"Right Weight" Words

Words. Such dynamite is contained in those few letters. As a writer and a speaker, words are my tools. I write them, speak them, pray with them, study them and yes, occasionally, I probably annoy others with them. But I cannot deny their importance in my life. They are communication and often, life itself. Scripture tells us words are simply not neutral. “Death and life [are] in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.” Proverbs 18:21 And two words, in particular, which were particularly powerful for me since childhood were the words, “right weight.”

Mom introduced this phrase to me as a young girl. It was a promised land goal as we both struggled to cope with the abuse we endured in our home. We fluctuated from being “food buddies” to “diet buddies,” on again, off again, on again, off again, for years. And then, it became a matter of life and death. First, slowly and oh, so gradually to our psyches… And the, eventually, to our very lives. I talk about its stronghold in my book, “Thin Enough…” Our buzzphrase was, “When we get down to our right weight…” Of course, that must mean we were at our wrong weight. We tried, but eventually, chocolate cake, potato chips and French fries’ invitations were too strong. They knew our names, and frequently sent us messages: Chocolate cake kept in touch, “Come on, just one bite. Look how sweet I am.” Potato chips were always friendly and social. “Look how crunchy and satisfying I am.” And of course, the one that always worked with me… (Any food whatsoever): “You’ll feel better with me. Honest. Come on. You know I still love you.” And I loved food back. It felt like God to me. Or at least what God should have felt like to me. Food gave me the love, comfort, companionship, parenting, and friendship that I should have found in God. Whenever there was happiness, I turned to food. Whenever there was sorrow, I turned to food. Whenever there was frustration, I turned to food. Whenever there was boredom, uncertainty, pain, any emotion, any feeling in life, I turned to food instead of God… …I thought I was happy with my best friend, but I still felt that I was “wrong.” I was becoming so very aware of exactly how unacceptable I was. It was frequently pointed out to me. Diets were first. Then came the insults, the jokes, the strategies… “Fatty, Fatty, two by four, can’t get through her own front door!” “She doesn’t have to be on our team, does she?” …“Kids can be cruel…” …I came home from school each day and eased my pain with a stack of Oreo cookies, peanut butter and pickle sandwiches, potato chips and milk. I could feel better with my “true friends.” Insults and jokes from adults were different though. Weren’t they supposed to know better? Comments like, “You’re looking a little pudgy lately,” and “Be careful, honey, you don’t want to get much fatter now” came from my family and neighbors... …I hated one comment most of all. It mainly came from family. In a patronizing, sickly sweet voice, someone would say to me, “You have such a pretty face, if you’d just lose some weight…” There! So my body was what was wrong with me after all! It hurt even more because this comment dangled the hope of beauty, and yet placed the blame on me, a little girl, for not achieving it. It was my fault. So, what was set in motion was my eating disorder road of anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, self-hatred and a spiritual crisis, all hinging upon the following lie: “I am not acceptable- by anyone, God included.” “Right weight…” Words… Death and life… I risked my life, health and spiritual connection with God, all due to the negative gravity of those words. And, even though my mother never was anorexic or bulimic herself, she still, however, has spent the entirety of her life (at least what I’ve seen and known of her) grappling with the over-promise/under-delivery of those words to be her ultimate answer. She’s been what is considered, by medical standards, to be “morbidly obese” for well over thirty years now. And she has not been unscathed by chasing that dangled carrot of “right weight.” She has now been diagnosed with Type II Diabetes. She has high blood pressure and has had at least two strokes. And those strokes have left her unable to walk. She spends most of her time in her wheelchair. Yet, even to this day, when I attend her doctor’s appointments or care conferences, she still talks about getting down to her “right weight.” I am challenged by feelings of frustration, hurt and defeat when I hear her still speak that way. Old habits, I guess, die hard. “Death and life [are] in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.” Proverbs 18:21 Sobering. There’s no denying it. We believe words. It’s just a matter of which words capture our minds and our mouths. Disturbing… Provoking… But still, not completely hopeless. Because, after all, we still have God…and His Word… “…Man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD.” Deuteronomy 8:3 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, says the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9 “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go: I will guide you with My eye.” Psalm 32:8 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6 “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11 “The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, ‘Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.’” Jeremiah 31:3 What would happen if we believed, spoke and lived these words instead of the more limited words of “right weight?” Whether or not we know it or believe it, it is all within reach. It’s within the power of the tongue. Copyright © 2013 by Sheryle Cruse