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Dear Me...

At the Pleasure of the Savior (A Big Recovery Key)

 

One of my favorite series I catch on Netflix is “The West Wing.” While watching it, I became aware of a standard response regarding the president’s staff: “I serve at the pleasure of the President.” I don’t know if this response really exists or if it was just for dramatic purposes. But I started thinking about the service issue.

When I was thirteen, I served as a waitress for my cousin’s wedding. Thank you. Yes, I’m still recovering. Let’s just say I was not skilled. I tried not to spill food, break plates and grumble. It was not an easy feat. So, I had a negative view of serving.

But, alas, it’s all over the place in Christianity, isn’t it?

“Thou shalt fear the LORD thy God, and serve him, and shalt swear by his name.”

Deuteronomy 6:13

“…what doth the LORD thy God require of thee, but to fear the LORD thy God, to walk in all his ways, and to love him, and to serve the LORD thy God with all thy heart and with all thy soul,”

Deuteronomy 10:12

“If any man serve me, let him follow me; and where I am, there shall also my servant be: if any man serve me, him will my Father honour.”

John 12:26

 “For, brethren, ye have been called unto liberty; only use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another.”

Galatians 5:13

Whew! Yeah. Got it.

Anyway, how do we feel about the serving issue?

“For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he...”

Proverbs 23:7

A lot of us probably have negative associations with the word. We may think of mistreated waitresses, humiliation and irritation. Not exactly the stuff which has people lining up around the block.

Do we, then, challenge our views of the issue? Or do you and I opt out? If we do that, however, do we miss out? Perhaps, that is the better question to ask.

But are we asking it? Or do we ask the question, instead, “what’s in it for me?”

Did Jesus ask that question?

Yeah. Exactly. Feeling sheepish yet?

Scripture tells us we are to follow His lead:

 

“…‘If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.”

Matthew 16:24

 “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

Mark 10:45

And concerning the serving issue? Yeah. That’s quite inclusive.

Years ago, as documented in my book, a large shift in my recovery and spiritual life involved serving. Had it not been for that tremendously blessed opportunity, my book and my relationship with God would not be what they are today. Indeed, however imperfectly the process may be, I first learned the powerful principle of “serving at the pleasure of the Savior.”

“…I had allowed my world to become so small, so isolated... That left little room for anyone to get into my life. But…I had to get used to knowing people and being known by them.

…I’d move step by step, it seemed, finding myself stepping into more foreign territory, more questions. Nowhere was this more evident than with one of the best gifts God has given me: an internship program within the church. Within the program, a small group of people focused on both developing their walk with God and serving the Lord through its volunteer service component…

…With this group of fellow God-seekers, everything was amplified, including that whole ‘God’s family’ thing. And I was in need of learning how to become a part of God’s family.

…And during this time, I had now become busier with other things other than weight and body issues. Disordered eating and image habits often consume and take over every part of life….

But now, my life was being taken up more by God and the things of God. I didn’t have the luxury any longer of obsessing about my looks—or for that matter, any other little thing about myself. I had stuff to do. It seemed to be ringing true, the whole thing about losing your life to save it (Luke 9:23-24). Yes, I was so much happier, so much freer, when it wasn’t solely about me, me, and me…

…Over and over again, I need to remind my performance-based self that it’s not about me…God is showing me that He’s patient—and that there’s still more…”

(Excerpt taken from Cruse’s book, “Thin Enough: My Spiritual Journey Through the Living Death of an Eating Disorder”)

As we deal with our struggles, issues, disorders and addictions, let’s take the time to stop and check out our service to others- and to God, Himself. Is it there at all? Are we helping anyone else?

Service is the antidote to the myopic self-focus, which, sooner or later, causes us problems. God has blessings for us which only come by way of serving. Are we, then, missing out on those blessings?

“Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.”

John 15:15

Do we, indeed, serve at the pleasure of the Savior? It’s worth asking and perhaps, adjusting, isn’t it? After all, we want to be the addressee of this scripture:

“His lord said unto him, ‘Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.’”

Matthew 25:21

Concerning the servant then; let’s be one, in a new and different way. Let’s start today.

“I am thy servant; give me understanding, that I may know thy testimonies.”

Psalms 119:125

Copyright © 2015 by Sheryle Cruse

Shame On You!

