Sit Anyway

 “Sit Anyway” discusses the significance of transitional and uncomfortable life moments. | elephant journal

Job Description

 

Job descriptions are a much-needed necessity in this world, beyond areas of employment. Indeed, for those of us who especially struggle with healthy boundaries and codependency, knowing what the job description is within relationships, what we are and are not responsible for, can be sanity and sometimes, literal lifesavers.

Each of us needs to learn how to navigate the unrealistic expectations that constantly fly at us. And unfortunately, most us are improperly taught unhealthy and dangerous job descriptions. We are groomed to believe we must rescue, be there, available, constantly forgiving and allowing, no matter what toxic person or circumstance arrives in our lives. Many of us are taught to “just take it.”

Our health, our relationships, our families are, therefore, at risk. The stakes are high.

So, let’s look at some of the harmful, mistaken thoughts that we wrongly absorb and try to apply in our lives.

Be liked.

Right out the gate, we believe an impossible doozy. Oh, just be liked. By everyone. All the time. Without fail. What could possibly go wrong with this job description?

This is deadly peer pressure, even though, most of the time, it’s self-generated. We agree to the all-encompassing terms.

“Yes, I’ll be liked, even if it’s not good for me, even if it’s unsafe. Because, in the end, being liked by this person, by being pleasing in this situation, will be worth all of the trouble.”

Only, it doesn’t quite work out that way. For, in this gigantic, unhealthy and unsafe job description, we find more subtle, and just as dangerous, other descriptions. “Be Liked,” is the governing mandate to all other dysfunction.

Case in point?

 Fix or Save People.

Ay-Yi-Yi.

This unhealthy part of the wrong job description we internalize has us repeatedly coming back and staying in harmful situations with harmful people. Addiction and abuse are rife with these dynamics. We supply, protect and enable someone, sacrificing ourselves, all because we love them and genuinely believe our “help” is helping them.

It is not.

Yet, we believe it is helping because, somehow, we need to believe it is helping. If we fail to adopt a Savior role, we believe our very identity can be at risk. And, for some of us, that is unacceptable, even life-threatening.

Do it all.

Likewise, we can also adopt another oppressive mandate in a harmful job description: we must do absolutely everything. We must be Superman or Superwoman. No excuses.

It doesn’t matter if we work full-time, are raising a family, are caregiving, we must do way more than is asked of us. After all, we, again, want to be liked.

So, somehow, we rationalize, we will find a way to get everything done.

Please everyone.

We believe fulfilling the toxic job descriptions, including doing everything, will successfully accomplish being perfectly pleasing. Again, we’re back to “be liked.” We’re back to our Savior role and function.

What do we fear if we’re not liked, if we’re not being pleasing?

Rejection? Loss? Failure?

For some of us, that is too high of a price to pay. We envision the worst-case scenario, so much so, we dare not even ask ourselves the hard questions, let alone, answer them.

We just cannot go there.

Hold it together.

And that, therefore, ushers in yet another harmful principle in our unhealthy job description. We think can hold it all together somehow. Spinning plates? Sure. Why not add a couple more?

We can easily believe we are the only ones to solve all problems, tasks and issues. No need to delegate; I got it. No need to ask for help; I got it. No need to say no; I got it.

Only, we don’t have it. We have a mess. We have a breakdown coming our way.

Much like the self-imposed pressure to “do it all,” we, likewise, expect that we will prevent, sustain, protect and help a circumstance perfectly, without any fallout or untimely event throwing a wrench into everything. Perfectionism is a hard taskmaster; it’s unreasonable and irrational. And impossible.

And unhealthy.

For perfectionism, in its supposedly “noble” pursuit, inevitably, has us obsessing on image over truth, no matter what the situation may be. We may not be aware that we are doing this; we may have no intention of doing that. But impact has the final say.

For, in our striving to “hold it all together,” we, consciously or unconsciously, give sole importance to how something appears. If things “look” healthy, pretty, organized, happy or “right,” we can tend to believe we are, in fact, doing our job effectively.

But take a closer look beyond that beautiful smiling face, that supposedly fit physique, that Norman Rockwell-looking family, that well-ordered life, and what really is going on there? Addictions? Abuse? Depression? Toxic relationships? Criminal activity?

What if we worked on healing the mess, not just making it aesthetically pleasing?

So, What IS My Job?

Each of us does have a job. It’s not about avoiding all responsibility. Rather, it’s about taking appropriate, realistic responsibility for ourselves.

Such a small thing? Far from it.

The antidote to being liked? Love people.

This seems like a no-brainer. And how many of us, doing the dysfunctional job description behaviors, thoroughly believe we are doing it “out of love?” But love looks different than codependence, than enabling an unhealthy choice. Loving people is far different than being liked. Sometimes, they are diametrically opposing to one another.

