First, a disclaimer: I am not a mother.
I mention this because I recognize my observations come from a childless perspective. Being a parent- and more specifically, being a mother is, I believe, the hardest job one will ever have in life. So, no, I have no real world, exasperated experience of dealing with the daily challenges of raising a child. I have no experience addressing such complicated issues like navigating the internet/technology overload, handling the minefields known as sex, violence and drug use issues, not to mention, raising healthy children without negative body images and disordered eating behaviors. I’m in a humongous glass house where those matters are concerned. It’s, therefore, hard for me to throw any boulders. I am not a mother, unless you count my two beloved felines, Gracie and Glory. I know, but they are my babies.
But, as a recovering eating disorder sufferer, I do have my share of personal experience. And much of that stems from the root cause issue of the mother/daughter dynamic in eating disorder development and behavior. I address some of it in my book, “Thin Enough: My Spiritual Journey Through the Living Death of an Eating Disorder.” Whenever I speak, I often mention the enmeshment challenges, not to throw my mother under the bus, but to caution the risky over-involvement damage which can often come when healthy boundaries are not in place.
Learning correct boundaries and coping methods, to this day, is still one of the biggest challenges of my life; it is of as much importance to my day by day recovery as learning how to eat and treat my body in healthier ways.
In my recovery, I’ve come across a number of books on all things eating disorder: celebrity accounts, professional treatment approaches and personal perspectives of the eating disorder sufferer’s family and friends.
So, recently, when I saw Dara Lynn Weiss, author of “The Heavy” on an episode of Anderson Cooper’s talk show, my ears perked up. She first sparked controversy by writing an article for a spring 2012 issue of Vogue magazine about placing her seven year old daughter on a diet.
Ding, ding, ding! You have my attention.
And, from there, her experience turned into this full- fledged book, “The Heavy.”
In fact, just under the book’s title read the following:
“A mother, a daughter, a diet.”
I became uneasy.
It’s difficult to remain objective about the mother/daughter/diet issue. It screams of non-existing or, at best, confusing personal boundaries and harmful belief/value systems of what’s important in life. My mother and I were both food and diet buddies. I remember, as a child, hearing my mother declare how she needed to get down to her “right weight.” And then, when I went on my first diet with her, it turned into “when you and I get down to our right weight.”
So, no, I don’t squeal with joy whenever I hear of mother/daughter diet projects. I cringe instead.
But, I chose to read Weiss’ book, to get her perspective. I wanted to hear her story- and go from there. So, I braced myself before I started reading. After all, I knew trigger emotions would flare. And, sure enough, as I hearkened to my own story, there were instances when I felt protective of Weiss’ daughter, Bea. I had moments when I felt Weiss was setting her daughter up for not just failure, but for eating disorders and irreversible damage to her psyche.
But, I wanted to be as open, if not objective, with her book. So, as I read it over a two- day span, I took notes, trying to categorize the good, the bad and the ugly of the memoir. I wasn’t interested in vilifying her as the worst mother in the world. But I did want to address the potentially dangerous red flags, at least as I saw them, anyway.
So, that’s what I’m attempting to explore in this review here. And, of course, you can choose to read or not read the book for yourself. A word of caution though, before we delve: if you are recovering from eating disorders or surrounding body image issues, please be advised this book may trigger some strong emotions and even behaviors. Any book, dealing with eating disorders and body image, can indeed, be triggering. Heck, I know my book can be triggering.
But I understand and appreciate Weiss’ candor. I believe she’s not trying to glamourize the issue; she’s putting it out there to get it out in the open. There is emphasis on certain foods, menus, different planning methods for weight loss, as well as a focus on different weight numbers. All of this can be triggering. But, if you’re going to write a book about it, I understand you need to put that in there.
With that in mind, however, I categorized that information into the following: what I believe to be the negative points, the Fallout, the Mother/Daughter element and its dilemma and finally, the positive points.