 

Featured in the March 2015 issue of Serene Scene Magazine, Cruse discusses the powerful and toxic role shame often plays in addictions, disorders and the subsequent recovery processes concerning them.

http://serenescenemagazine.com/serene%20scene/Serene%20Scene%20March%202015/FLASH/index.html

 

It Takes One To Know One

 

It’s been said “hindsight is twenty-twenty.” It has also been said, “It takes one to know one.”

Unfortunately, for the human animal, we’re often aware of these truths only after they have occurred. We are blissfully ignorant before the experience and in stubborn denial during the experience.

It’s been years into my recovery from eating disorders now and it is in this particular stage where I see the hindsight revelation of the “It takes one to know one” concept repeating in my life.

The first occurrence? Well, that was at the apex of my anorexic condition. I was a college freshman, hell-bent on reinvention; I wanted as much distance from my teenage overweight self as possible. Hence, the serious restriction of calories, interspersed with starvation periods and the accompanying excessive exercise (up to six hours a day). My freshman year, therefore, found me whittling to smaller and smaller weights. To those unfamiliar of my former self, I was only seen as thin and tiny. But, to those who knew me “way back when?” Well, I couldn’t quite convince them everything was fine.

Carrie (not her real name) attended both the same high school and now the same college as I did; she was a year older…and anorexic. And, as I started college, she was keenly interested in my changed appearance. It started out casual at the start of the school year (my weight had not yet drastically plummeted); she remarked about my weight loss. However, by spring, I was at a disturbingly low weight- and that’s when she pounced.

During that term, we took the same world history course and Carrie pulled me aside one day after class. She, once again, remarked about my weight loss. And then she gently revealed she battled with anorexia and expressed concerned that I was veering down the same path.

My response? I felt I was “caught,” but, as eating disorder sufferers are often prone to do in the grips of their disorders, I lied, telling her I was “fine.” No, of course, I was not anorexic. My racing mind simultaneously panicked, reassuring myself with statements like, “Don’t be ridiculous! That kind of thing doesn’t happen to me.” But Carrie read my mail. I knew I had to keep my wits about me, show her how un-rattled I was by her confrontation and get out of there pronto!!

Once I extricated myself from that encounter, I thought I was safe and had fooled everyone.

Nope.

Cut to the middle of that following summer. Because Carrie and I both came from a small town, it wasn’t unheard of for us to run into each other. Both of us were on summer break; both were living at home until the fall term started. And, because there was only one major mall in our small town locale, this was the meeting place of yet another “It takes one to know one” encounter.

I must admit, the store to run into her was a bit odd. Because of my already intense eating disorder behaviors, I tried to occupy my mind with anything I could think of. One of my latest “answers” was crafting. Yes, that’s right, I said crafting. I guess I believed pipe cleaners and cross stitch kits could save me. So, I was a regular at the mall’s hobby store.

I was close to my lowest weight, attempting to keep from passing out, while looking at a dollhouse miniature section, trying to distract my disturbed mind. Carrie appeared out of nowhere. Again, I felt busted. I had lost another ten pounds; I was severely emaciated looking. Carrie started some chitchat, but, c’mon, we both knew the score. Again, she was as gentle as she could be, but eventually, she brought up the dreaded words, “eating disorder.” And I had no where I had to be. I had no class I needed to escape to, nothing pressing to do. I just had to stand there in front of the dollhouse miniatures and be cornered by the truth.

“It takes one to know one” was getting too close to home.

And it wouldn’t be until many years later when I would experience the other side of this phenomenon. After the publication of my book, I had a signing event in Oregon.

A young anorexic woman was eyeing me for the entire four hours the event took place. She kept pacing by the bookstore. But make no mistake, she made it a point to keep her distance. I recognized not only her gaunt frame, but her baggy clothes and darting eyeballs staring at me constantly. Those features had once been mine. There was this weird synergy of “I know you know” going on between us. Finally, after four hours of her pacing, lurking and eyeing me, she rushed the book table, spurting, “I had gone through it, but not the six hour exercise stuff you did.” And then she took off. I think she left skid marks.

Perhaps she wanted to talk, to connect, but was spooked by the discomfort of her reality- and presence of the other people there. But, in that moment, I saw how when we are in any kind of dysfunction or disorder, there’s still a part of us which wants help.

