Our formative
years present the potential for self-harm to thrive. Our early experiences, for
better or worse, shape us. And sometimes, that shaping can take the form of
addiction. Hypervigilance often results from certain
incidents, in which trauma somehow established our need to self-medicate.
“... When a child grows up afraid or under
constant or extreme stress, the immune system and body’s stress response
systems may not develop normally. Later on, when the child or adult is exposed
to even ordinary levels of stress, these systems may automatically respond as
if the individual is under extreme stress... Adults with histories of trauma in
childhood have been shown to have more chronic physical conditions and problems.
They may engage in risky behaviors that compound these conditions
(e.g., smoking, substance use, and diet and exercise habits that lead to
obesity).”*
My
first memory, a traumatic one at that, was when I was three years old; my
parents decided to move the family’s sewing machine from one floor of our house
to another. But they neglected to remove its drawers, filled with hundreds of
needles and pins. Inevitably, I toddled downstairs, stepping on many of them.
What
was my next memory? I was on the
floor, screaming, while my irritated dad used his pliers to pull out each
needle and pin from my feet.
I
learned, wrongly so, two main things in that incident: 1) I was “too much
trouble,” destined only for pain and 2) I deserved this pain because I was a
bad girl. And these theories were further confirmed by the constant abusive
tension within my home. Pain and fear were two things which could not be voiced
nor soothed.
“Children who have experienced complex trauma...
often internalize and/or externalize stress reactions and as a result may
experience significant depression, anxiety, or anger... even mildly stressful
interactions with others may serve as trauma reminders and trigger intense
emotional responses. Having learned that the world is a dangerous place
where even loved ones can’t be trusted to protect you, children are often
vigilant and guarded in their interactions with others and are more likely to
perceive situations as stressful or dangerous...”*
So,
the coping mechanisms of consumer addiction, emerged in by both my mother and
me. Disordered food, body and weight issues were just the tip of the unhealthy
iceberg. “Consuming” represented the Savior to us: bingeing on comfort food,
shopping, applying any external resource to our pain and fear.
Still,
no matter how much- or what- I consumed, I believed the harmful lie: I was bad,
I was wrong, I was to blame. The best I could hope for was to attempt to self-soothe
and create my own version of “something to look forward to.” Addiction promised
to make me feel happy, loved and safe. No one and nothing else would or could.
“The heart knoweth his own
bitterness; and a stranger doth not intermeddle with his joy.”
Proverbs 14:10
How
about you? What formative experience traumatized you, even to the point of
pursuing an addiction as the healing balm?
Was
it abuse?
Was
it the loss of a loved one?
Was
it divorce?
Was
it poverty or homelessness?
These
are just a few possible “reasons” why we drink, smoke, inject, eat, gamble,
shop, overachieve and have unhealthy relationships with unsafe people. For most
of us, there exists at least one critical moment which altered us. It changed
our view of self, others and even The Most High.
Each
of us has learned wrong spiritual things; we get it wrong. We get it wrong
because we know, only too well, our own painful experiences.
“The heart knoweth his own
bitterness; and a stranger doth not intermeddle with his joy.”
Proverbs 14:10
But,
we also have the capacity to know something else as well. We have help.
“Elohim is our refuge and strength, a very present help in
trouble.”
Psalms 46:1
Jeremiah
is often referred to as “the weeping prophet;” he is well-acquainted with humanity’s
tendencies toward destructive choices.
But,
even in that bleak realization, Jeremiah still asserts the presence of hope,
even in the hopelessness...
There
exists a familiar statement about adversity: “The only way out is through.”
That
means we have to acknowledge and experience the scary thing we fear most.
We
have to “go there.”
None
of it is easy; none of it is fun. It’s much more appealing to just turn to our
elixir. Let the drugs, alcohol, food, behavior or relationship erase the pain
and ugliness instead of dealing with our most personal damage.
The
trauma, perhaps, happened in a second, a one-time event. Or maybe it’s been a
reoccurring, deeply enmeshed pattern still active in our lives now. Regardless,
there is no shame in admitting we are affected. It doesn’t make us spiritually
defective, morally bankrupt or “bad people.” It makes us vulnerable human beings.
And
vulnerable is not necessarily the same thing as “sinful.” Vulnerable is about
being fragile dust in the sandstorm called life. And our Creator is not caught
off guard by that reality.
“For He knoweth our frame; He remembereth that we are dust.”
Psalms 103:14
What
wounded you? What paralyzed you? What changed you?
Whatever
the alteration has been, you and I are loved, accepted and deemed valuable by
The Most High.
And
whatever we have for experiences, He is not intimidated by any of it.
“Behold, I am... Is there anything too hard for Me?”
Jeremiah 32:27
No
exceptions whatsoever.
*“Effects of Complex Trauma,” http://www.nctsn.org/trauma-types/complex-trauma/effects-of-complex-trauma
Copyright © 2017 by Sheryle Cruse
No comments:
Post a Comment