Focus on the Lesson

Forgive Yourself...

How Boundaries are Slowly Destroyed

Outstanding in That Capacity

It’s a rite of teenage passage for most of us, Generation X and beyond: watching the John Hughes film, “The Breakfast Club.” It brilliantly captures the angst, the struggles and the uncomfortable truth of the teenage years, via our characters, labeled as “The Brain,” “The Athlete,” “The Basket Case,” “The Princess” and “The Criminal.”

It’s these last two types, especially, that have most recently caught my attention.

Not long ago, I re-watched the movie, many years post my adolescence, and, whether it’s generic hindsight or my sensitivity to abuse, I found myself noting some disturbing relationship dynamics between “The Princess” and “The Criminal.” Maybe you’ll concur.

How It Starts…

We’re introduced to our teens, summoned to a Saturday detention for various reasons. Within minutes of the movie’s start, “The Princess’s” crimes are that of ditching school to go shopping.

Looking at her attire, “The Princess,” named Claire, we see how yes, she appears to be upper middle class, being dropped off at the school in her father’s BMW, wearing expensive clothes.

In stark contrast, our introduction to “The Criminal” (named John Bender), has him walking to the school, every bit the loner, dressed in sunglasses, flannel, denim and a long trench coat. He emits tough guy and “antisocial.”

As the students gather, there are hostile sparks flying between our Princess and our Criminal. He makes suggestive comments. At one point, Bender encourages the other male, “The Athlete,” Andrew, “Let’s get the Prom Queen impregnated.”

Yeah. Sexual harassment at its teenage finest, everyone.

After some antagonizing back and forth, Claire advises the gang to just ignore Bender. To which he responds, “Sweets, you couldn’t ignore me if you tried.”

I immediately remembered the sage advice given to many of us out there as children, “If a boy or girl likes you, they pick on you.” (Hence the hair pulling, hitting, spit balls and other assorted bullying many of us endured).

Being Protective?

Anyway, it appears there’s nothing but annoyance and animosity going on between Claire and Bender. However, as the day unfolds, with angry exchanges between the high school principal, Richard Vernon, and “The Criminal,” communication involving insults from both parties, we, as the audience, start seeing some early protective attempts, on behalf of John.

Because of their heated conversation, Bender gets two more months of detention ordered by Vernon. Their argument is intense, so much so, as this school principal ratchets up the detention Saturdays for Bender, Claire pleads to him, shouting, “Cut it OUT!” She then silently mouths, “Stop!”

Not long after, when Claire complains about the relational dynamics between her parents, along with the threat of potential divorce, Bender asks, “Who do you like better?... If you had to choose between them…”

“The Athlete,” Andrew, confronts John about his uncomfortable line of questioning and interacting with Claire. Eventually, as the Saturday detention session goes on, each of the teens engage in more personal discussion, revealing some vulnerable truths, especially about their family structures.

And, it is here where we see Bender’s abusive reality. He roleplays a disturbing parental exchange, describing what a night in his household is like. This includes name calling, with expletives, verbal abuse, culminating with an unsettling father-son confrontation…

“No, Dad, what about you?”

“F*** you!”
“No, Dad, what about you?”

“F*** you!”
Bender ends this role play, finally escalating with a simulated punch to the face. There is a stunned, silent reaction from the teenagers at this revelation.

And, it is here where we see the first real vulnerable cracks of our “bad boy.” You can see the hurt, the pain, the dysfunction of his life. Many of us, especially us codependents, are often drawn in, wanting to rescue such an individual.

Cruel Perception…

Yes, we, the audience, cannot help but feel compassion for John. Principal Vernon further kicks a dog when he is down. In, perhaps, an attempt to “make an example” of “The Criminal,” this educator proceeds to dismiss his humanity and core value…

 “Look at him. He’s a bum. You want to see something funny? You go see John Bender in five years…”

Again, there appears to be an emphasis on writing off this “lowlife” teen. He’s not worth it. There’s nothing more to him than one-dimensional trouble.

On Relationships…

However, like Claire, we are, somehow, intrigued by him. We still don’t give up on him. We want the movie happy ending, I suppose. For, despite the sexual innuendo, the name calling, the insults and the tough demeanor, Bender compels us, doesn’t he? He makes us want to root for him. He makes us want to understand him, take care of him and even love him, doesn’t he?

There’s one point within the storyline, in which Claire and Bender are hanging out together, looking through each other’s stuff. We see Claire flipping through the photos of girls John keeps in his wallet. Bender, likewise, is spraying her perfume, one of the many cosmetic items she carries in her purse. At one point, it looks like he’s using Claire’s eyebrow comb to brush his teeth, as he stares into her compact.