Sometimes, yes, it does “take one to know one.”

Admitting the ugly truth is scary; there’s risk of rejection, pain and discomfort. We risk losing our precious control. We enter the intimidating unknown instead of relying on our comforting and familiar disease. Nevertheless, we need help.

Right now, is there someone out there who is experiencing the exact same thing as we are? It’s worth reaching out. Perhaps, if we approached the adage of, “It takes one to know one” with an outlook of help and healing, instead of as a threat, we’d experience who we truly are supposed to be.

And that, itself, is worth knowing all about!

Disordered eating and image issues can affect anyone, regardless of age, gender or socio-economic factors. Just because someone doesn’t “fit” the stereotype, doesn’t mean they’re not afflicted. It’s not just a “girl thing.” It’s a life-threatening disease and needs treatment. If you suspect someone is suffering, please reach out with love and support. Here are some helpful strategies to do just that.

When You Want to Help Someone You Care About

What to do if…

If your child is younger than 18

Get professional help immediately. You have a legal and moral responsibility to get your child the care s/he needs. Don’t let tears, tantrums, or promises to do better stop you. Begin with a physical exam and psychological evaluation.

If the physician recommends hospitalization, do it. People die from these disorders, and sometimes they need a structured time out to break entrenched patterns.

If the counselor asks you to participate in family sessions, do so. Children spend only a few hours a week with their counselors. The rest of the time they live with their families. You need as many tools as you can get to help your child learn new ways of coping with life.

If your friend is younger than 18

Tell a trusted adult—parent, teacher, coach, pastor, school nurse, school counselor, etc.—about your concern. If you don’t, you may unwittingly help your friend avoid the treatment s/he needs to get better.

Even though it would be hard, consider telling your friend’s parents why you are concerned. S/he may be hiding unhealthy behaviors from them, and they deserve to know so they can arrange help and treatment. If you cannot bear to do this yourself, ask your parents or perhaps the school nurse for help.

If the person is older than 18

Legally the person is now an adult and can refuse treatment if s/he is not ready to change. Nevertheless, reach out. Tell her/him that you are concerned. Be gentle. Suggest that there has to be a better way to deal with life than starving and stuffing. Encourage professional help, but expect resistance and denial. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink—even when he is thirsty—if he is determined to follow his own path.

 

Some Things to Do…

•• Talk to the person when you are calm, not frustrated or emotional. Be kind. The person is probably ashamed and fears criticism and rejection.

•• Mention evidence you have heard or seen that suggests disordered eating. Don’t dwell on appearance or weight. Instead talk about health, relationships (withdrawal?), and mood.

•• Realize that the person will not change until s/he wants to.

•• Provide information. http://www.anred.com

•• Be supportive and caring. Be a good listener and don’t give advice unless you are asked to do so. Even then, be prepared to have it ignored.

•• Continue to suggest professional help. Don’t pester. Don’t give up either.

•• Ask: “Is what you are doing really working to get you what you want?”

•• Talk about the advantages of recovery and a normal life.

•• Agree that recovery is hard, but emphasize that many people have done it.

•• If s/he is frightened to see a counselor, offer to go with her the first time.

•• Realize that recovery is the person’s responsibility, not yours.

•• Resist guilt. Do the best you can and then be gentle with yourself.

 

Some Things Not to Do…

•• Never nag, plead, beg, bribe, threaten, or manipulate. These things don’t work.

•• Avoid power struggles. You will lose.

•• Never criticize or shame. These tactics are cruel, and the person will withdraw.

•• Don’t pry. Respect privacy.

•• Don’t be a food monitor. You will create resentment and distance in the relationship.

•• Don’t try to control. The person will withdraw and ultimately outwit you.

•• Don’t waste time trying to reassure your friend that s/he is not fat. S/he will not be convinced.

•• Don’t get involved in endless conversations about weight, food, and calories. They make matters worse.

•• Don’t give advice unless asked.

•• Don’t expect the person to follow your advice even if s/he asked for it.

•• Don’t say, “You are too thin.” S/he will secretly celebrate.

•• Don’t say, “It’s good you have gained weight.” S/he will lose it.

•• Don’t let the person always decide when, what, and where you will eat. She should not control everything, every time.