Loving people sometimes means not helping.

We can, without knowing or intending, cause someone’s death, because of our supposed love for them. Think drug addict who overdoses because we supply them with the money and the substances to do so.

Loving people sometimes means saying no.

This is the ultimate test to us people pleasers, isn’t it? We fear rejection, scorn, not being viewed as kind or valuable. We risk someone’s unflattering opinion of us.

Loving people sometimes means no longer being in relationship with them.

There are times when we need to let others go. Dissolve and sever the relationship. It’s too detrimental to stay connected. It means imminent destruction. We need to accept that this death must occur.

And then, we need to grieve that loss.

The antidote to fixing or saving people? Be authentic.

We cannot save or fix anyone. Yes, we can “help.” But we need to scrutinize what is help… and what is not. The root of ascertaining that involves authenticity. We must be real and honest with what is happening and how we are contributing to that situation. Perhaps, our “help” isn’t help at all. Perhaps it is harm. Perhaps, because we fear facing the truth ourselves, we opt to be someone else’s solution. Doing that is selfish, counterproductive and unloving to ourselves.

We need to recognize that being authentic sometimes means that we will have limits. And we need to enforce that reality. Sometimes, we shouldn’t give people endless chances. Sometimes, constantly giving money to an addict of any kind, keeps everyone in disease, instead of recovery.

Sometimes, we need to recognize we choose to be inauthentic because we see it as easier. And, as unflattering as it sounds, we like the path of least resistance.

Being authentic isn’t that. But it is integrity. And when you and stay choose integrity over ease, we have the realistic peace we have been craving our entire lives.

Being authentic does not equal being pleasing. But it does equal being our honorable selves. It is scary, but it’s worth it.

The antidote to doing it all? Take the next step.

Once again, we get caught up in perfectionism. We fail, then, before we even start.

Somehow, we believe that, unless and until we can do something perfectly, it’s not worth starting. We magically think that all the stars must be aligned, this or that prerequisite must be in place, laying the perfect foundation for our plan.

And that perfect foundation, that perfect star alignment just never happens.

In the meantime, we up the stress ands pressure levels. With procrastination, comes heightened anxiety.

“Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the whole staircase.”
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Dr. King was on the money here. Life does not require all certainty and all answers be made available for us to take action.

Life is about doing the next thing. What IS that next thing?

Solving a world problem, completely and thoroughly? Or is it taking out the garbage? Brushing our teeth?

You may laugh at that. But really, life is about many small, ordinary, tedious tasks being accomplished on a daily, consistent basis.

How about we take things down a notch?  How about letting ourselves off the hook concerning perfection… concerning anything or anyone? There is no such thing. We do what we can; we have limitations.

We have the inherent right to live life without doing it perfectly.

Period.

The antidote to pleasing everyone? Speak my truth.

Authenticity and truth go hand in hand. It’s impossible, unhealthy and perfectionistic to please everyone. We will fail. Therefore, choosing to be truthful about ourselves can free us from pressure, whether it be self-imposed or implemented from others. We don’t need to be nasty or rude about voicing our authentic truth, only brave. It’s hard to go against the grain. Popularity contests are still around, long after high school has ended. Peer pressure. Conformity.

Yet, when we succumb to trying to reach those states of being, we seem to only feel constrained, trapped, like frauds.

We need a newer measuring stick, being our truthful selves. That remains when the temporary trend, situation, relationship dynamic, inevitably, changes or ends. The truth of who we are, should we choose to embrace it, remains.

The Antidote To Holding it together? Breathe.

Sometimes, we need to make things as simple as possible.

When you and I hit the wall, the realm of our finite beings, it is, therefore, helpful to remember to breathe. If we can do nothing else, while stuck in any moment, we can do that.

We hear so much, these days, about mindfulness, about being present and in the moment. What each of these things have in common for us, whether or not we recognize it as such, is breathing. It’s automatic. Most of the time, we don’t think about it.

But take breath away, literally, and suddenly, we are full conscious of it.

This is probably at the very center of our human job description: just breathe. Do nothing else right now.

Yes, I know, there’s so much going on.

Just breathe.

Yes, I know (insert any other reason or excuse)…

Just breathe.

We’ve all bought the lie of what our job description should be. We’ve all turned ourselves inside out; we have jumped through flames and hoops, trying to be “enough.”

We are that already. Our job description should reflect that.

Truth. Enough. Realistic truth. Not the lie any longer.

Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse

In the Way

 

“Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.”

Marianne Williamson

Years ago, at a family wedding, I was navigating a reception full of people. As everyone was milling around, trying to access the refreshments, I made the comment, bumping into people, “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to be in the way.” One person responded to that comment by saying, “You’re not in the way,” and it jolted me. I had a sudden awareness, just then, of those three little words, which seemed to govern much of my life: “In the Way.”

Yes, those three little words seemed to be there from the start, and, perhaps, explain some of my descent into disordered eating. I had been through therapy and had even having written a book about my experiences, including this excerpted poem:

“…I must be as small as dust…

Smaller

just take up

less space

less room…

Just be small,

Nothing,

No trouble

at all…”

“Famine (Little Girl Decided),” from “Thin Enough: My Spiritual Journey of an Eating Disorder” by Sheryle Cruse

 I thought I had dealt with things in a thorough manner. I thought I had dealt with the insidious triggers and issues that had plagued me throughout my childhood and young adulthood.

But, come on, it’s not that tidy, is it?

No, rather this wedding moment showed me how “in the way” was still a roadblock I encountered daily. But now, in more recent days, it had less to do with food or body issues… and more to do with feeling inherently worthy.

I know. Cliché much?

Yet, at this wedding I was confronted by my own personal negative associations regarding taking up space.

Subtext: taking up too much space.

The oppressive judgment here was palpable. Always screaming at me, “too much, never enough, too much, never enough.” It went beyond food, weight, and body issues. We’re talking soul level here: my mind, will, and emotions were constantly hounded by self-rejection. I held myself to impossible standards, always condemning myself for coming up short. I could not occupy my place on this planet “right.” I was not taking up the “right” amount of value space. I was, essentially, “in the way.”

So, what are some of the things we, perhaps, tell ourselves, convincing ourselves of this harmful perspective in the first place?

Our mere existence is blocking something better.

Right away, we are confronted by the lie we tell ourselves: we are inherently unworthy and value-less. The good old “not good enough” argument encroaches on us, insisting that someone or something is always “better” than us. No matter what we do or do not do, it doesn’t seem to matter. We are not as good as (insert that someone or something).

It is simply inconceivable to believe that we, all by ourselves, are enough. We don’t need to prove anything. There is no bar we need to reach. And we are certainly not a “placeholder” until that “something better” comes along.

You and I are “it,” right now. Let’s remember to act like it.

We are unwanted… by everyone… all the time.

This old classic.

For those of us who’ve survived any kind of abuse, especially from our family of origin, we have often internalized the harmful message of “I am not wanted.” Maybe we were literally told that, day in, day out, by our parents, partners, or spouses. And no matter how much therapy, positive affirmation, and healthier choices we may make in life, we still grapple with an embedded sense of unworthiness, don’t we?

Everyone wants to feel chosen. Yet how many of us actually experience that state of being on a regular basis? Life is grueling enough, filled with rejection at every turn.

And, for those of us who have endured abuse, that “chosen” or “wanted” status is the elusive carrot, constantly dangled before us, promising us the world and a life free of fear, pain, and unhappiness, only “if” we perform according to specification.

So, we chase the carrot, hoping “this time” it will work. “this time” the lie will be the truth. But it doesn’t quite work out that way.

Just more chasing.

And, all the while, we are in the barren land of feeling “in the way.” After all, what else are we to think? We’re not chosen. We are tolerated, at best.

This is often the mistaken, toxic belief of some other person, forced on us, largely because, many times, this person was an adult, a parent, an authority figure who supposedly “knew better.”

But, oftentimes, at best, they were products of abusive dynamics themselves. Call it pattern, generational curse, or cycle, the same toxic message gets passed down from generation to generation.

Left unchallenged, it continues to proliferate.

But we can interrupt and intercept that harmful message.

We can, after all, want and choose ourselves.

Eye roll all you want, but, having survived our traumas of childhood, destructive relationships, and unhealthy coping strategies (and, if you are reading these words, yes, indeed, you have survived your circumstances), you and I are now in a better position to make another choice… a better choice.

Small choice by small choice. Line by line. Precept by precept.

What teeny choice can we make right now?

We don’t deserve to want and need.

This old chestnut. The deserving of it all.

Oh, where to start, where to start?

Unworthiness messages, again, often start being received in our childhood experiences. Parents, peers, teachers, and other influential adults are just some of the usual suspects. We are told- and taught- that, inherently, we don’t deserve love, peace, and autonomy. Abuse steals those things from us, by denying our very right to experience them, by downplaying why we should seek them out, and by shaming us for desiring them in the first place.

But living with those things in our lives is vital, just, and warranted. We are not wrong for having needs and wants, especially for love, security, safety, and dignity. And if we are told otherwise, if we are told we are “in the way,” for hungering for those basic of human rights, that is simply a destructive lie, based nowhere in fact, only in a harmful agenda to control, manipulate, and abuse.

Remove the Stone.

Life can start out by piling on the avalanche of “in the way” rocks. But, eventually, we can become our own boulder. We can become our own abuser, if we’re not careful and mindful. We can stand as an obstacle to our ultimate purpose and happiness, and we can crush anyone and anything that comes across our path, trying to love and bless us.

We, all by ourselves, can do this. We can get in our own way.

But we can make another choice. We can accept we have the inherent right to take up space, to exist, to be loved, to be treated well. Is it easy? No. Is it a one-time thing? No.

But is it meant for each one of us, no matter what? Yes.

You and I have the right to exist, to thrive, to live, love and be loved, respected, and appreciated by others. We’re not second- class citizens. We’re not scraps, leftovers, or damaged goods.

You and I are not “in the way.” We belong in this life for powerful, meaningful reasons. Let’s find our way with that.

Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse

 

I’ll Call You

 

In Narcissistic circles, we often hear about the concept of future faking. It can be the overpromise of a commitment involving relationship, marriage, family, or money. It essentially asserts, “Just hang in there. It’ll happen. I promise.”

Only, it never quite seems to manifest, does it?

Let’s take it to a much simpler promise. How about the promise of basic communication?

Does someone keep telling you and I, “I’ll call you?”

You know, someone who keeps making and breaking appointments, always with an excuse, always with a “reason.” Yes, sure, life happens. The unexpected happens. Emergencies happen. But if it KEEPS happening, at every turn, something else is going on, isn’t it?

Here is where sayings like, “We make the time for what is important to us,” and “Don’t make someone a priority who makes you an option” pop up.

I, once again, return to a family relic which has served me well as an educational tool: a hunk of Fool’s Gold. It looks shiny. It looks like “the real thing.” But it can deliver on nothing more than its very name: “Fool’s Gold,” the illusion of something precious, in the eye of the beholder. And, oftentimes, when that is us in this scenario, we feel like a fool.

So, why? Why is there the tactic of “I’ll call you” when it comes to the Future Faking maneuver?

Here are a few of my theories. Kick them around and see if anything resonates.

They don’t care.

This can be a startling wakeup call for us. It seems inconceivable that the Narcissist wouldn’t care. And it’s not necessarily because we’re naïve. Rather, it has more to do with the fact that we are mistaking our caring and empathetic selves for their uncaring selves. Yes, we’re projecting, only we’re believing the best, instead of the worst, in the person.

We need to constantly remember that how we’d respond, how we’re moved with compassion to others may not, indeed, be another’s like response.

And how much more so if we are dealing with a Narcissist. They view things more through a self-focused lens. “Others” just are not as important; if fact, often, they are viewed as simply expendable in a Narcissist’s eyes.

Concerning communication, therefore, there is not the reciprocity. Phone calls, direct messages, emails, and texts, in the Narcissist’s eyes, all have the luxury of being ignored. It’s just not important. End of story.

Nothing personal.

It’s nothing personal, because our Narcissist simply doesn’t rate it as significant. They do not care.

So, that’s one big why. Ready for another?

They get something from our time and attention. (They enjoy the power of being unavailable).

Narcissistic supply is defined as the energy, the fuel, the attention a Narcissist gets when they engage with us.

And if we are sincerely invested in the relationship, trying to make it work, out of love, out of a need to help or be there for that person, then the scales of power are imbalanced.

And make no mistake, the Narcissist LOVES that imbalance, in their favor. Power and control over another person are big, big, big in the eyes of this abusive type. They revel in holding power over someone. It’s often why many Narcissists gravitate to positions of power, like politics, law enforcement and highly public platforms which garner much attention. They enjoy the attention the “perks” being. They enjoy being able to decide what happens to “the little people.”

Ego stroking is just too appealing. They cannot deny themselves any and every opportunity to engage in it.

And how this translates to the “I’ll call you” of phones calls and assorted communication relates, again, to the power imbalance that comes with being unreachable, “un-gettable,” “too important” to speak with a mere mortal by phone.

They like the chase. They like being wanted and pursued. It feeds their delusional ego, reassuring them that yes, they are important, special, “different.” They don’t need to abide by the rules that the rest of us must follow. They are too much of a star to be bothered. Our sincere desire, attempts, love, and desperate willingness to be there and to connect with the Narcissist further cement their grandiose sense of self.

Yes, they are the master; we are the slave. Never the two shall change. The worship is, therefore, owed them.

They are cowards.

Often, Narcissists take the easy way out. Ever notice that?

They often avoid uncomfortable situations, possess endless excuses, and employ other people, a/k/a, “Flying Monkeys,” to do their dirty work.

Narcissists, it appears, cannot be bothered with one-on-one, direct, open communications. They may reason, again, they are too important, too busy, too special to stoop to such lowly and unrewarding behavior. It’s beneath them.

But I believe it has more to do with cowardice. It takes moral character, strength and facing one’s fear of difficult confrontations to have an open, honest dialogue. Whether that’s a breakup, for which the Narcissist may “ghost” that person, just disappear, without any explanation, or “delegate” an awkward firing of an employee to one of the Narcissist’s underlings, the communication never seems to be direct, eye-to-eye.

And a phone call? Forget it! Again, they may reassure, “I’ll call you,” but it’s sporadic, at best, isn’t it? And, if a call is returned, it may take on a rushed tone, even further underscored with their superiority over our inferiority. In any case, if there’s an important matter or issue that needs to be addressed, it rarely, if ever, happens. The Narcissist, in one way or another, slips out of the phone call.

Indeed, the “I’ll call you” real moment is just too real, with too much discomfort; it strikes their insecure nerves. And remember, a Narcissist does not want to be reminded of his/her insecurity. Yes, it already permeates their entire being, but denial is a right a Narcissist may believe himself/herself to inherently possess. They get to pretend and play by their own rules, while “the rest of us” must deal with reality.

These are potentially a few explanations, attempting to answer the confusing “why” questions a Narcissist often leaves behind in the wake. But let’s really get to an uncomfortable explanation. And this speaks to our participation in the dysfunctional dance.

Why are we here?

Why do we believe the lie of “I’ll call you?”

We’re being abused and mistreated.

No, we didn’t deserve mistreatment or abuse. Nevertheless, we, somehow, put up with it, don’t we? We give chance after chance. We constantly check our emails, text messages, and phones. We believe “this time will be different.”

And it never seems to be different.

We hang on like this, perhaps, because we’ve been trained to do so.

Many of us have come from abusive backgrounds. We’re accustomed to bad treatment, a lack of accountability, and personal responsibility. We’re used to lies, chaos, and broken promises. That doesn’t mean we like it; it merely means we’re used to it. It’s the familiar.

But, within the context of future faking’s “I’ll call you” faulty promise, it is, nevertheless, Fool’s Gold.  It looks solid and shiny, but it’s not the real thing.

And no amount of us wishing or wanting or hoping it will be so will make it so.

One of the most painful, most difficult things for each of us to accept is this: concerning some people, abusers included, we need to admit that they mean more to us than we do to them. And that’s not a healthy love, family or friend dynamic. Relationships involve reciprocity, dignity, and a mutual give-and-take respect.

And that includes the caring follow through of the communication ping pong game.

“I’ll call you…”

The actions match those uttered words. Period.

Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse

 

Every Minute of It

 

The Covert Narcissist

 

The Root of All Evil?

 

I’ve noticed, as a person of faith, that 1 Timothy 6:10 often gets misquoted:

“For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.”

Most of the time, people insist the scripture states how money is the root of all evil.

Nope.

As human beings, we, so often, get money all wrong: its purpose, its pleasure, its very existence in our daily lives.

Yes, money IS an issue, for each of us.

And we’ve all heard the phrase, “Money is no object.”

But it turns out to be the exact opposite of reality, in fact, doesn’t it?

So, let’s take a little stroll through money and see what it is about this sucker that can bring so much promise… and pain.

Money is an amplifier.

Do you ever notice that what we spend our money on seems to indicate a kind of theme, sometimes, an exaggerated, caricature-infused theme, to who we are as individuals?

For instance, if we look at our bank statements and see how we spent $3,000 last month at GummyBears Forever.com, it might not be a gigantic leap to assume we have a sweet tooth, or at least a gummy tooth. We like candy.

And our “candy” can be anything.

Clothes. Shoes. Drugs. Charities that help starving children or cute, fuzzy animals. Creepy porcelain dolls that keep staring at you wherever you stand in the room.

What we value is what, sooner or later, we buy, or, at least, try to find a way to buy.

Look at your own ledger right now. What is your theme?

Money amplifies. If we want to improve and help a situation, it’s an amplifier of that intention. If we want debauchery, it can, also, likewise, amplify that as well.

And, more than likely, we’ll need bail money.

It’s not about shaming anyone for their guilty pleasures. We need a bit of that in our lives, from time to time.

But it speaks to the issues of our hearts and what they focus on. What is that… truly? And be honest.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

Proverbs 4:23

Is it something that that can bring healing… or destruction? We have a say in creating that reality. What will we choose?

Money is a tool.

“… money answereth all things.”

 Ecclesiastes 10:19

By itself, money is neutral. It’s when the attachments and the associations come onboard that we seem to run into problems.

