Right Weight

Those two words have been with me since childhood. It was something introduced to me by my mother when she was obsessed with both of our weight statuses. “Right weight” was the goal, the perfect answer which would fix everything and make us happy.

I speak more about our complicated mother/daughter/food/diet relationship in my book, “Thin Enough: My Spiritual Journey Through the Living Death of an Eating Disorder.” Indeed, that tricky relationship contributed to my disordered eating and negative body issues. It took me through anorexia, bulimia, binge overeating, an identity and spiritual crisis, as well as constant self-loathing. The following excerpt details just a fraction of the harmful and devastating path I was on, as I believed the “right weight” lie: “…My first diet ended almost when it started, beginning an endless dieting rollercoaster. Diet after diet would start with this angelic-choir Hallelujah moment, followed by this new revelation that “This is the diet. Diet ye in it.” Oftentimes, Mom and I would treat dieting as a buddy project. Mom and I would always start on what day? Monday! Yes, Monday was always the day of the fresh start, the answer. Whenever Mom and I were inspired to go on a diet, we’d have one last Sunday blowout, eating all of the “bad food” to get it out of our systems. We were ready to begin our new lives! Question: Do you believe there are foods that are “good” foods and others that are “bad” foods? On Monday, there would be commitment and enthusiasm! We’d throw out all the junk food and swear it off forever. We’d institute an exercise program, complete with graph paper and gold stars. Together, we would begin arm circle exercises, bicycle kicks and sit-ups. Looking back, I find it fitting that these exercises were all movement and no destination. We were moving alright, we just weren’t going anywhere. There would also be the measurement, weighing, and counting of ingredients and calories. Mom and I even had our own little notepads, recording our daily menus. We could usually keep it up for two or three days. Monday was a great start, but every day after it led to our downfall. With each passing day, the Hallelujah choir, singing the praises of our new diet, was replaced by the songs of our siren stomachs, luring us with praises of forbidden food. Gradually, our written record of “baked potato with pad of butter and carrot sticks” for lunch simply became “potato” (as in chips). Mom and I couldn’t bring ourselves to write down the truth, the whole-bag-of-potato-chips truth and nothing-but-potato-chip truth. I couldn’t understand why it didn’t work. Mom and I did everything right. (Everything except pray and trust in God). We had measured everything, except why we were really doing this. “All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes; But the Lord weighs the spirits.” Proverbs 16:2 Our buzz phrase was, “When we get down to our right weight…” Of course, that must mean we were at our wrong weight. We tried, but eventually, chocolate cake, potato chips and French fries’ invitations were too strong. They knew our names, and frequently sent us messages: Chocolate cake kept in touch, ‘Come on, just one bite. Look how sweet I am.’ Potato chips were always friendly and social. “Look how crunchy and satisfying I am.” And of course, the one that always worked with me… (Any food whatsoever): ‘You’ll feel better with me. Honest. Come on. You know I still love you.’ And I loved food back. It felt like God to me. Or at least what God should have felt like to me. Food gave me the love, comfort, companionship, parenting, and friendship that I should have found in God. Whenever there was happiness, I turned to food. Whenever there was sorrow, I turned to food. Whenever there was frustration, I turned to food. Whenever there was boredom, uncertainty, pain, any emotion, any feeling in life, I turned to food instead of God. “But food does not commend us to God…” 1 Corinthians 8:8 Eventually food turned on me. I thought I was happy with my best friend, but I still felt that I was ‘wrong.’” Indeed, often those of us with eating disorders and body image issues view “right” as the “thin, perfect answer,” never quite realizing it’s a faulty expectation, overpromising and under-delivering the entire time. It’s taken me years of recovery and my personal Christian faith to recognize my Machiavellian way of being thin at all costs was a sure road to death and despair, not life and certainly not happiness. “There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death.” Proverbs 14:12 It’s taken me years to discover there is no such thing as the “right weight.” There is, however, the very real issue of health. That’s a better focus to have in life. And, because God is a good and loving God, health is something He wishes each of us to experience: spiritually, emotionally and physically. “Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth.” 3 John 1:2 It’s not a one-time thing; it’s a daily process, as much as the unfolding life process is for each one of us. “But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.” 2 Corinthians 3:18 So, the challenge becomes living healthy, even as imperfect beings. Free yourself from the prison of “right weight.” Live healthy; live Godly. That’s truly God’s Will for your life! “‘For I know the thoughts that I think toward you,’ says the Lord, ‘thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.’” Jeremiah 29:11 Copyright © 2013 by Sheryle Cruse