Thursday, May 16, 2019
Blame or Stewardship?
“Blame holds us back.
Responsibility moves us forward. Constant self-blame is just as irresponsible
as insisting that others are always to blame.”
Thom Rutledge
For those of
us struggling with addiction and disorder, it is not too long before we
encounter blame. It is an insidious creature; it is virtually impossible to
escape.
Since our
addictive natures are usually heavily intertwined with other complicated life
issues, like abuse and trauma, blame often surfaces as a coping device, used to
enable us to simply function in our lives. Survival is as far as we can go;
healthy flourishing appears to be an out of reach luxury.
Rutledge’s
quote is a “no brainer,” at least, to our logical minds. It’s that emotional
world, however, which trips us up and prevents us from facing, addressing and
handling blame within our addictive reality, in a healthy manner.
I know this
is a large chunk of the recovery work I, myself, do. And honestly, the jury’s
still out on how well I am doing with it all. Objectivity is quite difficult to
achieve.
But, a key
factor which helps in my recovery process is that of Stewardship.
“Moreover, it is required of stewards that they be found
trustworthy.”
I believe we
cannot even hope to attain any rung on the recovery ladder if we don’t, at
least, acknowledge that blame is in the room, no matter how subtle or obvious
it may be.
“One who is faithful in a very little is also faithful in
much, and one who is dishonest in a very little is also dishonest in much.”
No one is
unscathed by it. It’s been there from the start. Check out the Creation Story
in Genesis
just to see its origins for humanity.
And, before
we get too caught up in despair and discouraging feelings about blame, telling
ourselves, “it’s too difficult; it cannot be done,” the challenge invites us to
keep an open mind about the stewardship principle, what it is... and is not.
According to
the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, Stewardship is defined as...
“the conducting,
supervising, or managing of something; especially the
careful and responsible management of something entrusted to one's care”
Again,
before we get too overwhelmed, we need to recognize the absence of one
particular word in that definition: perfection.
And that has
been a guiding and healing recovery revelation for me: stewardship is not perfection.
That’s an
important thing to remember in this addiction/recovery reality. In our human,
imperfect experience, there is no such thing as perfectly healed.
“The heart knoweth his own bitterness; and a
stranger doth not intermeddle with his joy.”
Proverbs 14:10
Another
recovery adage I have come across as I bump along in life is this: “Hurt people hurt people.” And, of course, the emphasis here, in any recovery domain,
is the necessity of forgiveness. It’s the other side of the blame coin.
We’re told
over and over we cannot move forward or begin to heal if we refuse to forgive.
And that includes the forgiving ourselves.
And so, the
statement, “Hurt people hurt people” becomes the self-inflicted
wound all too easily.
I know I may
be taken to task here for being too self-indulgent when I say, for that reason
alone, our choice to value better stewardship of the blame issue is to our
individual advantage.
“Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as
wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.”
We need to
get downright mercenary with our stance on it. We need to take that approach
because it is, indeed, the most personal.
Everyone
else aside, recovery and blame issues ultimately reside solely within each of
us. And, no matter how we may try, we still cannot escape ourselves.
And, one
more thing concerning stewardship as a treatment to the addiction/blame factor:
it is the opportunity for us to use our gifts.
“And he who had
received the five talents came forward, bringing five talents more, saying,
‘Master, you delivered to me five talents; here I have made five talents more.’
His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been
faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your
master.’”
I know it may be an
extreme stretch here, but if we view our addiction struggles through the filter
of being gifted with talents, the stewardship principle takes on an even more personal
and meaningful tone. Our recovery is, in fact, the significant soul work we
need to do to better ourselves- and others.
Maybe we can even see
the resemblance to our Savior’s Gethsemane moment. No, we wouldn’t choose this
pain for ourselves; likewise, our Savior, Himself, even tried to bargain
against HIS purpose.
“Going a little
farther, he fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass
from him. ‘Abba Father,’ he said, ‘everything is possible
for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.’”
Mark 14:36
Nevertheless, we have
the lives and the struggles we have. So, the question remains: what are we
going to do about that?
The Most High never
placed any limits on the promise of 2
Corinthians 3:18:
“But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the
glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to
glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.”