For some of us, that may mean we demonize money as “bad,” as something that only encompasses greed and corruption.

Perhaps, we were instructed as children that money is carnal, sinful, lustful. 

Maybe we were shamed for saving coins in our piggy banks.

Money can fund charities, feed the homeless, cure disease, offer practical, needed help the very second it’s needed, provided IF it’s allowed to function in that capacity as a tool.

And that largely depends on us.

Money is a tool, like a hammer. We can build with it. It can be used to protect, nurture, and help.

Money is a weapon.

Or, conversely, money, like that of a hammer, can be used as a weapon.

Yes, a hammer can also destroy as easily as it can build; a hammer can kill or maim. It all depends upon the person holding it.

Just like money.

“For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.”

1 Timothy 6:10

And again, we’re back to greed, along with its offspring like corruption, extortion, murder, theft.

And, before we get too smug with ourselves, reassuring ourselves that we don’t engage in any of that extreme behavior, that we’re not criminals, we are brought back to day-to-day reality, all the same.

Money can be weaponized in smaller, more subtle ways. We can view money as a means with which to control, exert power, and even perpetuate toxic love.

And we can all be guilty of doing this within the context of relationships. We can dangle the hope, the false promise over someone, assuring them that, yes, if he/she agrees to certain arrangements or parameters, then, indeed, there will be a payoff, making the whole thing worthwhile.

But it isn’t that clear cut, is it?

After all, there exists the phrase, “when you marry for money, you get what you pay for” for a reason.

A price will be paid.

And what is the payment? Your life? Your health? Your sanity?

Is that a fair trade?

Each of us, then, perhaps, would do well to remember we can just as easily harm someone by our attitudes and actions concerning money, as help them. Our thoughts can determine our deeds.

Will we allow ourselves to use money as a weapon, in big or small ways?

Money is a Healer.

Before we fall into despair that money is just too hopeless when handled by us mere mortals, we also have the capacity to employ it as a healing instrument.

Again, it speaks to opportunity… and our willingness to TAKE the opportunity.

“Withhold not good from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it.”

Proverbs 3:27

The decision to allow for healing is not passive. It requires deliberate, conscious, action-filled caring and intention.

Money is no object. Indeed, it is not.

Rather, it is a portal of a fully alive and engaged life-sustaining force. But we need to choose that life option for ourselves, each time we deal with money.

Will we?

Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse

The 2 Most Powerful Warriors

 

The Harmful Messages We Believe About Our Abusers

 

Concerning the abusive dynamic, I’m uneasily reminded of Abraham’s Lincoln’s statement about enemies…

“Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?”

That’s a lovely theory, and, in an ideal world, I’d be quite enthusiastic about it.

But life is un-ideal… and filled with abusive people who require a different approach from us… for our own safety.

With all due respect to President Lincoln, somehow, I don’t think he considered the toxic manipulation of some individuals. When someone is abusive, they are counting us having kind and generous natures. They are counting on us to forgive and freely allot multiple chances to them.

Overriding Our Instincts:

“The enemy of my enemy is my friend.”

Ancient Proverb, “The Arthashastra”

Try thinking of this proverb this way: the gut reaction concerning my abuser is my friend.

See anything different now?

Yes, here’s, often, where it all gets started. We completely ignore our intuition. We dismiss our gut.

When we are involved with an abuser, we often don’t want to acknowledge that painful reality. We try to talk ourselves out of it. We convince ourselves that this kind of ugly stuff doesn’t happen to “people like us.” We reassure ourselves that this person is too attractive, too wealthy, too intelligent, too nice, too this-or-that, to be an abuser.

As much as we believe the abuser’s lies, we believe our own even more strongly.

The Harm: “Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?”

All of this can set the dangerous stage to sway us into wanting “to make things work” with an abusive, harmful person. We’re encouraged to make nice.  If we just believe our magical thinking, over unflattering reality, then everything will be okay.

And it’s not just that. We give more authority, more credence, to the “other” opinion, be it the abuser’s, the family and friends trying to talk us out of “acting too rashly,” and even systems like clergy and law enforcement, who encourage us to “think about what we’re doing.”

The translation of all of that is this: don’t trust yourself; trust them; trust us.

But, may times, by doing that, in matters like abuse, there is no destruction of the enemy, only the destruction of ourselves.

That’s not a fair trade.

Destructive Striving:

Speaking of destruction, there’s a lot of destructive striving. We reason, “If I can just do this, or stop doing that…”

And somehow, we never quite finish that sentence, other than to soothe ourselves with the hope that, “things will be better.” Again, it’s the magical thinking which woos us into accepting the faulty, dangerous core belief. Whether or not we know the exact language of that core belief, most of the time, it goes something like this:

“This is my fault. I deserved it. If I can just act right, then the hitting, the screaming, the pain (the abuse) will stop.”

The Harm: “Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?”

If we entertain Lincoln’s statement, while in this mindset, we can convince ourselves that being friends with our abuser, being accommodating concerning them, will solve things. All it takes is our willingness to be friends, and, again, “to make nice.”

But, often, when it comes to our striving, we’re the only ones doing the work. There is no two-way street. There is only the continuation of an unhealthy and unsafe dynamic.

The 4 F’s:

Most of us have heard about “fight or flight” coping strategy when it comes to crisis and an adrenalin response.

But there are two more “F’s:” Freeze and Fawn.

And, again, in the light of abuse, these reactions can be vain attempts to stop the pain, the violence and the unhealthy dynamic we suffer, at the whims of the abuser.

We desperately try to reassure ourselves, no matter which tactic we employ, “If I do this, maybe, they’ll leave me alone.”

The Harm: “Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?”

Again, the mistaken belief we accept, much to our detriment, is that the onus lies solely with us. It’s up to us, to fix and change things, never the abuser’s job. Make friends, “make nice,” do whatever it takes.

Fight… maybe we don’t fight our abuser, but we fight for the remedy which will change things. Flight… perhaps, we try to flee to safety, to avoid the harmful person and the ugly reality, any way we can.

Freeze… we can try not to be noticed; we endeavor to blend into our surroundings.

Fawn… we attempt to give in, hoping our acquiescence will prompt the abuser’s mercy.

Again, it’s all about us making things better, “friendlier,” for and with the abuser. However, during these attempts, we only exhaust and deplete ourselves. Nothing gets better, nothing changes, at least, not in the real ways we desire.

And, all the while, the abuser is comfortable, enabled, even rewarded as we are the ones doing all the heavy lifting.

Once again, in this situation, “friendship” is not the answer, just a harmful, codependent mirage.

Refusal of “What Is:”

The American Buddhist nun, Pema Chödron is famous for her concept, “Idiot Compassion.” It’s when we continue to participate in an unhealthy dynamic, situation or relationship because we feel obligation, responsibility, pity and yes, complicated love/enmeshment for the toxic person. We believe our involvement is necessary and helpful, even if it is to our own detriment. We believe that, if we keep “helping,” then things will finally be the way we long for them to be.

We pin magical thinking on “what if,” instead of “what is.”

The Harm: “Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?”

Repeatedly, we convince ourselves that it can change; they will change. It will get better.

We can do this for years, for decades, for our entire lives.

We can do that at the expense of our health, safety, marriages, families, careers, finances, relationships and personal goals.

Again, returning to the Abraham Lincoln enemy/friend quote, we cling to the hope that our hearts, our desires and efforts, somehow, will win the love of the abusive person, so much so, that they radically and permanently transform, love us back, and participate in a healthy, loving relationship that heals our wounds.

And, again, we take sole ownership of that unrealistic and unhealthy feat. We do not allow the other person to rise and fall on the realities of their own consequences. We rescue them before that ever has a chance of happening.

So, there’s no impetus, no need for change. Why would that person change? Things are working so well for them. We’re taking care of everything for them.

Keeping the Foe a Foe: Permission To Heal:

You cannot negotiate with abusers, much like you cannot negotiate with terrorists.

Ideally, yes, everyone would be able to get along, make amends, do the Kumbaya thing. But that concept is an unachievable Utopia, not the real world.

It’s to the abuser’s advantage, and to our disadvantage, to make them our friends, and a part of our inner circle.

We don’t need to be hostile or injurious about it, although, from the abuser’s perspective, that’s often how they’ll view our actions. This isn’t about seething hatred and bitterness, about plotting our revenge.

Rather, it’s about first granting ourselves the permission to keep harmful people out of our lives. This can start with a tiny word: “no.” This starts with boundaries.

Boundaries are the simple answer to a short question, “Is this person healthy for me?” Yes… or no?

It goes beyond the stories and the reasons why we insist on giving someone harmful access to our lives; it goes beyond every single extra chance, grace, forgiveness and opportunity.

Is this person harmful? Yes? Then that person is not a friend. That person is a rightful enemy.

Still wrestling with the question? Objectively how would you view someone outside of you, someone you care about, struggling with the same issue?

Would you advise them to stay, put up with it, keep getting hurt? No, you probably wouldn’t do that. You care about them too much to allow them to be harmed.

Well, now it’s time to care about yourself.

Be a friend, not an enemy, to yourself.

Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse

 

“Things Don’t Look Like They Do in Catalogues”

Magical thinking.

