The Grooming Line

 

The Miracle of “Are You Okay?”

 

When I was deeply grief-stricken over a family member, years ago, I experienced one incident of humane kindness. Like a lot of us out there who encounter grief, I tried to resume my normal daily life. I tried to get on with things. That meant taking the bus to get to where I needed to go. A bus ride. Not all that taxing. Nothing, seemingly, upsetting about it, right?

But I was having a hard time making my life happen. Grief had disrupted it. Already incredibly sleep deprived for weeks, my nerves were jagged. Emotions were heightened. And I could cry easily and intensely out of thin air.

As I was waiting for my bus, I indeed, felt the tears racing to my eyes. I felt the pounding pressure of upset. As I sat on that bus stop’s bench, I dreaded completely losing it as I was out in the open, out in public, with no shelter to hide my raw sadness.

Just then, I hear the whoosh of the bus door opening. I am around, perhaps, a half dozen fellow riders, all inching along, waiting to board the connection. I was on the verge of gushing tears, feeling the pressure of them now. I was going to blow.

As I’m trying to keep it together, some of the fellow riders are jockeying for position, arguing about where, exactly, to sit. It’s agony. I just wanted to sit down and try to stifle my grief with some modicum of privacy. One young man in the group, apparently, noticed my distress. And, with a loving tone in his voice, quietly stated, “Here, you can sit right here. Are you okay?”

Grateful, I nodded, thanked him in a barely audible voice, and sat down. And the rest of the motley passengers were ushered away from me, eventually settling in their own seats. I composed myself as much as I could and went home.

“Are you Okay?”

You and I hear that a lot in daily life. It can cover things like a life-threatening incident, a person struggling with mental health issues, someone we may have inadvertently bumped into or tripped, an accident of some kind, or it can be simply checking on a person who is having a rough time in their lives.

I recently came across this sentiment online:

“Some stranger somewhere still remembers you because you were kind to them when no one else was.”

To me, I had that experiential evidence of the “Are you Okay?” question.

An Antidote to Cruel Life:

Hustle and bustle. Making a buck. Dropping the kids off. Traffic. Life. Cruel life.

Sooner or later, we all encounter its harshness, even with grief, loss, and death interrupting our regularly scheduled programs. Let’s not forget, everyone: a pandemic. Things have taken an even more exaggerated cruelty in life for us. It appears that life neither cares, nor slows down for our personal struggles.

And perhaps, with good reason. After all, concerning life, “it’s nothing personal.”Scripture states, “time and chance happen to us all” (Ecclesiastes 9:11).

With that brutality, then, is it any wonder how kindness, from even a stranger, can register so profoundly for us. It is a kindness reminder. An example of Divinity and humanity, all at the same time. And we are all capable of experiencing it, whether we’re the instigator or the recipient.

Whichever one we are, pick up the cue, the gentle reminder. Kindness need not be on a first-name basis. It often works best, stranger to stranger.

What is not okay right now?

Can you help?

Can you be helped?

What is stopping you from the experience?

Most of us can probably safely say it is a matter of low self-worth. We don’t feel good enough, capable enough, deserving enough. But most of us can tell when something is off, with others or with ourselves. Most of us can pick up on “not right” cues of pain and distress.

And most of us, when in doubt, can ask the “Are you okay?” question of ourselves or others. And then we can apply kindness. It can be quiet, unassuming, and filled with dignity. It’s about response.

And we all need and deserve response.

That young man did not call other people’s attention to my distress on the bus. He asked about my welfare and provided a need I had to sit down and compose myself.

I remember the genuine care from that stranger. He knew nothing of my backstory or my grief. He knew I needed some attention. That’s all.

And that is what keeps me remembering him, almost twenty years later.

Connection:

Grief, estrangement, and major life changes are just a few of the challenges we experience that inform us we are alone. We are disconnected. We have an alone illusion.

“Are you okay?” can then serve to remind us of connection. That really is what we seek, when we pursue love, friendship, success, fame, wealth, or power. Connection. We want to experience the commonality of humanity. The shared burden and awareness that we are not alone; we connect with another person who utters, “Me, too!” And there is a calm peace and reassurance.

What is not okay right now?

What tells you that you are alone?

What would it take to convince you there are people who will love, care, and help you?

“Are you okay?” can be that short, simple question that jerks us out of alone illusion to connection. The bus incident I had years ago broke the forsaken spell I was wallowing in as I was grieving. There’s no wrong way to grieve; wallowing can be a natural part of the process. However, genuine human concern still exists. And we need to remember that.

And yes, I’ sure you have heard about the healing power of helping others to aid in healing ourselves. There is significance to that, yes. However, we need to remember to keep realistic, compassionate expectations if we want to help someone else. We can set ourselves up for devastating failure if we become too ambitious of a savior when we are still bleeding ourselves.

Start small. Find a small way to ask someone, “Are you okay?”

And get help no matter what, no matter if it is for another person or for yourself.

MANY hands make healing and light work. Find and take those hands.

An Inspired Opportunity:

Sooner or later, life teaches us all that it’s a case of when, not if, we encounter someone who needs help. This is, therefore, another opportunity/reminder for Providence. Our Higher Power, God, The Universe, the Big Kahuna often has an “Are you okay?” moment invading our space to teach us that yes, we matter, are loved and valuable, and are not forgotten.

This was, I believe, the case with me, years ago. Again, I was gutted with complicated grief, feeling every bit forsaken, forlorn, and forgotten, left to only drown in my bitter tears.

What is not okay right now?

As I tried, unsuccessfully, to resume my “normal life,” post-grief, everything felt impossible and desolate.

I suppose it’s fitting, then, that this “Are you okay?” incident happened while I was waiting for the bus, after going to church one Sunday morning. I should have felt comforted, in Divine and relational communion, after worshipping with others for an hour. But instead, I felt completely alone, defective, and ashamed that I couldn’t feel more spiritually joyous.

There’s nothing like self-flogging with punishing shame to boost your faith walk, eh?

It was in that precise moment, sitting on the bench at the bus stop, that I would meet my “Are you okay?” Divine intervention. The young man who saw my distress, showed concerned, and asked me that question had no idea I’d just come from church. That didn’t hinder him from his kind gesture. And with that kind gesture, I felt I experienced more of a direct link with my Creator than I had within that church building earlier that morning.

Whether or not we are not okay, or we witness someone else not being okay, we are in a moment for something larger than our mere selves to materialize. We can come up higher, either being uplifted by someone’s kindness and gentle concern, or we can network with the Divine and help others. Either way, it’s about being receptive. Sometimes, healing works at its best in this capacity.

A Stranger Remembers: Are You Okay?

It’s like the line from “It’s a Wonderful Life.”

You know, “Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings.” Perhaps, right now, there is someone remembering a kind gesture you and I did for them. Perhaps it is us who are remembering a kindness done to/for us.

“Are you okay?”

No matter what we experience in life, you and I have the possibility of being blessed by this inquiry.  The blessing comes, asked as a question, and, ultimately, answered as kind human exchange.

It’s a little thing, but it’s a big thing. As are the most meaningful things in life.

Copyright © 2022 by Sheryle Cruse

Check the Check Engine Light

 

I recently had some hindsight revelations about ignoring the gut instinct.

First Blinking: Not “Business as Usual” Business:

Years ago, my husband and I were relocating to a new apartment complex.

Right from the jump, it seemed to be an exercise in red flags. We met the apartment manager; let’s call her “Lissy.” When we shook hands with her, it was like grabbing a limp fish. There was a passivity and an apathy to the introduction. It was a signpost of things to come, things we should not have ignored.

But despite Lissy’s fish handshake, we took the apartment. We called the movers, packed our way-too-much- stuff into boxes and believed this move was going to be good for us.

Eh, not so fast.

Let’s see how moving day went, shall we?

Around nine in the morning, as we gathered our stuff, and our spicy calico cats, we got a phone call from Lissy.

It turned out we could not move into the apartment that day… the agreed upon day, listed in our lease…on the first day of the month.

What? Why NOT?

She “explained” that the previous tenant had moved out last minute and left it in dire need of repair.

Oh, and Lissy was “sorry.”

Um, that lip service was pretty, but it didn’t change the fact that we had shelled out massive moolah for the movers that were scheduled to arrive at the new apartment and unload our stuff that day.

The train was leaving the station; it was already in transit.

So, after arriving at the leasing office, we demanded the apartment complex foot the bill for the extra move-in day. Our movers would need to shlep our way-too-much-stuff to a different location, a temporary squatter’s dwelling place, offered to us for the duration of the apartment’s repairs.

As I was on the phone, laying out the situation to the movers, I asked for Lissy’s full name. The movers would be in contact with her for the obvious payment arrangements. In response to my question, she only gave her first name. Like Cher. Like Prince. Like Madonna.

I quickly grabbed a business card I spotted on her desk and read her full name to the movers. My husband and I fought to keep our cool, as we were given the address to our temporary dwelling place.

Oh, and we asked if we could see the “in shambles” apartment for ourselves before we left.

Not surprisingly, Lissy told us “no.”

“Hmmm… Why Not?” (I silently simmered).

But we didn’t challenge things. We were exhausted and it was barely ten in the morning now. We just wanted to be squatters in our temporary home, surrounded by packed boxes, living out of them. We would have three weeks of this fun to look forward to.

Oh, let’s get started now.

“Hmmm… Why Not?”

What we do we do when you and I are stuck in moments of “Hmmm… Why (or Why Not?)”

We all have them.

Where there are question marks, there are usually some exclamation points.

We experience some odd behavior or interaction that JUST doesn’t track well. Our check engine light, known as our intuition, is blinking furiously, alerting us that all is not well, and certainly NOT to be trusted at face value. But we dismiss the question mark, the check engine light, the gut reaction that blares at us.

We often like to, instead, “explain” it away…

“Well, I’m sure it’s a simple mistake…”

“Anyone can have a bad day…”

“I’m sure my boyfriend and this woman are “just friends…”

But the simple mistake and the bad day keep happening over and over.

And we caught that boyfriend having sex with this new girl on our brand-new couch (adding new furniture insult to current relationship injury).

What is getting our check engine light attention?

And what are we refusing to admit or see?

It’s probably worth taking a second look, isn’t it?

More Check Engine Blinking: Outright Lies:

Okay, so back to the apartment saga.

Hubby and I are dwelling amongst our boxes in this temporary abode. Finally, we get word from Lissy that our actual apartment is ready, is fully repaired and is complete with angel choir to serenade our arrival.

Move-in day, take two then.

Our stuff travels from temporary dwelling place to “permanent” apartment home. Second time’s the charm, perhaps?

The day went smoothly, uneventful. No dishes were broken; we got the cable hooked up. Free and clear, hallelujah, right?

(Come on, you know what’s coming).

We moved in on a Friday. There were no leasing office business hours on weekends. I mention this because, first thing, when we woke up on Saturday morning, we encountered multiple cockroaches squirming around our cats’ food and water dishes!

How’s that for a welcome wagon?

After the initial freak out, my husband and I had no choice other than to ride out the weekend with our disgusting nocturnal roomies.

Did I mention how much fun it was to participate in this nocturnal activity?

Our sleep deprived states were further heightened as both of our cats were especially stimulated by these night creatures; they viewed them only viewed as their prey. One of our cats loved grabbing a roach in her mouth and whisking herself into our bedroom to drop her wiggly prey onto the carpet at all hours of the night.

Fun.

First thing, Monday morning, I phoned Lissy, bringing up the roaches.

“Oh, really?’ was her response. She seemed surprised.

I’d soon find out she was lying.

Liar, Liar, What’s on Fire?

We have all be lied to. But, at what point, do we override our instincts to willingly choose to believe the lies?

Primrose path. This explanation connects to that explanation… and so on, and so forth.

Yet, often, when we get to the end of the explanations, all that is left is a lie. What’s yours?

A relationship that’s been on the skids for years, only to have an explosion, confirming a lie?

How about a business deal that seems to be too good to be true, going exactly your way… until it sells you out?

How about that one person in your life you thought would NEVER betray you until one day, Hello, Judas?

Our check engine light detects the presence of lies, even if all we see are happy, uneventful truths and fairytale endings.

Our intuition knows better.

What does your intuition know, right now, that you are clueless about?

More Check Engine Blinking, More Lies:

So, I spoke to Lissy about the roaches first thing on Monday morning. She seemed surprised, but I was already suspicious.

We had not been able to move in on the original lease date because the previous tenant moved out at the last minute and trashed the joint. Uh-huh.

We were denied our request to see the trashed apartment before we spent the next few weeks in a temporary residence. Uh-huh.

And now, her innocent, wide-eyed reaction to the creepy crawlies. Uh-huh.

Nope. Not buying it.

So, I insisted on an action plan to rid the roaches. Not too unreasonable, right?

I was informed that the current exterminator they used would be in touch with me shortly.

Uh-huh.

Upon meeting this guy, I gingerly asked if he had been treating this complex for more than this “isolated” incident. He did not answer, but the pregnant pause and look on his face told me what I needed to know. This place was infested. Plus, when the exterminator arrived at our apartment, fellow neighbor tenants peeked out the doors and knocked on mine, asking when their apartments would be dealt with also.

Uh-huh.

Can you hear my boiling blood? Shall I put on some music to drown out its sound?

What I DID find out from Mr. Exterminator was that he had diligently been on the scene for the past three weeks.

The past three weeks.

Uh-huh.

Unbeknownst to us, the new, trusting tenants.

So, far, the extermination was not that effective, because, well, roaches. Night after night now, they were creeping nocturnally, keeping us up at night all night, forcing me to keep the lights on at night, so that they would be kept somewhat at bay.

Yet, the leasing office and our new BFF, Lissy, kept minimizing and downplaying how bad all of it was.

(Easy for you to say. You’re well-rested in your roach-free home).

Anyway, supposedly, the exterminator stepped things up. But the bug action continued. In fact, it got worse. Now, these night creatures were visible and crawling around during the day.

Especially unnerving was when the roaches were dazed and confused, crawling on the ceilings, right above our heads. By this point, I wanted to live outside, safely under the open sky. No danger of roaches pelting me from above that way!

This was not working. So, I called the city’s health inspector. This WAS a health and safety issue. Roaches can carry disease; they certainly weren’t hygienic. And we couldn’t get a good night’s sleep.

A couple of days later, a health inspection walked throughout our apartment and the ones nearby, including units one floor below us. While we’re all doing this fun walkthrough, I asked Lissy for a copy of the extermination order, set up a few weeks’ earlier. This followed on the heels of the health inspector, busting her on how she should have not withheld this information from us, as the new tenants.

She produced copies of the extermination order, and I discovered something “curious.” At the exact time of nine or ten in the morning, while we were in the leasing office, dealing with one-name Lissy, making new arrangements with the movers and temporarily being relocated, the exterminators were spraying creepy crawlies. That was why we could we not see that apartment. We would see the bug guy… and the corresponding bugs. We would catch Lissy and the entire apartment management company in a big fat lie!

It took us being displaced, being disturbed by our undeniably predatory feline cats, roping in a city health inspector, who subsequently, gave the apartment complex a hefty fine from that city, and employing an entomologist carpet bombing the roaches, all to shine light on this lie and work toward a solution.

If only we had checked all of the check engine lights that were insistently blinking. If only.

How Many Check Engine Lights Does It Take to Screw in a Lightbulb?

It feels like the setup to a bad joke, doesn’t it? We keep getting signs that we somehow, keep ignoring.

The lipstick on the collar…

The hang up phone calls…

The person who never seems to be where they say they will be…

The multiple stone- in- our- stomach feelings as we try to convince ourselves that something is “okay…”

The Check Engine Light Means Business the First Time.

How many times do we need to keep experiencing this wrongness BEFORE we BELIEVE it?

Intuition is there for our safety: physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. The check engine light blinks only to get our attention and bring us to safety.

Something is wrong, dangerous, unhealthy.

Blink, blink! Pay Attention!

Unfortunately, that can be inconvenient. Scary. Messy. Not fun. Not what we want at the time. So, we talk ourselves out of the warning.

It’s nothing…

It’s my imagination…

It’s not that bad…

It’s too good to pass up…

On and on. You get the point. We all get the point. Yet, we all seem to have a habit of ignoring that check engine light.

My personal hindsight: we should have run from Lissy’s fishy handshake. We should have demanded to see the buggy apartment.

Shoulda, coulda, woulda.

We can all visit that land from time to time. I do. My passport is up-to-date.

Still, what happened cannot be changed. Bad vibes, lies, displacement, roaches.

But I learned what happens when you repeatedly hush the intuition that tells you to pay attention to something that is not right.

Therefore, overs the years, I have been learning to heed that check engine light. I pay attention when a person seems a little too hinky or creepy for comfort. I don’t hang around them. If a situation doesn’t feel right, for any reason, I no longer give it the “benefit of the doubt.” Doing so could be harmful to me now. I know that.

Each of us has our own check engine light; it’s not just bestowed on a lucky few. We can tap into what that message system is trying to tell us. It takes time and, yes, practice.

But you and I can learn the life lessons that are there for the taking, should we decide to take them up on their offers to teach us.

And hopefully, we can also avoid cockroaches in our futures.

Copyright © 2022 by Sheryle Cruse

Just Existing on Some Days

 

The Real Prize

 

It's Crossed the Line

 

Best of You

 

The Dartboard of Trust

 

The Barbed Wire Walk

 “The Barbed Wire Walk” encourages us along life’s dangerous tunnel situations. | elephant journal

I’m Sorry (But Should I Be)?

 

As a kid, I had my share of permission notes. They applied to any school absence, due to illness, doctor’s appointments, or family emergencies. They always stated, “Please Excuse Sheryle…”

I learned, early on, through these innocent permission notes, to believe I was wrong and needed to apologize for being myself.

 I learned to over-apologize.

I learned- I internalized- some faulty core beliefs, beliefs that necessitated constant apologies. Things like…

It’s wrong that I exist. (Therefore, I need to apologize).          

Right out of the gate, I absorbed the lie that my occupancy on the planet was wrong.

Bad. Sinful. Requiring profuse apologies, because look at me!

Look at how wrong I am! In the vast history of all wrong-ness, I, surely, was the most wrong that a person could EVER be!

My family of origin, however unintentional, communicated to me messages of inconvenience. I was an inconvenience, ergo, I was wrong and bad. I needed to say I was wholeheartedly sorry for being myself. I wasn’t directly told I was wrong or bad. It was more subtle than that. It was the disapproving cues of frustrated sighs, eye rolls, awkward silences.

Sometimes, yes, I was screamed at. Sometimes, I was ignored and neglected. It wasn’t necessarily about any one event; rather; it was cumulative, as most of these powerful, transformative situations are. It was the constant dripping of unworthy statements on my psyche’s forehead that gradually built the strong, Fort Knox argument of my defective place in the world, of how I was never right.

And therefore, when you are wrong, what are you supposed to do?

Apologize.

The tricky thing was, I bought the lie that I was NEVER right, only ALWAYS wrong. Words- and their powerful connotations like “Always” and “Never” are inaccurate, harmful troublemakers to our self-esteem issues, no matter who we are as human beings.

Perhaps you’ve heard the expression, “Separate your ‘Who’ from your ‘Do.’”

That gets right to the root of the issue. We would probably do well to take that concept into consideration, especially the next time we are tempted to self-eviscerate because of our personal feelings of worthlessness.

Who we are and what we do are not the same thing.

Therefore, we, as human beings do not need to apologize for our existence. Contrary to what many of us may have been told, due to unhealthy relationships or dynamics, we are worth taking up space in this world.

We are here for significant reasons. You and I matter.

However, that truth often gets lost in the lie of another person.

And so…

I’m unacceptable because of another person’s pain. (Therefore, I need to apologize).

We get scapegoated and blamed not because of who we are, but rather, because of someone else’s determination and definition on who they say we are. If they say we are something, like we are wrong, bad, unacceptable, sinful, a mistake, etcetera, and we believe that to be true about ourselves, it can make things much more convenient and easier for the abusive individual to escape personal responsibility for their actions.

In short, we take the blame for another person’s misery, disappointment, and failings.

Being exposed to this toxic dynamic can, over time, convince us there is no excuse for our existence. Because we could not perfectly anticipate, meet, and fulfill someone else expectations or soothe their pain, we are unacceptable. We need to apologize for who we are, not just for what we did or did not do.

This harmful setup is not about us. It is not about what did or did not happen. It is about the need for us to be wrong and worthy of blame. We become the scapegoat. Another’s person’s designation and mandate that we are, indeed, to blame for any situation soon becomes internalized.

We take over blaming ourselves.

Now we are the punishing taskmaster.

I don’t know what else to say for myself. (Therefore, I need to apologize).

Cat got your tongue?

Well, maybe the culprit isn’t a feline. Maybe it is our abuser who has not only conditioned us to be powerless, but voiceless, as well.

For those of us involved in abuse, speaking up for ourselves is a cardinal sin, something we dare not do, let the wrath of the toxic person be unleashed in our lives, endangering us for our audacity.

We are forbidden to speak contrary to our abuser’s allowance. And, of course, the word, “no” is at the top of that forbidden list of responses.

What is permitted for us to say?

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s my fault.”

“I’m wrong.”

“I’m bad.”

There is no negotiating.

So, we can often reach the conclusion that we have nothing else to say, apart from those few limited statements. And this dovetails into the next faulty lie we believe…

If I apologize, I’ll be safe. (Therefore, I need to apologize).

Like praying a child’s prayer or chanting a soothing chant, we can, somehow, believe that simply obeying and apologizing, we will be rendered safe and sound.

Of course, it doesn’t quite work like that. We aren’t kept safe by these verbal forcefields. You and I are not kept safe by any action we take. It will not be perceived by our abuser as “good enough.” Over time, the intensity of this message takes its toll on us. The bombarding message chips away at us further, with no relenting from our abuser each time we utter our apologies.

So, we often try harder.

Perfectionism, desperate striving, and overachieving are some of the means, we reason, will save us. These things, somehow, will magically make us “good enough.”

Oftentimes, however, we are shattered to realize that it makes no difference.

No matter what, we are wrong. We are to blame. We are inexcusable.

And we are not safe. We feel vulnerable, shaking in front of a firing squad that doesn’t stop shooting at us.

There is something wrong with me. (Therefore, I need to apologize).

This is the overarching belief that infects all other faulty and harmful thoughts; something is irrefutably wrong with us, it cannot be denied or changed.

We are the problem, not any other person, abusers included.

And so, we need to apologize. To anyone. To everyone. For anything and everything remotely connected to us.

It is a disease that ravages our sense of self, largely because we believe we have no self, nor any right to self. Why? Because we are wrong. That lie that we wholeheartedly believe goes as deep as to assert that we are defective.

Nothing can or will change that. Give up all hope it can or it will.

Part of why this can be so devastating is that this “wrong-ness” infiltrates all aspects to who we fundamentally are as individuals. Personality. Value systems. Physical appearance. Goals. Efforts. Sexuality. Even birth order and gender. We make the sweeping assertion, somehow, that all is wrong. There is, indeed, nothing right about us. No matter where we turn, our destiny is wrong.

With that certainty firmly in place and governing our daily existence, what chance do you are I truly have at achieving a happy and fulfilling life?

It looks quite bleak, doesn’t it?

The “Who From the “Do:”

This discernment challenge is a daily practice. We need to separate our inherent being from our real- life activity of doing.

For those of us who have not had the luxury of living an existence filled with unconditional love and acceptance, this can be quite the hard task. We don’t know what unconditional love and acceptance feels like. We don’t know a reality that does not include unrealistic expectations, harshness, rejection, perfectionistic standards, and disproportionate responses, such as anger.

Other harmful individuals may have convinced us we weren’t safe and worthwhile unless and until we conformed to them. We learned we needed to give in. We needed to stop being ourselves and start being the vague definition and image of who they wanted us to be.

And here’s a secret: they already, somehow, determined we would fail at that mission.

So, who and do were one and the same for us. The was no differentiation; there was no separation. There was no grey area, whatsoever. Just unforgiving, unrelenting, black and white.

Therefore, we need to give ourselves the permission to live in the grey, daily. We need to remind ourselves we already have inherent worth. Our existence is more than enough evidence of that. We are here for a number of important, legitimate reasons, even if we don’t know what they are just yet.

And while we are waiting for answers, we are worthwhile. And we have stuff to do.

Enter, then, the second part of the challenging assignment; we need to let ourselves of the hook, in all of our doing.

So, perhaps, here’s a friendly little equation we would do well to keep in mind and apply often:

Our inherently worthy, imperfect human selves plus our worthwhile and imperfect deeds equals our valuable lives.

Indeed, we are inherently worthy, as individuals. But that doesn’t mean we have nothing to offer, action-wise.

On the contrary, in fact.

Therefore, each day, as we go about our lives, it’s important to remember our inherent being, that nothing and no one can change or diminish, AND our inherent power to contribute, even if that contribution is imperfect. Nothing about us is worth negating. Nothing.

We do not need to be excused for our existence. We need to be celebrated for it.

If no one, therefore, has celebrated you for you, then, please, let me be the first.

I’m so glad you are here!

Copyright © 2022 by Sheryle Cruse

 

Things I'm Still Learning

 

Never Follow a Leader...

 

Say These Things...

 

"One of my biggest mistakes in life”

 

"One of my biggest mistakes in life is thinking people will show me the same love that I've shown them " - Heath Ledger

When I was twelve years old, I entered and won a writing contest for the metro area newspaper.

My winning entry was “What is the one thing necessary for contentment?”

I find it quite humorous to get that insight from a twelve- year- old, but, regardless, I spewed forth my wisdom.

“The one thing that is necessary for contentment is being happy with yourself first and then with others.”

Yeah. I know.

I expounded further wisdom, repeating clichés like, turning my frown upside down, ending self- pity and thinking happy. In addition to those concepts, I was also heavily influenced by the “truth” that if you are nice to someone, they will be nice to you in return.

Uh-huh.

But, I guess, the cynic was still in training.

Perhaps, “cynic” is the wrong word to use here. Maybe “realist” is a better choice of words.

Ah, yes, being realistic! How it can burst the fairytale bubbles we blow in our lives.

But burst we must. People pleasers, like yours truly here, do not enjoy hearing and heeding that approach. We want to just keep working on our own personal world domination plans of getting everyone and their pet ferret to like us, to love us, to approve of us, telling us what our value is.

So, what could possibly go wrong there?

Years later, I’d like to think that I have significantly evolved from this childhood essay. I’d like to think I have a handle on the people pleasing, on the seeking and dependency on external validation. I’d like to think I have the rock- solid self-esteem, unshakable and constant.

(I hear you smirking, by the way).

Yeah, I know. It is just not that simple or that easy.

To paraphrase Ledger’s quote, we ask the following question, constantly, of ourselves…

“Why won’t people show me the same love that I've shown them?”

I have been learning, even with my inner twelve-year-old protesting at the education, that the answers go a little more like this instead.

They Don’t Like You.

Oh, man! The people pleasing, codependent individuals that we are REALLY hate that!

Many of us believe and tightly grip the assertion that each person will like us and be as committed to seeking, developing, and maintaining a relationship with us as we work to accomplish those things with them.

And it doesn’t work that way.

No matter how hard we try to make it so, no matter how much we exhaust ourselves by being and doing what another person finds pleasing, it does not work.

Some people just don’t like us. And nothing can change that. Perhaps, it’s like being Lactose intolerant or hating peanut butter. For some people, it is just a gigantic NO in response to us.

And that’s okay.

We, as people pleasers don’t believe that’s acceptable, but acceptance of this reality is critical.

Last year, I came across a beautiful sentiment:

“Make room for the people who want to love you.”

For each person who says “nope” to us, there is a person, several people, in fact, who DO want to like us, love us, accept us, go bowling with us, etcetera. We need to focus on connecting with those people and leave the “nopers” to their decision about us.

Live and let live, like or dislike.

They Don’t Love You.

How’s that for feeling warm and fuzzy?

In “The Prophecy,” a 1995 film, starring Christopher Walken, one of its characters, Satan Himself, uttered to another character, “I don’t love you.” He was trying to show how mercy, understanding, and love were not innate in him for any person.

And sometimes, that is just how it goes with certain individuals relating to us.

Hard and cold. They don’t love us.

That lack of love can display itself in a myriad of ways: hostility, envy, resentment, neglect, screaming, verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual, and financial abuse. Sometimes, it is an intentional, all-out hit on us. Sometimes, it is thoughtlessness.

Whatever the case may be, a lot of us people pleasers and codependents seem to prioritize, expect, strive for, and believe that love from a person, any person, exists for us, somehow, some way. We just need to do whatever it takes to tap into it. We can assume all the responsibility and burden for being loved, while refusing to accept another person’s free will decision to choose NOT to love us.

Perhaps, because many of us find it inconceivable to be unloving, we project that onto others. And some people are quite hunky- dory about not being loving to us, or to anyone else, for that matter.

I know. We, who are big balls of fuzzy, gooey unicorn love cannot accept or understand that perspective. Why would anyone choose not to love? Why would anyone choose to do that?

Answer: because some people do.

For reasons that are and are not valid.

And, quite frankly, those reasons are none of our business.

Stings, doesn’t it?

And again, while we’re all stung from that reality, let’s examine this next perspective in the love/expectation department.

They Don’t Think About You.

Inconsideration, a lack of loyalty, and carelessness can all run rampant when we encounter other individuals’ reactions to us. Sometimes, we are nowhere to be found in their thoughts.

Years ago, when a family member died, no one contacted me; no one thought to contact me. Why not? I don’t know. But it hurt and angered me.

No common courtesy?

No basic respect?

No love for me, a fellow family member who lost a blood relative?

Nope. At least, there wasn’t strong enough evidence to support those concepts.

And again, I’ll never know the why behind it all. Despite my efforts to communicate, it was not reciprocated.

And sometimes, that is just how it goes.

You and I are just not on their minds. Period.

And it hurts. It’s not fair, It’s not humane, perhaps. It doesn’t feel like the decent thing to do. We wouldn’t do such a thing, we assert.

But different people make different decisions. Sometimes, they are thoughtless. Sometimes, someone else deems us as not worthy of their thought.

Regardless, our inherent value does not change. And yes, we are worthy of good, loving, caring treatment.

That doesn’t mean we will always get it.

It’s Not Personal (But it FEELS Personal).

“It’s Not Personal.” We have all heard that phrase. Sometimes the wound and the slight are unintentional.

Intention may be one thing; impact is quite a different matter though, isn’t it?

There is a theory which states that the opposite of love is not hate; it’s indifference.

And maybe that goes hand in hand with the impersonal.

Let’s face it, fellow codependent, fellow people pleaser, fellow lovey unicorn: things people can often have a much greater, stronger meaning to us than they do concerning us. We can sink a much larger investment into someone when, the entire time, that individual could take or leave us.

They may be under the belief we are just acquaintances. They may choose to not like and respect us even as we have declared our eternal devotion, mowed their lawns, shelled out money, doodled their names with heart symbols in our journals and notepads. We make things personal while the other party doesn’t.

And that other party is perfectly okay with that impersonal touch. They sleep well at night; they don’t include us in their prayers. They don’t have us register as important in our lives.

And that is completely within their free will right to do so. No permission is required. Does that make it feel right? Or fair? Or loving?

No.

But it’s there. An while it is there, WE are still loveable, valuable, wonderful people who deserve good treatment in life.

Nothing can change that. Don’t believe the lie that someone else’s thoughts- or lack thereof- can change our worth.

Reciprocity: Balancing the Scales:

As with most things in life, it comes down to energy. What is invested and spent? On what? On whom?

It’s like continuing with a bad stock that provides diminishing returns. Would you consider that a good investment? Would you keep sinking everything you have in your life, into that stock?

Or would you reconsider and find another stock more suitable to meeting your wants, needs, and expectations?

Reciprocity is a reasonable relationship dynamic. It’s not about keeping score. It is about the evident reality of give and take. Family. Spouses. Life partners. Friends. Co-workers. People that we encounter in this human existence have the ability and the choice to reflect reciprocity. And, if they show themselves to be unable or unwilling to do that for you and me, that informs us with everything we really need to know to lead the life we deserve.

Dare I say it, reciprocity, in my opinion, should be a deal breaker.

We cannot control how others treat us. However, we can control how we treat ourselves.

Let’s stop making the mistake to have that continue to be shabby treatment. We are worth much more than that.

We can generate our own self-respect and self-love. Let’s choose to nurture and feed ourselves, beyond any one person, no matter how important we deem them to be.

We are important enough in our own right!

Copyright © 2022 by Sheryle Cruse