Self-Sabotage: Return To the Vomit?

“I’m my own worst enemy.”

Ever utter those words?

Chances are, at different points in our lives, we will do our own unique versions of self-destruction. We self-sabotage. It’s not necessarily because we want to ruin our lives.

Perhaps, rather, it’s because we want to control them.

Wonderful, here we go!

And, for those of us in recovery: alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, shopping, anything under the sun, really, it seems to be all in a day’s work. What’s the famous slogan? “Relapse is a part of the recovery process.”

Oh, good, so let’s do some recovering then.

Scripture illustrates the relapse/self-sabotage principle long before any 12 Step Programs or support groups were formed.

“As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.”

Proverbs 26:11

Lovely.

My husband and I don’t have dogs; we have cats. And so, I understand this Proverb in real life feline terms. With our cats, there are hairballs, usually coughed up at two in the morning. I should know because that’s usually the time I’m awakened to that one of a kind retching sound. Either that, or I step in it when I get up hours later. Both are fun options, let me tell you.

Nevertheless, on more occasions than I care to experience, our cats, if left to their own devices, will eventually attempt to consume their just regurgitated hairballs.

Pleasant.

It sounds gross, barbaric and pointless to us, doesn’t it? After all, this hairball, supposedly, was giving the cats enough trouble for them to vomit it up in the first place, right? Why go back to square one?

Is anyone recognizing themselves yet? I know I am.

To start, there’s an independent streak, usually very contrary to most 12 Step Principles like…

“We admitted we were powerless over a substance - that our lives had become unmanageable.”

 “We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

“We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”

“We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”

“We’re entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”

“We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.”

Pretty straightforward and thorough, isn’t it?

But is it fun and gratifying to our will and cravings?

Eh, not so much. We tend to insist on a declaration of our own little independence, don’t we?

That often involves such great decision makers like pride, isolation and excess.

So, let’s see what might happen with these approaches.

First, there’s pride.

“Pride goeth before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall.”

Proverbs 16:18

We’re not the first to dawn upon that cute notion. In fact, it goes back a little ways, beyond a decade or even a century. Try a real-l-l-l-y long time ago, with one particular little fella.

“And he said unto them, ‘I beheld Satan as lightning fall from heaven.’”

Luke 10:18

“How you have fallen from heaven, morning star, son of the dawn! You have been cast down to the earth, you who once laid low the nations!”

Isaiah 14:12

Oh, good, this will go great.

 Indeed, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. But it wasn’t without cause. You see, Satan thought he could do things all by himself. He could be just like God. No problem, right?

But there was a problem, a big old independent pride of a problem. And Satan, therefore, got puffed up, greedy and grabby.

"But you said in your heart, 'I will ascend to heaven; I will raise my throne above the stars of God, And I will sit on the mount of assembly In the recesses of the north. I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High.'”

Isaiah 14:13-14

Uh-Oh.

And then there followed God’s “nevertheless” response to that attitude…

"Nevertheless you will be thrust down to Sheol, To the recesses of the pit.”

Isaiah 14:15

Yeah, that’s not good…

"Those who see you will gaze at you, They will ponder over you, saying, 'Is this the man who made the earth tremble, Who shook kingdoms?’”

Isaiah 14:16

So much for big, bad and independent, huh?

It’s not about calling ourselves Satan. It is, however, about recognizing the slippery slope of willfulness…stubbornness…pride…independent arrogance… and a great big fall.

We’re all capable of that. How many “rock bottoms,” really, have you and I already lived through? Do we really want to take another swan dive?

But, I guess, a-diving we often go, employing good ‘ole isolation to the stubborn mess.

Whether we want to indulge our cravings or are ashamed of that indulgence (or both), many of us decide we need to drop off the planet and self-medicate/party. We stop talking to our loved ones. We can stop going to meetings, calling our sponsors and going to church, school and work.

Scripture, as usual, provides its perspective on this tactic:

“A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire;
He rages against all wise judgment.”

Proverbs 18:1

What’s the opposite of wise? Foolish.

But, c’mon, we reason such things as…

“This is fun.”

“It’s only one time.”

“I have this under control.”

 “I’ll get back on the horse Monday morning.”