•• Don’t ignore stolen food and evidence of purging. Insist on responsibility.

•• Don’t overestimate what you can accomplish.

 

ANRED: When You Want to Help Someone You Care About. <http://www.anred.com/hlp.html>. Used with permission.

 

Copyright © 2015 by Sheryle Cruse

 

 

Do Not Compare...

“A sound heart is the life of the flesh: but envy the rottenness of the bones.”

Proverbs 14:30  

Again, I muse at the famous image of Sophia Loren and Jane Mansfield, seated together at some Hollywood event.

 It captures the comparing issue. Sophia Loren’s eyes look off to the side, staring at Jayne Mansfield’s cleavage. Here they are- two beautiful women. Yet there still seems to be a “fairest one of them all” competition in place.

See yourself here? What do you and I use as a measuring stick? For those of us with disordered eating and negative body image issues, it hinges upon a specific definition, usually a thin one, of beauty.

It certainly did for me. Four very specific words, in fact: “Cute, pretty, beautiful and small.”

As a little girl, my mother and I had a rating system for females, focusing on those exact words. I suppose it could be viewed as a four star system; cute was a one and small (a/k/a, thin) was the highest four start assessment.

It was not uncommon for the two of us to focus on a friend, a classmate, a teacher or a celebrity and decide where she fell under the “Cute, pretty, beautiful and small” system. Great mother/daughter bonding, huh?

And it wasn’t just a judge-y sport, it also underscored a dominant rule which eventually sparked my full-blown eating disorder behaviors: anorexia, bulimia, binge eating and, of course, constant self-loathing.

“...They were now competition for me. If I could be thinner than these women, then I’d be better than they were as well.

                Ah, at long last, control over something in my life. I couldn’t control who loved me or what was going on in my family, but I could control this! I could control my body! And soon this control did turn into something I’d hungered for, craved my entire life: power, power in the beauty, the newfound thin beauty I was discovering...I was the Sheryle I always thought I wanted to be.

                Competition grew between me and any thin girl or woman. Mirror, mirror: I had to be the thinnest one of them all. It was life or death importance, anything less than that was unacceptable. Gaining any weight, whatsoever, meant failure, simple as that.

                So, to keep going on my quest for perfection, a thin body deserving of love and approval, I increased the amount of exercise and decreased what I ate... It still wasn’t good enough...

...What I didn’t realize at the time was that my eyes and mind were incapable of seeing anything but a distorted image...”

(Excerpt from “Thin Enough: My Spiritual Journey Through the Living Death Of An Eating Disorder”)

Try as I might, no matter what I did, I could never perfectly attain that fuzzy four star rating. And so, what was I? Answer: an ugly failure.

Envy and coveting are both spiritual issues; we’re warned about the risky behavior:

“But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing.”
James 3: 14-16

I reference the film, “The Silence of the Lambs.” In the movie, a serial killer has taken to murdering women and wearing their skins because he, himself, wanted to be a woman. And so, the FBI agent on the case reluctantly enlists the help of convicted prisoner and cannibal, Hannibal Lector. In a discussion with the FBI agent, the Lector character brings up the issue of coveting, stating, “we covet what we see.”

Now you and I probably wouldn’t consider ourselves to be serial killer evil, but are there things we covet in our lives? What-who- where are they? Is it an obsession with beauty and being thin? What about money? Fame? Power? Achievement? Career? Family? Do you want something you see someone else has?

What are you and I eyeing? Why aren’t we enough?

It’s because we see ourselves in the wrong way; we don’t see what God sees.

Someone else’s stuff does not detract from who you are. You are not “less than.”

Still need God’s beauty/value rating system? Check out The Song of Solomon:

1:15: “Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves' eyes.”

2:14: “O my dove…let me see your form…for your form is lovely.” 

4:1: “Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves' eyes...”

4:7: “Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee.”

6:4: “Thou art beautiful, O my love...”

7:10: “I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me.”

This is who you are- right now. No need for coveting, insecurity, pettiness or low self-esteem. We don’t need to compare and believe we’re “less than,” in the presence of someone we believe to be “more than.”

We are ALL This!

“...I am fearfully and wonderfully made…”

Psalm 139:14

Copyright © 2015 by Sheryle Cruse