It was Then...

 

“Right Weight” (The Power of Words In Disorder and Recovery)

 

 

Words.

As a writer and a speaker, words are my tools. I cannot deny their importance. They are communication and often, life itself.

And two words, in particular, which have been particularly powerful for me since childhood are “right weight.”

Mom introduced this phrase to me as a young girl. It was a promised land goal as we both struggled to cope with the abuse we endured in our home. We fluctuated from being “food buddies” to “diet buddies,” on again, off again, on again, off again, for years.

I talk about its impact in my book, “Thin Enough…”

“Our buzz phrase was, ‘When we get down to our right weight…’ Of course, that must mean we were at our wrong weight... I was becoming so very aware of exactly how unacceptable I was... It was frequently pointed out to me. Diets were first. Then came the insults, the jokes, the strategies… Comments like, ‘You’re looking a little pudgy lately,’ and ‘Be careful, honey, you don’t want to get much fatter now’ came from my family and neighbors...

…I hated one comment most of all... In a patronizing, sickly sweet voice, someone would say to me, ‘You have such a pretty face, if you’d just lose some weight…’ There! So my body was what was wrong with me after all! It hurt even more because this comment dangled the hope of beauty, and yet placed the blame on me, a little girl, for not achieving it. It was my fault...”

So, what was set in motion was my eating disorder road of anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, self-hatred and a spiritual crisis, all hinging upon the following lie:

“I am not acceptable.”

“Right weight…”

I risked my life, health and spiritual connection, all due to the negative gravity of those words.

And, even though my mother never was anorexic or bulimic herself, she still has spent her life grappling with the over-promise/under-delivery of those words to be her ultimate answer.

She’s been what is considered, by medical standards, to be “morbidly obese” for well over thirty years now.

And she has not been unscathed by chasing that dangled carrot of “right weight.”

She has now been diagnosed with Type II Diabetes. She has high blood pressure and has had at least two strokes which have left her unable to walk. She spends most of her time in her wheelchair.

Yet, even to this day, when I attend her doctor’s appointments or care conferences, she still talks about getting down to her “right weight.”

I am challenged by feelings of frustration, hurt and defeat when I hear her still speak that way.

Sobering. There’s no denying it. We believe words. It’s just a matter of which words capture our minds and our mouths.

Disturbing… Provoking…

And, years later, as I face other young people, hounded by their own self-destructive words, I feel, more than ever, we need to go on the offense when it comes to teaching healthier self-image to our children. It’s an uphill battle, at best.

Nevertheless, here are a few tips, especially if it involves a parent/child dynamic…

What To Say To Someone Struggling With Disordered Food Or Body Image Issues...

1)      Don’t diet as a “buddy project.” If there is a legitimate health concern, seek professional help.

 

2)      Don’t participate in “fat talk” or body shaming of any kind.

3)      Be aware of both what her values, opinions and feelings on beauty, weight and personal worth are; likewise, be aware of and differentiate your own as well. Don’t belittle him/her on the basis of his/her differences.

 

4)      Don’t compare and comment on any other person’s looks (including his/hers or yours) in a critical, negative manner.

 

5)      Don’t equate terms like “right weight,” “perfect weight” or a specific dress size or number on the scale as being the solution to a happy life or a rewarding sense of self. Instead, emphasize health: mind, body and spirit, which incorporates a lifestyle of healthier foods and moderate, not punishing, exercise.

 

Let’s be AWARE of what we say- to ourselves and to others. Words DO have power. Let’s use them wisely.

Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse

This is Important...

 

The Search For Rejection?

 

“Actors search for rejection. If they don’t get it, they reject themselves.”

Charlie Chaplin

As someone with a theatre background, I’ve often encountered rejection.

I’ve endured many auditions and have heard my fair share of no. I didn’t look the part, sound the part, I couldn’t get a handle on a certain accent or I simply was not “good enough.”

Ah, yes, “good enough.” For many of us perfectionists and/or recovering addicts, this little phrase cuts right to the core.

In one way or another, we are recovering from something in life. And yes, it’s often fueled by rejection.

Years ago, when I played the crazy housewife character, Bananas in John Guare’s, “The House of Blue Leaves,” I behaved like a dog, begging for attention.

It wasn’t my first stint at begging, however. Like many of us, my rejection issues stemmed from unmet needs involving my parents. I discuss it in my book, “Thin Enough: My Spiritual Journey Through the Living Death of an Eating Disorder.”

 “I desperately wanted my dad to notice me. I learned very quickly that one surefire way to do that was by winning awards. When I won something, I wasn’t completely worthless... I was “earning my keep.” I set impossible standards for myself.

...For three years in a row, I did not missed one day of school, knowing that I would win a perfect attendance certificate, tangible proof on paper that I was worthwhile. It became a standard I had to maintain because my dad seemed pleased in my performance... So for the next few years, I went to school with colds, sore throats and influenza. I remember going to school once with a temperature of over 101, sitting at my desk, on the verge of throwing up, yet only thinking of that certificate.

When I reached junior high, I became so sick once I had to stay home... My dad, who had never really been sick with so much as a cold, was unsympathetic to my condition. With each passing day I stayed home from school, the tension mounted... After three days home, he had enough. He decided he would take me into school to make sure I got there.

On the way to school, he was fuming and I was scared to death, but my fourteen-year-old mind wanted to know something... I got up the nerve to ask him, ‘Do you still love me?’ His answer? ‘If you do this again, I won’t.’

His answer proved it. It was my fault. I had to prove myself in order to be loved...”

However, there was an ugly little reality I didn’t want to admit; I was getting a payoff from the rejection.

Whether it was an excuse to wallow, a free pass from accountability or just me being a true drama queen, my rejection perception was giving me something. I say perception because, let’s get real, nine times out of ten there was no actual rejection going on at all. It was simply my feelings run amuck.

Furthermore, I missed one critical Truth that, as an adult, I’m now acknowledging: my dad’s behavior- or anyone else’s- was not necessarily The Most High’s response.

He feels and acts differently when it comes to the love issue:

“...‘Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.’”

                                                             Jeremiah 31:3             

Furthermore, He doesn’t reject.

 “I have chosen you and have not cast you away.”

Isaiah 41:9

"...‘I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.’"
Hebrews 13:5

So, where does all this reveling in rejection come from?

Again, there could be a payoff that, perhaps, we get addicted to. Yes, we can get addicted to feelings, unhealthy drama and chaos.

Pity parties can feel wonderful. Being intense and moody can give us the illusion of being powerful. Rejecting ourselves before anyone else gets a crack at us can appear to de-victimize us.

Scripture calls us out on the rejection reality concerning each of us:

"We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed."
2 Corinthians 4:9
Life may deal some crushing blows, rejection being one of them. However, we need to determine the true source and the meaning, exactly, of our trials.

No one gets through life unscathed. Pain is a human experience, not a selective attack.

“I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favor to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all. “

 

Ecclesiastes 9:11

 

So, if we’re feeling rejected, could it be really, our own doing? And, if so, are we getting some payoff from the self-inflicted pain? It’s worth searching.

“Search me... and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Psalms 139:23-24

And, in the meantime, we can remember a spiritual truth; Elohim never rejects:

“I have chosen you and have not cast you away.”

Isaiah 41:9

"...‘I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.’"
Hebrews 13:5

Let’s bask, therefore, in His acceptance. Period.

Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reflection: A Study of Life

 

The infamous mirror. We do battle with it every single day, don’t we? How many of us pick ourselves apart, critiquing, judging and hating every feature? How many of us, upon seeing our reflection, are disgusted and disappointed with what we see?

There is a use for everything, mirrors included. They serve a purpose. Let’s face it- if it weren’t for mirrors, there’d be more instances of lipstick on- and spinach in- teeth. We’d look much messier than we do when we present ourselves to the world.

But mirrors are not the end all, be all to our eternal worth and value. They are far from it.

“But the LORD said…‘Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature… for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart.’”

1 Samuel 16:7

I once saw a photo of the legend, Lauren Bacall, getting dressed. 

You see her next to some of her clothes on a hanger, as she adjusts her belt. And, accompanying that photo is her quote:

“Looking at yourself in a mirror isn’t exactly a study of life.”

Lauren Bacall

I was struck by that. I mean, here is this world famous beauty, movie star and glamour icon who should be paralyzed by any imperfect image reflected back at her.

Yet there she is, looking calm and unaffected. It is like she is at peace knowing her appearance is just a fraction of who she is.

Oh, if we could all learn and embody that lesson.

When I was a teenager, I drew various still life studies in my art class. I drew plants, bottles and even a collection of old toys.

And it is that last still life study which, years later, reminds me of how, yes indeed, there is more than meets the eye. For, as I drew that inanimate object, that’s all it appeared to be: inanimate. But the truth was so much more. The truth involved hours of imaginative play. The truth involved happiness, comfort and friendship. What appeared to just be a stuffed animal or doll could not explain how alive, how real and how valuable the subject actually was.

The still life just depicted a grouping of inanimate objects. That’s all.

And how similar things are when we look upon ourselves in any mirror. We see shapes and configurations of shapes. We see colors, lines and textures. But we do not have our entire history and value assessed in that reflection. We cannot see memories, traumas, scars, life lessons. We cannot see The Divine’s ultimate purpose and estimation of us. One can argue we cannot even see His love for us.

But it is there. Oh, it is there.

“But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.”

2 Corinthians 3:18

“…being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.”

Philippians 1:6

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

Jeremiah 29:11

It’s something to keep in mind each day as we prepare ourselves to face the world. As we choose dresses, skirts, ties and suits, apply makeup, fix our hair and make sure we don’t have anything in or on our teeth, let’s not neglect how valuable our unseen qualities are.

It’s the invisible which is most glorious. And it is what casts the largest refection.

It is so much more than a still life. It is a masterpiece.

“But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.”

2 Corinthians 3:18

Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse

 

Please Don’t Attack the Mirror

 

 

“Do you have eyes of flesh? Do you see as a mortal sees?”

Job 10:4

I recently saw this little guy, capturing the less than thrilled gaze we can often have of ourselves.

Been there lately?

Ah, that notorious mirror. It’s difficult to deal with it. Our desires, expectations and punishments are often all we see when we look into the glass.

Thankfully our view is vastly different from The Most High’s view.

 “…God does not see as humans see. Humans look at outward appearances, but the LORD looks into the heart."

1 Samuel 16:7

In my recovery process, a large element of healing has been in challenging the viewpoint I embrace as valuable, beautiful and worthwhile. Often, I’ve not chosen the healthy, inspirational or realistic image; death, disease and destruction have been more like it.

And yes, the physical aesthetics of beauty and appearance do come into play.

But what I have encountered more powerfully has been the viewpoint Elohim holds for each of us beyond the exterior. The fact is, sooner or later, we all come to a place in which we realize we are mortal- and imperfect (hate to break it to ya).

“For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.”

Psalms 103:14

And, when that time comes, what will we look to when a “perfect” face and body don’t quite materialize, let alone, last?

It is here where our Father’s viewpoint comes into crystal clear, hope-filled focus…

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

Jeremiah 29:11

“But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.”

2 Corinthians 3:18

What we focus on the most DOES loom the largest in our lives.

Where’s your focus been lately?

Are you like this feline, fighting the mirror?

Dare to see beyond what appears obvious.

Dare to see with faith’s eye, a loving Father who, indeed, is working it all out in your life.

Dare to see that His valuable estimation of you as valuable, right now!

And, in this process, dare to make peace with your mirror!

Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse

 

Ego Versus Soul

 

I recently came across a little gem about the ego and the soul.                               

It’s quite profound. It states things like…

“Ego looks outward. Soul looks inward.”