First, the negative aspects…
How did the whole odyssey start? Weiss’ daughter, Bea was not an overweight baby. But, as she grew into a toddler, weight became an issue, not just in Weiss’ eyes, but also with the pediatrician. So, around the age of six, there was an increasing focus on Bea’s need for weight loss.
And repeatedly, throughout the book, Weiss, indeed, states that her daughter had a health crisis, like that of Diabetes. She wasn’t doing this for vanity; it was to stop future health issues. And that’s commendable.
But, as I kept reading, I was struck by how much emphasis on the specific numbers and results of a certain weight. There were detailed records of Bea being up a half a pound here or down a half a pound there as the diet plan went into full force. There was not much attention to feeling better, lowering high blood pressure or sugar levels. There wasn’t much emphasis, in my opinion, on the tangible health benefits of a healthier lifestyle. It was all about losing weight to avoid the horrific potential problem of having Bea become an overweight child. I understand that stigma, having been an overweight child myself. It’s painful to experience the rejection, scrutiny and taunts which come from being overweight. But there needs to be a focus on health, not just appearance or perception. The child needs to know the importance of taking care of his/her body to live a healthy life. It’s not just about appearance, looking pretty or fitting into fashionable clothes. As I read on, I felt like sometimes the pursuit was just to attain the goal of not being an overweight child. That’s where it stopped.
And, it should be noted, according to child weight percentiles from Bea’s physician, Bea was, indeed, diagnosed as “obese.” So, I can understand the alarm that may have set off with Weiss. Add to that, her lifelong weight struggles, I’m sure she wanted better for her daughter than her childhood experiences. I know this was a confounding issue for the entire family, not just mother and daughter.
Intentions may start out well, but it’s easy to get caught up in a momentum of results and the power they hold. Whether good or bad, however defined, all too quickly, success or failure hinges on them. The destination is everything; the journey is therefore, only a frustrating creature.
So, often, there were questionable decisions made to achieve the weight loss goal. Processed food was chosen over healthier fair, simply because it had fewer calories. And Diet Coke was perceived to be more desirable option for seven year old Bea than a too caloric, too sugary Shirley Temple beverage.
And exercise? Dance classes were mentioned, as well as Bea’s genuine interest in Karate. But Weiss, herself, admits she doesn’t exercise herself. Again, the bottom line- does it work powerfully to lose weight? If not, why bother? That’s the message I got, anyway.
And, there’s something else which sticks in my craw. I didn’t see much in the book about Bea’s other interests or activities. I know Weiss loves and values her daughter, but where was the nurturing of her creative and academic interests? What about the reading/book programs for Bea? Did she love to draw? Paint? Write? Sing? What else was she focusing on besides losing weight? Was that where all the focus went?
And, me being me, subscribing the tremendous impact God has upon a life, where was the spiritual pursuit? I personally wondered if Bea believed in God, even as this young child. I’m sorry, but, because God had a profound impact in my life and in my recovery, I feel the spiritual component needs to be there in order to have a healthier, fuller life. It’s my opinion- but hopefully, not a glass house boulder.
Like I said, throughout the book, there was a great deal of emphasis on results, mainly Bea’s weight loss. During this diet process, there were numerous “setbacks” and “successes.” And, by the time Bea turned eight, she was close to her goal of weighing seventy-seven pounds. Weiss, to me, seemed more obsessed with that number than Bea. I know the “magic number” to a particular weight or dress size. How many of us women determine our worth or happiness according to digits? It’s there, I get that.
What had me further concerned (again, red flags), was that upon Bea finally reaching that “magical 77,” her pediatrician declared, “She doesn’t need to lose any more.” And, with that declaration, there was celebration and positive attention toward Bea; Weiss was proud.
But, I also detected something else. I detected an uncertainty about what to do next. After all, the goal had been reached. Now what? Whether it was just my observation or something Weiss was truly experiencing, I felt there was a kind of lost quality. Perhaps, even more troubling, there was a disappointment at not needing to go further, to lose more weight. As someone who, at the height of my anorexia, kept moving the target weight loss to lower and lower goals, again, the momentum can get addictive. Was that what Weiss was experiencing? I know she loved Bea, but was there ever a thought going on, toying with the thought, “another five or ten pounds would be even better.” I had that thought- and, no matter how low my weight became, it never was better; it never was “enough.”
Anyway, upon reaching the goal weight, Weiss documents Bea’s ongoing weight struggle. And that presents the fallout of this child diet, as well as the dilemma of the tricky mother/daughter enmeshment issue which is often part of disordered eating issues.
Bea is a precocious little girl, wise beyond her years. She’s made a few statements, post diet, which are unsettling to me. Between mother and daughter, there were numerous arguments and power struggles over food issues, mainly “don’t eat that because…”
Reflecting upon her dieting experience, Bea does seem to resign herself to “needing” to always watch her weight:
“It may sound sad, but it’s my life, you know? Once you start going on a diet, it makes you feel great, but inside you know that you’re different from other people. And you’ll never be able to change that.”
She was seven years old when she said that, by the way. What were you thinking when you were seven? What should a child be thinking at this age? Should it be dieting?
And then, Bea reflects on being “different.” Most kids recoil at that thought. Acceptance is paramount when you’re a child. Fitting in is the name of the game and in this next statement, Bea mentions her reality:
“I feel cut off from the other kids, because I feel like they don’t have to go on a special diet. They don’t have to do something special. Just because I have to makes me different.”
Bea seems to have accepted this will be her lifelong issue.
“Even if I fit in and I’m not fatter than the rest of the kids, that’s who I was: the fat girl. And that’s who I’m always going to be. Even if I change, I’m always going to be known as that person.”
Again, these words are coming from a seven year old. It’s heartbreaking to believe Bea will always have an inner image which she sees so negatively. A lot of us struggle with our own inner images.
But, just when you think this little girl couldn’t sound any wiser, she addresses her true feelings about her weight loss:
“I think I’ve changed half of the way, but not that I fixed my entire life. Because that isn’t true. Who can fix their entire life when they’re eight?”
It’s out of the mouths of babes.
So, is there hope for Bea? Are there more positive or negative results from this diet project? It’s hard to say; it’s too premature to say. And that’s where the dilemma and the power of the mother/daughter issue come into play.
Weiss herself isn’t even fully certain of the results. She has mixed feelings throughout the book about what good or harmful effects are occurring during the diet. She worries about Bea developing fear and guilt about food, self-loathing and hatred of her body and potential eating disorders in the years to come:
“As for the risk of eating disorder?... I think that’s either in Bea’s DNA or not. I hope like crazy that it’s not, but only time will tell.”
Time will tell. Hopefully, she won’t. And there’s the Russian roulette to the dilemma. An eating disorder doesn’t just happen. It’s built through years of experiences, thoughts and messages. And it can happen, even in spite of the best intentions, the happiest home and the most loving family.
And again, I believe Weiss strongly loves her daughter; I believe she wants the best for her daughter. There are some good points in the book.
First, Weiss is opposed to “fat talk.” She refuted that statement when Bea complained, “I’m fat.” That’s admirable. And, concerning impressionable children, it’s powerful.
And then there’s this statement:
“Bea did not need to lose weight to earn my love. She did not need to lose weight to be beautiful…”
The unconditional love is critical. However, I’m still uneasy with the latter part of the statement…
“…But she did need to lose weight to be healthy. Once I understood that her weight problem was a disease, I had no choice but to treat it as such.”
Did she? Does she have a disease? A health crisis? Or is this all just too much emphasis on dangerous and superficial issues? Again, it’s a dilemma. But I am encouraged by one of Weiss’ last statements:
“I love all of her.”
That’s the message each of us need in our lives, families and bodies. All of us are loved. All of all of us!
So, yeah, these are my observations, far from objective.
"Do not judge or you too will be judged.”
Matthew 7:1
After reading the book, how did I feel about it? The term “thought provoking” certainly comes to mind. Is it damaging? No, not necessarily. It’s Weiss’ perspective. And how much of that perspective, through the editing process, was steered toward the exclusive focus on all things “triggering” to those of us with food, weight and body image issues? Unfortunately, child obesity is on the rise. Unfortunately, it is a health issue.
But the squirmier issue is placing any child on a diet. Should it ever be done? In what context? With what approach? What should also accompany that particular plan? At what point is it necessary intervention versus harmful obsession? I don’t have those answers.
I do appreciate Weiss’ honesty with a very unpopular subject. No one likes to look at and deal with the tough unpopular stuff. But, to one degree or another, we need to.
Again, make up your own mind; read or don’t read the book. And again, use caution if you’re sensitive to the “triggers” of the discussed issues. You, more than likely, will have a strong response.
I believe, regardless, it’s a subject worth discussing. Hopefully, we can reach some healthy, relevant and achievable solutions.
Copyright © 2013 by Sheryle Cruse
Ding, ding, ding! You have my attention.
And, from there, her experience turned into this full- fledged book, “The Heavy.”
In fact, just under the book’s title read the following: “A mother, a daughter, a diet.”
I became uneasy.
It’s difficult to remain objective about the mother/daughter/diet issue. It screams of non-existing or, at best, confusing personal boundaries and harmful belief/value systems of what’s important in life. My mother and I were both food and diet buddies. I remember, as a child, hearing my mother declare how she needed to get down to her “right weight.” And then, when I went on my first diet with her, it turned into “when you and I get down to our right weight.”
So, no, I don’t squeal with joy whenever I hear of mother/daughter diet projects. I cringe instead.
But, I chose to read Weiss’ book, to get her perspective. I wanted to hear her story- and go from there. So, I braced myself before I started reading. After all, I knew trigger emotions would flare. And, sure enough, as I hearkened to my own story, there were instances when I felt protective of Weiss’ daughter, Bea. I had moments when I felt Weiss was setting her daughter up for not just failure, but for eating disorders and irreversible damage to her psyche.
But, I wanted to be as open, if not objective, with her book. So, as I read it over a two- day span, I took notes, trying to categorize the good, the bad and the ugly of the memoir. I wasn’t interested in vilifying her as the worst mother in the world. But I did want to address the potentially dangerous red flags, at least as I saw them, anyway.
So, that’s what I’m attempting to explore in this review here. And, of course, you can choose to read or not read the book for yourself. A word of caution though, before we delve: if you are recovering from eating disorders or surrounding body image issues, please be advised this book may trigger some strong emotions and even behaviors. Any book, dealing with eating disorders and body image, can indeed, be triggering. Heck, I know my book can be triggering.
But I understand and appreciate Weiss’ candor. I believe she’s not trying to glamourize the issue; she’s putting it out there to get it out in the open. There is emphasis on certain foods, menus, different planning methods for weight loss, as well as a focus on different weight numbers. All of this can be triggering. But, if you’re going to write a book about it, I understand you need to put that in there.
With that in mind, however, I categorized that information into the following: what I believe to be the negative points, the Fallout, the Mother/Daughter element and its dilemma and finally, the positive points.
First, the negative aspects…
How did the whole odyssey start? Weiss’ daughter, Bea was not an overweight baby. But, as she grew into a toddler, weight became an issue, not just in Weiss’ eyes, but also with the pediatrician. So, around the age of six, there was an increasing focus on Bea’s need for weight loss.
And repeatedly, throughout the book, Weiss, indeed, states that her daughter had a health crisis, like that of Diabetes. She wasn’t doing this for vanity; it was to stop future health issues. And that’s commendable.
But, as I kept reading, I was struck by how much emphasis on the specific numbers and results of a certain weight. There were detailed records of Bea being up a half a pound here or down a half a pound there as the diet plan went into full force. There was not much attention to feeling better, lowering high blood pressure or sugar levels. There wasn’t much emphasis, in my opinion, on the tangible health benefits of a healthier lifestyle. It was all about losing weight to avoid the horrific potential problem of having Bea become an overweight child. I understand that stigma, having been an overweight child myself. It’s painful to experience the rejection, scrutiny and taunts which come from being overweight. But there needs to be a focus on health, not just appearance or perception. The child needs to know the importance of taking care of his/her body to live a healthy life. It’s not just about appearance, looking pretty or fitting into fashionable clothes. As I read on, I felt like sometimes the pursuit was just to attain the goal of not being an overweight child. That’s where it stopped.
And, it should be noted, according to child weight percentiles from Bea’s physician, Bea was, indeed, diagnosed as “obese.” So, I can understand the alarm that may have set off with Weiss. Add to that, her lifelong weight struggles, I’m sure she wanted better for her daughter than her childhood experiences. I know this was a confounding issue for the entire family, not just mother and daughter.
Intentions may start out well, but it’s easy to get caught up in a momentum of results and the power they hold. Whether good or bad, however defined, all too quickly, success or failure hinges on them. The destination is everything; the journey is therefore, only a frustrating creature.
So, often, there were questionable decisions made to achieve the weight loss goal. Processed food was chosen over healthier fair, simply because it had fewer calories. And Diet Coke was perceived to be more desirable option for seven year old Bea than a too caloric, too sugary Shirley Temple beverage.
And exercise? Dance classes were mentioned, as well as Bea’s genuine interest in Karate. But Weiss, herself, admits she doesn’t exercise herself. Again, the bottom line- does it work powerfully to lose weight? If not, why bother? That’s the message I got, anyway.
And, there’s something else which sticks in my craw. I didn’t see much in the book about Bea’s other interests or activities. I know Weiss loves and values her daughter, but where was the nurturing of her creative and academic interests? What about the reading/book programs for Bea? Did she love to draw? Paint? Write? Sing? What else was she focusing on besides losing weight? Was that where all the focus went?
And, me being me, subscribing the tremendous impact God has upon a life, where was the spiritual pursuit? I personally wondered if Bea believed in God, even as this young child. I’m sorry, but, because God had a profound impact in my life and in my recovery, I feel the spiritual component needs to be there in order to have a healthier, fuller life. It’s my opinion- but hopefully, not a glass house boulder.
Like I said, throughout the book, there was a great deal of emphasis on results, mainly Bea’s weight loss. During this diet process, there were numerous “setbacks” and “successes.” And, by the time Bea turned eight, she was close to her goal of weighing seventy-seven pounds. Weiss, to me, seemed more obsessed with that number than Bea. I know the “magic number” to a particular weight or dress size. How many of us women determine our worth or happiness according to digits? It’s there, I get that.
What had me further concerned (again, red flags), was that upon Bea finally reaching that “magical 77,” her pediatrician declared, “She doesn’t need to lose any more.” And, with that declaration, there was celebration and positive attention toward Bea; Weiss was proud.
But, I also detected something else. I detected an uncertainty about what to do next. After all, the goal had been reached. Now what? Whether it was just my observation or something Weiss was truly experiencing, I felt there was a kind of lost quality. Perhaps, even more troubling, there was a disappointment at not needing to go further, to lose more weight. As someone who, at the height of my anorexia, kept moving the target weight loss to lower and lower goals, again, the momentum can get addictive. Was that what Weiss was experiencing? I know she loved Bea, but was there ever a thought going on, toying with the thought, “another five or ten pounds would be even better.” I had that thought- and, no matter how low my weight became, it never was better; it never was “enough.”
Anyway, upon reaching the goal weight, Weiss documents Bea’s ongoing weight struggle. And that presents the fallout of this child diet, as well as the dilemma of the tricky mother/daughter enmeshment issue which is often part of disordered eating issues.
Bea is a precocious little girl, wise beyond her years. She’s made a few statements, post diet, which are unsettling to me. Between mother and daughter, there were numerous arguments and power struggles over food issues, mainly “don’t eat that because…”
Reflecting upon her dieting experience, Bea does seem to resign herself to “needing” to always watch her weight:
“It may sound sad, but it’s my life, you know? Once you start going on a diet, it makes you feel great, but inside you know that you’re different from other people. And you’ll never be able to change that.”
She was seven years old when she said that, by the way. What were you thinking when you were seven? What should a child be thinking at this age? Should it be dieting?
And then, Bea reflects on being “different.” Most kids recoil at that thought. Acceptance is paramount when you’re a child. Fitting in is the name of the game and in this next statement, Bea mentions her reality:
“I feel cut off from the other kids, because I feel like they don’t have to go on a special diet. They don’t have to do something special. Just because I have to makes me different.”
Bea seems to have accepted this will be her lifelong issue.
“Even if I fit in and I’m not fatter than the rest of the kids, that’s who I was: the fat girl. And that’s who I’m always going to be. Even if I change, I’m always going to be known as that person.”
Again, these words are coming from a seven year old. It’s heartbreaking to believe Bea will always have an inner image which she sees so negatively. A lot of us struggle with our own inner images.
But, just when you think this little girl couldn’t sound any wiser, she addresses her true feelings about her weight loss:
“I think I’ve changed half of the way, but not that I fixed my entire life. Because that isn’t true. Who can fix their entire life when they’re eight?”
It’s out of the mouths of babes.
So, is there hope for Bea? Are there more positive or negative results from this diet project? It’s hard to say; it’s too premature to say. And that’s where the dilemma and the power of the mother/daughter issue come into play.
Weiss herself isn’t even fully certain of the results. She has mixed feelings throughout the book about what good or harmful effects are occurring during the diet. She worries about Bea developing fear and guilt about food, self-loathing and hatred of her body and potential eating disorders in the years to come:
“As for the risk of eating disorder?... I think that’s either in Bea’s DNA or not. I hope like crazy that it’s not, but only time will tell.”
Time will tell. Hopefully, she won’t. And there’s the Russian roulette to the dilemma. An eating disorder doesn’t just happen. It’s built through years of experiences, thoughts and messages. And it can happen, even in spite of the best intentions, the happiest home and the most loving family.
And again, I believe Weiss strongly loves her daughter; I believe she wants the best for her daughter. There are some good points in the book.
First, Weiss is opposed to “fat talk.” She refuted that statement when Bea complained, “I’m fat.” That’s admirable. And, concerning impressionable children, it’s powerful.
And then there’s this statement:
“Bea did not need to lose weight to earn my love. She did not need to lose weight to be beautiful…”
The unconditional love is critical. However, I’m still uneasy with the latter part of the statement…
“…But she did need to lose weight to be healthy. Once I understood that her weight problem was a disease, I had no choice but to treat it as such.”
Did she? Does she have a disease? A health crisis? Or is this all just too much emphasis on dangerous and superficial issues? Again, it’s a dilemma. But I am encouraged by one of Weiss’ last statements:
“I love all of her.”
That’s the message each of us need in our lives, families and bodies. All of us are loved. All of all of us!
So, yeah, these are my observations, far from objective.
"Do not judge or you too will be judged.”
Matthew 7:1
After reading the book, how did I feel about it? The term “thought provoking” certainly comes to mind. Is it damaging? No, not necessarily. It’s Weiss’ perspective. And how much of that perspective, through the editing process, was steered toward the exclusive focus on all things “triggering” to those of us with food, weight and body image issues? Unfortunately, child obesity is on the rise. Unfortunately, it is a health issue.
But the squirmier issue is placing any child on a diet. Should it ever be done? In what context? With what approach? What should also accompany that particular plan? At what point is it necessary intervention versus harmful obsession? I don’t have those answers.
I do appreciate Weiss’ honesty with a very unpopular subject. No one likes to look at and deal with the tough unpopular stuff. But, to one degree or another, we need to.
Again, make up your own mind; read or don’t read the book. And again, use caution if you’re sensitive to the “triggers” of the discussed issues. You, more than likely, will have a strong response.
I believe, regardless, it’s a subject worth discussing. Hopefully, we can reach some healthy, relevant and achievable solutions.
Copyright © 2013 by Sheryle Cruse
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