A transformation
process is in effect.
We are different today
than we were yesterday.
And tomorrow, we be
different than today.
Blame- of anyone,
including ourselves, curtails the full potential of our glory transformation
process. Blame does not benefit us. Yes, pain happened to us; injustice
happened to us. And it terrible and agonizing. But it is not unique.
“…time and chance happeneth to them all.”
Ecclesiastes 9:1
So, if we can challenge
our thinking about the blame issue, taking on stewardship concerning even it, perhaps,
we can view it as part of the deeper spiritual work which has been entrusted to
us.
That’s right, I said
entrusted.
Addiction- pain- blame-
the stewardship principle itself- ALL entrusted to you and I right now.
What are we going to do
with that?
Copyright © 2019 by
Sheryle Cruse
Know the Difference
“Know the difference between those
who stay to feed the soil and those who come to grab the fruit.”
This
sobering statement recently came to my attention. I don’t know who originally
said it, but it resonates, all the same.
It has personally
factored in heavily as I have learned, firsthand, who was a part of my healthy
support system...and who was NOT.
Indeed, this
concept plays a MAJOR role for each of us as we navigate our addiction/recovery
journeys. It is usually not too long in life, before we encounter the all too
common cliché dysfunction of co-dependency, narcissism and/or exploitation.
To protect
the “guilty,” the parties I mention shall remain nameless. Nevertheless, their
actions reveal much.
“When people show you who they are,
believe them.”
Dr. Maya Angelou
Long story
short: much of my experience involves me only hearing from certain people when
they want something from me. And yes, the majority of that “something” is
money.
Nothing
brings this more into view than the context of family.
As I have
addressed before, I don’t have a close relationship with most of my relatives.
That is not, ideally, what I would want. However, experience has shown me how
high I exist on various family members’ priority lists. Often, I’m not even ON
those lists in the first place. I know this because there have been decades of time which have passed since
I have last seen or spoken to certain relatives. That is even with social
media’s prevalence. Come on, now. In today’s world, it’s not THAT difficult to
“reconnect” if you truly desire to do so.
Yet, I have
absolutely NO family members as my Facebook friends.
So, from
that, I glean relationship with me is just not that important to them.
And yes, I
understand life is busy. Marriage, family, career and health challenges are
keeping us occupied. We are ALL inundated with the stuff of life.
But that
does not jive with the next phase of my family interaction pattern.
With years,
sometimes, decades, passing and no communication, let alone, no exchanging of
contact information present, it’s a little strange then, when “out of the blue,”
my phone rings. The initial “pleasantries” attempt to spill from my particular
relative’s mouth for the first few seconds.
And then,
here it comes: the question, the financial, and/or the “can-you-help-me-out-here-and-now”
question.
It would be
one thing if it was the emergency phone call, life or death. But it is not.
I’ve learned (the hard way), upon granting a request, I cease to hear from that
person again... until the next time, that is.
“...In the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word
be established.”
Matthew 18:16; 2 Corinthians 13:1
Lather.
Rinse. Repeat.
My phone
rings again. “Can-you-help-me-out-here-and-now?”
Suddenly, I
am important to them... again.
An old
saying usually springs to my mind here: “Use
things and love people, not the other way around.”
(I wonder if
any of my family have ever heard that statement).
Regardless
of whether or not they have, the important distinction here is I HAVE.
And, because
I have, it is imperative I check the fruit.
“You will know them by their fruit.”
Matthew 7:16
If I come to
the same rescue here, will I have to come to the same rescue again?
The answer’s
not too difficult to reach.
Therefore,
within the last seven years, I’ve become best buddies with the word, “No.” I have
had to.
And, it
shouldn’t be too surprising the reaction I got when I introduced this best
buddy TO my asking family.
Expletives
were hurled; I was called a quite common, unflattering name used against many a
female.
And I didn’t hear from that person again.
In that extreme, unpleasant moment, I learned with acute clarity, how to “know the difference.”
I have heard it said you know who a person truly is when they hear- and respond to- your no. Judging the reaction of my relative here, there was no respect for any answer that was not what he wanted to hear.
Nothing new under the sun about that: human nature.
However, an unexpected, surprising wrinkle developed after this incident. And this crossed from family...to clergy.
