Take a Deep Breath...

 

See a Need, Or Idiot Compassion?

 

As I have bumped along in life, I have lived by the saying, “See a need; meet a need.”

It sounds kind, sweet, generous, selfless. And maybe it is all of those things… and maybe it something else also.

The equivalent of a “Kick Me sign” bullseye target on the backs of all codependents.

Now, somehow, it elicits an uncomfortable squirm or two, doesn’t it?

Pema Chödrön is an American Buddhist nun who has famously taught on the principle, “idiot compassion.” I happened upon her a few years ago, as I was embarking on the full leg of my intense Narcissistic abuse recovery tour (without the snazzy t-shirts). Had it not been for the onslaught of my abuse, I wouldn’t have discovered her. After all, what did this recovering Lutheran from rural Minnesota have in common with not only a Buddhist nun, but a New Yorker, to boot?

(I can hear my Scandinavian ancestors, crying, “Uff-da).

Anyway, idiot compassion can be regarded as enabling, as giving into an unhealthy person or dynamic, simply because it’s easier to do that than it is to say no, and we cannot bear to see the struggling and the suffering of the situation or the person “going without.”

It is all about short-term pay off instead of delayed gratification or outright refusal of dysfunction.

And, in that light, I started thinking about my phrase, “See a need; meet a need.” Was that just idiotic compassion all along? Was that all there was to it? Not decency? Not love for my fellow man? Not helping? Just me being an idiotic who thinks she’s being helpful, when really, all that is happening is just a chaotic Kumbaya effort on steroids?

Oh, Pema, help a Lutheran codependent OUT here!

Alas, I’m left to wander and sift through my own pasture of perceived needs and discern as to whether or not I should meet them with help… with my help, most specifically.

So, wander I did. I started picking apart what have been some common themes, sparking some necessary questions about their existence in my life.

What is it?

Or, as Shakespeare once said, “Hark, who goes there?”

First thing is first. What is the thing begging for our help? What is the so-called “need?”

Many of us abuse survivors, especially, can get caught up in hypervigilance, seeing danger, threat, and pressing need at every turn. Therefore, we may “hop to” meeting something out there that, according to you, appears to be a need, but maybe is just a want, a request, a question, or a circumstance, needing none of your interaction whatsoever.

My personal case in point?

Recently, I was over at a friend’s home. We were sitting on his couch and his elderly cat was parked on his lap. Out of some Pavlovian habit, I asked if I could get my friend anything, because, you know, he was trapped under his eight- pound cat. Sounds like urgent danger to me.

My friend was not in distress. He was not in danger. There was nothing he needed or wanted. Yet I saw his cat on the lap reality as something that needed tending to, Johnny on the spot.

Never mind the absurdity that I was a guest in his home. He, in the name of hospitality and good manners, would normally be the one inclined to ask me if I needed or wanted anything.

So, for you, what is it? What is the thing set before you?

Did you put it there? Is the need a need?

What does it look like?

The old saying goes, “there is no reality; only perception.”

So, what are we perceiving about a person or a situation?

Are they a doomed, helpless victim? Can they be “shown the light” by us?

We can project and catastrophize a worst-- case scenario onto someone else. Life or death. Dire need.

“See a need; meet a need.”

We see someone in distress, maybe even in peril. Maybe they send us a call for help.

Or maybe we simply volunteer ourselves for their personal rescue. We see a need and try to meet that need. Forget about if someone else is more qualified or better trained. Forget about asking ourselves if we should be doing this in the first place. We swoop in there and determine our intentions and efforts will, indeed, save the day.

Or maybe we do this.

We completely underestimate a situation, failing to heed the red flags. The addiction, the womanizing, the abuse, the theft, aren’t that bad.

We sense something is toxic and unhealthy. Maybe we have taken someone to detox, bailed them out of jail, or been hit by them. But seeing the need, the actual need, for what it is, without flinching, is not something we want to do. It’s too difficult, too painful, too inconvenient to do so.

So, we turn our version of a blind eye and we rationalize that we are helping their need. Maybe we even arrogantly assert that we are the only ones who can help them. We are the superheroes, the undying, unconditional love support person. We can love them into health and healing because, well, we are there on the scene.

Do we see danger?

Or do we simply downplay something that is harmful to us?

The definition of insanity is repeatedly doing the same thing but expecting a different result.

How many times have you encountered this need before?

“A man of great anger must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do so again.”

Proverbs 19:19

Scripture’s take on anger issues can also be interchangeable with anything else deemed dangerous and unhealthy. And those are usually the attention-getting things clawing for our intervention.

I have been in friendships in which rent was always, somehow, past due, there was no food in the house, and their marriages were always on the brink of collapse and/or a felony being committed. High stakes, high drama.

And even though tears were the dominant staple in the sob stories I was confronted by, make no mistake, anger was rife throughout each circumstance. As I came to each dysfunctional rescue, Proverbs 19:19’s “man of great anger” soon showed up. It showed up in the underlying fueled causes for various dysfunctions, like unresolved trauma and unmet need. It showed up in white-hot rage that absolutely refused to learn the lesson, get help, make amends.

