“Fine, if others know about it…”

Surrender. It’s a big power buzz word in matters of recovery. It’s the shift in thinking from disorder/addiction to wellness. And it’s deeply personal and unique. How much more, then, is the surrender issue concerning God? However, often the assumption is that “surrendering” is some King James English version of falling to one’s knees in a prayer posture.

Well, that may be the case for some individuals, but not for me. Don’t get me wrong, I had every bit of the exhaustion, despair and shame going on. I had reached some moment of truth.

I discuss it in my book, “Thin Enough: My Spiritual Journey Through the Living Death of an Eating Disorder.” “I was on a spiritual merry-go-round... Did God hate me? Did He think of me as a hopeless failure? I now thought in terms of ‘Am I saved or am I damned?’ Did I lose my soul somewhere because of these eating disorders? Had I gone too far? Seeing myself as His daughter seemed impossible. I couldn’t do that with my father, how was I going to even start with an omnipotent Creator? But now, in the midst of all of this disorder, anger, guilt, shame, ugliness and desperation, I found myself tired and wanting Him more than anything I’d ever wanted before. I wanted God to be real for me, but I felt that the eating disorders stood in my way… I felt constantly surrounded by evil that was seeking to destroy me. Weird stuff, I know. And all this from dieting, you may ask? For most people, the issue of dieting is a simple, harmless one. But for some people, it is a dangerous risk. It’s like Russian roulette. You can choose to play the game, but you can’t guarantee how it will turn out for you. I had no idea that the innocent diet I initially started would bring me to such agonizing, paralyzing lows. I had no idea that when I started this whole diet merry-go-round, I would find myself at the mercy of these evil lies. Be careful. Be careful what you allow yourself to believe. Know this: any strategy, plan, and certainly any disorder are not your answer. God is. ‘For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb.’ Psalm 139:13 …I had to make a decision. The merry-go-round and the endless yo-yoing were too much. I made a decision that gradually impacted everything in my world. I decided ‘Fine God, if others know about this, fine. I’m tired.’ I now felt deeply excavated, lying dormant, and waiting for death. As I was lying in bed, the picture of Jesus with Jairus’ daughter flashed back to me. Like her, I was dead to so many things. I remembered all the times my thin self, my overweight self, and my every-in-between-stage self felt like nothing more than a hopeless, dead girl. I was tired on so many levels and dismissed it, at first, as just being exhaustion on my part. And then, I remembered… ‘Little girl, I say unto you, arise.’” Yes, the scripture passage of Mark 5:35-43 has altered my life and relationship with God. “While he yet spake, there came from the ruler of the synagogue's house certain which said, Thy daughter is dead: why troublest thou the Master any further? As soon as Jesus heard the word that was spoken, he saith unto the ruler of the synagogue, Be not afraid, only believe. And he suffered no man to follow him, save Peter, and James, and John the brother of James. And he cometh to the house of the ruler of the synagogue, and seeth the tumult, and them that wept and wailed greatly. And when he was come in, he saith unto them, Why make ye this ado, and weep? the damsel is not dead, but sleepeth. And they laughed him to scorn. But when he had put them all out, he taketh the father and the mother of the damsel, and them that were with him, and entereth in where the damsel was lying. And he took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha cumi; which is, being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise. And straightway the damsel arose, and walked; for she was of the age of twelve years. And they were astonished with a great astonishment. And he charged them straitly that no man should know it; and commanded that something should be given her to eat.” It made things “real” to me in a way it had never been before. God wants His Word and His relationship with you to also be real. The point to surrender, recovery and relationship with Him, indeed, is to be real. He knows exactly what’s going on. He’s waiting. He’s inviting. But we need to accept His invitation. Will we? Copyright © 2013 by Sheryle Cruse