I am astounded by the number of young people who
approach me with such intense self-loathing. I frequently hear them say things
like…
“I hate myself; I’m so ugly, disgusting and stupid.”
“I hate myself. There’s nothing good about me.”
When I ask them, however, why they feel that way, I usually get this response:
“I don’t know.”
“For what I am doing, I do not understand...”
Romans 7:15
Statistics show…
“One in every 200 girls
between 13 and 19 years old, or one-half of one percent, cut themselves
regularly.”
“The three leading
causes of death for 15 to 24-year-olds are automobile crashes, homicides and suicides – alcohol is a
leading factor in all three.”
“About
20 percent of teens will experience depression before they reach adulthood.”
“Suicide is the third- leading cause of
death for 15 to 24 year olds in America.”
It reminds me, of a South Pacific musical number, “You’ve
Got To Be Carefully Taught.” Its theme was learning racism. However, the song’s
lyrics are too eerily close to teaching self-hatred:
“You’ve
got to be taught to hate and fear. You’ve got to be taught from year to year. It
has to be drummed in your dear little ear. You’ve got to be carefully taught…”
It seems to be reflected in so many young people’s
minds now. Self-hatred is never far from the conversation. Threats of suicide
and self-injury often pop up.
“For as he thinketh in
his heart, so is he...”
Proverbs 23:7
Unrealistic body images, consumerism, and conditional
love statements are just a few examples of things which are “carefully taught.”
And we usually don’t see the damage until years later
when, for instance, “all of a sudden,” someone has an eating disorder or is a
cutter. And then we ask what happened?
The reality is, often times, eating disorder sufferers
and self-injurers, these kids with tremendous self-hatred, are the “good kids.”
They’re the pleasers, the overachievers and the ones we tell ourselves we’ll “never
have to worry about.”
Perhaps, we didn’t teach these kids as carefully as we
should have about their inherent,
everlasting value. The kids learned all too much, all too often, toxic,
manipulative and distorted lessons. And they didn’t learn God’s lessons about
their worth, beauty and identity.
“For my thoughts are not
your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My
ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.”
Isaiah 55:8-9
Things like…
“Since you were precious
in my sight… I have loved you…”
Isaiah 43:4
Whenever I speak with a young person, a large challenge
I have is convincing them of this scripture’s relevant truth for them,
individually and personally. They are not excluded.
“…‘God
is no respecter of persons.’”
Acts
10:34
But that Truth has such toxic competition with this world’s
harmful messages.
And today’s youth, unfortunately, are repeatedly
“carefully taught” its destructive “exclusive” lesson. Whether it’s the
preferential treatment of high school popularity, bullying or the emphasis of
celebrity status, the message conveyed is often the beautiful/worthy people are
included, while the worthless, ugly and defective people are to be shut out.
And another toxic message, the “conditional love”
message, is also constantly bombarding us- and of course, today’s youth.
Indeed, this “conditional love” can come from such avenues as popular culture,
school or even from the family unit itself. Whether it’s conscious or not,
intentional or not, the message is this: results are prized, warranting love,
affection and positive affirmation. If, however, the individual does not obtain these desired results, then
he/she is worthless.
I have personally experienced this kind of
“conditional love message” myself.
“I
desperately wanted my dad to notice me…My perfect attendance record in school
is an excellent example. For three years in a row, I did not missed one day…knowing
that I would win a perfect attendance certificate, proof I was worthwhile…So
for the next few years, I went to school with colds, sore throats and
influenza…
When I reached junior high, I became
so sick I had to stay home…After three days home, my dad…decided he would take
me into school...he was fuming…I got up the nerve to ask him, “Do you still
love me?” His answer? “If you do this again, I won’t.” …I had to prove myself
in order to be loved...”
(Excerpt
taken from Cruse’s book, “Thin Enough: My Spiritual Journey Through the Living
Death of an Eating Disorder”)
Just like I did, years ago, vulnerable youth are often
left to personalize this conditional love message. Besides eating disorders,
body image and self-esteem issues, addictions, self-injury, and suicidal
thoughts/actions can also occur.
These toxic messages exalt a temporary or nonexistent
estimation, like image, fame, achievement or money to make someone loveable and
valuable. When we, therefore, subscribe such god-like importance to them, the cries
for help from our youth often occur.
Any message which promotes hatred/rejection of self is
not from God.
“Hatred stirreth up
strifes: but love covereth all sins.”
Proverbs 10:12
That’s, perhaps, the most
dangerous message a young person can receive: God hates him/her. “God
is love” (1 John 4:16), sadly, is not their experience. Again, we have
allowed ourselves to be carefully taught, seemingly everything else except God’s Love and Word. Repeatedly,
God tells us He loves each one of us- unconditionally, faithfully.
“…‘Yea,
I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have
I drawn thee.”
Jeremiah
31:3
“But God demonstrates His
own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:8
He commands us also love each other…
“This is my commandment, That ye love one
another, as I have loved you.”
John 15:12
But that love must begin with self. We may nod our heads and roll our eyes at that statement, but
we still have so much difficulty living
it. We hate ourselves in the name of achieving acceptance, popularity, success and
unrealistic beauty and image standards. I’ve seen it; I’ve done it.
How many addictions, disorders and suicides does it
take? Who’s expendable enough to be the sacrificial lamb? When does the insane self-hatred
lesson stop being taught?
God is not the enemy; we are, often times! In every harmful and wrong message, when will
we accept and teach this one, when it comes to a person’s value?
“For
God so loved the world, he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth
in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”
John 3:16
Copyright
© 2019 by Sheryle Cruse
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