When I was a little girl, I wanted a miniature French doll in a catalogue. This doll right here.

What wasn’t to love? The pink dress? The ENORMOUS matching pink bow in her hair? The pretty Bisque porcelain face?

So, yes, after a lot of pleading, a family member ordered the doll for me. After a few weeks, the much-anticipated package arrived in the mailbox. I ripped that sucker open, expecting to see my beautiful pink French doll. And I was startled/disappointed by its reality.

It was technically the miniature French porcelain, in the pink dress, with the gigantic pink hair bow. But the face…

As you can see by the photo, her little French punim was a bit askew. A few years later, when I first saw Pablo Picasso’s “Guernica,” I noted the resemblance. There definitely was a distorted face thing going on here. No ear in the middle of her face, but, as I compared the doll with the catalogue image, there was a discrepancy.

It was then and there my family member taught eight-year-old me a life principle, “Things don’t look like they do in catalogues.”

It was also here where I learned these same family members could not believe the very advice they gave out.

Because… magical thinking.

This is Appealing:

Let’s begin with coveting, shall we?

We covet what we see. It looks desirable. We see something and decide we want it. The French doll was aesthetically appealing to me. Her face was beautiful; she was small. As a little girl, I wanted her.

The magical thinking concept, on a broader level, seems to equate aesthetics with solution. I found it noteworthy that my family member who ordered the doll for me, who uttered the statement, “Things don’t look like they do in catalogues,” still, however, bought into abusive and addictive dynamics. Rationalizing through mindsets of “It’s not so bad” “I can handle it” and “I want this more than I’ve wanted anything ever before” came into play.

Magical thinking.

Myopic tunnel vision, to the exclusion of everything else, was all numerous family members could engage in. They wanted the appealing thing to be the appealing thing, to stay the appealing thing.

And don’t we all want that?

It’s So Good; It MUST Be True:

After we’ve designated the chosen object of our coveting, next there is the determination that it’s so good, that it has such promise, that it, surely, must be true.

With the French doll, I believed the catalogue image; I had faith in it. I believed that’s what I’d be getting. I didn’t take into consideration that the dolls’ faces, one by one, would be hand painted. There would be some variation, which, for me, included the “Guernica” face on my doll. I expected the doll to be perfectly symmetrical and pretty. Exactly like the catalogue image.

Likewise, my family members counted on the premise of the “good on paper” focus of their attention. They focused on a happy marriage, a perfect child, certain realized dreams, like they were ordering them from a catalogue. There was so much hope pinned to the thing being the answer, there was no room for any other more complicated thought.

There was no room for imperfect life. No room for fallible human beings. No room for the reality of deception.

When it comes to magical thinking, it’s quite easy to be lulled into this assertion, isn’t it? We trust that we are getting what we’ve set our eyes on. No matter how jaded, intelligent or experienced we claim to be, still, there is that naïve wish, that childlike wish, perhaps, we all seem to carry.

This Will Make My Life Perfect:

Likewise, we can also trust in the illusion of perfection.

Ah, yes, the belief that this object of our affection will perfect our lives and remove all pain.

As a little girl, feeling lonely and overwhelmed by abusive family dynamics, looking at that catalogue page, with the French doll featured so beautifully on it, gave me something to hope for. Something to look forward to. If I had her in my life, maybe I could stop being lonely. I’d just play with her. Maybe, she could make up for the scariness I was confused by.

Yet, when she arrived, I was still lonely and scared. And it wasn’t because she didn’t look like how the catalogue photographed her. She could have been an exact replica of the image, perfect and beautifully crafted in every way. When I played with her, she couldn’t erase my reality.

She was just a doll.

My family members couldn’t seem to grasp that concept on a broader level.

Again, things like marriage, children and financial security, in their three- dimensional reality, just did not look like they did “in the catalogue.” That magical thinking overpromised… and underdelivered.

The Promise Versus the Delivery:

Each of us are vulnerable to that magical thinking reality. It can be subtle; it’s not always about believing some obvious fairytale. It’s the little mistaken thoughts and beliefs that can often wreak havoc. Each day can be another opportunity to believe “something” will come through for us. What is it today? A relationship? A shot at status or power? A purchase or a material possession? What looks great “in the catalogue?”

How devastated will we be when reality does not deliver its perfect, soothing solution, as promised?

That’s what it’s all about.

Life dictates we adjust to the imperfect, to the flawed human condition. That means there is no pristine catalogue image solving our lives. That means we’ll get the much-coveted thing with the Guernica face.

That means that we need to face ourselves and our issues, regardless of any catalogue, regardless of what things look like. Accepting “what is” more than “what we wish it was” can give us a better shot at experiencing what we want in life.

Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse