Conditioning

Daily, mundane routines can capture the deeper issues in our lives.

Like a lot of people out there, my hair has vexed me. Memories of snarls and pulling at my head, using “No More Tears” hair detangler certainly did not matters. And I never looked like the pretty, golden-haired little girl, enjoying the bonding experience with the beautiful, blonde mother, featured on the bottle.

I’ve spent the greater part of my life battling my hair. Hence, hair conditioner. And, as I’ve been battling my various OTHER issues, family dysfunction and abuse, being at the top of the list, I’ve recently seen how there is, indeed, a common denominator: conditioning, as the practiced tactic, and, as some would say, the “solution.”

A documentary on hair once espoused that the universal desire of people with hair problems is that they have a “manageable” coiffure.

Whether curly, wavy, straight, kinky, fine, coarse, long or short, people just don’t want to battle their hair all day long.

Therefore, hair conditioner promises to fix our woes. Check out what is declared on the bottles:

“To moisturize, nourish and protect.”

“Tames and smooths”

“Vibrant and beautiful!”

As I contemplated some of hair conditioner’s promises, I saw striking similarities to abusive dynamics.

Like many conditioners out there, abuse’s goals are often to…

Protect:

How many conditioners promise to protect the delicate strands of hair from harm, damage and breakage?

My life has been littered with bottles, assuring me that my snarl-prone ‘do would not suffer any further havoc. I was safe using this magic potion.

Aren’t we all promised safety with this haircare product? Indeed, ingredients like Biotin and Keratin are often offered to keep our manes in their full glories.

Abuse and dysfunction, likewise, in their deluded perspectives, also believe protection is happening, employing their own ingredients:  manipulation, gaslighting, isolation, threats and misuses of money and power.

The emphasis is on the protection of the image, the reputation, the “system” the abuser has going on. Nothing can threaten that “status quo.” It must be protected, no matter what.

The abuser may say things like…

“…You don’t need to work and make money. I’ll take care of you…”

“…I just want it to be the two of us…”

“…You don’t need friends. You have me…”

The “protection” ensures no outsider can peek into the reality, which is often shame and secret-ridden and physically, emotionally and mentally harmful. Protection from outside critiques or influences, therefore, must be prevented and destroyed. Abuse is the only world allowed to flourish.

Smooth Things:

Conditioners often tout their ability to make one’s hair the ultimate in silky smoothness.

I have a slight natural wave that gets feisty with humidity.

And I live in Minnesota.

Therefore, some smooth silky reality would be nice to, again, keep things manageable on top of my head.

Here’s where ingredients like Argan and Coconut Oil are presented as the must-have solutions to hair woes. The focus is on de-emphasizing “unruly” curls, waves and, of course, the dreaded “frizz.”

Beat that hair into submission.

And, once again, the abuser’s playbook has some similar motives and strategies: to keep the peace at all cost. Make things look more “pleasing” than what they are.

“Smoothing out” things, in an abuse context, may look like this…

…Convincing institutions like houses of worship, schools and court systems that there is some “misunderstanding,” usually because the person being abused is presented as “crazy, troubled, sick” and, therefore, needs the abuser to look after him or her…

…Lying, just outright lying. The abuser knows the truth is against him/her. So, building a Machiavellian case, with any ends justifying any means, is necessary. Lying, using charm and, yes, smoothing any circumstance is implemented to prevent and stop an outsider from asking some inconvenient questions…

…Bribing and bartering. Yes, really. A deal, that was “too good to be true” was promised, one often involving- quelle surprise- large amounts of money and, just like that, the person gets sold out. Yes, indeed, deals do get made, secret deals. When an abuser is involved, opportunistic schemes can abound…

Control Things:

Conditioner promises us the illusive guarantee of complete and perfect control.

These products claim to correct and alter our hair shafts, paving the way for perfect hair.

Again, whatever unruly and undesirable state of hair you and I are enduring, there still seems to be this unrealistic expectation that we will reach perfection with it.

So, we apply the conditioning.

Abuse is similar also, in this respect. It is all about keeping things contained. Just like the other mechanisms of conditioning, there is emphasis on keeping something or someone from doing something outside of the bounds of the abuser’s permission and altering another individual’s life.

Such as…

“…Trapping” the victim: in example: taking his/her car keys, relocating the person to an isolated area, monitoring their phone usage…

…Limiting the individual’s choices: their appearance, what they eat, how they dress, what they say, their interactions with family and friends…

“…Convincing” them that they need to live like this. If they deviate from this premise, they are shamed-conditioned- to believe they are wrong, at fault, defective, ungrateful, stupid, crazy or “not good enough” in any way…

Weighed Down:

Here’s a lesson I learned, early on, about hair conditioner. Despite its many promises, it can weigh your locks down. Over the years, I have tried to have smooth, sleek, manageable hair, only to achieve a limp, stringy result.

Too much conditioning? Too much manipulation of my hair when I should have just shampooed it and gotten on with my life?

Still, with all seriousness, as we look at conditioning within the context of abuse, we can also get weighed down, far too quickly, easily and thoroughly.

One can argue that abuse takes a lifetime from which to recover. The conditioning leaves its mark. It leaves us automatically responding to life with maladaptive behaviors that, if we had not been “conditioned,” perhaps, we would have freed us to make healthier choices. It’s an endless, demoralizing rabbit hole to descend into.

Nevertheless, here we are, in whatever condition we are.

Conditioning is all about manipulation. It can be hair; it can be a human being.

The challenge that we face, as we recognize its subtle handywork, indeed, is to reconcile and heal our condition: soul, mind, psyche.

May we all learn what that experience is for our lives.

Copyright © 2020 by Sheryle Cruse