“For what I am doing, I do not understand...”
The Apostle Paul in Romans 7:15
I once came
across a picture of a female exercising. And the image had her toned physique
further dwarfed by a larger body outline. The caption read as follows:
“Everyone starts somewhere.”
It makes me
uneasy as I cringe about my subtle disordered approach to exercise, an approach
which set me up for anorexia, bulimia and horrible self-loathing. My experience
with disorder did not happen overnight.
As a heavy
child, unskilled and awkward with physical education classes, I did not have a
healthy view of exercise. Most of my memories are that of being bullied, teased
and failing at any sport. I was regularly picked last for teams. And, because
of my overweight nature, I was physically uncomfortable with running or doing anything
strenuous. Nothing about exercise felt good to me.
The negative
experiences and the negative identity I had gained in school labeled me as “the
fat kid.”
I had a choice to make. Which pain do I
endure: physical discomfort or the unflattering distinction of being that fat
kid?
With the
prospect of college on the horizon, complete with its promise of reinvention,
the answer was clear. So, the months leading up to my freshman year of college
had me employing regular exercise sessions, along with a lower calorie diet, all
with the focus of losing as much weight as possible. Between my stationary bike
and a mini trampoline, my regimen became more solidified.
At first,
these sessions were twenty minutes…then thirty. A month before college started,
I upped my activity to an hour a day.
And, like
the image of the “everyone starts somewhere” female, my larger frame started
disappearing. This was uncharted territory for me. After a childhood of countless
failed diet and exercise attempts, now, it was finally working! I was
succeeding! And that motivated me, ever hungry for better, thinner results; I
kept adding to, tweaking and lengthening my exercise routine.
To my bike
and trampoline, I added weight training and sit ups. As my freshman year of
college was in full gear, I started getting up extra early, so I could get in
my two hour workouts before my classes. As I did this, the scale reading, my
waistline and my frame, in general, all started decreasing. I was exhilarated!
And this was further underscored by the positive attention I was receiving.
Guys were flirting with me. People called me names like “tiny,” “cute,”
“pretty” and, of course, “thin.” I could fit into smaller clothes. I was treated
better. Therefore, I didn’t need any convincing whatsoever to continue. If
results were this great so far, why
stop now?
So, I
didn’t. No matter what the scale said, my goal was always five or ten pounds
lower than that. I’d never had this thin experience. I wanted to get as far as
I could with it.
By
mid-freshman year, two hours a day gave way to three…then three and a half…
then four. I was getting up earlier and earlier each morning, all to ensure I
was afforded enough time to keep my routine intact.
Sit ups,
originally at one hundred a session, likewise, turned into two hundred…then
three hundred… then four hundred. By years end, I was up to one thousand; when
I was at my lowest point, prior to the start of my sophomore year, that total increased to over two
thousand each day.
Part of the
reason why I squirm at this “everyone starts somewhere” female image is because
of the insidious, ever gradual diseased process disorder often takes. No one
really goes into something thinking they want pain and chaos. But, blinded by
personal fears, goals and dreams, often a healthy pursuit, indeed, becomes
anything but that picture of health.
“For bodily exercise profits
little...”
1 Timothy 4:8
I’m not
against exercise; I continue to exercise to this day. But my attitudes and
routines have changed. They had to. At the highest point of my over-exercising,
I was regularly blacking out. I was weak, had a throbbing, irregular heartbeat
and wondered, on many occasions, when exactly I would be found dead by my
mother or my roommates. And that is not healthy by any means.
“For God is not a God of disorder but of
peace…”
1 Corinthians
14:33
Over-exercise, indeed, can be a hallmark of
disordered eating, body and image issues. Often, individuals undergoing major
life changes, like attending college, getting married or having a child can get
exercise started for one reason, like to reinvent oneself or lose the baby
weight. However, if not careful, all too quickly, obsessions take on another,
more monstrous life. And this monster has more harmful reasons for continuing
the disorder: to be perfect, to be worthwhile, to escape pain and even, sad to
say, to end one’s life.
“There is a way that
seems right to a man. But its end is
the way of death.”
Proverbs
14:12
For all of the beginnings of my own “everyone starts somewhere” journey,
what it eventually culminated into was my death wish, via a passive suicide
attempt. I hoped, morning after morning, I would not wake up.
“Everyone
starts somewhere.” It is a true statement, about a myriad of things, exercise
included.
Again, the
caution is to know when something has gotten out of our control. It can happen
to any of us: young, old, male, female, from every walk of life. Can you see yourself
in this checklist provided below?
Signs of Compulsive
Exercise
If you are concerned about your own
exercise habits or a friend's, ask yourself the following questions. Do you:
force yourself to exercise, even if you don't feel well?
prefer to exercise rather than being with friends?
become very upset if you miss a workout?
base the amount you exercise on how much you eat?
have trouble sitting still because you think you're not
burning calories?
worry that you'll gain weight if you skip exercising for a
day?
If the answer to any of these questions
is yes, you or your friend may have a problem. What should you do?
How to Get Help
The first thing you should do if you
suspect that you are a compulsive exerciser is get help. Talk to your parents,
doctor, a teacher or counselor, a coach, or another trusted adult. Compulsive
exercise, especially when it is combined with an eating disorder, can cause
serious and permanent health problems, and in extreme cases, death.
Because compulsive exercise is closely
related to eating disorders, help can be found at community agencies
specifically set up to deal with anorexia, bulimia, and other eating problems.
Your school's health or physical education department may also have support
programs and nutrition advice available. Ask your teacher, coach, or counselor
to recommend local organizations that may be able to help.
You should also schedule a checkup with
a doctor. Because our bodies go through so many important developments during
the teen years, guys and girls who have compulsive exercise problems need to
see a doctor to make sure they are developing normally. This is especially true
if the person also has an eating disorder. Female athlete triad, a condition that
affects girls who over-exercise and restrict their eating because of their
sports, can cause a girl to stop having her period. Medical help is necessary
to resolve the physical problems associated with over-exercising before they
cause long-term damage to the body.
“Everyone
starts somewhere.” Challenge the statement to include total health, not just
weight loss.
“Beloved, I wish above all things
that you may prosper and be in health, even as your soul prospers.”
3 John 1:2
Challenge yourself and ask, “Where am I? Is it
a place I truly wish to be?”
Copyright © 2016 by
Sheryle Cruse
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