Friday, December 24, 2021

Self-Care Ideas (To Survive This Holiday Season)

 


Commemorate, If You Can’t Celebrate

 


Okay, so we have all been put through a life gauntlet, fully punctuated by a pandemic.

And now we’re smack dab in the middle of the holiday season. Nothing like easing the pressure.

There’s also been added pressure as we try to resume normalcy in this era of life and death uncertainty. Conflicting reports that we can reunite and gather for the holidays… oh no, now we can’t. Omicron variant. Still not safe. Still, the possibility of a plague spreading.

And while all of that is happening on the macro level, we are living our individual, personal micro-levels lives. Unique pain, struggle, fear, death, and loss. Unique anxiety, uncertainty, dread, illness, and hopelessness. Unique struggling, present tense, as yes, each of us, somehow, some way, is presently tense about life.

It doesn’t seem to look so great. For some of us, we are haunted by a past of trauma and abuse. For some of us, we are just trying to survive the day, forget about thriving in it. For some of us, there is despair, not hope, not love, not joy, not future in our future. It seems unarguably bleak.

So, yes, let’s now place pressure on ourselves to celebrate with holiday lights, excess consumption, and forced get togethers. Many of us have no capacity to do that.

I’ve been in plenty of situations, surrounded by plenty of people who have desired that I “turn that frown upside down.” I have been in rooms of people who would rather I comfort them with untrue, coerced happiness, rather than have them be uncomfortable with my real, harsh, and inconvenient upset.

And especially at this time of year.

After all, after everything we have been through, pandemic and its forced isolation included, who are we to say no to celebrating?

Well, we are the currently struggling, the currently incapable of performing holiday joy and festivity on demand.

I love celebrations; don’t get me wrong. But where I have major issues with celebrations, even this fabulous holiday season we’re in now, is when the party, the meal, the gift-giving, the forced and untrue happy facades are more important than any one individual.

The celebration whole is NOT greater than the sum of its hurting people parts. One person should not be sacrificed for the greater holiday event.

But others may not see it that way. Therefore, we need to go mercenary, rogue, even.

We need to, perhaps, go into hermit mode… and, if we cannot celebrate, then we need to commemorate.

Commemoration is private.

When we think of celebration, we automatically seem to think of a group of people, a party, a social occasion. We think of many people eating, drinking, laughing, talking.

With the holidays, it’s further amplified. Now, we add singing, dancing, perhaps, exchanging gifts, encircling a Christmas tree, a Menorah, lighting some candles, and being surrounded with a lot of stimulation. Everything is altered, lit up, noisy, highlighted, and screaming, “Happy Holidays!” It’s enough to make some of us start construction on a bunker or dig a hole in the nearby snowbank.

Commemoration, however, is a different kind of word. It speaks to a more solitary and quiet occasion. Maybe lonely, maybe grieving. Maybe painful. Commemoration can often denote grief and death. What or who did we lose? How are we doing with that?

What did you and I lose within this last year? Does that answer prompt that we choose, this year, to commemorate instead of celebrate during this season? There is nothing wrong with doing so.

Commemoration is personal.

Celebration also is often associated with the public: the gathering, the party; the assembling of people is put on blast. It might be at a community center, a theatre, a church or a synagogue, or a friend or family member’s home. But it is often away from our home.

Or, if we find ourselves hosting some holiday event, in the name of celebration, we often feel we are invaded. It does not feel like a friendly visitation.

Commemoration, however, again, can possess a solitary quality to it. Yes, there are plenty of commemorative events that are quite public. Yet, often, the personal can get lost or obscured in doing that public treatment. And, because of that, we can, perhaps, feel even lonelier and more hopeless. It becomes about the bells and whistles, the decorations, the event organization, the budget, the overwhelming components attached to the commemoration.

Maybe we need to be private, and ruthlessly personal, right now. Maybe we need to be alone. We can often get shamed for that alone status. People can look at us, and ask, “What’s wrong with you?”

Maybe one thing is. Maybe it’s multiple things. Maybe it’s a death, a crisis, a loss, or a struggle so profound that being around other people hurts us.

