This statement, from its anonymous author, recently caught my
attention:
“Hearts are wild
creatures. That’s why our ribs are cages.”
Its focus, the heart and the rib cage, hit home. For I have had
a disordered history with both.
My obsession with the thin physique created my descent into
anorexia and its painful heart issues.
“...I could count all
of my ribs. I still wasn’t thin
enough; it wasn’t good enough...”
(Excerpt from Cruse’s
book, “Thin Enough: My Spiritual Journey Through the Living Death of an Eating
Disorder”)
As I’ve been in recovery from eating disorders, food, weight
and body image issues, yes, I’ve had to deal with my heart. That, therefore,
includes the related topics of passions, desires and idolatry.
“For he is the kind of person
who
is always thinking about the cost... his heart is not
with you.”
Proverbs 23:7
I’m often described as intense, “type A,” perfectionistic and
driven. Those assessments, as I experienced various forms of disorder, provided
irrefutable evidence: self-destructive passions emanated from my heart.
And God certainly understands our finite beings, passion’s consuming
fire and its pitfalls.
“For he knows how we are formed, he remembers that
we are dust.”
Psalms 103:14
We will want things in life. That is not a shocker to Him; it
shouldn’t be to us either.
The sticking point, however, is to make the distinction
between passions, which tend to be carnal and potentially harmful, and desires,
which are life-affirming and often originate from a Divine direction.
“You open your hand and satisfy the
desires of every living thing.”
Psalms 145:16
As an overweight, hurt and fearful child, I wrongly absorbed
the belief being thin was my answer. My pain and insecurity drove my passion to
be emaciated, to do whatever it took to have my ribcage jutting outside of my
skin.
“...Diet and defeat,
attempts and failure had become my way of life. That is, until one day, when
diet became Victory for me...Each comment, lost pound, and lost inch gave me
more of an incentive. As I lost weight, I found myself always in need of a new
goal... I eventually became convinced that death—at least the look of
starvation—was beautiful. I was
envying the ‘beauty,’ the look of the malnourished, the tortured—even those in
concentration camps...”
(Excerpt from Cruse’s
book, “Thin Enough: My Spiritual Journey Through the Living Death of an Eating
Disorder”)
But those beliefs and actions were not of God.
“‘For I know the plans I have
for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not
to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”
Jeremiah 29:11
Instead, my destructive passions were in diametric opposition
to the Most High’s desire. He wanted to bless me with life and health; my sick
heart only wanted death. My disordered eating was a death wish, a passive
suicide.
Yet, indeed, Isaiah 55:8-9 declares humbling Truth...
“‘For my thoughts
are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’
declares the Lord. ‘As
the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways
higher than your ways and my thoughts than your
thoughts.’”
I refused that principle as, mired in my diseased passion, I
strove to get what I wanted, independent of
God.
However, Divine Desire does not work that way.
“Take delight in the LORD, and he will give
you the desires of your heart.”
Psalms 37:4
Still, it doesn’t stop many from us from exerting ourselves over
His sovereign plan.
“You shall have no other gods before
me.”
Exodus 20:3
Because I had actively chosen idolatry over a connected
relationship with the Most High, I was getting harmful, counterfeit results.
And here was a revelation I hadn’t expected when I was at my lowest,
two-digit weight: I was miserable.
“What profit is the idol when its maker has
carved it, or an image, a
teacher of falsehood? For its
maker trusts in his own
handiwork when he fashions speechless idols.
Woe to him who says to a piece of wood, ‘Awake! To a mute
stone, ‘Arise!’
And that is your
teacher? Behold, it is overlaid with gold and silver,
And there is no breath at
all inside it.”
Habakkuk 2:18-19
My idol had failed to make me forever happy, perfect and
problem-free. My idolatry sold me life-threatening lies.
And that is what happens when our hearts run amok. Consumed
by our chosen idols, we’re often unaware of what is happening.
“The heart is deceitful
above all things
and
beyond cure.
Who
can understand it?”
Jeremiah 17:9
We are blinded, driven to self-destruction.
And this obscures yet another Truth, should we refuse to
accept it. Our God is jealous.
“Be careful not to forget the covenant of the
LORD your God that he made with you; do not make for yourselves an idol in the
form of anything the LORD your God has forbidden. For the LORD your God is a
consuming fire, a jealous God.”
Deuteronomy 4:23-24
This jealousy, however, does not come from a spiteful place.
Rather, it emanates from a mind-boggling, eternal love, a love we’d benefit
from if we chose the Most High God instead of our idols.
“The LORD appeared to us... saying: ‘I have loved you with an
everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.’”
Jeremiah 31:3
Perhaps this is why, we are given the opportunity to search,
guard and deal with our hearts...
“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my
anxious thoughts.
See if there is any
offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
Psalms 139:23-24
This opens the door for a richer relationship with the Divine.
“I will give them an undivided heart and put a
new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them
a heart of flesh.”
Ezekiel 11:19
It gives us the gift to discover who we truly are.
“So God created mankind in his own image, in
the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.”
Genesis 1:27
Since my rededication experience years
ago, I have learned valuable lessons about about myself, my Creator and the
personal meaning of an individual’s faith walk, even in the midst of tricky
heart issues.
I would love to say it is a one-time “cure-all,”
an experience in which we are instantaneously healed and spared from any other painful
situation.
But that is unrealistic.
We need
to deal with our unruly and vulnerable hearts, employing the Divine Answer of John
14:27...
“Peace I leave with
you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let
your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”
We must never forget our hearts are living creatures, capable
of tremendous good...or evil.
At one time, my razor sharp, emaciated ribcage was a murderous
beast, waiting to kill me. It was the manifestation of my deadly heart.
Indeed, my heart disorder was not far removed from the famous
scripture, describing a prowling Satan...
“Be
sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion,
walketh about, seeking whom he may devour.”
This is the warning to us all. The heart is no small thing.
It prompts us to desire and to respond. And the ramifications of that reality
are not always pretty.
We are dependent upon the Most High God to help us govern,
protect and guide our hearts through every life issue.
“... guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it.”
Proverbs 4:23
We cannot do this alone.
And if we believe we can, we only reiterate the Truth of
Scripture, but to our own blind detriment...
“The heart is deceitful
above all things
and
beyond cure.
Who
can understand it?”
Jeremiah 17:9
God’s
Word has been described as “the owner’s manual,” “the path of life and blessing” and
“guardrails.”
Therefore,
wouldn’t it be within our best interest to treat our every heart condition with
it?
Each of
us has a choice.
“... I have set before you life and
death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may
live.”
Deuteronomy 30:19
Our wild
hearts are the question. May we then allow God to be our answer!
Copyright © 2020 by
Sheryle Cruse
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