A bit cringeworthy, I must say.

Anyway, the two of them discuss relationships. Claire asks about the many photos, offering the challenge of the “one guy, one girl” dynamic for him to consider. It looks like things may be getting a little too personal and uncomfortable for Bender, so much so, looking at all of the scattered purse contents, he blurts out, “How come you have so much s*** in your purse?” Claire responds…

 “I don’t know. I guess I can never throw anything away.”

And Bender, referencing the many wallet photos, answers back…

“Neither do I.”

Yikes.

The “bad boy,” once again, reminds us of how relationships are not often viewed and treated by him in the healthiest of manners. He has trouble with a committed relationship. He needs to have a girl in every port.

Yes, we may be intrigued by the “danger,” the excitement, even the “two different worlds colliding” element of it all. Still, should we accept that as the baseline for how we are treated within a serious love relationship? I think not.

Confrontation…

As the detention Saturday continues for our cast of characters, we are not done with the harsh remarks, bandied back and forth, between “The Princess” and “The Criminal.”

Indeed, as each of the detention teens are sitting in a circle in the school library, they cover a range of uncomfortable topics: sexuality, image, achievement, painful parental relationships, perfectionism.

Inevitably, each one of them, are confronted with status and class.

Yes, we’re all aware of the adolescent hierarchy that exists within a high school structure. There are various “tiers” of value and importance. Claire and Andrew, perhaps, represent that top tier, “the popular kids.” Brian, “The Brain,” perceived as nerdlike, settles somewhere in the middle, as his academic achievement has him possessing a certain role and function as a student. Allison, “The Basket Case,” is probably set lower within the hierarchy, as she is the misunderstood loner, dressed in all black, possessing erratic behavior. And, lastly, of course, we have John Bender, our “Criminal.” Within the context of high school hierarchy, he is at the very bottom.

So, as these teens hash out issues, once again, there is clashing between Claire and Bender. Here is where they spew intensely pointed remarks at one another…

 “God, you’re so pathetic… I like those earrings, Claire… I bet those were a Christmas present, weren’t they…go home and cry to your daddy. Don’t cry here…”

Bender continues his insults, telling her to stick to things she knows about, like shopping, nail polish, and “your father’s BMW and your poor drunk mother in the Caribbean.”

Claire, clearly at the point of breaking, sobs, “I hate you so much right now!”

Bender snarls, “Yeah? Good!”

It’s brutal to watch. In the middle of the truth telling, in the middle of adolescent angst, we are still faced with cruelty, which seems to have no age limit. Out of the mouths of babes?

It’s unsettling.

The Basis of a Solid Relationship?

As the film winds down, we witness a conversation between “The Princess” and “The Criminal.” Claire sneaks into the supply closet, Bender’s solitary isolation spot. With a stroke of boldness, Claire leans in, to give John a kiss on the neck.

“Why’d you do that?”

Claire responds, “Because I knew you wouldn’t.”

Eh, maybe not the best communication dynamic going on here, but hey, they’re just getting to know each other, right? Maybe there’s hope, we, the audience reason.

Eventually, John asks a certain question…

 “You know how you said before how your parents use each other to get back at each other? Wouldn’t I be OUTSTANDING in that capacity?”

Eh, red flag alert? At first, we may be lulled into an “Awwh, isn’t that sweet?” response.

But let’s just pause for a second here and look a little closer at what that question means.

“Wouldn’t I be OUTSTANDING in that capacity?”

Remember, we’ve spent the last one hour and thirty-seven minutes getting to know these characters. We have witnessed, within that time, a series of inappropriate, hurtful and dysfunctional interactions between Claire and Bender.

And now, suddenly, everything is hunky dory?

What about the more serious issues, experienced by both characters? What about abuse? What about drug use? What about sexual views? What about radical family differences? What about healthy self-esteem? Where is that found in either character? What needs to be worked on and healed?

And will the two of them do just that?

Or, will abuse and dysfunction cycles continue to exist as we see how the two of them are, indeed, “Outstanding in that capacity,” fully hurting each other? Will Bender, sooner or later, give Claire a black eye or a busted lip? Will she stay in the relationship if he does?

And, let’s not forget, their brains haven’t even fully formed yet.

No, none of that is going to be neatly resolved in this relationship, without some bumps in the road.

But, yes, we, the audience, want the happy love story ending, right? We don’t want to think about how that love story may not be so happy, healthy or possible.

Wrapping It Up?

Okay, so we know how the story ends. (Spoiler alert, in case you haven’t seen the movie).

“The Athlete” and “The Basket Case” become a couple. “The Brain” feels some pride and self-esteem, while being appointed the group paper writer. And yes, of course, “The Criminal and “The Princess” couple up.

