At a Dollar Store, I recently picked up these three jade pigs.
Looking at them, they portray the classic sentiment, “See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.”
A tall, virtually impossible, order? Living in the corrupt
world of this modern age?
And, how much more so, when we have been subjected to
abuse?
“See no evil...”
If only we could shut our eyes tightly and have everything
bad and scary go away, huh?
Think about your first memories. What did you see?
For those of us abuse survivors, it’s probably some
expression of violence and fear.
A father and husband beating his wife with his fist… a
cowering child, just trying to stay invisible and safe… a black eye, a busted
lip, a broken arm in a cast or sling… tears streaming down someone’s face…
Just a few examples.
Unfortunately, the scary, violent images we first absorb in
life can be as unique as snowflakes.
Seeing IS Believing: See it and believe it!
Cognitive dissonance often applies to the abusive and
traumatic things we have seen in our lives. We experience cognitive dissonance,
as we struggle to accept that two different witnessed situations are existing
side by side and competing for dominance in our way of thinking. For example,
our abuser, who just hit us, tells us we weren’t hit and that he/she loves
us. Our brains cannot easily handle that. The popular expression, “What has
been seen, cannot be unseen” has made us unhinged.
We cannot “see no evil.” Too late. It’s already
happened.
We must stop minimizing the atrocities that we saw. We need
to admit it was awful, painful, scary, unjust, something that we should never
have seen. We need to do this, even within the potential context/pressure of
the forgiveness argument. That’s all well and good, ideal, in theory,
but in truthfully acknowledging ugly reality, it is the pressing
priority for us. Forgiveness may well come later, but it can often be
weaponized against us as we try to recover.
We’d do well to not let no one talk us out of just how
horrific the evil displays of abuse, violence, and trauma were. We did experience
some evil. And it wasn’t our choice.
Now we need to see healing for ourselves. That’s the
vision, and it doesn’t come by sugarcoating our experiences. We need to call
the horrific abuse ugly and stand by our declaration. Its ugliness doesn’t mean
we are ugly.
“…Hear no evil...”
Scripture tells us, “Faith comes by hearing” (Romans
10:17).
And, for those of us survivors of abuse and trauma, we can
arrive at a type of “bad faith.” We believe the harmful, deceitful,
slanderous, gossip-fueled, and untrue words and messages, such as, but not
limited to…
“You’re stupid!”
“You’ll never amount to anything!”
“You’re a (insert any expletive here)!”
“Hear-say.”
What kind of painful life choices have you and I made because
we believed what we heard- about ourselves and life, itself?
Perhaps, as children, and/or as targets of abuse, at the
mercy of circumstances, we believed the worst messages, the most dishonest and
inaccurate messages, about ourselves. These messages can, unfortunately, become
self-fulfilling prophecies, left unchecked.
So, do we check them?
Can we be brave and pick apart those words, and dissect their
intent? Before we’re tempted to answer, “no,” let’s remember just how brave and
strong we needed to be to survive those adverse circumstances.
Therefore, let’s dare to ask some questions, like…
Who said this to me?
What unhealthy behaviors, addictions, and dynamics were
present when these words were spoken?
What benefit and/or ulterior motive could this person have had
for saying these things?
(In example, a parent was jealous of our talents, and due to their
insecurity, was more interested in feeling better about themselves,
rather than nurturing our development and talents).
These questions, along with their answers, left unexplored
and unaddressed, can create the perfect breeding ground for the second damaging
component and effect of “Hear-say.”
“…Speak No Evil.”
Think about that word for a minute.
There is a connection between what we
hear and what we say. If we’re not careful, we can full-on
perpetuate the things we have heard, making them words of creation. By
parroting something like, “You’re stupid,” about ourselves, we can then
translate the outside party’s voice into our voice. Our psyches, hearing
those damaging, hurtful words, in our own voices, can, therefore, believe
those very words as gospel. The harm, then, gets further perpetuated,
maybe even affecting others, like children.
We pass the damage down to another
generation.
Un-Golden Silence:
Conversely, we can also go to the other extreme: silence. And this
silence can be even more deafening than the spoken harmful word.
We can silently agree with the
harmful word said to us. We give a silent assent to the damaging “hear-say.” We
internalize and corrode as we do not find or use our voices.
“The loss of self coincides with a loss of voice... Voice is
an indicator of self.”
Dana Crowley Jack, “Silencing of the Self”
Giving Voice:
We need to hear ourselves. Our own voices are powerful
sources of authority. We believe what we say. Why else have
affirmations been so big with therapy and self-esteem work?
Perhaps, we’re scared about “not doing it right.” Maybe that
is why we clam up.
But it’s not about perfection. We just need to start. Right
where we are.
There is power in that.
“I am valuable.”
“I am smart.”
“I am loveable.”
“I am a person of unique purpose.”
“I am enough.”
Speak these things. Speak these things to combat the
evil… with the truth. This is the truth of who we really
are.
Evil: Now What?
“See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.”
It’s not that simple. For so many of us, various damage has
already been done. We saw it. We heard it. We spoke it.
The past is in the past, yes; we can’t change it.
However, we can acknowledge and admit, if, to no one
else, then, at least, to ourselves, that yes, it all was real.
For so many of us, that, alone, is a major recovery step. Admission
of ugly truth is a major stride towards healing.
For, with that admission, we can actively,
thoughtfully, decide what that means to and for us. We choose
from a countless array of options, how to live with that truth. We can
exercise power. We do not need to simply “pig out over evil.” We can choose our
lives, in their beautiful and honest entirety.
There’s more to us than the ugliness we have been through.
Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse
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