Upset by this abusive phone call, at the time, I contacted a pastor for counsel. On staff for years at a church I attended, he seemed to be a committed shepherd. Therefore, I sought his help. I hoped to receive prayer, wisdom and advice.
So, it felt like a FURTHER slap in the face when he bluntly responded to my request with, “This is not my area.”
“...‘Am I my brother’s keeper?’”
Genesis 4:9
What? Are you not a pastor, a shepherd, purposed to help the flock?
I walked away from that encounter, feeling like I was discarded. I could not even present my case. I was shut down. I was dismissed.
Why am I mentioning this? Because, it leads to the next “know the difference” phase of an education I received, albeit, this time, from the Church.
For, a short time later, low and behold, I hear from this same pastor. And He has a question: will I contribute financially to his church project?
Before the necessary advent of his particular project, I was invisible. Even while reaching out for his help, I was invisible.
But now, that he needs something from ME, I shoot to the TOP of HIS list?
I know I come across as a sheep who has, very much, her wooly axe to grind. But this underscores a troubling, yet, too real and common issue, even affecting those of us who need, in any way, help/recovery.
Certain people, including, unfortunately, certain family members, pastors and even churches themselves, are not to be counted on as part of healthy support network.
In an ideal world, yes, they would all be there unconditionally.
But is this world ideal? No.
So, the discernment NEEDS to kick in.
Basic questions need to be asked as we build our recovering lives.
Will this party commit to being there for me? What does that look like for me? What does that look like for him/her?
Is this person participating in healthy or unhealthy behaviors and choices?
Is this person good TO me?
Is this person good FOR me?
Does this persona have my best interest at heart?
Does this person have his/her own agenda? Are there ulterior motives for his/her presence in my life?
Is this relationship a one or a two-way street? Is reciprocity here?
Again...
“Know the difference between those
who stay to feed the soil and those who come to grab the fruit.”
There is no shame in needing help, asking for help, expecting a relationship to be mutually beneficial.
Sadly, that
is often not what we experience, even as we are at are most vulnerable. We must
not sacrifice our recovery for any other entity. This becomes challenging as we
are confronted with “should expectations” from this entity. Yes, in example, family
expects things of us; Church expects things of us.
But really,
the hard question posits, “Are these expected things healthy for me, supporting
my recovery?”
Is our soil fed
or depleted?
Is our fruit
respected or trampled?
Know the
difference. Discern. Test the spirits (1
John 4:1).
This,
sometimes, can be the biggest spiritual work we do in our recovery.
Copyright © 2019 by Sheryle Cruse
Wednesday, May 15, 2019
Pins and Needles
Our formative
years present the potential for self-harm to thrive. Our early experiences, for
better or worse, shape us. And sometimes, that shaping can take the form of
addiction. Hypervigilance often results from certain
incidents, in which trauma somehow established our need to self-medicate.
“... When a child grows up afraid or under
constant or extreme stress, the immune system and body’s stress response
systems may not develop normally. Later on, when the child or adult is exposed
to even ordinary levels of stress, these systems may automatically respond as
if the individual is under extreme stress... Adults with histories of trauma in
childhood have been shown to have more chronic physical conditions and
problems. They may engage in risky behaviors that compound these conditions
(e.g., smoking, substance use, and diet and exercise habits that lead to
obesity).”*
My
first memory, a traumatic one at that, was when I was three years old; my
parents decided to move the family’s sewing machine from one floor of our house
to another. But they neglected to remove its drawers, filled with hundreds of
needles and pins. Inevitably, I toddled downstairs, stepping on many of them.
What
was my next memory? I was on the
floor, screaming, while my irritated dad used his pliers to pull out each
needle and pin from my feet.
I
learned, wrongly so, two main things in that incident: 1) I was “too much
trouble,” destined only for pain and 2) I deserved this pain because I was a
bad girl. And these theories were further confirmed by the constant abusive
tension within my home. Pain and fear were two things which could not be voiced
nor soothed.
