After
all, there exists the phrase, “when you marry for money, you get what you pay
for” for a reason.
A
price will be paid.
And
what is the payment? Your life? Your health? Your sanity?
Is
that a fair trade?
Each
of us, then, perhaps, would do well to remember we can just as easily harm
someone by our attitudes and actions concerning money, as help them. Our
thoughts can determine our deeds.
Will
we allow ourselves to use money as a weapon, in big or small ways?
Money
is a Healer.
Before
we fall into despair that money is just too hopeless when handled by us mere
mortals, we also have the capacity to employ it as a healing instrument.
Again,
it speaks to opportunity… and our willingness to TAKE the opportunity.
“Withhold not good from them to whom it is
due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it.”
Proverbs 3:27
The
decision to allow for healing is not passive. It requires deliberate,
conscious, action-filled caring and intention.
Money
is no object. Indeed, it is not.
Rather,
it is a portal of a fully alive and engaged life-sustaining force. But we need to
choose that life option for ourselves, each time we deal with money.
Will we?
Copyright © 2022 by Sheryle Cruse
A Narcissist’s Prayer
When I was a child, I was at the dinner table with an adult family
member and everyone was saying grace, everyone, that is, except this
individual.
As a filter-less child, I noticed this and spoke up about it.
“Why isn’t (this person) saying grace?”
Another family member, clearly uncomfortable and trying to do
damage control stammered, “Well, (this person) is,
in their own way.”
Meanwhile, I saw this non-praying person, the one “praying in
their own way,” seethe with raw rage, making the entire table fearful of the
wrath that was about to reign down.
Little did I know then, as I know now, I had just witnessed the Narcissist’s
Prayer.
I happened upon a post about Narcissism, online, months ago, called
the Narcissist’s Prayer. It goes like
this:
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, it’s not a big
deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
Yikes. Yeah.
So, going back to my childhood prayer incident, I saw just how I
was, indeed, being taught this prayer, not only by the Narcissist, but by those
people surrounding the Narcissist as well.
That didn’t happen.
Cognitive dissonance 101: That thing you experienced? Yeah, you
didn’t experience that at all. You’re mistaken. You’re stupid. You’re being silly.
Let’s face it, gaslighting makes things easier on everyone else,
doesn’t it? By utilizing gaslighting, people can avoid the discomfort of
addressing uncomfortable, confrontational, adversarial truth.
Yeah, that could ruin dinner.
Or confronting
the situation could expose abusive, toxic, unhealthy relationships and
behaviors that are harmful and not acceptable for anyone to display, at any
age.
But, too often, the “adults in the room” determine they know
what’s best. And dealing with an issue addressed “out of the mouths of
babes” is not what’s best, according to them. It’s inconvenient.
It’s unpleasant. It ruins an arrangement, a deal struck, a system that seems to
be working “for everyone else.”
Therefore, the decision is made, and the person pointing out
something everyone else wishes to ignore, is sacrificed for the greater
good: of the family, of the group, of the organization or of the system.
Therefore… that didn’t happen.
BUT IT DID HAPPEN.
As a child, I learned to distrust my gut instincts, deferring to
someone’s opinion, “who knew better.” And again, being in that kind of
headspace can work great for those people who want to keep the lie or
the dysfunction going.
You and I don’t have to be children for that vulnerability to
exist. It can happen at any age, with any person, because we are trained to make
someone else’s determination more important than our own intuition.
And we need to know, especially if we’ve never been taught or encouraged
to embrace this lesson, that we are capable of knowing what’s real, of
knowing we are capable for calling a situation accurately.
If something feels off to us, nine times out of ten,
it’s off.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, it’s not a big deal.
“You’re overreacting.”
Ever been told that?
That must be the pet statement of a Narcissistic system, too
invested in controlling other people with cognitive dissonance and gaslighting.
The mission is to invalidate, confuse, cause self-doubt, and, therefore,
silence and stop anyone who dares to speak out against abuse and
mistreatment.
The statement is even more insidious, as it is cloaked in
diffusing a situation which, left unchallenged, “could get out of hand.”
So, hush.
Concerning my childhood experience, my observation that the
Narcissist was not praying was met with the explanation, ““Well, (this
person) is, in their own way.” I was taught to not trust that I
knew what praying looked like. I was taught to see that “in their own way,”
instead, involved, no actual praying, but explosive rage instead, and then, further
minimization of my observations and fears continued from there.
Here, I
was instructed, far from the dinner table, that my apprehension wasn’t
warranted, all because, concerning this family member, “at least didn’t hit
me.”
What?
As a child, I had no idea how to deal with comparative abuse. How could
I?
Why did someone have to get hit to have something be wrong, scary, or
dangerous? Why was someone else’s interpretation of “what’s really bad” grounds
for convincing me I shouldn’t be alarmed by my situation?
Abuse and mistreatment: it’s not a competition for “who had it
worse.” All are terrifying and should not be allowed to continue.
But the Narcissist and his/her allies enabling him/her, are all
about erecting criteria of why they are right and you and I, the
targets of abuse, of any abuse, are wrong. The Narcissist, and
those who support that person, are interested in keeping status quo, towing the
line, and creating life experiences that are toxic, not healthy. “Healthy” means
the Narcissist wouldn’t always get their way.
And we can’t have that happen, now can we?
