“Eating rituals: Refers to compulsive behaviors
surrounding eating. When the ritualistic behaviors are interrupted, patients
often experience intense anxiety and may refuse to eat at all.
Examples of rituals include: weighing and measuring food, sometimes repeatedly,
eating specific foods and in a particular order, use of a particular
bowl/plate/glass, cutting food into small pieces, disassembling food, eating a
rigid amount of calories and stopping once that amount is reached, eating only
at specified times. Rituals are often evident in binge eating; such as a specific pattern of
purchasing/gathering large quantities of food, which is usually consumed in
secrecy during binge episodes. Rituals are also seen in EDNOS and bulimia nervosa. In bulimia, rituals include amassing
and ingesting large quantities of food, followed by purging (compensatory behavior),
usually in secrecy.”
Most of us
are aware of the superstition concept. Whether it is such things as the number
13, black cats or the danger of walking under a ladder, there’s the guarantee
if we heed a particular superstition in the right way, we will be safe.
It reminded
me of eating disorder behavior. Often, the rituals involved can serve as a
comforting, protective superstition.
For
instance, when I was at the height of my anorexia, each morning, I had an
exacting routine, including, but not limited to, physical exercise and diet.
Starting out, I prayed each morning to God to die early. I know, morbid.
Nevertheless, I had both an overwhelming worst case fear of God and a
simultaneous plea of Him for relief.
I wanted the pain and the struggle to end. And because of these thoughts, I,
likewise, believed if I skipped even one morning
of this routine, I’d be eternally doomed.
So, okay, with
morning prayers said, next, we’re on to the exercise portion of my
superstition. Again, I had to follow, to the letter, a precise regimen. I
needed to do at least four to six hours of cardio and weights, followed by no
less than 1,000 sit ups. If I didn’t to this routine in its perfect sequential
order (cardio, then weights, then sit ups), panic would overtake me and I was
thoroughly convinced I would be ruined (a/k/a, “fat”).
And,
concerning my diet, it gradually dwindled to fewer and fewer calories. At
first, I had one foot long Subway sandwich a day. That gave way to half a foot
long sandwich. Months later, I moved to an all liquid diet. I started with a
diet drink, combined with pineapple juice. A month later, that changed to
strictly orange juice. I never went above 1,000 calories, and, if I did, man,
was there ever hell to pay for that! Eventually, my limit was five hundred
calories a day. And finally yes, there were
days of starvation, accompanied by oppressive hours of six plus hours a day
until my “penance” was finished.
Concerning
these food rituals, there was also had a strict timing to them. I usually ate only once a day, at a specific
time, if I ate at all. And if that was, in any way, interrupted, again, anxiety
would build. I’d be irritated, fearful of “missing my window of opportunity.” I
didn’t want it to be “too late” to engage in my safe routine. So, I was not
social. Gatherings were out of the question, especially if it infringed upon my
chosen eating timeslot. And, on the rare occasion I was involved in a social
gathering, I never ate or drank anything. After all, I was biding my time,
controlling my setting to one exclusively including only what I chose to eat or drink, never what
anyone else offered.
“…When determining
if an individual has developed obsessive regimented “rules” for eating, it’s
best to look for common signs and symptoms that characterize their love/hate
relationship with food…“Freaky” eating behaviors and patterns to look out for
include:
·
Cutting food
into tiny pieces
·
Showing
discomfort when eating in front of others
·
Labeling
certain foods as good and other foods as bad – strictly avoiding the ‘bad’
foods
·
Not allowing
certain foods to touch each other on the same plate
·
A desire to
keep food habits or patterns as secretive or low-key as possible
A tumultuous
relationship with food can cause an individual to experience low self- esteem,
cause social isolation due to avoidance of eating with others and can impair an
individual’s mood as a result of decreased intake and/or concerns about
intake.”
In addition,
other strict elements “insured” I was safe in my routine. I needed to hold and
look at small charms a few times a day, as touchstones.
I also had
certain images I viewed with the same “touchstone” intention. Back then, it was
inspiration; today, however, these images would be known as “thinspiration” or
“thinspo.” It was all about keeping me “focused” to be thin at all cost. Control
was at the root of it all. If I did everything accordingly, I was in control.
Secretly, however, I knew I was the exact opposite.
“I was not in safety, neither had I rest,
neither was I quiet; yet trouble came.”
Job 3:26
Again, it
was about safety. I was attempting to reassure myself.
Years later,
in recovery, I see how gradual the process is of feeling safe in the world.
Life is uncertain. There’s nothing we can do to change that fact. And it’s
sobering and humbling to face it.
Nevertheless,
we have God, Who is in control.
“And thou shalt be secure, because
there is hope; yea… and thou shalt take thy rest in safety. Also thou shalt lie
down, and none shall make thee afraid...”
Job 11:18-19
And He’s
beyond any of our routines, rituals
and obsessions. There is safety with
Him. It’s stronger than our rituals/superstitions which are mere vain
imaginations…
“Casting down imaginations, and every
high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into
captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;”
2 Corinthians 10:5
Likewise, my
fears driving those rituals/superstitions have also been dramatically lessened
over the years. It’s getting rid of the worst case scenario judgment and
recognizing that there is nothing too hard for God…
“Behold, I am the Lord,
the God of all flesh. Is there anything too hard for Me?”
Jeremiah 32:27
And
realizing that God is there to each us through and often, in spite of each fear is extremely comforting. No, it’s often not
instantaneous; it’s a gradual process which requires us to face our scary
fears. That’s not easy.
Still, no
matter the success, the failure or the choice, God is there.
“Trust in the Lord
with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways
acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”
Proverbs 3:5-6
And,
likewise, concerning the fears/choices which have been a part of our disordered
eating and image issues, there is a Godly freedom which is offered to us; it’s
not an automatic worst case scenario…
“All things are lawful for me, but all things
are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not.”
1
Corinthians 10:23
“All
things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are
lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.”
God is there
for us, for freedom.
Therefore,
let us really challenge our superstitions for what they are: vain imaginations.
We are safe; God is still God.
Thank God for that!
Copyright © 2015 by Sheryle Cruse
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