Braid: Enmeshment?

I’ve been working on an application for a speakers’ conference, dealing with the mother/daughter enmeshment issue. So, you know it’s fun times ahead. A large part of what kicked this off for me involves the magnitude of the issue in my eating disorder situation. It’s not about blame; it’s about explaining its impact. And it is a factor for a lot of us out there. As if the mother/daughter relationship was not complicated enough. Anyway, the prep brought me back to a drawing I did years ago, encapsulating, for me, the enmeshment factor. This drawing, entitled “Braids” addresses how both Mom and I are joined by a linking braid.

The back story is as follows. Mom was photographed at age five with two braids. And, when I was the same age, Mom was inspired to, likewise, have me photographed with the same hairstyle. The thought, I’m sure, was innocent at the time. But it seems to underscore a more murky reality: individuality was not encouraged. “Sameness,” however, was. And that played out for me throughout my childhood and adolescence as stifled individuality, frustration, resentment and, eventually, a declaration of independence, known as eating disorders erupted. Self-expression, anger, rebellion and cries for help were part of why the eating disorder behaviors began and thrived as they did. I wanted to be separate; I didn’t want to be “her.” I wanted to be ME! Simple enough, right? Unfortunately, whether things like family image and loyalty, abuse or unresolved situations are present, the enmeshing can happen all too quickly and awaken the beast. Throughout years of therapy, having a relationship with God and learning who I am, apart from my mother, I’ve come to learn just how being yourself is not a sin or a betrayal. For years, I thought it was exactly that. It’s about learning- and embracing- the truth and granting ourselves permission to be who we are, even if that is nothing like our mothers. John 8:32 is exactly right: “The truth shall set you free.” I’ve been learning a few things, years later about my mother and myself. They’re not easy lessons, but they have been blessings, all the same. Some of these include… You are not responsible or to blame for your mother’s decisions or issues. You have a responsibility to respect your mother, even if you don’t like her. You have a responsibility to forgive your mother. You are not your mother; you are your own unique person, created by God. You need to address not only eating disorder issues, but also issues of abuse, trauma and addiction (both as individuals and as a family). God as specifically created each one of us to be unique individuals. We may resemble our mothers. I’ve had traits which are like her (looking in the mirror can sometimes be startling). But, nevertheless, I am a woman in my own right. I am a human being, with distinct attributes, talents and characteristics. I have my very own soul, mind and spirit. It’s not braided to my mother’s; it is within me. And it is within you. The sum of a mother/daughter braid is not greater than its parts. You are your own braid, splendid in its entirety. No matter what kind of relationship issues you have with your mother, you are one of a kind. Don’t fight it; embrace it. And give yourself permission to be yourself. “I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made…” Psalm 139:14 It’s exactly who God created you to be! Copyright © 2013 by Sheryle Cruse