Concerning
the abusive dynamic, I’m uneasily reminded of Abraham’s Lincoln’s statement
about enemies…
“Do
I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?”
That’s
a lovely theory, and, in an ideal world, I’d be quite enthusiastic about
it.
But
life is un-ideal… and filled with abusive people who require a different
approach from us… for our own safety.
With
all due respect to President Lincoln, somehow, I don’t think he considered the
toxic manipulation of some individuals. When someone is abusive, they are
counting us having kind and generous natures. They are counting on us to
forgive and freely allot multiple chances to them.
Overriding
Our Instincts:
“The
enemy of my enemy is my friend.”
Ancient
Proverb, “The
Arthashastra”
Try
thinking of this proverb this way: the gut reaction concerning my abuser
is my friend.
See
anything different now?
Yes,
here’s, often, where it all gets started. We completely ignore our intuition.
We dismiss our gut.
When
we are involved with an abuser, we often don’t want to acknowledge that painful
reality. We try to talk ourselves out of it. We convince ourselves that
this kind of ugly stuff doesn’t happen to “people like us.” We reassure
ourselves that this person is too attractive, too wealthy, too intelligent, too
nice, too this-or-that, to be an abuser.
As
much as we believe the abuser’s lies, we believe our own even more strongly.
The
Harm: “Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?”
All
of this can set the dangerous stage to sway us into wanting “to make things
work” with an abusive, harmful person. We’re encouraged to make nice. If we just believe our magical
thinking, over unflattering reality, then everything will be okay.
And
it’s not just that. We give more authority, more credence, to the “other”
opinion, be it the abuser’s, the family and friends trying to talk us out of
“acting too rashly,” and even systems like clergy and law enforcement, who
encourage us to “think about what we’re doing.”
The
translation of all of that is this: don’t trust yourself; trust them;
trust us.
But,
may times, by doing that, in matters like abuse, there is no destruction of the
enemy, only the destruction of ourselves.
That’s
not a fair trade.
Destructive
Striving:
Speaking
of destruction, there’s a lot of
destructive striving. We reason, “If I can just do this, or stop doing
that…”
And
somehow, we never quite finish that sentence, other than to soothe ourselves with
the hope that, “things will be better.” Again, it’s the magical thinking which
woos us into accepting the faulty, dangerous core belief. Whether or not we
know the exact language of that core belief, most of the time, it goes
something like this:
“This
is my fault. I deserved it. If I can just act right, then the hitting, the screaming,
the pain (the abuse) will stop.”
The
Harm: “Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?”
If
we entertain Lincoln’s statement, while in this mindset, we can convince
ourselves that being friends with our abuser, being accommodating concerning
them, will solve things. All it takes is our willingness to be friends, and,
again, “to make nice.”
But,
often, when it comes to our striving, we’re the only ones doing the work. There
is no two-way street. There is only the continuation of an unhealthy and unsafe
dynamic.
The
4 F’s:
Most
of us have heard about “fight or flight” coping strategy when it comes to
crisis and an adrenalin response.
But
there are two more “F’s:” Freeze and Fawn.
And,
again, in the light of abuse, these reactions can be vain attempts to stop the
pain, the violence and the unhealthy dynamic we suffer, at the whims of the abuser.
We
desperately try to reassure ourselves, no matter which tactic we employ, “If I do
this, maybe, they’ll leave me alone.”
The
Harm: “Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?”
Again,
the mistaken belief we accept, much to our detriment, is that the onus lies
solely with us. It’s up to us, to fix and change things, never the
abuser’s job. Make friends, “make nice,” do whatever it takes.
Fight…
maybe we don’t fight our abuser, but we fight for the remedy which will change
things. Flight… perhaps, we try to flee to safety, to avoid the harmful person
and the ugly reality, any way we can.
Freeze…
we can try not to be noticed; we endeavor to blend into our surroundings.
Fawn…
we attempt to give in, hoping our acquiescence will prompt the abuser’s mercy.
Again,
it’s all about us making things better, “friendlier,” for and with the
abuser. However, during these attempts, we only exhaust and deplete ourselves.
Nothing gets better, nothing changes, at least, not in the real ways we desire.
And,
all the while, the abuser is comfortable, enabled, even rewarded as we
are the ones doing all the heavy lifting.
Once
again, in this situation, “friendship” is not the answer, just a harmful,
codependent mirage.
Refusal
of “What Is:”
The
American Buddhist nun, Pema Chödron is
famous for her concept, “Idiot Compassion.” It’s when we continue to participate
in an unhealthy dynamic, situation or relationship because we feel obligation,
responsibility, pity and yes, complicated love/enmeshment for the toxic
person. We believe our involvement is necessary and helpful, even if it is to
our own detriment. We believe that, if we keep “helping,” then things will
finally be the way we long for them to be.
We
pin magical thinking on “what if,” instead of “what is.”
The
Harm: “Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?”
Repeatedly,
we convince ourselves that it can change; they will change. It will get
better.
We can do this for years, for decades, for
our entire lives.
We can do that at the expense of our
health, safety, marriages, families, careers, finances, relationships and
personal goals.
Again, returning to the Abraham Lincoln
enemy/friend quote, we cling to the hope that our hearts, our desires and
efforts, somehow, will win the love of the abusive person, so much so, that
they radically and permanently transform, love us back, and participate
in a healthy, loving relationship that heals our wounds.
And, again, we take sole ownership of
that unrealistic and unhealthy feat. We do not allow the other person to rise
and fall on the realities of their own consequences. We rescue them before that
ever has a chance of happening.
So, there’s no impetus, no need for
change. Why would that person change? Things are working so well for
them. We’re taking care of everything for them.
Keeping the Foe a Foe: Permission
To Heal:
You cannot negotiate with abusers, much
like you cannot negotiate with terrorists.
Ideally, yes, everyone would be able to
get along, make amends, do the Kumbaya thing. But that concept is an
unachievable Utopia, not the real world.
It’s to the abuser’s advantage, and to our
disadvantage, to make them our friends, and a part of our inner circle.
We don’t need to be hostile or injurious
about it, although, from the abuser’s perspective, that’s often how they’ll
view our actions. This isn’t about seething hatred and bitterness, about
plotting our revenge.
Rather, it’s about first granting
ourselves the permission to keep harmful people out of our lives. This can
start with a tiny word: “no.” This starts with boundaries.
Boundaries are the simple answer to a
short question, “Is this person healthy for me?” Yes… or no?
It goes beyond the stories and the
reasons why we insist on giving someone harmful access to our lives; it goes
beyond every single extra chance, grace, forgiveness and opportunity.
Is this person harmful? Yes? Then that
person is not a friend. That person is a rightful enemy.
Still wrestling with the question?
Objectively how would you view someone outside of you, someone you care about,
struggling with the same issue?
Would you advise them to stay, put up
with it, keep getting hurt? No, you probably wouldn’t do that. You care about
them too much to allow them to be harmed.
Well, now it’s time to care about
yourself.
Be a friend, not an enemy, to yourself.
Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse
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