There is nothing wrong with you and I choosing to forsake the stressful celebration for the more calming, quiet commemoration. If something means a great deal to us, let’s honor with the corresponding action that best exemplifies a life well-honored. Sometimes, that is being quiet, removed from the self-consciousness we’d encounter from other peoples’ eyes and expectations. We have the right to take care of ourselves… with no one else around.

And, we have the right to heal, as much as we can heal right now.

Commemoration is honest.

Celebration often lies. It disguises itself as happy, as joyful, as carefree, as loving.

But looks can be deceiving. What is truly behind the celebration? What are the ulterior motives?

Social status?

Keeping up with the Jones’?

Money?

Fear?

Obligation?

Guilt?

Doesn’t exactly sound so celebratory, now, does it?

But we try to reassure ourselves and others that “everything is fine.” When nothing could be further from the truth.

If you and I are left to commemorate to ourselves, we maybe stand a better chance in being honest with where we’re at and how we feel.

Who do we need to impress?

There can be a sacredness in the brutal honesty, far removed from prying eyes. Some of us need that right now. Healing is often a quiet, not a noisy, process. And it does its best work,  honestly done. To quote the old saying, it is the best policy.

Therefore, heal in truth.

Commemoration is authentically us.

The private, the personal, the honest have one major thing in common: they all culminate to form us, our true selves. In commemoration, we have an opportunity to be fully ourselves. Without distraction, potential inauthenticity, noise, and pressure from others, we can connect with who we are.

Commemoration can be whatever we decide it to be. It goes even beyond the silent lighting of a candle. It is acknowledging the significance of the pain, the loss, the death, the struggle. It is self-care. It is a real moment and era in time for us. There is no one else’s feelings to protect. There is no public image at stake. There is no expectation from “loves ones.”

Just us, by ourselves.

Celebration cannot give us that as fully. For, as wonderful as it may be, its focus is outward, not inward.

Maybe, right now, what we need the most is inward.

Maybe, celebration is the last thing we need.

No matter how we may choose to experience this holiday season, may we be truly ourselves in it, healing, experiencing the meaningful and the authentic.

Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse

“Commemorate, If You Can’t Celebrate” explores how a quieter approach may be best for us this holiday season.

“Commemorate, If You Can’t Celebrate” explores how a quieter approach may be best for us this holiday season. | elephant journal

Thursday, December 23, 2021

Where the Magic Happens (Outside That Comfort Zone)

 


“The lotus is the most beautiful flower, whose petals open one by one. But it will only grow in the mud. In order to grow and gain wisdom, first you must have the mud --- the obstacles of life and its suffering. ... The mud speaks of the common ground that humans share, no matter what our stations in life. ... Whether we have it all or we have nothing, we are all faced with the same obstacles: sadness, loss, illness, dying and death. If we are to strive as human beings to gain more wisdom, more kindness and more compassion, we must have the intention to grow as a lotus and open each petal one by one. ”
Goldie Hawn

We are creatures of comfort. We don’t like pain and uncertain circumstances. But unfortunately, that is what life is all about- uncertainty. We cannot control all of what we experience while we live. And that’s troubling.

Comfort zone is an oft used term in our culture. Let’s face it, we all want to be in that zone.

Yet, true growth, change and meaning are not found in that comfort but rather outside of it.

I heard about how the majestic eagle deals with its offspring. When helpless eaglets are just hatched, the parents create a cushy nest, safe and warm. There’s no need for the young to get their own food; it is brought to them. They have a luxurious life.

However, as they grow, edging ever closer to adulthood, that cushy nest starts to change. It is no longer the warm and comforting bed it used to be. Gradually, the parents start adding sharp pieces of bone, twigs or even thorns, all for the purpose of encouraging the eaglets out of it. Uncomfortable, the offspring learn it’s best to get out of this prickly nest, fly and soar into their lives.

Discomfort- it can move us into all we are supposed to be in life. However, it’s up to us if we go kicking and screaming or if we embrace the awkward pain of uncertainty. It’s okay to have questions, to feel out of sorts, to stumble. That is human.

“I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

 

And that is where the magic does happen.

Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse

 

 

Traditions: No Effect

 


“Making the word of God of none effect through your tradition, which ye have delivered: and many such like things do ye.”

Mark 7:13

The holiday season is all about traditions. Families build their own, everything from the food to the decorations to the outings.

Traditions can be wonderful. However, seen through the prism of eating disorder rituals, they can be imprisoning.

“Rituals are both a tactic not to eat and also a piece of obsessionality associated with anorexia. When eating disorders are starting, people will try to make it look like they are eating by cutting things up and shifting food around on the plate so as to not draw attention to how little they are eating.”

Cynthia Bulik, PhD, eating disorder specialist at the University of North Carolina- Chapel Hill

Traditions, rituals- it all represents the same unrealistic expectation: perfection, happiness and a sense of safety.

These rituals can be anything such as counting to a specific number how many times one chews his/her food before swallowing, meticulously counting calories or eating from the same bowl and spoon. There’s an exacting precision attached to keeping these behaviors- and a dreadful fear if one is unable to do so.

It certainly doesn’t make the holiday season very joyful. And God has desired abundance for us:

“…I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.”’

John 10:10

Furthermore, God has given us freedom to choose:

 “All things are lawful for me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not.”

1 Corinthians 10:23

“All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.”

1 Corinthians 6:12

For someone struggling with disordered eating, however, that’s easier read than lived.

Yet, if we face our own truth about why we do what we do, fully aware of perfection’s demanding and impossible nature, we can ease up on ourselves and be fully present with the holidays as they occur.

“It may be helpful to realize that the "picture-book" holiday sense is not a reality for many people. Some cannot afford it, there are many single people who are not close to their families or do not have a family, and there are many families that do not fit into the dominant cultural model of "family". Do not blame yourself for family or friendship conflicts. People are not different during the holidays than any other time of the year. Remember that you are responsible only for your own actions and for taking care of yourself.”

NEDIC Bulletin: Vol. 7, Coping With the Holidays

National Eating Disorder Information Centre (NEDIC)

www.nedic.ca

Used with permission

And that’s more powerful and life-giving than any ritual!

Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse

 

 

Not All Surprises Are Bad

 


In recovery from my disordered eating and image issues over the years, one thing I had to face was the complicated, unresolved father/daughter factor in my life. No, I did not get the loving father/daughter relationship I so craved.

It’s taken me years to connect the dots concerning my disordered mindset. Unfortunately, yes, the family environment I experienced played a role.

Families of people with Anorexia Nervosa:

•• Enmeshed, overprotective, conflict-avoiding

•• Unresponsive to patient’s self-expressions

Families of People with Bulimia Nervosa:

•• Parents are critical and detached

•• Characterized by hostile enmeshment

•• Non-nurturing

•• Emotionally unresponsive

Ohio State University FactSheet. Used with permission

Still, within that reality, I’ve had to look at a much bigger factor: the spiritual one. And a large part of my healing has come from seeing how God, as Father, intentionally chose, wanted, desired and loved me, regardless of what my human father did or did not do.

“Since you were precious in my sight… I have loved you…”

Isaiah 43:4

“I have chosen you and have not cast you away.”

Isaiah 41:9

“The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, ‘Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.’”

Jeremiah 31:3

 “The Lord your God in your midst, the Mighty One will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”

Zephaniah 3:17

And, although I cannot change what was concerning my imperfect reality with my dad, I can choose to embrace the real and eternal truth of my father/daughter relationship with God, the ultimate Father.

In the popular television series, “Mad Men,” an episode entitled, “The Fog,” captured a beautiful exchange between the protagonist Don Draper and his daughter, Sally.

In the scene, father and daughter discuss the birth of the family’s second son. Everyone thought it would be a girl, to which Draper responds…

“I thought you were going to be a boy. Not all surprises are bad.”

This heartwarming bit of dialogue again reminds me of how God views each of us through His Fatherly, loving lens. We are specifically loved and chosen.

 All things were made by him; and without him was not anything made that was made.”

John 1:3

There was no regret or second thought about us, about who He created us to be.

Perhaps, you’ve not had the unconditional love experience with your parents. Maybe disorder and addiction have left their marks, fracturing family relationships and healthy self-perceptions. Don’t believe the lie you were a mistake, an accident, unplanned. Nothing could be further from the truth as far as God is concerned! You may have been a “surprise” to someone, but you have been intentionally, spiritually created, with purpose, by God, from the start.

Again…

“Since you were precious in my sight… I have loved you…”

Isaiah 43:4

“I have chosen you and have not cast you away.”

Isaiah 41:9

It’s not too late. Right now, God loves each of us, is thinking about us and desires a wonderful future, filled with restorative love, healing and blessings. Right now.

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

Jeremiah 29:11

Therefore, choose to embrace a loving Father Who knew exactly what He was doing when He created you.

“...I am fearfully and wonderfully made…”

Psalm 139:14

And yes, you will be surprised at just how much, how completely and how uniquely, He will love and connect with you!

Indeed, not all surprises are bad!

Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse

 

 

 

When Sleeping Women Wake...

 


When Things Change...

 


You Kept Going

 


Swan of Beauty...


 

Wednesday, December 22, 2021

The Hungry Hungry Hippo Approach

 


When I was a kid, one of my favorite games was “hungry hungry hippos.”

Ever played it? The goal was to have your hippo, one of four, devour as many of the marbles, positioned in the center of the game, as possible. By the press of the handy dandy levers, each player could control his/her own hippo head and chomp away as the feeding frenzy started.

Fun and games, gluttony and appetite...

Playing that kid’s game started me thinking more and more about these hot button words. They drive disorders and addictions. I know that as someone who’s in recovery from eating disorders of all types, they certainly were giant hippo heads chomping at my life.

Gluttony’s definition lists itself as an “excess in eating or drinking, greedy or excessive indulgence.”

And let’s not forget about the fun word, “appetite,” describing itself as “an instinctive physical desire, especially one for food or drink, a strong wish or urge.”

So, with that, we’re off and running. Chomp away!

Yet we rarely recognize exactly what we’re doing until it’s too late.

“For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice: but what I hate, that I do.”

The Apostle Paul in Romans 7:15

This would probably be a great time to mention I broke OFF one of my hippos’ heads while playing the game as a kid.

Ideally, the game wasn’t supposed to go like this. We children were supposed to play nicely, reasonably chomping for marbles. But inevitably, I got impatient and carried away. It was world domination time. And so, my chomping became faster and harder, snapping for every white marble, bashing heads with another hippo. The loud clatter made my mother come out of the kitchen, just to make sure we weren’t destroying the furniture.

So, the fury intensified until one head bash or marble chomp too many launched my hippo head through the living room. I was now headless and powerless, all because of my marble-hungry attitude.

But there’s nothing new under the sun, according to Ecclesiastes. Once upon a time, just like the kid’s game, there were some clear instructions provided on how to play:

 “And the LORD God commanded the man, saying,’ Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.’”

Genesis 2:16-17

But then temptation came in. It may or may not have even been triggered by trauma. Nevertheless, it was influenced by dissatisfaction, greed and a large dose of cluelessness...

 Now the serpent was more subtle than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, ‘Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?’ And the woman said unto the serpent, ‘We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden: But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.’ And the serpent said unto the woman, ‘Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.’”

Genesis 3:1-5

“And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.”

Genesis 3:6

Eating the apple or obsessively playing a game? Same thing driving it- the “gimme more” demand.

So, now we have blurry guidelines, impulsive decision making and confusion...

 “For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice: but what I hate, that I do.”

The Apostle Paul in Romans 7:15

Wonderful. We go after our cravings, compulsions and addictions and we lose our way.

“All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned everyone to his own way...”

Isaiah 53:6

We just keep chasing our appetites, no matter that doing so brings ruin...

“Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.”

James 1:15

And lookie here, we get still more confused...

“For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice: but what I hate, that I do.”

Romans 7:15

Just like Adam and Eve, we also eventually decide to blame God or someone/something else...

And the man said, ‘The woman whom thou gavest [to be] with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.

And the LORD God said unto the woman, ‘What [is] this [that] thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.’”

Genesis 3:12-13

Now we get it ALL wrong! If there’s any confusion going on, it is not coming from God.

 “For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints.”

1 Corinthians 14:33

We’re the ones who bring the disorder; we choose to recklessly play Hungry Hungry Hippos until our heads come off and our life game breaks.

We don’t fully get we are in a battle, especially if our chosen war toy is something notoriously irresistible, like drugs, alcohol or food. If something remotely looks like a fun or a soothing option, we tend to stick with it.

But, make no mistake about it, according to Romans 7, we are at war.

“But I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin.”

Romans 7:23-25

However, the answer is found within that war, even in spite OF the war: God.

Shocker!

He’s not intimidated or blindsided by our struggles. He knows what’s going on.

“Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall. No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.”

1 Corinthians 10:12-13

“For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.”

Psalms 103:14

And, just like how He responded to Adam and Eve (Genesis 3:14-19; Genesis 3:23-24), He still chooses NOT to pulverize us.

Does that stop us from encountering some consequences? No. Does that mean we’re hopeless? No, it doesn’t. It means we need to turn our hunger, even our hungry hungry hippo hunger, in a different direction: to HIM.  

“For he satisfieth the longing soul, and filleth the hungry soul with goodness.”

Psalms 107:9

There’s a temptation to do a serious eye roll here; it seems too Pollyanna to be true. I know. But let’s stick with the scripture for a second, even in the middle of our battle weary, out of control selves.

And one more thing about battle...the battle is God’s...

Proverbs 21:31 is an often quoted scripture, especially when it comes to trials: “the battle is the Lord’s.”

However, when I did some study on the scripture, what I came across was not the word “battle,” but “victory or “safety” instead. Check out some translations.

New International Version:
“The horse is made ready for the day of battle, but victory rests with the LORD.”

New American Standard Bible:
“The horse is prepared for the day of battle, But victory belongs to the LORD.”

American King James Version:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battle: but safety is of the LORD.”

Douay-Rheims Bible:
“The horse is prepared for the day of battle: but the Lord giveth safety.”

In all of our fury, desperation, appetites and drives, we still, however, often skip over this one important factor: God. And we could be chomping at the bit at Him!

 ...‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’

Matthew 22:37

Furthermore, there’s this little ditty from God to us...

“‘Since you were precious in my sight… I have loved you…’”

Isaiah 43:4

So, the next time we’re hungry, in battle, struggling or resembling a chomping hippo in any way, it might do us some good to remember the winning of the battle has less to do with our performance and more to do with our willingness to let God be God.

“Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.”

Romans 8:37

Recovery speak often calls it a moment of “surrender” or “clarity.”

What if we simply called it being hungry for God?

“For he satisfieth the longing soul, and filleth the hungry soul with goodness.”

Psalms 107:9

No hippo heads required.

Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse

 

Because They Usually Only Abuse

 


They Matter

 


Tuesday, December 21, 2021

Florence Nightingale

 


“You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.”

Deuteronomy 5:20

Who would have guessed a doll could teach me about secrecy and lying?

When I was a child, I received a much-desired china doll, actually named after Florence Nightingale. So, obviously, when my mother bought her for me, I was thrilled, so thrilled, I shared my excitement with the wrong person: my dad.

 “Earthquake, thunder, fire and fathers.”

Japanese Proverb

He was, indeed, abusive. If my dad didn’t have a good day, neither did we. He’d threaten us with each and every infraction. His booming voice would overpower us. Mom, like most abused partners, spent her energy begging and trying to bargain for a less harsh treatment. I would hide, usually unsuccessfully. He’d hunt me until he could corner and terrorize me according to his desired specifications. This explosive yelling period usually lasted two or three days. And then there would next be the silent treatment of anxious tension, lasting another two or three days. Mom and I knew better than to talk to him during this phase. Finally, there would be the relief phase, a return to “normalcy.” We couldn’t predict how or when it would happen. Just suddenly, my dad would start talking to us and we’d resume our lives. He never apologized. Mom and I were just thankful we made it through another round…until the next time he’s unhappy, then, of course, the whole thing would repeat.

Anyway, back to Florence. Here is where I learned how to lie.

The Power of Deceit:

When I made the decision to share my joy about the doll with him, he erupted in anger. Florence was a waste of money spiting his very psyche. Threats and terror were next; he tried to take her away from me.

As that young child, I didn’t know enough about the abuse we lived. I only experienced how “Daddy was mad sometimes.” Adding further complication, as only a child can do, I honestly believed my dad would be happy by my happiness. I hadn’t counted on his wrath. I hadn’t counted on him wanting to hurt me, simply to secure/affirm his power.

I am still astounded I wasn’t physically hurt. I’m equally surprised Florence wasn’t either. He could have easily smashed her china head against a wall.

But, the eruption was trauma enough. Following the abuse cycle our home established all too well, I endured his screaming, laid low as much as possible and immediately hid Florence from his view.

And, in that instant, I learned how truth was not safe, nor desired. My dad didn’t accept the new doll. I learned lying protects; truth hurts. And I ran with it, incorporating that mantra into my forming addictive tendencies.

“He whose tongue is deceitful falls into trouble.”

Proverbs 17:20

I needed to do whatever was necessary. I learned how to make something pretty on the outside, no matter how ugly or painful it is on the inside. And my frustrated wounding eventually manifested in things like eating disorders, perfectionism and constant anxiety. Keep quiet; don’t tell. Be unheard. Continue to walk on eggshells.

Secrecy and deceit were weapons in my arsenal when it came to “staying safe.” No one was interested in the truth anyway. What had honesty gotten me? Punishment? Terror? Screaming? Felling worthless?

I learned, via Florence, anything which brought me happiness was dicey, at best, in the eyes of my dad.

So, no more “show and tell” of any doll or toy I received.

But, more than that, I learned to conceal weakness and desire; he could easily squash it. No more “show and tell” of who was. I employed stoicism. I always had my guard up, because I could never predict when his mood would swing in a menacing direction.

And that only escalated my anxiety: disordered eating, emaciation, suicidal thoughts and an oppressive drive to be the out of reach embodiment of “perfect” were all attempts to survive the warzone, actual or self-imposed.

“The truth shall set you free.”

John 8:32

In the years since, through the various stages of my faith walk, a large form of healing has sprung to my attention: there are no secrets from the Most High.

“I know that thou canst do everything, and that no thought can be withholden from thee.”

Job 42:2

At first, I was freaked out about that. I had visions of Him ordering thunderbolts and lightning strikes to smite me for, well, being me. I was quick to emotionally- and physically- flinch every time I screwed up. Every sin. Every shortcoming. Every less-than-ideal situation.

But then, gradually- and imperfectly- I breathed a spiritual sigh of relief. He knows. Elohim knows. And so far, no traces of lightning singes coming off from my person.

Nevertheless, I could not get around Truth, regardless of my permission or comfort level: I was choosing to participate in behavior which was not healthy.

There is a way that seems right to a man. But its end is the way of death.”

Proverbs 14:12

My addictive tendencies and their assorted behaviors, reverted back to my childish hide and seek game toward Truth. The lessons I learned about secrecy in childhood need not carry over into adulthood.

“Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of Elohim...”

2 Corinthians 10:5

And if they did, as that adult, I had to own my active choice in that.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”

1 Corinthians 13:11

I still have Florence Nightingale. Sometimes, I display her on my book shelf, remembering what I have learned from her.

And part of that lesson involves how nothing is a surprise to the Father of us all. He knows the complicated backstory, the triggers and traumas. He knows how we struggle, cope and fail when it comes to dealing with these factors.

He knows we play hide and seek- especially from Him...especially from ourselves.

He knows.

 “Be not ye therefore like unto them: for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him.”

Matthew 6:8

And that knowing never disqualifies the love.

In all of our experiences and struggles, how do our beliefs concerning truth and secrecy impact each of us, even now? Scripture is clear:

“For nothing is secret, that shall not be made manifest; neither anything hid, that shall not be known and come abroad.”

Luke 8:17

Secrets, silence, lies, denial: they are all heart and life issues. We do learn what we live.

Once we know this then, how do we live WITH that reality?

We choose that response.

Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse