Thursday, March 31, 2022
Wednesday, March 30, 2022
Sunday, March 27, 2022
The Search For Rejection?
“Actors search for
rejection. If they don’t get it, they reject themselves.”
Charlie Chaplin
As someone
with a theatre background, I’ve often encountered rejection.
I’ve endured
many auditions and have heard my fair share of no. I didn’t look the part,
sound the part, I couldn’t get a handle on a certain accent or I simply was not
“good enough.”
Ah, yes,
“good enough.” For many of us perfectionists and/or recovering addicts, this
little phrase cuts right to the core.
In one way
or another, we are recovering from something in life. And yes, it’s often
fueled by rejection.
Years ago,
when I played the crazy housewife character, Bananas in John Guare’s, “The
House of Blue Leaves,” I behaved like a dog, begging for attention.
It wasn’t my
first stint at begging, however. Like many of us, my rejection issues stemmed
from unmet needs involving my parents. I discuss it in my book, “Thin Enough:
My Spiritual Journey Through the Living Death of an Eating Disorder.”
“I desperately wanted my dad to notice me. I
learned very quickly that one surefire way to do that was by winning awards.
When I won something, I wasn’t completely worthless... I was “earning my keep.”
I set impossible standards for myself.
...For three years in a row, I did
not missed one day of school, knowing that I would win a perfect attendance
certificate, tangible proof on paper that I was worthwhile. It became a
standard I had to maintain because my dad seemed pleased in my performance...
So for the next few years, I went to school with colds, sore throats and
influenza. I remember going to school once with a temperature of over 101,
sitting at my desk, on the verge of throwing up, yet only thinking of that
certificate.
When I reached junior high, I became
so sick once I had to stay home... My dad, who had never really been sick with
so much as a cold, was unsympathetic to my condition. With each passing day I
stayed home from school, the tension mounted... After three days home, he had
enough. He decided he would take me into school to make sure I got there.
On the way to school, he was fuming
and I was scared to death, but my fourteen-year-old mind wanted to know something...
I got up the nerve to ask him, ‘Do you still love me?’ His answer? ‘If you do
this again, I won’t.’
His answer proved it. It was my
fault. I had to prove myself in order to be loved...”
However,
there was an ugly little reality I didn’t want to admit; I was getting a payoff
from the rejection.
Whether it
was an excuse to wallow, a free pass from accountability or just me being a
true drama queen, my rejection perception was giving me something. I say
perception because, let’s get real, nine times out of ten there was no actual
rejection going on at all. It was simply my feelings run amuck.
Furthermore,
I missed one critical Truth that, as an adult, I’m now acknowledging: my dad’s
behavior- or anyone else’s- was not
necessarily The Most High’s response.
He feels and
acts differently when it comes to the love issue:
“...‘Yea, I have loved thee with an
everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.’”
Jeremiah
31:3
Furthermore,
He doesn’t reject.
“I have chosen you and
have not cast you away.”
Isaiah 41:9
"...‘I
will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.’"
Hebrews 13:5
So, where
does all this reveling in rejection come
from?
Again, there
could be a payoff that, perhaps, we get addicted to. Yes, we can get addicted to feelings, unhealthy
drama and chaos.
Pity parties
can feel wonderful. Being intense and moody can give us the illusion of being
powerful. Rejecting ourselves before anyone else gets a crack at us can appear
to de-victimize us.
Scripture
calls us out on the rejection reality concerning each of us:
"We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but
not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed."
2 Corinthians 4:9
Life may deal
some crushing blows, rejection being one of them. However, we need to determine
the true source and the meaning, exactly, of our trials.
No one gets through life unscathed. Pain is
a human experience, not a selective attack.
“I
returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the
battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of
understanding, nor yet favor to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to
them all. “
Ecclesiastes
9:11
So, if we’re feeling rejected, could it be
really, our own doing? And, if so,
are we getting some payoff from the self-inflicted pain? It’s worth searching.
“Search me... and know my heart: try me, and know my
thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way
everlasting.”
Psalms 139:23-24
And, in the meantime,
we can remember a spiritual truth; Elohim never rejects:
“I have chosen you and have not cast you away.”
Isaiah 41:9
"...‘I
will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.’"
Hebrews 13:5
Let’s bask, therefore, in His acceptance. Period.
Copyright © 2022 by
Sheryle Cruse
Friday, March 25, 2022
Speaking the Foreign Language
“Rétablissement” is the French word describing
recovery from illness or injury. Similarly, the
phrase, “être en cure de désintoxication” has as its English translation, “to be in recovery from drugs, alcohol, et cetera.”
I recently stumbled across some
old vocabulary flashcards from my two years of high school French class. Some
things have stuck with me years later, like reciting the alphabet and singing the
Christmas carol, “Silent Night,” à la française.
Yet, as I was flipping through
the flashcards, I was re-reminded of just how much I had forgotten.
Seldom used words...
Factory is “l’usine.”
Waste basket is “la corbeille.”
On and on... you get the idea.
Anyway, these flashcards started
me thinking. In life, learning another language and learning our faith and
recovery are somewhat similar in their principles.
First, we need to acknowledge there
is a language difference.
On the first
day of class, our teacher, Madame Thomas, started speaking only in French. This
spooked us.
For, there
is, indeed, a helplessness when you don’t speak the language. You feel stupid.
And you feel an urgency to get any
kind of better handle on the situation.
But, Madame
Thomas wanted us to, from the start, realize this was not the comfortable
English-speaking situation we were used to. Our limited American experience was
not the only way to live and be. We needed to face that and adapt.
“Toto, we’re
not in Kansas anymore,” so to speak.
Concerning
matters of faith, the dynamic translates to just how little we know and see.
“For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to
face: now I know in part...”
1 Corinthians 13:12
Our
spiritual experience, known as our human lives, involves definitions of our
Creator and our relationship with that Creator. Life challenges us with lessons
on how to navigate that relationship within the constraints of obstacles, pain,
death, loss and, for a certain segment of us, addictions.
Whether it’s
the connected relationship, a healthy recovery process or learning a new
language, we need to recognize we are out of our element. And we need to get
with the program.
Then we need to commit to learning
that language.
With all of
us assembled in Madame Thomas’ class, it was understood we would focus on the
French language.
Not Spanish.
Not Russian. Not German.
French.
By our voluntary
choice of this elective class, none of us could be surprised if that was,
indeed, la langue du jour every blooming day we stepped into the room. We
agreed to the romance language, with its conjugation of verbs and hopefully, some
kind of mastery of basic conversation skills.
Yet, it was
astounding how often we wanted Madame Thomas to speak English over French,
simply because it was easier for us to understand. The path of least
resistance, I suppose. Our so-called commitment to learn a foreign language didn’t
seem to be visible. We wanted to learn it, but not if it was strange to us.
And isn’t
that also the case concerning matters of our faith and/or our recovery? We want
improvement and health, but we want our old ways too. Scripture confronts us on
this agreement/commitment matter:
“Can two walk together, except they be agreed?”
Amos 3:3
We have to
choose. If we want our cake and the luxury of eating it too, we are double
minded.
“A double minded man
is unstable in all his ways.”
James 1:8
With that
perspective, we won’t get much of anything, goals and fulfillment included.
The
discomfort which comes from learning an unfamiliar language taught me,
concerning lifestyle and life quality issues, you cannot have it both ways.
“Let thine eyes look right on, and let thine eyelids look
straight before thee.
Ponder the path of thy feet, and let all thy ways be
established.”
Proverbs 4:25-26
“If ye be
willing and obedient, ye shall eat the good of the land. But if ye refuse and
rebel, ye shall be devoured with the sword: for the mouth of the LORD hath
spoken it.”
Isaiah 1:19-
20
We need to
dismantle our familiar habits. We need to admit we don’t know everything, as
clever as we believe ourselves to be.
Likewise, we
don’t know everything about what is truly best for us. That’s how many of us
have landed in the dysfunction, addiction and current assorted messes we find
ourselves in. Our hearts and minds weren’t fully focused on a particular thing
in the first place, be in language, health or recovery.
And, as some
of my classmates decided, we’d “check out,” losing any enthusiasm we had, in
favor of believing any discouraging and harmful lie.
We believe it won’t work.
We can’t do it.
It’s just not worth the time and
trouble.
But the
clichés of never giving in, pushing past the pain and following through are
true. There is a pleasure in the hard-fought payoff.
With
learning French, it was successfully carrying on a conversation, understanding
and speaking it correctly. And, of course, passing the class.
With health
and recovery matters, it’s about trusting the process. We need to surrender our
“business as usual” attitude and embrace the strange foreign work of sobriety
and making healthy choices. By getting a 30-day chip, examining the drives
compelling us to seek our addictions and enjoying the positive health benefits
of stopping our destructions, we associate our payoff with “doing the work.” That
work begins when we learn and use the word, “help.”
While we’re
on the subject of words, we need to adopt the next principle, as it applies to both
learning other languages and dealing with our life issues.
We need to practice the language.
In my high
school French class, it wasn’t enough to read about the language in textbooks;
we had to also speak it. That meant regular drill sessions from Madame Thomas,
frequently beginning with, “Bonjour, ça va?”
(“Hello, how
are you?”)
Now, if we
responded with stuttering or, heaven forbid, English words, she immediately
retorted with, “En française, s’il vous plaît.”
(In French,
please).
Again, there’s a
theme going on. In French language class, we were required to speak French.
Go figure.
This “no brainer”
concept can also translate spiritually as we pursue both our faith and our
recovery journeys. It’s the rubber meets the road, action-oriented approach.
Do it. Speak it.
Live it.
“The sower soweth the word.”
Mark 4:14
There is no getting
around it: the language will be unfamiliar to us. Without the practice, making
the unfamiliar less so, we will not be fluent in any foreign truth.
“For if anyone is a hearer of the word and
not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his natural face in a mirror; for
once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what
kind of person he was. But one who looks intently at the perfect law, the law
of liberty, and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but an
effectual doer, this man will be blessed in what he does.”
James 1:23-25
It is represented
in not only another culture’s languages, but also in learning our inherent
human value and what constitutes healthy love and grace for us, as documented
in scripture.
“The LORD hath appeared of old unto
me, saying, ‘Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with
lovingkindness have I drawn thee.’”
Jeremiah
31:3
“To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath
made us accepted in the beloved.”
Ephesians 1:6
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the
Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
Jeremiah 29:11
And that reality extends
to the next lesson...
We need to understand there is
purpose regarding that foreign language, object or circumstance, even if/when
it is unfamiliar to us.
“To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose
under the heaven:”
Ecclesiastes 3:1
What is the
purpose of language?
Answer: to teach
and to communicate.
Similarly,
what is the purpose of scripture and spiritual principles?
Answer: to
teach and to communicate.
We may agree
with that theory, but usually, in some way, we fight against it.
Again, we
are back to Madame Thomas’ class. None of us fluently spoke the French
language. All of us, by virtue of our taking the class, said yes to a truth: we
have something to learn.
“For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to
face: now I know in part...”
1 Corinthians 13:12
So,
shouldn’t we be a-learning already?
And here’s
where things can get embarrassing.
Usually, some
personal sense of entitlement pops up. It expects this learning to be easy,
effortless and free from any frustration or obstacle. It demands we should be
given every answer, explanation and solution because we want it.
Cater to us;
indulge us. Pamper us. Speak English to us, France.
There is no
“teach us” to be found for miles.
To
acknowledge our need to learn involves humility. And humility is not nearly as much
fun as entitlement. Let’s be real- we want the fun.
In my French
class, we were taught how, in other, non- English-speaking cultures, like
France, the citizens of that country fully expect any foreign visitors to at
least attempt to speak their language.
And here is
where the unflattering caricature of the obnoxious American tourist emerges. A
French national once spoke to our class, half- amused, half- irritated, as he
shared stories of how easily a French person could immediately spot an American
tourist.
“First of all, they are very loud.
You usually hear them before you see them. And then, once you see them, they
are often dressed very loud as well, wearing a lot of bright colors. Sometimes,
they wear those Hawaiian shirts. We don’t dress like that in France; we wear a
lot of black. And then, they usually approach us to ask for help, speaking only
English, expecting the conversation to be solely in English, not French. And that is offensive to us. They refuse to
acknowledge they are in another culture apart from America.”
He then went
on to describe how, in this frustrated state, some French citizens are even apt
to mess with the American tourist.
“We will give them the wrong
directions or information. We won’t tell them where the closest bathrooms are
located. If they cannot be bothered to try to communicate correctly with us, why should we communicate correctly
with them?”
There’s some
revelation to be found in these cultural experiences, as it involves our spiritual
relationship with the Most High God. For, He, like the French citizen, has repeatedly
come down to our level to relate to, help and teach us, the struggling American
tourist.
“I have chosen you and have not cast you away.”
Isaiah 41:9
“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go:
I will guide you with My eye.”
Psalm 32:8
We, however,
need to properly reciprocate as that vulnerable tourist. We need to put an
effort and a value into learning Who He is and who we are to Him, however incomplete
those lessons may be. It is in this placed priority where the value rests; it’s
our decision to go beyond lip service to full-fledged action.
“The sower soweth the word.”
Mark 4:14
Words,
indeed, eventually frame action. They lead somewhere.
“Through faith we
understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that things which
are seen were not made of things which do appear.”
Hebrews 11:3
Words
translate into a number of other substantial things. If we use or embody any
representation of a word, be it spiritually positive or destructive in nature,
honestly, what are we expecting to be on the flipside of that vocabulary flashcard?
“Be not deceived; God is
not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.”
What are we saying?
What are we meaning?
What are we wanting?
What are we expecting?
How is it translating?
What are we doing with those results
we receive?
And are we truly wanting those
translations?
Oui or Non?
Copyright © 2022 by Sheryle Cruse
The Two Daughters
St.
Augustine once uttered this powerful statement:
“Hope has two beautiful daughters:
anger, at the way things are and courage, to work for change.”
Upon reading
it, my mind went first to the Serenity Prayer and then to how hope plays its
role in addiction and recovery.
“God grant me the serenity to accept
the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”
Indeed, hope
is not a neutral word. We have feelings about it, be they negative or positive.
And, maybe,
that is the first stumbling block. Perhaps we get tangled not in this word and
theory, but rather in its opposite representative: hopelessness.
“Hope deferred maketh the heart
sick...”
Proverbs 13:12
For many of
us, that is all we see concerning our addictions and our issues. And it
spotlights a larger spiritual challenge: we believe our own skewed perception,
rather than trusting in a higher authority. We entertain vain imaginations (2
Corinthians 10:5), erecting them as more powerful than the Most High’s
Divine Nature (Jeremiah 32:27).
Proverbs 26:12 nails it; we are conceited.
“Seest thou a man wise in his own
conceit? There is more hope of a fool than of him.”
Still,
eventually, life comes a-calling, requiring we rouse ourselves from the complacency
and the self-defeating attitudes we possess concerning hope.
St.
Augustine’s quote may not directly manifest verbatim. More often, a direct
revelation slaps us instead:
“We’re sick and tired of being sick
and tired.”
Maybe we are
literally lying in a pool of our own sick. Maybe we’ve lost a passion for life.
Maybe we’ve had hard destruction show us just how much addiction steals and
kills.
But, part of
Divine Providence’s great love for us involves the startling, uncomfortable
wakeup call. And there is no longer any snooze button to press concerning ourselves.
We are forced to admit...
“For what I am doing, I do not understand...”
Romans 7:15
The hope
daughters, often nestled within the Serenity Prayer, show us we need to
approach a number of things, including our attitude toward hope itself, differently.
First, we need to make the decision.
The crux of
much of this component’s complexity involves
the word, “grant.”
“God grant me the serenity to accept
the things I cannot change...”
“Grant” conveys we
have picked a perspective; it is a call to action. Only, here, in the prayer’s
context, we are asking for Divine guidance to take the lead.
When we ask
“grant” in the Most High’s direction, it conveys we are decided His way is
better than ours and much-needed. Therefore, hope’s two daughters, solidify our
commitment to change and health instead of same-old, same old dysfunction and
disease.
All well and
good, unless we interrupt that with our disordered, stubborn selves and insist
on taking the decision back and sabotaging that single-minded decision.
“A double minded
man is unstable in all his
ways.”
James 1:8
And come on,
as addicts, this is natural and easy to do. For, whether or not we know it,
many of us are still fixated on the hopelessness.
One can
argue, I suppose, we are ADDICTED TO that hopelessness.
If things
are bleak, why even try? If things are only doom and gloom, why not slide into
oblivion with our beloved addiction? Nothing- and no one- else matters.
And it takes
conscious, deliberate, unpleasant work to confront and replace that.
If we insist
on remaining selfish, then, inevitably, we are here...
“For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder
and every evil thing.”
James 3: 16
At first
glance, we may delude ourselves into thinking we are living the life. Yes,
things are exactly how we want them. Drunken stupors, binges, spending sprees,
reckless behaviors and irresponsibility may be fun for AWHILE, but there is a
price tag attached. And life is quite a collection agent. Sooner or later...
“...when it is full-grown, gives birth to
death.”
James 1:15
Death often
gets our attention. It doesn’t need to be the death of a person either. Death
can happen to anything, including potential, relationships, career, good health
and peace.
And, when
this death comes, the hopelessness, again, rears its ugly head, attempting to
convince us, of all things, Elohim is responsible, not us.
Pretty
audacious, huh?
We all
arrive at this misguided conclusion. Because it’s easier than being accountable
for our hearts, minds and subsequent decisions and actions.
Yet none of
that attitude will prevent spiritual truth. We are smacked with 1
Corinthians
14:33’s meaning.
“For God is not the author of confusion, but of
peace...”
However,
many of us, especially if we are struggling with addiction, can tend to view
this scripture as this...
“For God is not the
author of difficult, painful solutions, but of easy, pain and
change-free peace...”
We want a
different book, author and reality; we want our passive indulgence. We’re not
interested in, again, doing the work of hope.
But, until
we hang out with the two daughters, our lives will continue to slide into
further mess.
And, just
like life, where we don’t have to like every person, we don’t even have to LIKE
these two hope daughters. We don’t have to like “anger, at the way things are and courage, to work for change.”
But, if we
are “sick and tired of being sick and
tired,” then, we’re going to have to embrace this conclusion...
We have to DO something differently
concerning what we both accept and change:
“...courage to change the things I
can...”
Addiction is
not courage; it’s fear. Addiction cowers from challenging life circumstances in
attempt to avoid the unpleasant truth. It hides, lies and denies.
“Uphold me according unto thy word,
that I may live: and let me not be ashamed of my hope.”
Psalms 119:116
We, as
addicts, need not be ashamed of that fear. But we are not exempt from facing
it. Courage is a skill.
We need to
decide and act upon Divine hope’s two daughters in our lives; and that takes
courage.
We are not
left alone in that pursuit.
“Your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, ‘This is the
way, walk in it, whenever you turn to the right hand, and whenever turn to the
left.’”
Isaiah 30:21
As far as
“the way” is concerned, it’s not as mystical as we’d believe it to be. Rather,
it is often the practical, unglamorous and unpleasant.
“For precept must be upon precept, precept upon
precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little:”
Isaiah 28:10
It is such
things as a Twelve Step program, an accountability-oriented sponsor mentoring
our choices, unflinching therapy to address past trauma and, underscoring any
and all education and help avenues, our honest willingness to participate in
those “ways.”
Indeed, when
we “stop fighting our help,” an unexpected result often occurs: hope-filled
joy.
“Therefore my heart is glad, and my
glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in hope.”
Psalms 16:9
Yes, rest
happens. The burden is lightened, as our unhealthy addictive behavior changes
enough to remove its destruction. Our Creator’s desired plans for us now have
more room in which to flourish.
But, again, here is a tricky thing concerning
even that rest: there is a work there. There is a decision and an effort we
need to execute.
“The eyes of your understanding being
enlightened; that ye may know what is the hope of his calling, and what the
riches of the glory of his inheritance in the saints,”
Ephesians 1:18
And so,
we need to piggyback on Ephesians’ instruction.
We realize we are not the only factor
in the equation (cue Divine Wisdom):
“... and wisdom to know the
difference.”
All roads lead back to our Source.
“O LORD, I know that the way of man
is not in himself: it is not in man that walketh to direct his steps.”
Jeremiah 10:23
The Almighty comes from a place of hope and
infinite possibility. For us, this is often easier said than it is lived.
Nevertheless, hope’s two daughters challenge
us with action, change, the unfamiliar and the dreaded “p” word: patience.
“But if we hope for that we see not,
then do we with patience wait for it.”
Romans 8:25
Motivational anger and its wisdom show us
there is more to who and where we are now.
“...anger, at the way things are...”
Divine discontent keeps us growing toward the
fuller human beings we are created to be. Addiction stunts that process. And,
of course, Elohim is not about stagnation.
Therefore, our Creator, wanting our ultimate
good, will work with- and in spite of- imperfect circumstances.
“... and courage, to work for
change.”
He will specifically create learning labs
which work to improve our lives and enhance the blessing He wants to give to us
individually.
“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go:
I will guide you with My eye.”
Psalm 32:8
We all need to challenge and change our
associations with and approaches to hope.
What many of us already believe about it is an
effortless, passive reality. We don’t connect the dots between hope and decided
effort on our part.
We just, somehow, hope that hope will manifest
automatically, easily and magically fix things.
But this is unrealistic. Yes, hope is a
wonderful blessing. But it is not far removed from a scripture most of us never
consider:
“Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work.”
Exodus 20:9
It’s not to promote rigid legalism. Rather, we
need to remember hope, recovery and healthy attitudes and choices are ALL daily
habits. They don’t just arrive on their own. We need to do our part in the
process.
If we choose to engage in this process, it is
simply a matter of time before we realize St. Augustine was spot on about
hope’s two daughters: they are, indeed, beautiful.
Copyright © 2022 by Sheryle Cruse
The Judas Addiction
“...‘Judas, betrayest... with a kiss?’”
Judas evokes betrayal. And, it wasn’t
too long before I saw addiction itself within this Judas figure.
Scripture
tells us a great deal about the infamous man and his downfall. Who knows
exactly what motivated him? Greed? Fear? Misguided intentions? Regardless of
what it was, he seemed to be driven to follow this addictive mindset.
So,
perhaps, the cycle of addiction is not too far removed from Judas.
“Then Satan entered Judas, called
Iscariot, one of the Twelve...”
There
has been debate as to whether or not he was demonically possessed.
But
Luke
22:3, nevertheless, speaks to a powerful force which overtakes his
humanity. And I see similarities as we struggle with our own “demons.” Addiction
is all-consuming. It inhabits the soul of its host: the mind, the will and the
emotion. It includes...
- Frustration
and internal pain that leads to anxiety and a demand for relief of these
symptoms
- Fantasizing
about using alcohol and drugs or behaviors to relieve the uncomfortable
symptoms
- Obsessing
about using drugs and alcohol and how his or her life will be after the
use of substances*
Like
Judas, we fantasize, obsess and create unrealistic expectations of solution and
perfect lives, often tied to that addiction as the answer.
- Engaging
in the addictive activity, such as using substances to gain relief (acting
out)
- Losing
control over the behavior*
So
the next behaviors, employed to attain those results, aren’t too surprising.
“And Judas went to the
chief priests and the officers of the temple guard and discussed with them how
he might betray Jesus. They
were delighted and agreed to give him money.
Judas,
as supposedly one of the beloved disciples, seems to act out of character toward
his much-loved friend.
“He
consented, and watched for an opportunity to hand Jesus over to them when no
crowd was present.”
He
is compelled to arrange for and execute a questionable plan. And, it comes to a
head under cover of night in the garden of Gethsemane.
“While he was still speaking a crowd came up, and the man
who was called Judas, one of the Twelve, was leading them...”
Luke 22: 47
What
follows is the infamous betrayal kiss...
“...He approached Jesus to kiss him.”
Luke 22: 47
And the disturbing,
famous response TO it…
“...‘Judas, betrayest thou the Son of man with
a kiss?’”
We aren’t
privy to Judas’ immediate reaction to that question. But we do see some
disturbed responses recorded later.
“When
Judas, who had betrayed him, saw that Jesus was condemned, he was seized with
remorse and returned the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and the
elders. ‘I have sinned... for I have betrayed innocent blood.’
‘What
is that to us?’ they replied. ‘That’s your responsibility.’
So
Judas threw the money into the temple and left. Then he went away and hanged
himself.
Matthew 27:3-10
“Seized with
remorse?” Much like the addict in addiction…
- Developing
feelings of remorse, guilt and shame, which lead to feelings of
dissatisfaction*
Check out Acts 1:18-19 if
you want even more gruesome details.
Judas displays the
guilt and shame he feels by his attempts to return the money and “undo” the
betrayal. But, it was useless; the damage was done.
And, further contributing to
the ugliness, the addict and Judas also have this in common: desperate broken
promises which contribute to more self-destruction.
·
Making
a promise or resolve to oneself to stop the behavior or substance use*
“‘I
have sinned... for I have betrayed innocent blood...’
So
Judas threw the money into the temple and left. Then he went away and hanged
himself.
Matthew 27:4-5
“I have sinned” is the
addict equivalent to saying, “I’m sorry” or, in recovery language, to “make
amends.”
It may be a well-intentioned
gesture. Still, while making it, there is no guarantee it will be accepted and all
negative consequences reversed. The damage, to some extent, has been done.
Here is a critical juncture we
see in both Judas and the addict: desperate actions, fueled by hopelessness-
even including that of a death wish mentality.
No, not every addict commits
suicide. Nevertheless, the self-destructive mindset can be difficult for the
individual to eradicate. For many, there has existed a desire for obliteration,
to passively commit suicide by “giving up,” by his/her resignation to despair
and apathy.
The death wish, one can
argue, is automatically built into the addiction. Brain chemistry, perhaps, plays
its own strong, ever-risky, part in that state of mind.
“…Individuals with naturally low levels of dopamine
are susceptible to substance abuse because (they)... cause an abnormally large surge
in dopamine levels, activating the pleasure response... the brain will become
exhausted by the surges of dopamine and begin producing less and less of its
own as a result. This chemical response... produces physical dependency... to
the now exacerbated dopamine deficiency...”
“5 Ways You Are Physiologically Predisposed
for Addiction,” “Behavioral Health, Science and Nature” by Dane O'Leary; www.rehabs.com
And that leads to the
following...
After
a period of time, the pain returns, and the addict begins to experience the
fantasies of using substances again...*
The phrase, “vicious cycle”
springs to mind.
Would Judas have chosen life
over suicide, only later to have eventually fallen back into self-destructive
choices? There is no way of knowing for sure.
And, similarly, for the addict,
there is no way of predicting how someone will handle future decisions,
including recovery.
It is a gamble. After all, for
many of us, “relapse is part of recovery.”
Yet, realistically embracing
this fragility can be its own helpful tool.
And this is, perhaps, the
lesson we can learn, a lesson Judas did not choose to accept: forgiveness-
even, of oneself.
“And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your
Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”
It’s
not a license to flounder in disease; it is grace applied to its complex reality.
Each
of us has that vulnerability, one which compels us to use, exploit, betray or
destroy. We have all been our own worst Judas. And we have extended that
betrayer outside of ourselves as well.
Addiction
is a spiritual issue, beyond religion. It is a persistent, multi-faceted
challenge, calling to our attention the deeper issues of life, health and
faith.
And
betrayal of spirit, mind and body is a possibility in these issues.
The
old adage proclaims, “The application of knowledge is power.”
This
may not be the kind of knowledge we wish to learn or apply. But this sobriety,
this Judas awareness, all the same, needs to be in conjunction with our
recovery programs.
For
we addicts know, all too well, just how we can betray with our addict kiss.
*“Cycle of Addiction,” www.recoveryconnection.com
Copyright © 2022 by Sheryle Cruse
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