Redefining Angels

Angels are a powerful force today. I’m not just talking about the Divine ability of these creatures to swoop in, save lives, intervene in important human matters. No. Check popular culture, especially within the last twenty or so years. Angels are no longer just in Christmas Nativity sets or on holiday cards. They sell and convey life insurance protection, home security, matchmaking’s true love and even school spirit. In fact, my own high school once employed a cute angelic creature sporting a black eye and a battered halo to signify just how tough the football team was.

As a little girl, I was drawn to angels. No. I was obsessed with them. To look at photographs of me around the ages of five through eight, I made a habit of “posing” like one of them, hands pressed together in prayer. There’s one photo of me standing in a gigantic empty china closet (don’t ask me why), in that angel pose. I thought they were beautiful and I aspired to be just like them “when I grew up.”

Yeah, there’s nothing like realistic expectations, huh?

It wasn’t about helping people or being kind and loving, which is a big part of any angel’s wheelhouse. No, for me, as that child, it had everything to do with the fact that angels are beautiful. Go look at some depictions of Seraphim and see for yourself. The silky, (usually blonde) flowing hair, the unblemished glowing faces, the exquisite wings and gowns, often trimmed with gold. They are beautiful. Artistic portrayals dictate the terms. Angels are only ugly, clumsy and bizarre- looking for comedic or cautionary tale purposes. Think Clarence from the holiday classic, “It’s a Wonderful Life.” No long blonde hair there. No beautiful face. It’s an awkward, short older guy, just trying to earn his wings.  Think warnings against sinning and therefore, going to Hell, where only grotesque, winged creatures are there to torture you and I for all eternity.

But, when we’re serious about portraying angels as wonderful messengers, it’s only the beautiful ones who are our guides, our rescuers, and our protectors. Beautiful equals “holy” or “good.” Accept no substitutes.

And so, we mere mortals are drawn in; we’re transfixed. Some of us even create our beauty templates based upon those angelic representations. I did.

At the height of my anorexia, I strove to embody a fragile image. Emaciated equaled fragile; fragile equaled ethereal. And ethereal equaled beautiful. There were no overweight angels (with the exception of cherubs), unless, again, used for some kind of comic or cautionary effect. Reverential depictions of holiness and all things Divine feature angels that are beautiful, ethereal.

But all ethereal is not good ethereal.

For some, a delicate appearance may hide an ugly and dangerous reality. Especially when it concerns anorexia. For that delicate, fragile-looking aesthetic soon turned into a life-threatening reality. If 100 pounds was ethereal, how much more would 90 pounds or lower be? The goal becomes, indeed, that ever-moving target of beauty just out of reach unless and until that next ten pounds is lost. And then the target moves ten pounds lower than that.

At my lowest, I was a two-digit weight, with pulsating throbs drumming from the crooks of my arms and knees. I could feel my heartbeat pound in my chest. I’d wake up each morning, stand up and collapse. Not exactly the stuff of singing Seraphim.

But that image, oh, that image! Angels had that “it factor” that I wanted. Yeah, Sheryle, it’s called being non-human.

Nope, there aren’t angels with bad body image or “weight problems.” Just impossibly perfect- looking and unaffected by problems and vices. Maybe that’s why they’re so beautiful.

As the years rolled on and I entered eating disorder recovery, I never gave up my love of angels. Their beauty, serenity, supernatural power and mystique still compel me. I have a number of angel figurines accenting my home. Many of my Christmas trees were bedecked with angels, not stars. I still love these Heavenly creatures.

And, since my 2017 Breast cancer diagnosis, that love for them remains. Although now, I realize it has more to do with the spirit of an angel and less to do with aesthetics. More than likely, if angels are actual existing beings, they are probably less beautiful Seraphim and more late-night bar bouncer in appearance. Fierce. Protector. Warrior. No nonsense. Will- mess- you- up- if- you- don’t- adhere- to- the- decent- human- being- program kind of angels.

Therefore, all of that flowing, blonde hair would get in the way of actual battle for our lives and souls. I haven’t seen any angels in ponytails or wearing barrettes lately.

Anyway, now my “angel pose” has also changed. I do embrace the bouncer-angel more than the pretty version these days. Bouncer-angel is about conviction, integrity, justice. Maybe it’s the maturing process. As we age, we develop strength, wisdom (hopefully), and a clearer sense of what is and is not important. Redefinition spreads to our priorities; it, perhaps, infiltrates how we see everything, angels included.

And so, I’m redefining angels now, not because I was to discount the beauty often associated with them. Rather, it’s about embracing a healthier interpretation of these creatures, not for their sake, but for mine.

For me, that’s truly angelic.

Copyright © 2019 by Sheryle Cruse