We’re left with Claire and Bender kissing goodbye before Claire gets into her father’s BMW. Before she does, she places one of her diamond earrings into John’s fingerless gloves, closing that hand with hers on top. They kiss. As she leaves, Bender fastens that earring in his ear, walking home, through the football field, with a bit of a spring in his step. We believe he’s found the love and validation, so much so, the film ends with his triumphant fist raised in the air. The movie freezes on that image. The song, “Don’t You Forget About Me,” by Simple Minds, plays.

Ta-dah! All is well. Even though, Bender’s going home to an abusive family setting. But he found teenage love and is wearing a diamond earring of the rich girl he’s spent the past hour and a half disdaining and insulting.

Sounds great to me.

Sigh: some of it’s the hopeless romantic in me. Some of the sigh is uneasiness.

The Takeaway:

Have I ruined the nostalgic memories of your teenage youth? It’s just a movie from the 1980s. It’s fiction; the characters aren’t real. Yes, that’s all true, but the mixed, confused messages, perhaps, are all too real. “Good Girl” and “Bad Guy” archetypes are hard to kill. What is the agenda driving them?

It’s a precarious thing, especially for those of us who’ve endured any form of abuse. What are we to do with a storyline in which the lovebirds berate, insult and humiliate each other, to only fall in love with each other, without healing any of those boiling issues?

Let’s get real about these fictional characters: “The Princess” and “The Criminal” will probably not seek couples’ counseling. They probably won’t “beat the odds.”

They will hurt each other.

Perhaps, “The Breakfast Club” is more cautionary tale than teen flick. Perhaps is a wakeup call for each one of us, in “a couple” or not, to get healthy and challenge our own identity and personal issues.

“The unexamined life is not worth living.”

Socrates

To paraphrase the film’s famous song, “don’t you forget about that.”

Copyright © 2020 by Sheryle Cruse

Becoming Your Own Parent

The Messy Process

Actually the Days...

Conditioning

Daily, mundane routines can capture the deeper issues in our lives.

Like a lot of people out there, my hair has vexed me. Memories of snarls and pulling at my head, using “No More Tears” hair detangler certainly did not matters. And I never looked like the pretty, golden-haired little girl, enjoying the bonding experience with the beautiful, blonde mother, featured on the bottle.

I’ve spent the greater part of my life battling my hair. Hence, hair conditioner. And, as I’ve been battling my various OTHER issues, family dysfunction and abuse, being at the top of the list, I’ve recently seen how there is, indeed, a common denominator: conditioning, as the practiced tactic, and, as some would say, the “solution.”

A documentary on hair once espoused that the universal desire of people with hair problems is that they have a “manageable” coiffure.

Whether curly, wavy, straight, kinky, fine, coarse, long or short, people just don’t want to battle their hair all day long.

Therefore, hair conditioner promises to fix our woes. Check out what is declared on the bottles:

“To moisturize, nourish and protect.”

“Tames and smooths”

“Vibrant and beautiful!”

As I contemplated some of hair conditioner’s promises, I saw striking similarities to abusive dynamics.

Like many conditioners out there, abuse’s goals are often to…

Protect:

How many conditioners promise to protect the delicate strands of hair from harm, damage and breakage?

My life has been littered with bottles, assuring me that my snarl-prone ‘do would not suffer any further havoc. I was safe using this magic potion.

Aren’t we all promised safety with this haircare product? Indeed, ingredients like Biotin and Keratin are often offered to keep our manes in their full glories.

Abuse and dysfunction, likewise, in their deluded perspectives, also believe protection is happening, employing their own ingredients:  manipulation, gaslighting, isolation, threats and misuses of money and power.

The emphasis is on the protection of the image, the reputation, the “system” the abuser has going on. Nothing can threaten that “status quo.” It must be protected, no matter what.

The abuser may say things like…

“…You don’t need to work and make money. I’ll take care of you…”

“…I just want it to be the two of us…”

“…You don’t need friends. You have me…”

The “protection” ensures no outsider can peek into the reality, which is often shame and secret-ridden and physically, emotionally and mentally harmful. Protection from outside critiques or influences, therefore, must be prevented and destroyed. Abuse is the only world allowed to flourish.

Smooth Things:

Conditioners often tout their ability to make one’s hair the ultimate in silky smoothness.

I have a slight natural wave that gets feisty with humidity.

And I live in Minnesota.

Therefore, some smooth silky reality would be nice to, again, keep things manageable on top of my head.

Here’s where ingredients like Argan and Coconut Oil are presented as the must-have solutions to hair woes. The focus is on de-emphasizing “unruly” curls, waves and, of course, the dreaded “frizz.”

Beat that hair into submission.

And, once again, the abuser’s playbook has some similar motives and strategies: to keep the peace at all cost. Make things look more “pleasing” than what they are.

“Smoothing out” things, in an abuse context, may look like this…

…Convincing institutions like houses of worship, schools and court systems that there is some “misunderstanding,” usually because the person being abused is presented as “crazy, troubled, sick” and, therefore, needs the abuser to look after him or her…

…Lying, just outright lying. The abuser knows the truth is against him/her. So, building a Machiavellian case, with any ends justifying any means, is necessary. Lying, using charm and, yes, smoothing any circumstance is implemented to prevent and stop an outsider from asking some inconvenient questions…

…Bribing and bartering. Yes, really. A deal, that was “too good to be true” was promised, one often involving- quelle surprise- large amounts of money and, just like that, the person gets sold out. Yes, indeed, deals do get made, secret deals. When an abuser is involved, opportunistic schemes can abound…

Control Things:

Conditioner promises us the illusive guarantee of complete and perfect control.

These products claim to correct and alter our hair shafts, paving the way for perfect hair.

Again, whatever unruly and undesirable state of hair you and I are enduring, there still seems to be this unrealistic expectation that we will reach perfection with it.

So, we apply the conditioning.

Abuse is similar also, in this respect. It is all about keeping things contained. Just like the other mechanisms of conditioning, there is emphasis on keeping something or someone from doing something outside of the bounds of the abuser’s permission and altering another individual’s life.

Such as…

“…Trapping” the victim: in example: taking his/her car keys, relocating the person to an isolated area, monitoring their phone usage…

…Limiting the individual’s choices: their appearance, what they eat, how they dress, what they say, their interactions with family and friends…

“…Convincing” them that they need to live like this. If they deviate from this premise, they are shamed-conditioned- to believe they are wrong, at fault, defective, ungrateful, stupid, crazy or “not good enough” in any way…

Weighed Down:

Here’s a lesson I learned, early on, about hair conditioner. Despite its many promises, it can weigh your locks down. Over the years, I have tried to have smooth, sleek, manageable hair, only to achieve a limp, stringy result.

Too much conditioning? Too much manipulation of my hair when I should have just shampooed it and gotten on with my life?

Still, with all seriousness, as we look at conditioning within the context of abuse, we can also get weighed down, far too quickly, easily and thoroughly.

One can argue that abuse takes a lifetime from which to recover. The conditioning leaves its mark. It leaves us automatically responding to life with maladaptive behaviors that, if we had not been “conditioned,” perhaps, we would have freed us to make healthier choices. It’s an endless, demoralizing rabbit hole to descend into.

Nevertheless, here we are, in whatever condition we are.

Conditioning is all about manipulation. It can be hair; it can be a human being.

The challenge that we face, as we recognize its subtle handywork, indeed, is to reconcile and heal our condition: soul, mind, psyche.

May we all learn what that experience is for our lives.

Copyright © 2020 by Sheryle Cruse

Ego Traps

Coping Thoughts

Listen To Him/Her...

Stonewalling

Addiction's Perceptions

Do you see the bunny? Or do you see the duck?

We’ve come across these types of “trick images” before.

Perception plays a huge starring role in addiction. Each of us is a being which is capable of believing harmful “imaginations.” Full-blown addiction doesn’t happen overnight. It is built, thought by thought, experience by experience, perception by perception.

“I can do this.”

First, there is the Genesis; it begins by that contact moment. We encounter that “thing” which rapidly gets out of our control.

But, in its first form, it often didn’t start out that way. It may have appeared appealing and harmless. That “first” drink, snort, binge, diet, gamble or adrenalized behavior promises us it is “manageable.” Somehow, even if we know or see others struggle and bottom out with the addiction, we believe we are different. We can handle it.

Following this line of thinking, we are poised for destruction.

“Lest he should fall...”

Yet, we don’t see it as such because we are lulled into a false sense of security.

Again, often that first contact with our addiction usually doesn’t create the worst- case scenario bottom. We can get drunk and the destruction doesn’t automatically happen. We can get high and the destruction doesn’t automatically happen. We can starve, binge and purge and the destruction doesn’t automatically happen. We engage in the extreme and the destruction doesn’t automatically happen.

But just because we lucked out once- or even repeatedly- doesn’t guarantee this will always be the result we experience.

 “Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall.”

1 Corinthians 10:12

For we’ve only been blessed, protected and fortunate. And that is not our doing. It is not our arrogant reasoning keeping us safe...

 “I’m invincible.”

 “Human pride will be humbled, and human arrogance will be brought down...”

Isaiah 2:17

Addiction’s perception can convince us we’re in control of our lives. Therefore, if we are IN this control, we can operate in our self-appointed God status. And that’s the problem.

Addiction is a god. And we can easily come under its seduction. The idol lies to us, reassuring us we are, in fact, all-powerful.

We can go along believing that theory. Perhaps we’ve even had experiences which seem to underscore it as truth. But eventually, we trip and discover our fall...

 “Falling short...”

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”

Romans 3:23

Humility and sobriety are intertwined. One cannot exist without the other. Romans 3 is not about humiliating groveling. It is about realistic AWARENESS. Awareness is not debilitating fear. It’s acknowledgment we have limits. But addiction insists otherwise.

Addiction is never full; it never has “enough.”

And so, the next tricky addiction perception we can fall into asserts another dangerous lie, screaming deprivation.

“I’m hopeless.”

Feeling deprived, incorporating such feelings as loneliness, delayed gratification, facing truth and physical/mental/emotional withdrawal, we arrive at this conclusion which, not surprisingly, urges us to use our addiction as that much-needed pain reliever.

We are hurting and joyless. What’s the point in living?

“A Bruised Reed”

But, even in this seemingly forlorn state, we underestimate Divine Mercy.

“A bruised reed shall he not break, and smoking flax shall he not quench, till he send forth judgment unto victory.”

Matthew 12:20

Right where we are, in whatever messed up condition we are in, Matthew 12 reminds us of one important thing: it is not over. Addiction loves to convince us there is nothing good ahead. It spotlights death and pointlessness.

And it sets us up for another unrealistic lie:

“I should be cured already.”

But, deep down we all know it’s more complicated than instantaneous healing. Piggybacking Matthew 12’s description of the bruised reed, we need to take that into account when it comes to our addiction and recovery. The bruise is a wound under the surface.

“The Heart Knows Its Own Bitterness.”

Likewise, trauma and difficult issues are often hidden from view.

 “The heart knoweth his own bitterness; and a stranger doth not intermeddle with his joy.”

 Proverbs 14:10

It takes diligent work; it takes uncovering. It takes our vested interest in our transparent recovery.

We cannot mistake the supernatural for the unrealistic.

That may contradict the faith stance. After all, doesn’t the supernatural defy our everyday circumstances?

Yes, it can. But it still doesn’t change or replace the necessary work we need to do. There’s a saying within the faith community: “don’t lose your healing.”

It’s common sense. If we are doing something harmful, if we get a reprieve, a merciful rescue or a clean bill of health, those realities do not grant us license to return to destruction and expect to still have a healthy outcome.

“Let all things be done decently and in order.”

1 Corinthians 14:40

The Most High will do many things for us. But if we want to overburden the concept of “miracle,” we are gambling and should not expect carte blanche concerning what we now know to be wrong.

Our perceptions, no matter how appealing, will not undo this spiritual theory of gravity. We can choose to jump from a skyscraper. It won’t change the consequence we will be pulled down by natural gravitational forces.

We have to humbly become aware of our perceptions. We are not too clever to avoid being misled by them.

And, if we look at how our perceptions can lead us into dangerous waters, we must also see the other side of that coin as well.

Our perceptions- or, more specifically, the stubbornness concerning our perceptions- may hinder us. Where’s the good news in that concept?

Well, if we’re humble and willing to face and change things, imagine what power resides in a different choice and a different behavior.  Imagine the power which comes from a different perception (Isaiah 55:8-9).

There is more than one side to the story. And that, perhaps, is one of the greatest challenges to the addict’s beloved addiction.

“For now we see through a glass, darkly...”

1 Corinthians 13:12

There’s a better, a different way. How are we willing to see things?

Is our perception serving us well? Or is there something else beyond our finite sight and selves?

I think it’s worth it to say yes.

Copyright © 2020 by Sheryle Cruse

Our Desire Puppy (Asking Amiss)

While surfing the internet, I happened upon a funny meme. A little girl held a beast in her arms. And the caption read:

“When you write a letter to Satan instead of Santa asking for a puppy.”

When we get on-n-n-n-e little thing off in our desires and requests, we can, indeed, often generate a different, perhaps unpleasant, result. Scriptural translation popped into my mind in response to both the image and the sentiment:

“Ye lust, and have not... Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts.”

James 4:2-3

Years ago, I had a spiritual experience which impacted my faith and my recovery from eating disorders. Based on a revelation I received about Jairus’ daughter (Mark 5:35-43), I was on fire! It had everything to do with my future in The Most High. I convinced myself I was living for Him. Really, though, I chased that spectacular future more than an actual relationship.