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
Again, as a child, far from the dinner table, I was schooled on
how my “outburst” caused the rage. You know the old phrase, “children should be
seen and not heard?” Well, I, as a child, was solely responsible for the rage
of this other adult, all because I dared to be both audible and visible. I
should know better than to ask a question no one else wanted to answer. Asking
a question equaled an unruly, childish outburst. I should know better.
But it wouldn’t have been any different if I had been an adult,
questioning the same situation. It wasn’t about the age of the questioner. It
was about the forbidden mandate to ask the question, in the first place. That
was unacceptable, tantamount to treason of the highest violation. Indeed, doing
so, would “go against the family.”
And, as we all know from watching “The Godfather” films, “no one
goes against the family.”
So, the defensive strategy toward the vile offender is to punish
that person and convince them they are to blame.
I experienced other family members telling me, the child, if I
just were quiet, cooperative, and a good little girl, I wouldn’t have upset
this person so. Compliance. Failure to go along with that? Well, I guess I
internalized the message: I got what was coming to me.
This is a form of cognitive dissonance and gaslighting. It shifts all
personal responsibility and rightful accountability, from the abuser to
the victim.
“You made me beat you,” in essence.
But again, it doesn’t always have to be extreme
physical abuse. It can be the more subtle mental and emotional mind games,
planting seeds, deep with us, that we are the problem, the burden, the
cause.
We start to believe, “If only we could just act right and
be good…”
If only…
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
Excuses.
They are a staple of many Narcissistic abusers, and the people who
support them.
As a child, I absorbed the blame for this grace at the dinner
table scenario.
Okay, I reasoned…
I was wrong to believe this
person wasn’t praying.
I was wrong to ask about it and call attention to it.
I was wrong because I got this person mad.
I was wrong because this person was special, and therefore, had
full permission to show scary rage.
I was wrong because, no matter what I did or did not do, it wasn’t
enough. I was to blame for ALL of it.
That’s an enormous amount of information for any person to carry.
Now, let’s add something more to that cargo, shall we?
As if I wasn’t feeling upset enough, confused enough, and troubled
enough, now I had family members telling me such things as “They didn’t mean
to do it. They don’t feel very good about themselves inside.”
Are you kidding me?
So, now, I’m supposed to take all of this on the chin because of
someone else’s lower self-esteem issues? That is what gets this person yet
another free pass?
Again, personal responsibility and accountability for one’s
actions were nowhere to be found, at the dinner table, or anywhere else,
for that matter.
I was informed, repeatedly, how I needed to make allowances, how I
needed to be understanding and tolerant of this person, and their poor
behavior. After all, they “couldn’t help it.”
How many of us have been told these things about an abuser? How
many of us are gaslit into accepting responsibility for the abuse the abuser
caused towards us?
Now, the cognitive dissonance gets ramped up even further. Now
we can really enter codependency land. The assertion (the lie) we
believe is this:
“Not only am I extremely to blame for my behavior, but I am
also responsible and to blame for any other person’s bad behavior, especially
if they mistreat me. I am to blame, for everyone’s sins, behaviors, thoughts,
words, and deeds.”
And that sets the stage for the last part of the
Narcissist’s prayer…
And if I did, you deserved it.
Blame, blame, blame!
Look no further than to you and me, huh?
Not surprisingly, this childhood dinnertime event was not the only
time I encountered the Narcissist’s Prayer. It just laid much of the groundwork
for the incidents yet to come. And that groundwork taught me the lay of the
Narcissistic land:
There are special rules for this person.
Preferential treatment is, of course, a given.
There is a special set of truths for this person in the
world.
And they get access to them all.
You cannot partake of any of their perks. For, that is not your
role and function.
Yours, good news for you, is merely to
serve this Narcissist, to serve this abuser.
That
is your lot in life.
Congratulations.
(I’m sure Hallmark makes a card for just this situation).
Indeed, as childhood evolved into adolescence and then into adulthood,
I learned, like many of us caught in these abusive dynamics, that we are simply
here to endure and be at the mercy of whatever this abusive, disordered,
dysfunctional person wants to do with and to us.
It’s not a message we internalize and live from a one-time
encounter. It is the daily slights, the daily injustices, the daily injuries,
sometimes, even mixed within the “good times,” that have us believing
the tenets of this toxic prayer. We know it feels unholy to us. But, because it
is normalized so often, we get to a point of resigning ourselves to our fate.
We can believe our prayers are not heard, because the Narcissist’s
are. We need only look to the evidence known as our lives. They get
carte blanche. We get Hell.
But right here, right now, we need to dismantle that Narcissist’s prayer.
It is who that toxic person is, not who we are.
In short…
That didn’t happen.
Yes it DID! You and I witnessed it!
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
Yes, it was that bad! It hurt us; it changed us.
And if it was, it’s not a big deal.
It is a big deal. It has affected our lives in significant
ways.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
It is our abuser’s fault. Their choices and actions have
consequences. They are responsible for those consequences.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
They meant it; it was easier for you and me to
absorb blame and shame than it was for them to face what they did. And
they let us (or made us) take their issues on because it
benefited them to do so.
And if I did, you deserved it.
You and I did not deserve to be abused or mistreated. It
didn’t matter what we did or did not do. Someone else abusing us is never
right, never acceptable, never good childrearing, never
loving, never discipline or something that’s “for our own good.” You and
I were harmed. Anything else challenging that is a lie, a
manipulation, or a justification. We were harmed and it wasn’t right that we were.
That is
the truth.
Let us all say, “Amen!”
Copyright © 2022 by Sheryle Cruse