“Children who have experienced complex trauma...
often internalize and/or externalize stress reactions and as a result may
experience significant depression, anxiety, or anger... even mildly stressful
interactions with others may serve as trauma reminders and trigger intense emotional
responses. Having learned that the world is a dangerous place where even
loved ones can’t be trusted to protect you, children are often vigilant and
guarded in their interactions with others and are more likely to perceive
situations as stressful or dangerous...”*
So,
the coping mechanisms of consumer addiction, emerged in by both my mother and
me. Disordered food, body and weight issues were just the tip of the unhealthy
iceberg. “Consuming” represented the Savior to us: bingeing on comfort food,
shopping, applying any external resource to our pain and fear.
Still,
no matter how much- or what- I consumed, I believed the harmful lie: I was bad,
I was wrong, I was to blame. The best I could hope for was to attempt to self-soothe
and create my own version of “something to look forward to.” Addiction promised
to make me feel happy, loved and safe. No one and nothing else would or could.
“The heart knoweth his own
bitterness; and a stranger doth not intermeddle with his joy.”
Proverbs 14:10
How
about you? What formative experience traumatized you, even to the point of
pursuing an addiction as the healing balm?
Was
it abuse?
Was
it the loss of a loved one?
Was
it divorce?
Was
it poverty or homelessness?
These
are just a few possible “reasons” why we drink, smoke, inject, eat, gamble,
shop, overachieve and have unhealthy relationships with unsafe people. For most
of us, there exists at least one critical moment which altered us. It changed
our view of self, others and even The Most High.
Each
of us has learned wrong spiritual things; we get it wrong. We get it wrong
because we know, only too well, our own painful experiences.
“The heart knoweth his own
bitterness; and a stranger doth not intermeddle with his joy.”
Proverbs 14:10
But,
we also have the capacity to know something else as well. We have help.
“Elohim is our refuge and strength, a very present help in
trouble.”
Psalms 46:1
Jeremiah
is often referred to as “the weeping prophet;” he is well-acquainted with humanity’s
tendencies toward destructive choices.
But,
even in that bleak realization, Jeremiah still asserts the presence of hope,
even in the hopelessness...
There
exists a familiar statement about adversity: “The only way out is through.”
That
means we have to acknowledge and experience the scary thing we fear most.
We
have to “go there.”
None
of it is easy; none of it is fun. It’s much more appealing to just turn to our
elixir. Let the drugs, alcohol, food, behavior or relationship erase the pain
and ugliness instead of dealing with our most personal damage.
The
trauma, perhaps, happened in a second, a one-time event. Or maybe it’s been a
reoccurring, deeply enmeshed pattern still active in our lives now. Regardless,
there is no shame in admitting we are affected. It doesn’t make us spiritually
defective, morally bankrupt or “bad people.” It makes us vulnerable human
beings.
And
vulnerable is not necessarily the same thing as “sinful.” Vulnerable is about
being fragile dust in the sandstorm called life. And our Creator is not caught
off guard by that reality.
“For He knoweth our frame; He remembereth that we are dust.”
Psalms 103:14
What
wounded you? What paralyzed you? What changed you?
Whatever
the alteration has been, you and I are loved, accepted and deemed valuable by
The Most High.
And
whatever we have for experiences, He is not intimidated by any of it.
“Behold, I am... Is there anything too hard for Me?”
Jeremiah 32:27
No
exceptions whatsoever.
*“Effects of Complex Trauma,” http://www.nctsn.org/trauma-types/complex-trauma/effects-of-complex-trauma
Copyright © 2019 by Sheryle Cruse
Later
I have a friend who insists on never saying “goodbye.”
Instead, she utters, “Later” at the end of our conversations.
This word started me thinking. And the first thing which
popped up was another word, procrastination. Its definition being...
“... the avoidance of doing a task which needs to
be accomplished. It is the practice of doing more pleasurable things in place
of less pleasurable ones, or carrying out less urgent tasks instead of more
urgent ones, thus putting off impending tasks to a later time. Sometimes,
procrastination takes place until the "last minute" before a deadline.”
Let’s get real; procrastination is never far removed from
addiction. By its very nature, our addictive tendencies whisper such constant
lies as “I’ll quit tomorrow,” “I’ll stop when I’m ready,” and “I’ll make things
right LATER.”
“Withhold not good from them to whom it is due, when it is in
the power of thine hand to do it.”