“Ego sees lack. Soul sees abundance.”

 According to one definition of the word, soul is comprised of the mind, the will and the emotions. So, it stands to reason soul would be quite vulnerable to disease. Indeed, there is a battle going on.

And, let’s get real- a large part of that battle involves the toxic pride factor.

“Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.”

Proverbs 16:18

“For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.”

1 John 2:16

And that pride rubs shoulders with rebellious foolishness.

“The fool hath said in his heart, ‘There is no God.’ They are corrupt, they have done abominable works, there is none that doeth good.”

Psalms 14:1

And yes, that goes for even us Christians.

 It’s not about being a good little boy or girl in the pews on Sunday. Instead, it has everything to do with the very real, very rebellious, prideful and diseased thoughts which have ensnared us in affliction. Saying “no” when we should say “yes.”

As is echoed in the “Ego Versus Soul” post…

“Ego rejects God. Soul embraces God.”

Again, profound.

And, while we may nod our heads in agreement with that statement, do we really examine any rebelliousness lurking in our tricky hearts?

After all, we’re not above being deceived…

“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?”

Jeremiah 17:9

For, once upon a time, there was a certain rebel who let some audacious, prideful attitudes rip.

“And he said unto them, ‘I beheld Satan as lightning fall from heaven.’”

Luke 10:18

"But you said in your heart, 'I will ascend to heaven; I will raise my throne above the stars of God, And I will sit on the mount of assembly In the recesses of the north. I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High.'”

Isaiah 14:13-14

And here were the consequences:

"…you will be thrust down to Sheol, To the recesses of the pit.”

Isaiah 14:15

“How you have fallen from heaven, morning star, son of the dawn! You have been cast down to the earth, you who once laid low the nations!”

Isaiah 14:12

“‘Thy terribleness hath deceived thee, and the pride of thine heart, O thou that dwellest in the clefts of the rock, that holdest the height of the hill: though thou shouldest make thy nest as high as the eagle, I will bring thee down from thence,’ saith the LORD.”

Jeremiah 49:16

So, one can argue if we do not embrace God and His perspective, we’re, therefore, embracing this guy’s attitude instead.

 “For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there.”

James 3:16

Are you squirming yet?

You may think I’m being over the top here. But is it really such an astounding leap?

After all, Jesus, Himself, said, “You are either for or against me.” (Matthew 12:30; Luke 11:23).

Addiction, like it or not, has some rather unflattering roots in pride, envy and self- interest, hence the ego. And, many of us have the wreckage to prove it: hurt loved ones, lost careers, jeopardized health, financial and legal issues. The list goes on.

But the soul…

“In whose hand is the soul of every living thing, and the breath of all mankind.”

Job 12:10

 “Truly my soul waiteth upon God: from him cometh my salvation.”

Psalms 62:1

 “For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling.”

Psalms 116:8

 “Wherefore let them that suffer according to the will of God commit the keeping of their souls to him in well doing, as unto a faithful Creator.”

1 Peter 4:19

But there IS, indeed, some good news concerning our souls; God is not us.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.”

Isaiah 55:8-9

So, because of those different perspectives, our thoughts not necessarily being those of God’s, we need to intentionally approach Him with a different response that the rebellious choices which have landed us where we are.

Enter the favorite recovery word, surrender…and its corresponding steps, such as…

1.      We admitted we were powerless over a substance or behavior - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

All of that flies in the face of rebellious ego. But man, does it ever harmonize with soul!

One of my favorite quotes is from C. S. Lewis:

“You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.”

Again, returning to our definition of soul, that of our mind, will and emotions, we are, therefore, challenged to utilize those three components toward, not away from, God. No easy feat. Often, it’s not fun. Let’s just get real about it.

Yet, there is a more fulfilling, healthier path is choosing that direction.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”

Proverbs 3:5-6

There is a question being asked of us. Our response is needed.

Which one do we choose to pursue, especially concerning our recovery?

 Is it the ego? Or is it the soul?

Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse