The Harmful Messages We Believe About Our Abusers

Concerning the abusive dynamic, I’m uneasily reminded of Abraham’s Lincoln’s statement about enemies…

“Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?”

That’s a lovely theory, and, in an ideal world, I’d be quite enthusiastic about it.

But life is un-ideal… and filled with abusive people who require a different approach from us… for our own safety.

With all due respect to President Lincoln, somehow, I don’t think he considered the toxic manipulation of some individuals. When someone is abusive, they are counting us having kind and generous natures. They are counting on us to forgive and freely allot multiple chances to them.

Overriding Our Instincts:

“The enemy of my enemy is my friend.”

Ancient Proverb, “The Arthashastra”

Try thinking of this proverb this way: the gut reaction concerning my abuser is my friend.

See anything different now?

Yes, here’s, often, where it all gets started. We completely ignore our intuition. We dismiss our gut.

When we are involved with an abuser, we often don’t want to acknowledge that painful reality. We try to talk ourselves out of it. We convince ourselves that this kind of ugly stuff doesn’t happen to “people like us.” We reassure ourselves that this person is too attractive, too wealthy, too intelligent, too nice, too this-or-that, to be an abuser.

As much as we believe the abuser’s lies, we believe our own even more strongly.

The Harm: “Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?”

All of this can set the dangerous stage to sway us into wanting “to make things work” with an abusive, harmful person. We’re encouraged to make nice.  If we just believe our magical thinking, over unflattering reality, then everything will be okay.

And it’s not just that. We give more authority, more credence, to the “other” opinion, be it the abuser’s, the family and friends trying to talk us out of “acting too rashly,” and even systems like clergy and law enforcement, who encourage us to “think about what we’re doing.”

The translation of all of that is this: don’t trust yourself; trust them; trust us.

But, may times, by doing that, in matters like abuse, there is no destruction of the enemy, only the destruction of ourselves.

That’s not a fair trade.

Destructive Striving:

Speaking of destruction, there’s a lot of destructive striving. We reason, “If I can just do this, or stop doing that…”

And somehow, we never quite finish that sentence, other than to soothe ourselves with the hope that, “things will be better.” Again, it’s the magical thinking which woos us into accepting the faulty, dangerous core belief. Whether or not we know the exact language of that core belief, most of the time, it goes something like this:

“This is my fault. I deserved it. If I can just act right, then the hitting, the screaming, the pain (the abuse) will stop.”

The Harm: “Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?”

If we entertain Lincoln’s statement, while in this mindset, we can convince ourselves that being friends with our abuser, being accommodating concerning them, will solve things. All it takes is our willingness to be friends, and, again, “to make nice.”

But, often, when it comes to our striving, we’re the only ones doing the work. There is no two-way street. There is only the continuation of an unhealthy and unsafe dynamic.

The 4 F’s:

Most of us have heard about “fight or flight” coping strategy when it comes to crisis and an adrenalin response.

But there are two more “F’s:” Freeze and Fawn.

And, again, in the light of abuse, these reactions can be vain attempts to stop the pain, the violence and the unhealthy dynamic we suffer, at the whims of the abuser.

We desperately try to reassure ourselves, no matter which tactic we employ, “If I do this, maybe, they’ll leave me alone.”

The Harm: “Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?”

Again, the mistaken belief we accept, much to our detriment, is that the onus lies solely with us. It’s up to us, to fix and change things, never the abuser’s job. Make friends, “make nice,” do whatever it takes.

Fight… maybe we don’t fight our abuser, but we fight for the remedy which will change things. Flight… perhaps, we try to flee to safety, to avoid the harmful person and the ugly reality, any way we can.

Freeze… we can try not to be noticed; we endeavor to blend into our surroundings.

Fawn… we attempt to give in, hoping our acquiescence will prompt the abuser’s mercy.

Again, it’s all about us making things better, “friendlier,” for and with the abuser. However, during these attempts, we only exhaust and deplete ourselves. Nothing gets better, nothing changes, at least, not in the real ways we desire.

And, all the while, the abuser is comfortable, enabled, even rewarded as we are the ones doing all the heavy lifting.

Once again, in this situation, “friendship” is not the answer, just a harmful, codependent mirage.

Refusal of “What Is:”

The American Buddhist nun, Pema Chödron is famous for her concept, “Idiot Compassion.” It’s when we continue to participate in an unhealthy dynamic, situation or relationship because we feel obligation, responsibility, pity and yes, complicated love/enmeshment for the toxic person. We believe our involvement is necessary and helpful, even if it is to our own detriment. We believe that, if we keep “helping,” then things will finally be the way we long for them to be.

We pin magical thinking on “what if,” instead of “what is.”

The Harm: “Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?”

Repeatedly, we convince ourselves that it can change; they will change. It will get better.

We can do this for years, for decades, for our entire lives.

We can do that at the expense of our health, safety, marriages, families, careers, finances, relationships and personal goals.

Again, returning to the Abraham Lincoln enemy/friend quote, we cling to the hope that our hearts, our desires and efforts, somehow, will win the love of the abusive person, so much so, that they radically and permanently transform, love us back, and participate in a healthy, loving relationship that heals our wounds.

And, again, we take sole ownership of that unrealistic and unhealthy feat. We do not allow the other person to rise and fall on the realities of their own consequences. We rescue them before that ever has a chance of happening.

So, there’s no impetus, no need for change. Why would that person change? Things are working so well for them. We’re taking care of everything for them.

Keeping the Foe a Foe: Permission To Heal:

You cannot negotiate with abusers, much like you cannot negotiate with terrorists.

Ideally, yes, everyone would be able to get along, make amends, do the Kumbaya thing. But that concept is an unachievable Utopia, not the real world.

It’s to the abuser’s advantage, and to our disadvantage, to make them our friends, and a part of our inner circle.

We don’t need to be hostile or injurious about it, although, from the abuser’s perspective, that’s often how they’ll view our actions. This isn’t about seething hatred and bitterness, about plotting our revenge.

Rather, it’s about first granting ourselves the permission to keep harmful people out of our lives. This can start with a tiny word: “no.” This starts with boundaries.

Boundaries are the simple answer to a short question, “Is this person healthy for me?” Yes… or no?

It goes beyond the stories and the reasons why we insist on giving someone harmful access to our lives; it goes beyond every single extra chance, grace, forgiveness and opportunity.

Is this person harmful? Yes? Then that person is not a friend. That person is a rightful enemy.

Still wrestling with the question? Objectively how would you view someone outside of you, someone you care about, struggling with the same issue?

Would you advise them to stay, put up with it, keep getting hurt? No, you probably wouldn’t do that. You care about them too much to allow them to be harmed.

Well, now it’s time to care about yourself.

Be a friend, not an enemy, to yourself.

Copyright © 2020 by Sheryle Cruse