Indeed, a one-time rescue with such a person, inevitably, resulted in another trek around the mountain (but with no Sherpa to help bear the baggage).

Centuries’ old scripture and Pema’s well-taught idiot compassion seemed to utter (with a heavy sigh) the same perspective:

“Here we go again. Proceed at your own risk.”

Through these dysfunctional relationships, I learned that my best intentions and heart’s desires were no match for a human being’s free will. People choose. People can choose destruction. People can choose destruction and will not be deterred from that choice, even if it means we get harmed in the process.

Yep, swallow that. It’s a pretty spiky pill.

“See a need; meet a need.”

Oh, really, now? How’s that working out? Are you and I broke, with ruined credit, wrecked health, damaged reputations, and tattered marriages?

Are we the ones now in need, all because we tried to meet an idiot compassion situation, presenting itself to us as a need?

As we, perhaps, dare to answer those questions, desperately dreaming that Pema Chödrön will kiss our foreheads and feed us Rocky Road ice cream, we should probably take a pit stop at a few other questions as well:

What has changed?

What has not?

Why is this situation (this same old situation) before us (again)?

Will tending to this need hurt us?

And, if so, why is that acceptable?

Answering these questions can shed light on the deeper truths to who and why we are in the world. What drives us?

Is being a compassionate idiot soothing to us somehow? What is the payoff we’re getting from being this rescuing idiot?

What need do we think we are meeting and/or healing, by trying to rescue someone who does not want to be rescued?

Are we avoiding our own issues and pain? What are those issues? What IS that pain?

Does acting with idiot compassion give us an inflated sense of purpose, meaning, and identity?

 Indeed, “See a need; meet a need” is not quite an innocent as it appears. The powerful prospect or even the lure of a “need” may mean way more than it should to us. The “need” can assure us with distraction, obliteration, and a sense of self. It can be a respite to dealing with our own problems. It can feed our Savior complex. It can turn the “bad boy or girl” into a “good boy or girl.” It can be the appropriate punishment we think we deserve.

Yeah. Maybe it’s more like, “See their need; meet our need.”

Eww. Not a flattering portrait, is it?

But it is probably the exact portrait we need to gaze upon.

It comes down to motivation. What is it for us? Why do we insist on helping? Who is that for, exactly?

Why do we insist on being the idiot? Aren’t we all smarter than that?

Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse

They want to misunderstand you. Remember that and choose you.

 

I'm not coming

 

Finding yourself...

 

As you are shifting...

 

"One of my biggest mistakes in life”

 

"One of my biggest mistakes in life is thinking people will show me the same love that I've shown them " - Heath Ledger

When I was twelve years old, I entered and won a writing contest for the metro area newspaper.

My winning entry was “What is the one thing necessary for contentment?”

I find it quite humorous to get that insight from a twelve- year- old, but, regardless, I spewed forth my wisdom.

“The one thing that is necessary for contentment is being happy with yourself first and then with others.”

Yeah. I know.

I expounded further wisdom, repeating clichés like, turning my frown upside down, ending self- pity and thinking happy. In addition to those concepts, I was also heavily influenced by the “truth” that if you are nice to someone, they will be nice to you in return.

Uh-huh.

But, I guess, the cynic was still in training.

Perhaps, “cynic” is the wrong word to use here. Maybe “realist” is a better choice of words.

Ah, yes, being realistic! How it can burst the fairytale bubbles we blow in our lives.

But burst we must. People pleasers, like yours truly here, do not enjoy hearing and heeding that approach. We want to just keep working on our own personal world domination plans of getting everyone and their pet ferret to like us, to love us, to approve of us, telling us what our value is.

So, what could possibly go wrong there?

Years later, I’d like to think that I have significantly evolved from this childhood essay. I’d like to think I have a handle on the people pleasing, on the seeking and dependency on external validation. I’d like to think I have the rock- solid self-esteem, unshakable and constant.

(I hear you smirking, by the way).

Yeah, I know. It is just not that simple or that easy.

To paraphrase Ledger’s quote, we ask the following question, constantly, of ourselves…

“Why won’t people show me the same love that I've shown them?”

I have been learning, even with my inner twelve-year-old protesting at the education, that the answers go a little more like this instead.

They Don’t Like You.

Oh, man! The people pleasing, codependent individuals that we are REALLY hate that!

Many of us believe and tightly grip the assertion that each person will like us and be as committed to seeking, developing, and maintaining a relationship with us as we work to accomplish those things with them.

And it doesn’t work that way.

No matter how hard we try to make it so, no matter how much we exhaust ourselves by being and doing what another person finds pleasing, it does not work.

Some people just don’t like us. And nothing can change that. Perhaps, it’s like being Lactose intolerant or hating peanut butter. For some people, it is just a gigantic NO in response to us.

And that’s okay.

We, as people pleasers don’t believe that’s acceptable, but acceptance of this reality is critical.

Last year, I came across a beautiful sentiment:

“Make room for the people who want to love you.”

For each person who says “nope” to us, there is a person, several people, in fact, who DO want to like us, love us, accept us, go bowling with us, etcetera. We need to focus on connecting with those people and leave the “nopers” to their decision about us.

Live and let live, like or dislike.

They Don’t Love You.

How’s that for feeling warm and fuzzy?

In “The Prophecy,” a 1995 film, starring Christopher Walken, one of its characters, Satan Himself, uttered to another character, “I don’t love you.” He was trying to show how mercy, understanding, and love were not innate in him for any person.

And sometimes, that is just how it goes with certain individuals relating to us.

Hard and cold. They don’t love us.

That lack of love can display itself in a myriad of ways: hostility, envy, resentment, neglect, screaming, verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual, and financial abuse. Sometimes, it is an intentional, all-out hit on us. Sometimes, it is thoughtlessness.

Whatever the case may be, a lot of us people pleasers and codependents seem to prioritize, expect, strive for, and believe that love from a person, any person, exists for us, somehow, some way. We just need to do whatever it takes to tap into it. We can assume all the responsibility and burden for being loved, while refusing to accept another person’s free will decision to choose NOT to love us.

Perhaps, because many of us find it inconceivable to be unloving, we project that onto others. And some people are quite hunky- dory about not being loving to us, or to anyone else, for that matter.

I know. We, who are big balls of fuzzy, gooey unicorn love cannot accept or understand that perspective. Why would anyone choose not to love? Why would anyone choose to do that?

Answer: because some people do.

For reasons that are and are not valid.

And, quite frankly, those reasons are none of our business.

Stings, doesn’t it?

And again, while we’re all stung from that reality, let’s examine this next perspective in the love/expectation department.

They Don’t Think About You.

Inconsideration, a lack of loyalty, and carelessness can all run rampant when we encounter other individuals’ reactions to us. Sometimes, we are nowhere to be found in their thoughts.

Years ago, when a family member died, no one contacted me; no one thought to contact me. Why not? I don’t know. But it hurt and angered me.

No common courtesy?

No basic respect?

No love for me, a fellow family member who lost a blood relative?

Nope. At least, there wasn’t strong enough evidence to support those concepts.

And again, I’ll never know the why behind it all. Despite my efforts to communicate, it was not reciprocated.

And sometimes, that is just how it goes.

You and I are just not on their minds. Period.

And it hurts. It’s not fair, It’s not humane, perhaps. It doesn’t feel like the decent thing to do. We wouldn’t do such a thing, we assert.

But different people make different decisions. Sometimes, they are thoughtless. Sometimes, someone else deems us as not worthy of their thought.

Regardless, our inherent value does not change. And yes, we are worthy of good, loving, caring treatment.

That doesn’t mean we will always get it.

It’s Not Personal (But it FEELS Personal).

“It’s Not Personal.” We have all heard that phrase. Sometimes the wound and the slight are unintentional.

Intention may be one thing; impact is quite a different matter though, isn’t it?

There is a theory which states that the opposite of love is not hate; it’s indifference.

And maybe that goes hand in hand with the impersonal.

Let’s face it, fellow codependent, fellow people pleaser, fellow lovey unicorn: things people can often have a much greater, stronger meaning to us than they do concerning us. We can sink a much larger investment into someone when, the entire time, that individual could take or leave us.

They may be under the belief we are just acquaintances. They may choose to not like and respect us even as we have declared our eternal devotion, mowed their lawns, shelled out money, doodled their names with heart symbols in our journals and notepads. We make things personal while the other party doesn’t.

And that other party is perfectly okay with that impersonal touch. They sleep well at night; they don’t include us in their prayers. They don’t have us register as important in our lives.

And that is completely within their free will right to do so. No permission is required. Does that make it feel right? Or fair? Or loving?

No.

But it’s there. An while it is there, WE are still loveable, valuable, wonderful people who deserve good treatment in life.

Nothing can change that. Don’t believe the lie that someone else’s thoughts- or lack thereof- can change our worth.

Reciprocity: Balancing the Scales:

As with most things in life, it comes down to energy. What is invested and spent? On what? On whom?

It’s like continuing with a bad stock that provides diminishing returns. Would you consider that a good investment? Would you keep sinking everything you have in your life, into that stock?

Or would you reconsider and find another stock more suitable to meeting your wants, needs, and expectations?

Reciprocity is a reasonable relationship dynamic. It’s not about keeping score. It is about the evident reality of give and take. Family. Spouses. Life partners. Friends. Co-workers. People that we encounter in this human existence have the ability and the choice to reflect reciprocity. And, if they show themselves to be unable or unwilling to do that for you and me, that informs us with everything we really need to know to lead the life we deserve.

Dare I say it, reciprocity, in my opinion, should be a deal breaker.

We cannot control how others treat us. However, we can control how we treat ourselves.

Let’s stop making the mistake to have that continue to be shabby treatment. We are worth much more than that.

We can generate our own self-respect and self-love. Let’s choose to nurture and feed ourselves, beyond any one person, no matter how important we deem them to be.

We are important enough in our own right!

Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse