Hug Me! Do We Fight Our Help?

I love this adorable cartoon post.

 

Dinosaur number one pleads, “Hug me!” to Dinosaur number two, who responds, “I’m trying.”

I immediately thought of the “fighting your help” principle, both on the recovery front and the much larger spiritual playing field.

Many of us struggling with addictions, disorders and vices often employ a lot of self-sabotage when it comes to interaction and, yes, actual help.

We reiterate such statements as...

“I’m worthless.”

“I’m unlovable.”

“I’ve made too many mistakes.”

With those statements, we push others away; we fight our help.

And, of course, we do this with God.

Why else, perhaps, does there exist this scripture, were it not for this resisting attitude?

“How often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing.”

Matthew 23:37

To paraphrase and play with Matthew 26:41, “God, the Spirit, is willing, but we, the flesh, are weak.”

Scripture, indeed, gives us ample evidence we are loved by a Creator Who desires to heal and help us...

“The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, ‘Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.’”

Jeremiah 31:3

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go: I will guide you with My eye.”

Psalm 32:8

“… I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold, I will heal you…”

2 Kings 20:5

“‘If You will, Thou canst make me clean.’ And He (Jesus) stretched out His hand and touched him, saying, ‘I am willing; be clean.’”

Luke 5:12-13

And it’s that last one, in particular, which calls into question the equally precise question, “Do we want that help?”

 “…‘Do you want to get well?’"

John 5:6

Squirming yet?

This question, uttered by our Messiah, cuts through all of the physical, emotional, situational and spiritual red tape.

Do we want to be healed? Do we?

Often, let’s be honest, that answer is “no.”

And the best we can hope for is the double minded, wishy-washy perspective of “wanting our cake and eating it too.”

Yeah, I know. This is the wonderful perplexity of addict land.

(Please keeps your arms in the vehicle at all times during our tour).

Addiction pulls on us so much of the time because it, quite honestly, feels like love. It feels warm, safe, nurturing, rewarding, encouraging, euphoric and empowering. It feels like all of the things we wish love could actually be to us.

Yet, because addiction is only a counterfeit to actual love, let alone, God’s love, inevitably, we are left wanting and disappointed when our “true love” failed to deliver on its “solution” promise.

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. We love him, because he first loved us.”

1 John 4:18-19

So, now we have trust issues. Now we are faced with another question, “Do we trust love?”

And again, all too often the answer is “no.”

So, tightly, we hold onto our addiction; forcefully, we push away any and all help, God included.

Again, just like our cute dinosaur friends...

“Hug me!”

“I’m trying.”

Here we are, at a crossroads. How do we truly view the “I’m trying” response from the Source of all help?

Do we believe He is willing and able to be our Alpha and Omega?

“And he said unto me, ‘It is done. I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give unto him that is athirst of the fountain of the water of life freely.’”

Revelation 21:6

Upon studying our little dinosaur conversation, I zoomed in on the arms. We have to acknowledge the arms. Look at those suckers.

 Indeed, there has been much discussion and humor about how these fierce prehistoric creatures couldn’t even pick up their prey with those short little limbs.

And this discussion about short arms brings us back to the God element of things.

We are confronted with two seemingly, diametrically opposing sentiments.

 On the one “hand...”

 “Behold, the LORD'S hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; neither his ear heavy, that it cannot hear.”

Isaiah 59:1

Yet, on the other “hand...”

“How often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing.”

Matthew 23:37

Huh? Well, which one is it?

Answer: both.

For this brings to light the joint venture of our recovery. It is part us, part God. One without the other cannot facilitate healing. We cannot cure ourselves independently. Likewise, we cannot opt out of participation and expect better health either.

And, while God can do anything/everything, He does not go against our free will, even when that free will “fights our help.”

So, we have the dilemma, the constant challenge of what we believe, why we believe it and the results of how those mindsets fight or help Divine intervention and recovery in our lives.

I know. It is maddening. It is...human...

But again, if we return to the “I’m trying” response in the dinosaur conversation, we see the willingness is there.

Remember willingness?

“‘If You will, Thou canst make me clean.’ And He (Jesus) stretched out His hand and touched him, saying, ‘I am willing; be clean.’”

Luke 5:12-13

1 John further backs this up...

 “And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us: And if we know that he hear us, whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we desired of him.”

1 John 5:14-15

God wants to love us. God wants to help us. God wants to heal us.

“Hug me!”

“I’m trying.”

“‘If You will, Thou canst make me clean.’

... ‘I am willing; be clean.’”

Do we fight the Truth or embrace it?

Are we the ones who need to “hug back?”

Copyright © 2019 by Sheryle Cruse

 

A Secret Club Agenda

 

“Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known.”

Luke 12:2

 “Fight Club” is a powerful film, cemented within pop culture. It’s notorious, in particular, for the famous line of its main character, Tyler Durden’s, often quoted within our society...

 “Welcome to Fight Club. The first rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is: you DO NOT talk about Fight Club!”

And it got me thinking about secrecy.

I understand the lure of club membership. There are benefits to joining such an entity: socialization, improvement of like-minded skills and, of course, the all-powerful “sense of community.”

Many of them have rituals, handshakes, pledges and rules of conduct- and yes, quite often, those elements are “secret.”

Indeed, for many of us in recovery, that also applies to the numerous Twelve Step programs out there; we do see the impact of people gathered together under a common cause/interest, in a safe “anonymous” setting.

But, with that being said, it still brings up the risk for potential mindsets and behaviors that are far from constructive.

And, at that center lies secrecy. Here’s where the unhealthy crutch arises instead of the ideal focal point, actual recovery.

As the old saying goes, “You’re as sick as your secrets.”

Secrecy’s toxic impact in a “club setting,” first discounts the necessary need to admit our powerlessness, as referenced by Steps 1-3.

1. We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

“Secret-keeping” enables the person afflicted to keep going about his/her usual routine, with absolutely no acknowledgement of one’s own powerlessness. The harmful delusion asserts itself: he/she is still running their addiction-fueled show.

And, this delusion further flourishes, as long as the addict keeps attending meetings; all appears well. The attendance serves as a “smoke and mirrors” distraction for destructive truth. As long as everyone is looking at the meeting attendance, no one is actually paying attention to a member’s “using” agenda.

The addict is at the meeting in body only.

And, before anyone catches it, a cavalier attitude can insidiously extend to Steps 4-7, the actual wrongdoing of the addict.

4.      We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Emboldened by his/her hush-hush “fight club,” the addict now feels no need to do that necessary recovery inventory. He/she is playing the secretive game of lip service with no action behind it- and it continues to go unchallenged.

And, again, the addict may even believe he/she is “doing the work,” as they passively show up to meetings. They may believe that is enough.

In full denial, steps 8-10, therefore, are a moot point to the addict, when in direct contrast to “secret keeping.”

8.      We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. We continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

A toxic pattern repeats itself, only now, it expands its reach. The addict reasons, “If there is no need to honestly address, examine, discuss and change what I’m doing, why should I do change my behavior with other people?

The secretive all-important agenda, to the “crutch-y addict,” likewise, perpetuates its resistance for the remaining steps, eleven and twelve.

11.  We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Again, if we are “as sick as our secrets,” then what is our approach to these last two steps?

Are we transparent?

Or, are we content to avoid the work and put on the mask of committed recovering addict instead?

Perhaps we think we’ll “take things more seriously” at a later time.

Perhaps we believe really aren’t “that bad,” and, therefore, don’t need the implement the steps in our lives.

Perhaps we think we have the best of both worlds as we keep and practice our secret, destructive behaviors: we have the social interaction benefit without having to give up any of our vices. We.ve got it great. We’re getting away with it.

Except...we’re not.

 “For nothing is hidden except to be made manifest; nor is anything secret except to come to light. If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear.”

Mark 4:22-23

Nope. You can’t keep a secret, especially from the Most High God...

“Thou hast set our iniquities before thee, our secret sins in the light of thy countenance.”

Psalms 90:8

So, there’s that. Buzzkill.

Therefore, especially concerning the realm of our all-important recovery, it would do us some good to come back with this response...

 “... Cleanse thou me from secret faults.”

Psalms 19:12

It’s not about shame. Rather, it’s about the healthy checkup of what we’re really doing.

Are we truly in recovery? Are we pretending we are? Are we going through the motions?

The “Fight Club” speech states...

“...The first rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is: you DO NOT talk about Fight Club!”

According to scripture, that secretive perspective is a vain imagination which exalts itself against God and His Word (2 Corinthians 10:5).

And it does not profit us. We may feel like we are “getting away with it,” but come on, is there really unshakable security if we insist on secrecy?

And really, are we blessed by that secrecy?

Honestly, we know that answer is “no.”

“He who covers his sins will not prosper: but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.”

Proverbs 28:13

What are our secrets? How are they playing themselves out?

 “You’re as sick as your secrets.”

Is that our true club membership?

Copyright © 2019 by Sheryle Cruse

 

Life is happening...

Get On Your Way

The Teacher is Silent

Recovery-from much of anything- is often not done in the steady hum of encouragement. It’s frequently done in intimidating quiet. Even with support groups, sponsors, treatment centers, churches and any number of “support structures,” we are still left with our true selves. And, no matter what affirmations we have heard and learned, we alone are left to apply them. There is no uplifting outside cheerleader. There is just our decision.

I know this comes across as negative, especially concerning “the Higher Power” factor.

As a person of faith, I’m not dismissing the role The Most High plays. Rather, I see how the Divine shows up in disguised forms, one of those being the unanswered quiet.

Years ago, I heard a statement which rocked my own recovery:

“When the student is taking the test, the teacher is silent.”

This went in tandem with my therapist’s advice; my recovery progress would not go unchallenged. I had to be prepared for any person’s “change back” attitudes.

“When a person does not accept your ‘no,’ they’re trying to control you.”

(Advice given from a self-defense expert, instructing females on their attackers’ viewpoints)

My “No” response has often not been accepted. Indeed, as I have worked to form and keep healthy boundaries, I have had to directly shut down my people pleaser nature and hold firm in the face of that negativity.

“All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.”

Matthew 5:37

Not surprisingly, “the people” on the other end of my response are usually not pleased. Therefore, they have tried to cajole, insult, threaten or force me to change my response to their preferred “yes.”

And, when I do not do this, this situation becomes even more awkward. It is a “silent teacher/student-taking-test” dynamic going on. That uncomfortable silence can often prompt a temptation for me to give in, but I need to remind myself if I do this, it violates me and sends the message to the other person: “I can be manipulated.”

And I do not wish to return to the harmful place from which I came.

For, in the past, certain family members of mine have attempted to shame me when I did not do things their way. They asserted I was brainwashed, forgetting where I came from.

But, many of these same individuals are currently locked in some abusive or addictive state. I am not saying this to condemn, rather, to illustrate how difficult it is to create health from a diseased state of being. These individuals have known about the dysfunction which is the family reality. And they choose how they respond concerning those facts.

Some have chosen to continue the harmful behaviors. They believe their loyalty to the unhealthy pattern must be prized and protected, even to the detriment of another person’s- or their own- well-being. To do anything beyond that, then, is ruled to be unrealistic, arrogant, and yes, disloyal.
Therefore, because of that unhealthy existing family dynamic, my more unfamiliar, uncomfortable approach to it needs to happen all the more. I cannot control others’ lifestyle choices. However, I do have some control of mine.

And that is also part of the student’s silent test: learning what one is- and is not- responsible for.

Part of my family’s toxic belief system also asserts there are some individuals who are not to be held accountable for their destructive behaviors, while, at the same time, there are other designated family members who are to be overly responsible caregivers and rescuers, making the unhealthy situation “okay” somehow.

Concerning my family member’s responses to my “no/boundary-focused” stance, they often do not expect that. They are convinced I will cave to their whims. And, I’ve heard it said you can tell a lot about who a person is when they get that “no” for an answer.

Personal experience-wise, what I have surmised is that family reaction is often straight-up anger.

“Do not befriend a hot-tempered man, and do not associate with one who harbors anger. Lest you learn his ways, and ensnare your soul.”

Proverbs 22:24-25

That’s not a surprise to me. After all, there are honestly very few people in this world who enjoy being told “no” when they’d rather experience a “yes.” That’s human.

We want what we want when we want it.

But, the problem comes in when an agenda to use coercion, shame or brutal force surfaces as the “logical and reasonable” response. It negates the validity of the person who just answered no. It reiterates that person has no such right TO that word.

But, again...

“All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.”

Matthew 5:37

Unfortunately, my experience with certain individuals has shown me there is no room for their understanding of anyone’s fundamental right to say “no” on any topic whatsoever. There is an impasse and little can be done concerning it.

More importantly, it’s not my responsibility to FIX this. Personal accountability applies to all.

Proverbs 19:19, therefore, has frequently sprung to my mind as it relates to my own navigation within these less-than-ideal family constraints.

“A person with great anger bears the penalty; if you rescue him, you'll have to do it again.”

When it comes to giving in to the person expecting/demanding my yes which could be harmful to me in any way, “...you'll have to do it again.”

And, guess what? Concerning my recovery process, I do not want to do that.

Dealing with someone else’s disappointed anger is yet another “silent teacher/test-taking student” moment. I have no cheerleaders with megaphones, giving me an “Atta girl!”

I need to do that by myself in that quiet, awkward space of the truthful moment. It is not easy; it is not fun. But it is recovery work, nonetheless.

Do I wish things were different? Sure.

But, regardless of how things are now, I still must navigate. Each person is given free will to decide what he/she chooses. And some choose disease.

So, once I know that, their choice must not sway mine. And that is why I find my encouragement here:

 “And he took courage and rebuilt all the wall that had been broken down and erected towers on it, and built another outside wall and strengthened... and made weapons and shields in great number.”

2 Chronicles 32:5

To me, the recovery work principle is, indeed, found within this least likely scripture.

But we are all in process, on a recovery continuum, taking tests and learning how to simply be. We need tools, mechanisms, safe havens and power-fused words, like that of “no.”l We need to know our recovery is too important- WE are too important- to sacrifice health for disease in whatever dangerous, quiet moments are presented to us.

Be encouraged, dear student, as you take your next test.

Copyright © 2019 by Sheryle Cruse

 

Later

                

I have a friend who insists on never saying “goodbye.” Instead, she utters, “Later” at the end of our conversations.

This word started me thinking. And the first thing which popped up was another word, procrastination. Its definition being...

“... the avoidance of doing a task which needs to be accomplished. It is the practice of doing more pleasurable things in place of less pleasurable ones, or carrying out less urgent tasks instead of more urgent ones, thus putting off impending tasks to a later time. Sometimes, procrastination takes place until the "last minute" before a deadline.”

Let’s get real; procrastination is never far removed from addiction. By its very nature, our addictive tendencies whisper such constant lies as “I’ll quit tomorrow,” “I’ll stop when I’m ready,” and “I’ll make things right LATER.”

“Withhold not good from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it.”

Proverbs 3:27

You’ve said it; I’ve said it. Perhaps, we delude ourselves with Little Orphan Annie’s musical perspective, “The sun will come out tomorrow.” There is such promise and hope then and there.

But what about now? What about today?

“Start where you are, use what you have, do what you can.”

Arthur Ashe

Those of us who struggle with addiction, compulsion and disorder often have an unrealistic perfectionism which thrives on procrastination. When things are “just right,” when this or that circumstance changes, THEN we’ll get sober.

The hidden message in those theories is this: “But for now, I’m going for my addiction. I’m going to binge, get drunk, overdo it and live it up like there’s no tomorrow.”

And so, not surprisingly, nothing changes. There’s no sobriety, no different or healthier choice. There is only more of the same.

Still, this doesn’t absolve us from reality:

 “For he saith, ‘...behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation.’”

2 Corinthians 6:2

Scripture covers not just our eternal soul destination, but also a blueprint for how to live in the here and now. The Most High is not a Deity Who operates in procrastination (1 Corinthians 14:33).

And we are made in His Image (Genesis 1:27).

Therefore, we are not let off the hook concerning our innate spirituality.

“... ‘Far be it from us that we should forsake the LORD to serve other gods.’”

Joshua 24:16

To attempt to wriggle free of responsibility is to come from a place of excuse, negligence and even agreement with the Adversary to us all.

“How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! How art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations!”
Isaiah 14:12 -

Sound too extreme and far-fetched?

Well, if we are refusing to deal with our faith, our health and our issues, aren’t we, in essence, asserting how we know BETTER than The Almighty?

“But you said in your heart, 'I will ascend to heaven; I will raise my throne above the stars of God. And I will sit on the mount of assembly In the recesses of the north. I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will be like the most High.’”

Isaiah 14:13-14

Wherever we are on this spiritual spectrum, we cannot avoid or forfeit choice.

“... choose you this day whom ye will serve...”

Joshua 24:15

We possess free will. However, what we do not possess is the opting out of the free will choice’s consequences.

“‘Nevertheless you will be thrust down to Sheol, To the recesses of the pit.’”

Isaiah 14:15

Now, at first glance, Isaiah 14 may appear to be too strong of a consequence. Surely, we wouldn’t be punished the same as the devil, right?

Well, if we’re lining up in agreement with Satan, who is to say we wouldn’t be responsible for a harmful downfall?

“Ye are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father ye will do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it.”
John 8:44

Is not addiction, with its procrastination, a murderer?

Is not addiction, with its procrastination, rife with deceit?

Is not addiction, with its procrastination, choosing its way instead of Elohim’s as “the final say?”

Again, no one escapes choice. No one is excused from facing procrastination.

But it’s not hopeless. For we underestimate the power of today. We underestimate the power of NOW.

The Most High will work with whatever we commit TO Him:

“Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.”

Psalms 37:5

 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”

Proverbs 3:5-6

Don’t you think that would also include the procrastination issue, even in the middle of our addictions?

There is power is STARTING.

What baby step can be taken right now? What decision? What can be accomplished NOW?

“‘...now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation.’”

2 Corinthians 6:2

Speaking of the word, “Now,” one more thing.

Years ago, The Most High spoke to me, telling me to observe the word... BACKWARDS. When I saw what “NOW” spelled, it lit faith and assurance regarding my momentary reality.

“NOW” spelled backwards is “WON.”

“O sing unto the LORD a new song; for he hath done marvelous things: his right hand, and his holy arm, hath gotten him the victory.”

Psalms 98:1

What is on the other side of our addictions, our beliefs and our responses concerning them?

What is on the other side of our procrastination?

Will we experience those blessings now... or later?

Copyright © 2019 by Sheryle Cruse