Proverbs 3:27
You’ve said it; I’ve said it. Perhaps, we delude ourselves
with Little Orphan Annie’s musical perspective, “The sun will come out
tomorrow.” There is such promise and hope then and there.
But what about now? What about today?
“Start where you are,
use what you have, do what you can.”
Arthur Ashe
Those of us who struggle with addiction, compulsion and
disorder often have an unrealistic perfectionism which thrives on
procrastination. When things are “just right,” when this or that circumstance
changes, THEN we’ll get sober.
The hidden message in those theories is this: “But for now,
I’m going for my addiction. I’m going to binge, get drunk, overdo it and live
it up like there’s no tomorrow.”
And so, not surprisingly, nothing changes. There’s no
sobriety, no different or healthier choice. There is only more of the same.
Still, this doesn’t absolve us from reality:
“For he saith, ‘...behold,
now is the accepted time;
behold, now is the day of
salvation.’”
2 Corinthians 6:2
Scripture
covers not just our eternal soul destination, but also a blueprint for how to
live in the here and now. The Most High is not a Deity Who operates in
procrastination (1 Corinthians 14:33).
And we are made in His Image (Genesis 1:27).
Therefore, we are not let off the hook concerning our innate
spirituality.
“... ‘Far be it from us that we should forsake the LORD to
serve other gods.’”
Joshua 24:16
To attempt to wriggle free of responsibility is to come from
a place of excuse, negligence and even agreement with the Adversary to us all.
“How art thou
fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! How art thou cut down to the
ground, which didst weaken the nations!”
Isaiah 14:12 -
Isaiah 14:12 -
Sound too extreme and far-fetched?
Well, if we are refusing to deal with our faith, our health
and our issues, aren’t we, in essence, asserting how we know BETTER than The
Almighty?
“But you said in your heart, 'I will ascend to heaven; I will
raise my throne above the stars of God. And I will sit on the mount of assembly
In the recesses of the north. I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I
will be like the most High.’”
Isaiah 14:13-14
Wherever we are on this spiritual spectrum, we cannot avoid
or forfeit choice.
“... choose you this day whom ye will serve...”
Joshua 24:15
We possess free will. However, what we do not possess is the
opting out of the free will choice’s consequences.
“‘Nevertheless you will be thrust
down to Sheol, To the recesses of the pit.’”
Isaiah 14:15
Now, at first glance, Isaiah 14 may appear to be too
strong of a consequence. Surely, we wouldn’t be punished the same as the devil,
right?
Well, if we’re lining up in agreement with Satan, who is to
say we wouldn’t be responsible for a harmful downfall?
“Ye are of your
father the devil, and the lusts of your father ye will do. He was a murderer
from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in
him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the
father of it.”
John 8:44
John 8:44
Is not addiction, with its procrastination, a murderer?
Is not addiction, with its procrastination, rife with deceit?
Is not addiction, with its procrastination, choosing its way
instead of Elohim’s as “the final say?”
Again, no one escapes choice. No one is excused from facing
procrastination.
But it’s not hopeless. For we underestimate the power of
today. We underestimate the power of NOW.
The Most High will work with whatever we commit TO Him:
“Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust
also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.”
Psalms 37:5
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not on
your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct
your paths.”
Proverbs 3:5-6
Don’t you think that would also include the procrastination
issue, even in the middle of our addictions?
There is power is STARTING.
What baby step can be taken right now? What decision? What
can be accomplished NOW?
“‘...now is
the accepted time; behold, now is
the day of salvation.’”
2 Corinthians 6:2
Speaking of the word, “Now,” one more thing.
Years ago, The Most High spoke to me, telling me to observe
the word... BACKWARDS. When I saw what “NOW” spelled, it lit faith and
assurance regarding my momentary reality.
“NOW” spelled backwards is “WON.”
“O sing unto the LORD a new song; for he hath done marvelous
things: his right hand, and his holy arm, hath gotten him the victory.”
Psalms 98:1
What is on the other side of our addictions, our beliefs and our
responses concerning them?
What is on the other side of our procrastination?
Will we experience those blessings now... or later?
Copyright © 2019 by Sheryle Cruse
Monday, May 13, 2019
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