But I was still intoxicated by “finding God,” nonetheless.

“What is man, that thou art mindful of him? And the son of man, that thou visitest him?”

Psalms 8:4

Everything was intertwined. It was Jesus; it was me. It was promise; it was desperation.

Plus, there was a surge of my personal creativity during this quest. (This, years later, became my book, “Thin Enough: My Spiritual Journey Through the Living Death of an Eating Disorder”). I felt the rush of heady emotions: excitement, fear and uncertainty. I felt like my destiny would happen immediately!

Well… not quite. It took longer than the initial two weeks I believed it was going to take.

But, during that spring, Jesus and new possibility were everywhere in my life.

Scriptures which clinched it for me spotlighted the “whatsoever” hook…

“Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you.”

John 15:16

This promise encouraged me with evidence I was on my destined way.

“Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them.”

Mark 11:24

I wanted Elohim to make it all up to me. So, He became my dispenser of goodies, not the loving Most High, Father and Creator Who deserved my love and praise. It was all about give me, give me, give me!

I was asking amiss. And this spilled into the next phase of my spiritual experience.

I was convinced I was, indeed, changing for the better. But I wanted MORE. So, within my clueless state, I wrote in a diary entry: “Lord, change me!”

Oh, really?

One small detail though: I saw only the words “bless me” whenever I looked at “change.” I wanted my life to improve. But I didn’t understand the hard, painful, long, continuous work often involved in that process. Again, I thought He would make it happen fast and easy. Nope!

So I prayed, “change me!” Me; who fought every bit of change. Change me, Lord (but just let me keep control and let me do things my way).

I’ve never been a great poster child for patience. And that was the case here. As time passed, with no evidence of this vague destiny thing, the more I obsessed about it.

The trouble was I never defined exactly what would realistically happen; I only expected it to be perfect.

We mistake our self-imposed ideas of our desires for His time table, involvement and Presence. We have to get real about this.

As frustrating as it is, you and I are not running the show according to our bright ideas. And that’s a good thing.

Think about it. Do we really believe it’d be a great idea to have the world run according to our feelings- all of ‘em? Our feelings, in a frustrated moment, can lie to us, telling us just because life isn’t going swimmingly, Elohim has forsaken us.

Or perhaps, we’re experiencing a time in which we do feel a wonderful spiritual connection. Everything seems possible. It’s just as frustrating, ultimately, to believe the lie that life will always go this way. It doesn’t. Some time periods are easier and more fulfilling than others. And we can set ourselves up for disillusionment, believing a decision to say yes to our Higher Power makes everything easy. It doesn’t. Sometimes, our lives experience the exact opposite effect.

Sometimes, yes, we do experience a seismic shift in our spirituality.

But could this perceived seismic shift actually be a replacement for an actual relationship with Him? That’s where danger often comes in.

None of us have perfect, infallible GPS, all of our own doing.

 “All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned everyone to his own way...”

Isaiah 53:6

Instant gratification and achieved desires: both can be such illusions.

“For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”

Matthew 6:21; Luke 12:34

Why’s the thing so important?

We can pin our entire heart upon a designated thing to make us happy and complete. Addiction is all about that.

I saw myself as walking the path to my “on my way” destiny; and yeah, the Divine was endorsing it. I was certain of it. But as years went by, I became more frustrated.

Let’s get this thing rolling! C’mon!

But again...

“Ye lust, and have not... Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts.”

James 4:2-3

The painful truth? I wasn’t as ready as I thought I was.

And that’s difficult to face when you want what you want- RIGHT NOW!!!!

So, what do you want right now and why do you want it immediately?

 “…The thing that thou doest is not good.”

Exodus 18:17

Do you still overdrive your passions? Do you even use the self-soothing promise, dangled in addiction, all to create this counterfeit feeling of a Divine relationship, purpose or experience?

Underneath every motive, we want The Most High. And so we seek our designated Divine substitutes to fill whatever black hole exists.

During my spiritual rededication, what I believed to be an “end of a thing,” was actually “the beginning of the journey.” I didn’t see the drudgery, the years, the tears, the boring uneventful moments, the disappointment, the numerous loads of laundry and the heartache. No. I only saw the glory.

It’s easy to get caught up in a vision; it’s exciting. It may be valid, even Divinely-given. It can even be our healthy commitment TO our recovery processes. But that still doesn’t negate the reality of time, imperfection and the need for patience.

Our Creator will act. It just probably won’t be according to our specifications. Get used to that. Unfortunately, we don’t like that process. We like “instant.” But are we ready? Are we strong enough? Are we mature enough?

When we ask for our proverbial puppy, are we asking Santa...or Satan?

How healthy, indeed, is “our asker?”

Copyright © 2020 by Sheryle Cruse

Braids

 

It’s inevitable. I suppose, it’s the nature of the complicated relationship known as “mother/daughter.” No matter which side you’re on, it’s filled with mixed feelings, all tangled up. As mothers and daughters go, we love each other and we hate each other. We want to be connected; we want our independence. We want closeness; we want to be left alone. We want to be “just like her,” for whatever that means. We want to be “anything, but her,” for whatever that may mean. We want approval; we want to rebel. We want to tear each other down and then we want to build each other up. We get jealous of one another; we get proud of one another. We want to be best friends; we want to be mortal enemies. We can’t wait to get rid of each other; we mourn each other. And all of that usually happens in a time span of five minutes when mother and daughter are in contact with each other.

We’re pushing buttons, pulling strings, avoiding issues, attacking each other, smothering and running away, everything, it seems, except being at peace with our mother/daughter reality.

I’ve never been a mother, personally; I’ve only been a daughter. That’s something, indeed, every female experiences in her life. Some daughters have never known their mothers. Some have been abandoned, abused and mistreated by them. Some daughters have lost their mothers. Some daughters have great relationships with their mothers. But, no matter what, “mother” has an incredible impact on whomever we do and don’t become. “Mother” is an influential ghost to each of us. “Mother:” the promise of unconditional love, nurturing and caring.

But, with eating disorders, in particular, it seems that the word “mother” carries so much extra complication with it. I remember the enmeshment of my relationship with Mom, first demonstrated as we were “diet buddies” throughout my childhood. When issues of getting achievements, getting down to our “right weight” and comforting our sorrows with food and magical thinking came into play, however, I felt that the “mother promise” was all distortion, no substance. I felt betrayed, not just by my mother, but by its promising carrot dangling over my soul and my identity.

I created this drawing, “Braids,” back in 1995. It was part Mother’s Day present for my mom, part therapy for me. The drawing is the two of us at the same age of five. I remembered something, as that little girl, that stayed with me and has deepened in its meaning for me over the years. When that photograph of me was taken, Mom purposely braided my hair because, she herself, had braids when she was photographed as a little girl. She wanted to capture that similarity, that bond, I guess, somehow. Her thinking was this: “Like mother, like daughter.”

And, in theory, that “Like mother, like daughter” sentiment should be loving, sweet and innocent. But, instead, so often, it seems to be haunting, confusing and frustrating for both mother and daughter. The enmeshment between the two of us, I know, affected us both. Mom had issues, frustration and pain in our relationship; I did as well. Support, for one another, therefore, becomes an even greater challenge in the relationship as personal desires, fears and hurts all demand specific attention; they are “braided” into an already complex human dynamic.

I suppose that’s why support, creative individuality and expression are so important to me now. Each one of us is, indeed, a separate, unique individual, not a clone of anyone else, mother or daughter included.

Yes, indeed, each one of us is influenced largely by mother. It can be a fuzzy, vague concept or a painful, frustrating relationship with our actual human, imperfect mother figures.

But, whether or not we’re mothers in our own lives, we’re always daughters. And we’re always little girls, somewhere in our psyches. That’s to be celebrated, protected and nurtured. 

Let’s braid, this, into who we are.

Copyright © 2020 by Sheryle Cruse

When Mother's Day is Tough For Us (Abused) Kids...

Please be kind to yourself, as this day is littered with guilt and emotional landmines of all kinds...

Know the Difference

“Know the difference between those who stay to feed the soil and those who come to grab the fruit.”

This sobering statement recently came to my attention. I don’t know who originally said it, but it resonates, all the same.

It has personally factored in heavily as I have learned, firsthand, who was a part of my healthy support system...and who was NOT.

Indeed, this concept plays a MAJOR role for each of us as we navigate our addiction/recovery journeys. It is usually not too long in life, before we encounter the all too common cliché dysfunction of co-dependency, narcissism and/or exploitation.

To protect the “guilty,” the parties I mention shall remain nameless. Nevertheless, their actions reveal much.

“When people show you who they are, believe them.”

Dr. Maya Angelou

Long story short: much of my experience involves me only hearing from certain people when they want something from me. And yes, the majority of that “something” is money.

Nothing brings this more into view than the context of family.

As I have addressed before, I don’t have a close relationship with most of my relatives. That is not, ideally, what I would want. However, experience has shown me how high I exist on various family members’ priority lists. Often, I’m not even ON those lists in the first place. I know this because there have been decades of time which have passed since I have last seen or spoken to certain relatives. That is even with social media’s prevalence. Come on, now. In today’s world, it’s not THAT difficult to “reconnect” if you truly desire to do so.

Yet, I have absolutely NO family members as my Facebook friends.

So, from that, I glean relationship with me is just not that important to them.

And yes, I understand life is busy. Marriage, family, career and health challenges are keeping us occupied. We are ALL inundated with the stuff of life.

But that does not jive with the next phase of my family interaction pattern.

With years, sometimes, decades, passing and no communication, let alone, no exchanging of contact information present, it’s a little strange then, when “out of the blue,” my phone rings. The initial “pleasantries” attempt to spill from my particular relative’s mouth for the first few seconds.

And then, here it comes: the question, the financial, and/or the “can-you-help-me-out-here-and-now” question.

It would be one thing if it was the emergency phone call, life or death. But it is not. I’ve learned (the hard way), upon granting a request, I cease to hear from that person again... until the next time, that is.

“...In the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established.”

Matthew 18:16; 2 Corinthians 13:1

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

My phone rings again. “Can-you-help-me-out-here-and-now?”

Suddenly, I am important to them... again.

An old saying usually springs to my mind here: “Use things and love people, not the other way around.”

(I wonder if any of my family have ever heard that statement).

Regardless of whether or not they have, the important distinction here is I HAVE.

And, because I have, it is imperative I check the fruit.

“You will know them by their fruit.”

Matthew 7:16

If I come to the same rescue here, will I have to come to the same rescue again?

The answer’s not too difficult to reach.

Therefore, within the last seven years, I’ve become best buddies with the word, “No.” I have had to.

And, it shouldn’t be too surprising the reaction I got when I introduced this best buddy TO my asking family.

Expletives were hurled; I was called a quite common, unflattering name used against many a female.

 And I didn’t hear from that person again.

In that extreme, unpleasant moment, I learned with acute clarity, how to “know the difference.”

I have heard it said you know who a person truly is when they hear- and respond to- your no. Judging the reaction of my relative here, there was no respect for any answer that was not what he wanted to hear.

Nothing new under the sun about that: human nature.

However, an unexpected, surprising wrinkle developed after this incident. And this crossed from family...to clergy.

Upset by this abusive phone call, at the time, I contacted a pastor for counsel. On staff for years at a church I attended, he seemed to be a committed shepherd. Therefore, I sought his help. I hoped to receive prayer, wisdom and advice.

So, it felt like a FURTHER slap in the face when he bluntly responded to my request with, “This is not my area.”

“...‘Am I my brother’s keeper?’”

Genesis 4:9

What? Are you not a pastor, a shepherd, purposed to help the flock?

I walked away from that encounter, feeling like I was discarded. I could not even present my case. I was shut down. I was dismissed.

Why am I mentioning this? Because, it leads to the next “know the difference” phase of an education I received, albeit, this time, from the Church.

For, a short time later, low and behold, I hear from this same pastor. And He has a question: will I contribute financially to his church project?

Before the necessary advent of his particular project, I was invisible. Even while reaching out for his help, I was invisible.

But now, that he needs something from ME, I shoot to the TOP of HIS list?

I know I come across as a sheep who has, very much, her wooly axe to grind. But this underscores a troubling, yet, too real and common issue, even affecting those of us who need, in any way, help/recovery.

Certain people, including, unfortunately, certain family members, pastors and even churches themselves, are not to be counted on as part of healthy support network.

In an ideal world, yes, they would all be there unconditionally.

But is this world ideal? No.

So, the discernment NEEDS to kick in.

Basic questions need to be asked as we build our recovering lives.

Will this party commit to being there for me? What does that look like for me? What does that look like for him/her?

Is this person participating in healthy or unhealthy behaviors and choices?

Is this person good TO me?

Is this person good FOR me?

Does this persona have my best interest at heart?

Does this person have his/her own agenda? Are there ulterior motives for his/her presence in my life?

Is this relationship a one or a two-way street? Is reciprocity here?

Again...

“Know the difference between those who stay to feed the soil and those who come to grab the fruit.”

There is no shame in needing help, asking for help, expecting a relationship to be mutually beneficial.

Sadly, that is often not what we experience, even as we are at are most vulnerable. We must not sacrifice our recovery for any other entity. This becomes challenging as we are confronted with “should expectations” from this entity. Yes, in example, family expects things of us; Church expects things of us.

But really, the hard question posits, “Are these expected things healthy for me, supporting my recovery?”

Is our soil fed or depleted?

Is our fruit respected or trampled?

Know the difference. Discern. Test the spirits (1 John 4:1).

This, sometimes, can be the biggest spiritual work we do in our recovery.

Copyright © 2020 by Sheryle Cruse