Job Description

 

Job descriptions are a much-needed necessity in this world, beyond areas of employment. Indeed, for those of us who especially struggle with healthy boundaries and codependency, knowing what the job description is within relationships, what we are and are not responsible for, can be sanity and sometimes, literal lifesavers.

Each of us needs to learn how to navigate the unrealistic expectations that constantly fly at us. And unfortunately, most us are improperly taught unhealthy and dangerous job descriptions. We are groomed to believe we must rescue, be there, available, constantly forgiving and allowing, no matter what toxic person or circumstance arrives in our lives. Many of us are taught to “just take it.”

Our health, our relationships, our families are, therefore, at risk. The stakes are high.

So, let’s look at some of the harmful, mistaken thoughts that we wrongly absorb and try to apply in our lives.

Be liked.

Right out the gate, we believe an impossible doozy. Oh, just be liked. By everyone. All the time. Without fail. What could possibly go wrong with this job description?

This is deadly peer pressure, even though, most of the time, it’s self-generated. We agree to the all-encompassing terms.

“Yes, I’ll be liked, even if it’s not good for me, even if it’s unsafe. Because, in the end, being liked by this person, by being pleasing in this situation, will be worth all of the trouble.”

Only, it doesn’t quite work out that way. For, in this gigantic, unhealthy and unsafe job description, we find more subtle, and just as dangerous, other descriptions. “Be Liked,” is the governing mandate to all other dysfunction.

Case in point?

 Fix or Save People.

Ay-Yi-Yi.

This unhealthy part of the wrong job description we internalize has us repeatedly coming back and staying in harmful situations with harmful people. Addiction and abuse are rife with these dynamics. We supply, protect and enable someone, sacrificing ourselves, all because we love them and genuinely believe our “help” is helping them.

It is not.

Yet, we believe it is helping because, somehow, we need to believe it is helping. If we fail to adopt a Savior role, we believe our very identity can be at risk. And, for some of us, that is unacceptable, even life-threatening.

Do it all.

Likewise, we can also adopt another oppressive mandate in a harmful job description: we must do absolutely everything. We must be Superman or Superwoman. No excuses.

It doesn’t matter if we work full-time, are raising a family, are caregiving, we must do way more than is asked of us. After all, we, again, want to be liked.

So, somehow, we rationalize, we will find a way to get everything done.

Please everyone.

We believe fulfilling the toxic job descriptions, including doing everything, will successfully accomplish being perfectly pleasing. Again, we’re back to “be liked.” We’re back to our Savior role and function.

What do we fear if we’re not liked, if we’re not being pleasing?

Rejection? Loss? Failure?

For some of us, that is too high of a price to pay. We envision the worst-case scenario, so much so, we dare not even ask ourselves the hard questions, let alone, answer them.

We just cannot go there.

Hold it together.

And that, therefore, ushers in yet another harmful principle in our unhealthy job description. We think can hold it all together somehow. Spinning plates? Sure. Why not add a couple more?

We can easily believe we are the only ones to solve all problems, tasks and issues. No need to delegate; I got it. No need to ask for help; I got it. No need to say no; I got it.

Only, we don’t have it. We have a mess. We have a breakdown coming our way.

Much like the self-imposed pressure to “do it all,” we, likewise, expect that we will prevent, sustain, protect and help a circumstance perfectly, without any fallout or untimely event throwing a wrench into everything. Perfectionism is a hard taskmaster; it’s unreasonable and irrational. And impossible.

And unhealthy.

For perfectionism, in its supposedly “noble” pursuit, inevitably, has us obsessing on image over truth, no matter what the situation may be. We may not be aware that we are doing this; we may have no intention of doing that. But impact has the final say.

For, in our striving to “hold it all together,” we, consciously or unconsciously, give sole importance to how something appears. If things “look” healthy, pretty, organized, happy or “right,” we can tend to believe we are, in fact, doing our job effectively.

But take a closer look beyond that beautiful smiling face, that supposedly fit physique, that Norman Rockwell-looking family, that well-ordered life, and what really is going on there? Addictions? Abuse? Depression? Toxic relationships? Criminal activity?

What if we worked on healing the mess, not just making it aesthetically pleasing?

So, What IS My Job?

Each of us does have a job. It’s not about avoiding all responsibility. Rather, it’s about taking appropriate, realistic responsibility for ourselves.

Such a small thing? Far from it.

The antidote to being liked? Love people.

This seems like a no-brainer. And how many of us, doing the dysfunctional job description behaviors, thoroughly believe we are doing it “out of love?” But love looks different than codependence, than enabling an unhealthy choice. Loving people is far different than being liked. Sometimes, they are diametrically opposing to one another.

Loving people sometimes means not helping.

We can, without knowing or intending, cause someone’s death, because of our supposed love for them. Think drug addict who overdoses because we supply them with the money and the substances to do so.

Loving people sometimes means saying no.

This is the ultimate test to us people pleasers, isn’t it? We fear rejection, scorn, not being viewed as kind or valuable. We risk someone’s unflattering opinion of us.

Loving people sometimes means no longer being in relationship with them.

There are times when we need to let others go. Dissolve and sever the relationship. It’s too detrimental to stay connected. It means imminent destruction. We need to accept that this death must occur.

And then, we need to grieve that loss.

The antidote to fixing or saving people? Be authentic.

We cannot save or fix anyone. Yes, we can “help.” But we need to scrutinize what is help… and what is not. The root of ascertaining that involves authenticity. We must be real and honest with what is happening and how we are contributing to that situation. Perhaps, our “help” isn’t help at all. Perhaps it is harm. Perhaps, because we fear facing the truth ourselves, we opt to be someone else’s solution. Doing that is selfish, counterproductive and unloving to ourselves.

We need to recognize that being authentic sometimes means that we will have limits. And we need to enforce that reality. Sometimes, we shouldn’t give people endless chances. Sometimes, constantly giving money to an addict of any kind, keeps everyone in disease, instead of recovery.

Sometimes, we need to recognize we choose to be inauthentic because we see it as easier. And, as unflattering as it sounds, we like the path of least resistance.

Being authentic isn’t that. But it is integrity. And when you and stay choose integrity over ease, we have the realistic peace we have been craving our entire lives.

Being authentic does not equal being pleasing. But it does equal being our honorable selves. It is scary, but it’s worth it.

The antidote to doing it all? Take the next step.

Once again, we get caught up in perfectionism. We fail, then, before we even start.

Somehow, we believe that, unless and until we can do something perfectly, it’s not worth starting. We magically think that all the stars must be aligned, this or that prerequisite must be in place, laying the perfect foundation for our plan.

And that perfect foundation, that perfect star alignment just never happens.

In the meantime, we up the stress ands pressure levels. With procrastination, comes heightened anxiety.

“Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the whole staircase.”
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Dr. King was on the money here. Life does not require all certainty and all answers be made available for us to take action.

Life is about doing the next thing. What IS that next thing?

Solving a world problem, completely and thoroughly? Or is it taking out the garbage? Brushing our teeth?

You may laugh at that. But really, life is about many small, ordinary, tedious tasks being accomplished on a daily, consistent basis.

How about we take things down a notch?  How about letting ourselves off the hook concerning perfection… concerning anything or anyone? There is no such thing. We do what we can; we have limitations.

We have the inherent right to live life without doing it perfectly.

Period.

The antidote to pleasing everyone? Speak my truth.

Authenticity and truth go hand in hand. It’s impossible, unhealthy and perfectionistic to please everyone. We will fail. Therefore, choosing to be truthful about ourselves can free us from pressure, whether it be self-imposed or implemented from others. We don’t need to be nasty or rude about voicing our authentic truth, only brave. It’s hard to go against the grain. Popularity contests are still around, long after high school has ended. Peer pressure. Conformity.

Yet, when we succumb to trying to reach those states of being, we seem to only feel constrained, trapped, like frauds.

We need a newer measuring stick, being our truthful selves. That remains when the temporary trend, situation, relationship dynamic, inevitably, changes or ends. The truth of who we are, should we choose to embrace it, remains.

The Antidote To Holding it together? Breathe.

Sometimes, we need to make things as simple as possible.

When you and I hit the wall, the realm of our finite beings, it is, therefore, helpful to remember to breathe. If we can do nothing else, while stuck in any moment, we can do that.

We hear so much, these days, about mindfulness, about being present and in the moment. What each of these things have in common for us, whether or not we recognize it as such, is breathing. It’s automatic. Most of the time, we don’t think about it.

But take breath away, literally, and suddenly, we are full conscious of it.

This is probably at the very center of our human job description: just breathe. Do nothing else right now.

Yes, I know, there’s so much going on.

Just breathe.

Yes, I know (insert any other reason or excuse)…

Just breathe.

We’ve all bought the lie of what our job description should be. We’ve all turned ourselves inside out; we have jumped through flames and hoops, trying to be “enough.”

We are that already. Our job description should reflect that.

Truth. Enough. Realistic truth. Not the lie any longer.

Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse