The Slap of Narcissistic Injury

Some of us out have been physically slapped. If so, you know how startling it is. It can leave many of us in shock, unsure about how to respond.

Years ago, I encountered the slap of Narcissistic injury. I didn’t know what to call it back then, other than painful and jarring. But now, I’ve been able to learn some more of the finer points of abusive behavior, beyond just the vague, generic labeling of it as abuse.

The specific encounter involved a group project within my church. There were people, divided into teams, in charge of different tasks and responsibilities. Of course, there was leadership involved, overseeing the various aspects of the groups and their execution of activities.

And herein lies a major part of the Narcissistic abuse: the value attached to status, title and power.

As we were working on these different tasks and projects, one group member, (let’s call her Melissa), walked away from our team and the work we were doing.

Where did Melissa go?

Like a moth to the flame, she was drawn to a small circle of pastors, engaged in conversation. With plans to be of that same position and title, she, naturally, saw herself flocking amongst these more desirable eagles, rather than, I guess, hanging out with the lowly buzzard churchgoers of this group assignment.

Soon, another separate pastor alerted each group they needed to assemble and work on their respective assignments. However, Melissa did not return to our team. She merely glanced at the pastor, making the announcement, barely acknowledging the directive. Perhaps, she believed that was meant for others, not her. She continued to bask in the glory of the leaders she aspired to be like. Within our group, itself, without everyone present, things were at a standstill. Nothing could get done.

After about five minutes of waiting for her, I walked over to the small circle of pastors, addressing Melissa, requesting she join our group and help with our tasks. The look of offense in her eyes!

She angrily spat, “I’ll be right there!”

I returned to the group and waited, with the other members, for her to eventually, casually, saunter over to us. She then started making passive-aggressive digs at me, targeting me as the fool, the idiot, the evil doer who dared to ask anything of her.

Hello, entitlement.

She repeatedly did this throughout the work session that day. Some of it was within earshot of the other group members and even the pastors. But no one said or did anything. In a state of shock, myself, I didn’t know what else to do, without inflaming things further. I tried to “go to my brother” (Matthew 18:15) with her at a later point, as Scripture advised me to do, but she angrily rebuffed me again.

Okay, got it.

In recent years, I have become more familiar with the term “Narcissistic injury.” It is when an entitled person, usually a Narcissist, reacts to a displeasing communication with their offended reaction. They perceive it as a slight, an affront to their high-status value.

“How dare you!” is often their driving response. It can also have the subtext of “You didn’t do things my way!”

It certainly felt that way concerning Melissa. Indeed, “how dare I” not see how much more important it was for her to hang around the VIP pastors than the mere mortals of our small group? She was, perhaps, “above it.” Therefore, I should respond accordingly.

And, because I didn’t adhere to the situation the way I should have, because I didn’t do things her way…

SLAP!!!

Yes, I had to be punished and corrected (shamed), rather than have her realize and respond to the original job at hand, the reason we were there in the first place. It wasn’t to hob knob with the elite. She was a member of a group, doing, yes, lowly, unglamorous tasks. But she signed up for that. It was not merely her entrance into the ministry career goals she had her sights set on.

How dare I?

Narcissists, inherently, have this expectation that the word will and should revere them as special, as important. When that does not happen, conditions are favorable the fury of that perceived injury. To the Narcissist, the perceived injury is as real as physically losing a limb. It is that painful to them. And, it is completely unacceptable, and, therefore, worthy of retaliation against us.

I dared to challenge/not recognize the Melissa’s higher status.

Furthermore, I dared to remind her of what we were doing. How dare I do that?

Let’s just be real here. At that time of this incident, Melissa was not a pastor. She was not a high-ranking member of ministry. She was a volunteering member of the church, who, supposedly, agreed to work within a small group setting for a common, shared goal.

But clearly, I saw the “preferential treatment” she subscribed to certain individuals, based on their titles and monikers. And, as time unfolded, I saw her climb higher on the ministry ladder. Eventually, she became a leader with a certain level of status and power.

And, once she reached that level of power and status, it seemed like her entitlement issues worsened. There was a lack of humility, she, instead, reveled in the power she wielded.

She was not as interested in doing “the work” of the church as she was interested in achieving the “perks” of church leadership.

And they are two very different things, indeed.

The Entitlement Ratio:

Entitlement is the engine of Narcissistic injury. It’s often what motivates the slap. It appears to be, the greater the entitlement of an individual, the greater the perceived injury will be for the offender. And then, the greater the slap, in response. It does not matter who the person is or what the circumstances are. In the case of Narcissistic injury, the entitlement, the offense, the injury and the slap are in a category of “when,” not “if.”

It will happen. Just wait.

And while you and I wait, with knowledge in hand, it’s equally important not to view this while this as personal against us. It is not. The Narcissist’s insecurity rests with them. It is not something we need to take ownership for.

Melissa, for her many goals of attaining leadership, power and status, inevitably, had issues that very same leadership. She argued with pastors, impeding the work of the ministry everyone claimed to serve.

Entitlement bumping up against entitlement, perhaps?

“When,” not “if?”

There are no sacred cows when it comes to the Narcissist’s perceptions on anything: truth, power, love, relationships, wants, needs. All are vulnerable to injury.

How important it is, then, for us to arm ourselves with that understanding. Application of this knowledge is the power, if not the appropriate “slap” response to any abuse attempt aimed at us.

Copyright © 2020 by Sheryle Cruse