(Excerpt from "Thin Enough: My Spiritual Journey Through the Living Death Of an Eating Disorder)
"...One of the main realizations I gained about my father through therapy
was that he was a person too. He wasn’t my enemy, a villain, or a monster. He
was a man. My father was 49 years old when I was born, and fatherhood, I’m
sure, was an unexpected new role for him. Having never been parented in a
nurturing home himself, he wasn’t equipped to give me that atmosphere of
unconditional support and love. As I pondered this, I decided to go through
some photographs. My dad, reclusive in nature, is pretty camera-shy and there
aren’t a lot of pictures of him. But there is one rare one of him as a child no
more than six years old. He’s sitting on some farm equipment, next to one of
his brothers. As I looked at this picture, it hit me: My dad was once a child.
As
I stared at this image, at this little boy with the mop head of bangs, wearing
overalls and no shoes, I couldn’t hate him. I couldn’t hate a little boy; I
couldn’t hate a child. I couldn’t hate God’s child. Instead, I found myself
wanting to connect with him somehow. I was nowhere near direct communication. I
hadn’t spoken to him or seen him in years. But I wanted to touch him; I wanted
to reach him somehow. The only way I knew how to physically touch him was to
draw him. I drew the little boy.
It sounds simple, but
it did help. It didn’t matter what hurtful things he’s said to me some fifty
years after that photo was taken. He was a little boy “subject” now, and I
could choose to draw him any way I decided. After drawing him as this innocent
little boy, I didn’t want to return to the way I’d drawn him before. Hating
someone and refusing to forgive them
takes a lot of energy. I was tired, and I didn’t want to do it anymore.
I
had a revelation about forgiveness. For my entire life, I’d viewed forgiveness
as something that denied the occurrence of a wrong. He hurt me, and I didn’t
want anyone, especially him, telling me otherwise. But forgiveness, I was
finding out, wasn’t denying a wrong. It was just adding God’s healing power to
that wrong. And I needed forgiveness just as much as my father did.
“And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone,
forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.”
—Jesus in Mark 11:25
2 Corinthians 6:18:
“And will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be my sons and daughters,
saith the Lord Almighty”
“…You received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, ‘Abba,
Father.’”
—Romans 8:15
... Please, wherever you are, whatever
hell you may be going through, know this: God is more loving, more powerful
than your problem is, and He will get you past it. Just trust Him, turn to Him.
Just trust Jesus to be you Savior and Lord. And just watch. You too, little
girl, will arise!"
Copyright © 2014 by Sheryle Cruse
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