A Narcissist’s Prayer

 

When I was a child, I was at the dinner table with an adult family member and everyone was saying grace, everyone, that is, except this individual.

As a filter-less child, I noticed this and spoke up about it.

“Why isn’t (this person) saying grace?”

Another family member, clearly uncomfortable and trying to do damage control stammered, “Well, (this person) is, in their own way.”

Meanwhile, I saw this non-praying person, the one “praying in their own way,” seethe with raw rage, making the entire table fearful of the wrath that was about to reign down.

Little did I know then, as I know now, I had just witnessed the Narcissist’s Prayer.

I happened upon a post about Narcissism, online, months ago, called the Narcissist’s Prayer.  It goes like this:

That didn’t happen.

And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.

And if it was, it’s not a big deal.

And if it is, that’s not my fault.

And if it was, I didn’t mean it.

And if I did, you deserved it.

Yikes. Yeah.

So, going back to my childhood prayer incident, I saw just how I was, indeed, being taught this prayer, not only by the Narcissist, but by those people surrounding the Narcissist as well.
That didn’t happen.

Cognitive dissonance 101: That thing you experienced? Yeah, you didn’t experience that at all. You’re mistaken. You’re stupid. You’re being silly.

Let’s face it, gaslighting makes things easier on everyone else, doesn’t it? By utilizing gaslighting, people can avoid the discomfort of addressing uncomfortable, confrontational, adversarial truth.

Yeah, that could ruin dinner.

Or confronting the situation could expose abusive, toxic, unhealthy relationships and behaviors that are harmful and not acceptable for anyone to display, at any age.

But, too often, the “adults in the room” determine they know what’s best. And dealing with an issue addressed “out of the mouths of babes” is not what’s best, according to them. It’s inconvenient. It’s unpleasant. It ruins an arrangement, a deal struck, a system that seems to be working “for everyone else.”

Therefore, the decision is made, and the person pointing out something everyone else wishes to ignore, is sacrificed for the greater good: of the family, of the group, of the organization or of the system.

Therefore… that didn’t happen.

BUT IT DID HAPPEN.

As a child, I learned to distrust my gut instincts, deferring to someone’s opinion, “who knew better.” And again, being in that kind of headspace can work great for those people who want to keep the lie or the dysfunction going.

You and I don’t have to be children for that vulnerability to exist. It can happen at any age, with any person, because we are trained to make someone else’s determination more important than our own intuition.

And we need to know, especially if we’ve never been taught or encouraged to embrace this lesson, that we are capable of knowing what’s real, of knowing we are capable for calling a situation accurately.

If something feels off to us, nine times out of ten, it’s off.

And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.

And if it was, it’s not a big deal.

“You’re overreacting.”

Ever been told that?

That must be the pet statement of a Narcissistic system, too invested in controlling other people with cognitive dissonance and gaslighting. The mission is to invalidate, confuse, cause self-doubt, and, therefore, silence and stop anyone who dares to speak out against abuse and mistreatment.

The statement is even more insidious, as it is cloaked in diffusing a situation which, left unchallenged, “could get out of hand.”

So, hush.

Concerning my childhood experience, my observation that the Narcissist was not praying was met with the explanation, ““Well, (this person) is, in their own way.” I was taught to not trust that I knew what praying looked like. I was taught to see that “in their own way,” instead, involved, no actual praying, but explosive rage instead, and then, further minimization of my observations and fears continued from there.

Here, I was instructed, far from the dinner table, that my apprehension wasn’t warranted, all because, concerning this family member, “at least didn’t hit me.”

What?

As a child, I had no idea how to deal with comparative abuse. How could I?
Why did someone have to get hit to have something be wrong, scary, or dangerous? Why was someone else’s interpretation of “what’s really bad” grounds for convincing me I shouldn’t be alarmed by my situation?

Abuse and mistreatment: it’s not a competition for “who had it worse.” All are terrifying and should not be allowed to continue.

But the Narcissist and his/her allies enabling him/her, are all about erecting criteria of why they are right and you and I, the targets of abuse, of any abuse, are wrong. The Narcissist, and those who support that person, are interested in keeping status quo, towing the line, and creating life experiences that are toxic, not healthy. “Healthy” means the Narcissist wouldn’t always get their way.

And we can’t have that happen, now can we?

And if it is, that’s not my fault.

Again, as a child, far from the dinner table, I was schooled on how my “outburst” caused the rage. You know the old phrase, “children should be seen and not heard?” Well, I, as a child, was solely responsible for the rage of this other adult, all because I dared to be both audible and visible. I should know better than to ask a question no one else wanted to answer. Asking a question equaled an unruly, childish outburst. I should know better.

But it wouldn’t have been any different if I had been an adult, questioning the same situation. It wasn’t about the age of the questioner. It was about the forbidden mandate to ask the question, in the first place. That was unacceptable, tantamount to treason of the highest violation. Indeed, doing so, would “go against the family.”

And, as we all know from watching “The Godfather” films, “no one goes against the family.”

So, the defensive strategy toward the vile offender is to punish that person and convince them they are to blame.

I experienced other family members telling me, the child, if I just were quiet, cooperative, and a good little girl, I wouldn’t have upset this person so. Compliance. Failure to go along with that? Well, I guess I internalized the message: I got what was coming to me.

This is a form of cognitive dissonance and gaslighting. It shifts all personal responsibility and rightful accountability, from the abuser to the victim.

“You made me beat you,” in essence.

But again, it doesn’t always have to be extreme physical abuse. It can be the more subtle mental and emotional mind games, planting seeds, deep with us, that we are the problem, the burden, the cause.

We start to believe, “If only we could just act right and be good…”

If only…

And if it was, I didn’t mean it.

Excuses.

They are a staple of many Narcissistic abusers, and the people who support them.

As a child, I absorbed the blame for this grace at the dinner table scenario.

Okay, I reasoned…

 I was wrong to believe this person wasn’t praying.

I was wrong to ask about it and call attention to it.

I was wrong because I got this person mad.

I was wrong because this person was special, and therefore, had full permission to show scary rage.

I was wrong because, no matter what I did or did not do, it wasn’t enough. I was to blame for ALL of it.

That’s an enormous amount of information for any person to carry.

Now, let’s add something more to that cargo, shall we?

As if I wasn’t feeling upset enough, confused enough, and troubled enough, now I had family members telling me such things as “They didn’t mean to do it. They don’t feel very good about themselves inside.”

Are you kidding me?

So, now, I’m supposed to take all of this on the chin because of someone else’s lower self-esteem issues? That is what gets this person yet another free pass?

Again, personal responsibility and accountability for one’s actions were nowhere to be found, at the dinner table, or anywhere else, for that matter.

I was informed, repeatedly, how I needed to make allowances, how I needed to be understanding and tolerant of this person, and their poor behavior. After all, they “couldn’t help it.”

How many of us have been told these things about an abuser? How many of us are gaslit into accepting responsibility for the abuse the abuser caused towards us?

Now, the cognitive dissonance gets ramped up even further. Now we can really enter codependency land. The assertion (the lie) we believe is this:

“Not only am I extremely to blame for my behavior, but I am also responsible and to blame for any other person’s bad behavior, especially if they mistreat me. I am to blame, for everyone’s sins, behaviors, thoughts, words, and deeds.”

And that sets the stage for the last part of the Narcissist’s prayer…

And if I did, you deserved it.

Blame, blame, blame!

Look no further than to you and me, huh?

Not surprisingly, this childhood dinnertime event was not the only time I encountered the Narcissist’s Prayer. It just laid much of the groundwork for the incidents yet to come. And that groundwork taught me the lay of the Narcissistic land:

There are special rules for this person.

Preferential treatment is, of course, a given.

There is a special set of truths for this person in the world.

And they get access to them all.

You cannot partake of any of their perks. For, that is not your role and function.

Yours, good news for you, is merely to serve this Narcissist, to serve this abuser.

That is your lot in life.

Congratulations.

(I’m sure Hallmark makes a card for just this situation).

Indeed, as childhood evolved into adolescence and then into adulthood, I learned, like many of us caught in these abusive dynamics, that we are simply here to endure and be at the mercy of whatever this abusive, disordered, dysfunctional person wants to do with and to us.

It’s not a message we internalize and live from a one-time encounter. It is the daily slights, the daily injustices, the daily injuries, sometimes, even mixed within the “good times,” that have us believing the tenets of this toxic prayer. We know it feels unholy to us. But, because it is normalized so often, we get to a point of resigning ourselves to our fate.

We can believe our prayers are not heard, because the Narcissist’s are. We need only look to the evidence known as our lives. They get carte blanche. We get Hell.

But right here, right now, we need to dismantle that Narcissist’s prayer. It is who that toxic person is, not who we are.

In short…

That didn’t happen.

Yes it DID! You and I witnessed it!

And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.

Yes, it was that bad! It hurt us; it changed us.

And if it was, it’s not a big deal.

It is a big deal. It has affected our lives in significant ways.

And if it is, that’s not my fault.

It is our abuser’s fault. Their choices and actions have consequences. They are responsible for those consequences.

And if it was, I didn’t mean it.

They meant it; it was easier for you and me to absorb blame and shame than it was for them to face what they did. And they let us (or made us) take their issues on because it benefited them to do so.

And if I did, you deserved it.

You and I did not deserve to be abused or mistreated. It didn’t matter what we did or did not do. Someone else abusing us is never right, never acceptable, never good childrearing, never loving, never discipline or something that’s “for our own good.” You and I were harmed. Anything else challenging that is a lie, a manipulation, or a justification. We were harmed and it wasn’t right that we were.

That is the truth.

Let us all say, “Amen!”

Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse

“A Narcissist’s Prayer” addresses the toxic beliefs we believe during abuse.

“A Narcissist’s Prayer” addresses the toxic beliefs we believe during abuse. | elephant journal