Many of us have heard this expression. It usually
means we could say a lot more about a situation or a person, but we either
won’t or can’t.
Therefore, suffice it to say…
As I have learned more about Narcissistic abuse and continue
to make my way through my own recovery, I see how we could all benefit from
this expression, especially those of us who are recovering from toxic dynamics,
be they family, romantic, professional, or any other kind of dysfunctional and
harmful interaction.
And here is where the Twelve Step principle of JADE
comes into play as an emergency “go-to” for me.
JADE: an acronym, which stands for Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain.
It’s often employed as a recovery tool, as many of
us, addicted to and entangled in our “drug of choice,” need a friendly reminder
of our personal boundaries, of what we are and are not responsible for. Many of
us have believed the lie we “owe” someone an explanation whenever we say one
tiny little word: “no.” That’s a cornerstone of abuse: the refusal to accept
anyone’s no on any subject matter or decision. If someone, who is acting in
an abusive way, does not accept a person’s no, that usually indicates there’s a
desire to manipulate and control. In the abuser’s mind, only a “yes” is acceptable,
no matter how violating to the person’s well-being, dignity and safety it may
be.
JADE helps reminds those of us caught in anything that
dishonors our right to autonomy and respect that yes, we have a right to our
no, without any further explanation of that no.
Justify:
When we feel pressured to justify ourselves and our
actions, there’s an emphasis on proving ourselves worthy. The goal of the
abusive person here? To make you and I feel wrong and to doubt ourselves.
And the main word we can often feel led to use, as
we are tempted to justify ourselves, is “Because…”
“Because I’m busy…”
“Because I’m tired…”
We may believe that if we, indeed, prove ourselves
to the demanding person, they will, therefore, be satisfied with our response,
respect us and leave us alone.
Nope.
It, more than likely, will be more like this.
They come at us even harder, becoming more violating, more abusive, employing
more harmful strategies to squeeze that “yes” response out of us.
Suffice it to say…
Here’s where our “less is more” strategy meets us,
if we’re willing to take the meeting. Say nothing. Do not offer any “because”
reason. If the awkward silence (and yes, it will feel awkward) is too
deafening for us, we can respond with the following…
“I am not able to do that.”
If we feel like being generous, we could even attach
an
“I’m sorry, but I am not able to do that.” And leave it
at that.
Suffice it to say.
No further expounding is necessary. If we need to, we
can walk away. However, according to our abuser, this discussion will not be
over yet.
Yes, friendly warning: if you and I haven’t
personally experienced it already, our abusive person will probably not accept any
of our answer, shy of the desired “yes.” In fact, things may be ratcheted up to
the next tactic.
Argue:
And here is often where arguing comes in, on the
part of the abusive person. Again, in this situation, there can exist the need
to prove ourselves in the heat of an argument. And that’s by design.
Yes, arguments happen in life. However, there is a difference
when we are arguing with an abusive person, versus a non-abusive person. A
non- abusive person may come from a perspective of trying to understand a
situation or settle a disagreement.
But the abusive person is not interested in that
approach. When we argue with that individual, often, that toxic person’s
modus operandi is to engage in dysfunction, simply to keep the negative
exchange going, whether that’s the individual fight or the harmful
relationship, itself.
Still, when we’re heated, it’s difficult to keep an
objective perspective. We feel we need to make the point, asserting, “I am not
this; I am this.”
But again, the abusive person is not interested in
hearing, in understanding, in working a situation out. Instead, they are
focused on “the win.” And sometimes, the abusive person gets a high from the
flying sparks. They can even enjoy the process of wearing you and I down. They
want us to submit. Period.
Suffice it to say, then, arguing with a person like
this is pointless.
It’s not worth expending the energy. Disengage, as
much as possible. Don’t get into it. It’s harmful. If the abuser is only
focused on the dominating “win,” continuing with the dynamic only gives us
various degrees of losing.
And we’re more valuable than that.
Defend:
Defend can be our knee-jerk response when things
become more serious, dangerous or violent. Now, something feels at stake.
When we are in a toxic interaction with an abusive
person, we can feel like our very lives are threatened. If that is the case, we
need to get help and get out.
The National
Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233
In terms of a less violent context, the abusive
tactic of placing us in a position of defense still is serious and can cause us
harm. Here, we experience the verbal, the emotional, the mental, the spiritual
and the financial aspects of abuse, all of which are detrimental to our
personhood.
We can respond, either outright or unconsciously,
with the pleading statement, “Stop attacking me!”
And, adding further injury, the abuser can enjoy
that reality, because we’re off kilter. They can assume they have the advantage
over us.
Learned helplessness can often result. We feel
powerless. And, because we feel powerless, we can often give our power away
even more.
But JADE’s principle of never defending yourself,
meaning, never pouring excessive, tiring energy into a dysfunctional dynamic,
hinges on this premise. The abuser is only interested in attacking and
having us in the struggling, one-down position.
And, just like “Justify,” just like “Argue,” to keep engaging
in that is, at best, pointless for us and, at worst, harmful. It’s a rigged
game, with it already decided, by the abusive person, that you and I will be
the loser. Don’t play it.
If you feel you need to defend yourself, that’s an
unhealthy relationship and/or interaction.
Detach. Walk away.
Explain:
I can prove myself to you; here’s my evidence.
And here’s the hoop-jumping, the auditioning, the
desperate plea, “BELIEVE Me!”
I personally feel that this element of JADE is the
most harmful to us: the pressure we may feel to “explain.”
When we refuse to justify, argue or defend ourselves
against a coercive individual, indeed, that last resort may be to pressure us
into explaining ourselves. It can even go so far as to demand we explain our
very existence.
It’s demoralizing, dehumanizing. It’s abusive.
And it shines a spotlight on a core trait of an
abusive person: his/her sense of entitlement.
After all, what could better drive the intense
demand of such an individual?
It can be argued that’s the reason for JADE in the
first place.
For, concerning the entitled person’s perspective, he/she
believes they is “owed” something by us. And that can be anything under the
sun, only subject to the abuser’s whims.
That abuser may feel we owe them complete agreement,
acquiescence, control and decision making for our lives. We may feel we need to
have their “permission” to exist. It is damaging… and often, subtle. It can
creep up on us slowly, as, bit by bit, we give our power away, all in the hopes
we will be loved and/or we will no longer be abused.
“Explaining ourselves,” therefore, places an
unachievable onus solely on us. We can believe the lie that, anything short of
a “good enough explanation” for ourselves rightfully leads to our punishment.
We can absorb how our “imperfect” explanation is our fault, bringing any
punishment upon ourselves.
What’s wrong with just explaining a situation?
It has everything to do with context.
Quick questions you and I need to ask ourselves:
Do I feel like I’m forced to explain
myself?
If it were solely up to me, would I
choose to explain this situation?
What are those answers?
Anything violating our basic free will and dignity
is abusive.
If the context of an explanation involved a
non-abusive party, that’s one thing. There is no agenda to dominate, subjugate
or control a human being. If we choose not to give a full accounting to that
person, the other party would accept that choice.
But, again, with an abuser, there is no “enough”
involved. We could not justify enough, argue enough, defend ourselves enough,
and, of course, explain ourselves enough. The abusive person is never satisfied
with anything we give them.
We can point to immaturity, Narcissism, insecurity
and even a more sinister need for power over us. It still doesn’t change the
fact that no amount of our will, desire and energy expenditure will satisfy
them.
And, just as importantly, it’s not our job to do
that kind of hoop-jumping. None of it will get the person to love us or treat
us better.
So, what are we left with?
Scripture, again, pops up for me, even with is
“secular” JADE principle.
“Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your
'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.”
Matthew
5:37
That’s what it is all about. In the realm of dignity, healthy treatment
and basic human respect, how does someone view our expression on a matter?
Do they accept it? Do they reject it? Do they try to forcibly change it? Do they abuse us over it?
Are we respected?
JADE, perhaps, can remind us we must be exactly that.
Suffice it to say.
Copyright © 2022 by Sheryle Cruse
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