“Besides, no one understands my pain or what I’m going through.”

Said any of these gems? I have. Yet, they never work; they never fix anything. And, eventually, we’re wallowing in situations that went way further than we ever expected they would. That’s what sin does.

Yay.

But it’s not about condemnation, because, after all…

“There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.”

Romans 8:1

Yet there’s also a reality check side to the condemnation issue. And again, it deals with our flawed selves. Check out this little ditty:

“And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil.”

John 3:19

It’s not flattering. I know, at different times, I’ve been in a critical moment of decision: should I indulge in my own way here and now or choose the healthier approach of going to a support group meeting, calling someone, going to church or, heck, even praying? Unfortunately, I’ve occasionally chosen the first option, even when I “knew better,” even when I glimpsed the consequences of that less than healthy choice.

Why did I do this? Well, Paul says it much better than I EVER could:

“For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice: but what I hate, that I do.”

Romans 7:15

Thanks, Paul.

And that’s where the healing of supportive people comes in. After all, if God stated being alone wasn’t good for us, why would that change?

“And the LORD God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.’”

Genesis 2:18

Now, I know this scripture is trotted out when it comes to finding a spouse and that’s a part of it.

But it also speaks to the connection- the communion- with supportive loving people in our lives. They can be in recovery groups and churches; they can be sponsors. But the common denominator is that they have to be individuals outside of our “me, myself and I” tendencies.

God didn’t create hermits. We do that to ourselves. And there’s no blessing to that decision, only more delusion, deception and destruction. We cannot go it alone.

And let’s not forget, we still have the pursuit of our cravings. We are often captivated by excess. We want to be with our chosen binges and diseases, don’t we? Again, we’re cautioned not to do that…

“Do not join those who drink too much wine or gorge themselves on meat.”

Proverbs 23:20

"Be careful, or your hearts will be weighed down with carousing, drunkenness and the anxieties of life, and that day will close on you suddenly like a trap.

Luke 21:34

But those cautions aren’t so much fun. They aren’t attractive, compelling, glimmering with our God substitute of an answer to pain, stress and life. Indulgence is more of a party than self-control.

And, because God is a good God, yes, He has given us the capacity for that attribute.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.”

Galatians 5:22-23

We just need to put it into practice.

“This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.”

Galatians 5:16

 And c’mon, we view the word “practice” as work, not fun, right?

Nevertheless, it is possible. We just need to remember, it’s not about our strength or brilliant ideas. We know what some of those things can do. Self-control is tied to God.

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”

John 15:5

Whether it is stumbling blocks of pride, isolation or excess, God still wants to be in our lives and recovery programs; He wants to instruct and guide us.

 “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go: I will guide you with My eye.”

Psalm 32:8

“Your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, ‘This is the way, walk in it, whenever you turn to the right hand, and whenever turn to the left.’”

Isaiah 30:21

Often, God is not even saying something super spiritual to us. It could be “Go to a meeting,” “Call your sponsor,” “Don’t shop on the internet,” or “Put that drink down.”

In that moment, it often comes down to a question: do we trust God?

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”

Proverbs 3:5-6

That question is not easy to answer. Neither is recovery. Let’s get real- often, it feels like a war.

“But I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin.”

Romans 7:23-25

But we’re not alone in that war. God is there. And He’s making a way…

“Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall. No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.”

1 Corinthians 10:12-13

One day at a time, in the moment…

And, even it’s a “relapse kind of moment,” God is still there, able to handle it:

“Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is there anything too hard for Me?”

Jeremiah 32:27

He doesn’t want to punish us or beat us up.

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

Jeremiah 29:11

We need to stop doing it, then, to ourselves. God wants us to see there’s another way from the options we’re unsuccessfully pursuing. He’s faithful to meet us right where we are.

And He’s equipped us with practical recovery tools. Support groups, sponsors, recovery meetings and healthy coping strategies are just a few of those options. They can be secular in nature sometimes, but once God is at the center, they become Godly.

You and I don’t have to return to the vomit. God has better for us.

Wherever we are on the relapse/recovery grid, we need to remember God desires to love us, meet us and help us. Let’s accept the grace, start again if we need to and leave the vomit where it belongs: in the past.

Copyright © 2019 by Sheryle Cruse