Jade

 

“No is a complete sentence.”

I have come across people who cannot accept my no, on various issues, including, but not limited to, being accommodating about doing what they wish instead of doing what’s best for me. Cancer has changed that because it had to change the acquiescence that I once gave others.

Twelve Step Recovery Programs often include the acronym, “J.A.D.E.”

And, since my diagnosis, I’ve discovered JADE has covered the bases, falling under the statement, “No is a complete sentence.”

I may be taken behind the woodshed and shot for that perspective.

How dare I?

How dare I be displeasing?

Yet, here I am, Ladies and Gentlemen, often placed on trial, asked to prove my case.

Therefore, JADE…

Justify:

Right after I was diagnosed, medical opinion asserted that a simple (hah, simple) Lumpectomy would be all that was necessary. Let’s schedule me, then, for that procedure.

So, when I informed my surgeon I decided differently, I was met with surprise. I decided to have the more radical, in some peoples’ minds, choice of a bilateral mastectomy.

Taken aback when I voiced my decision, my surgeon immediately asked me about my choice.

I gave my reasons which were personal, as this whole Breast cancer context is, indeed, personal. But, looking back on it now, I see it more as “I don’t need to justify myself to you; it’s my body.” My surgeon didn’t ask me about my decision for “health reasons.” After all, no matter what surgical procedure was performed, both would accomplish the same goal: to remove the cancerous tumor.

No, my surgeon wanted to know because it didn’t align itself with medical expectation, meaning, the surgeon would tell me the medical opinion of what was best… and I’d follow that decision, without question.

And no, that didn’t happen.

“No was a complete sentence to a Lumpectomy; “Yes,” however, was my complete sentence to removing my breasts.”

Done. I decided. And I would not change my mind.

What do you feel you need to justify to others? What you choose as a profession? Who you love? Being a non-conformist, in any way? Do you feel you need to justify your entire existence?

Be on the lookout for interactions which want to shove you into a “not good enough” corner. Pay attention to the “J” of JADE.

Argue:

This word is another connected element to the J.A.D.E. principle. It can function as a synonym to the previously discussed, “Justify.” I say that because, like “Justify,” the word “Argue” seems to come to the forefront in some interactions which can involve another person’s inability or willingness to deal with our “no” response.

Once I made my decision about my bilateral mastectomy, my surgeon next assumed I would jump on the reconstruction bandwagon. I would get new breasts now. After all, leaving my deformed chest like that simply was unheard of.

That is, it was unheard of until my surgeon heard of my answer.

I was adamant about not undergoing further surgeries. No reconstruction for me, thank you. I was at peace with being breast-less, which appeared to mortify my surgeon.

There was a bit of argument over my decisions; reconstruction was just the tip of the iceberg.

And I say that as a caution concerning other peoples’ agendas. I cannot say for certain, what were my surgeon’s motivations. But I did have my gut reaction and my conversations with other women about their experiences to go on.

And I got an abundance of intel, in my research and conversations with other women. Through both, I discovered some surgeons tried to pressure their patients to get reconstructive breast surgery because they make more money that way. I heard experiences of some women who were coerced into not only getting reconstruction, but also getting a breast size they didn’t want, all because the surgeon wanted that size for them.

As I held my ground and “argued” my choices with my surgeon, I still wasn’t heard.

Okay, then. Let’s try something else.

How about involving the hospital charge nurse and patient advocate about my frustrations? Yep, that did the trick.

I no longer wanted to engage in the back and forth with my surgeon. I was an informed woman; I made thoughtful choices that were best for me. I would no longer argue about that.

Arguing can be quite pointless, especially if the other party is neither willing, nor able, to hear you and I out. Pressure, coercion, name calling, insults and dismissive attitudes can all surface. These mechanisms exist because it is about agenda from the other party. Whatever he/she wants, perhaps, in their minds, is more important than what you and I want.

Pay attention if your gut check is screaming that to you. Major breast surgery and arguing with my surgeon may appear to be an extreme example, but, in your own circumstances, do you see any similarities?

Are you feeling pressured? Coerced? Dismissed? Is someone telling you that what they want for you is more important than what you want?

How much arguing are you having to do right now about a certain issue? Do you feel the force of someone else’s agenda?

Defend:

“Defend” can quickly surface with “Justify and “Argue.”

How many of us are put on the defense, simply for asserting our position or rights?

Again, check for agenda and coercion. See any?

How does someone react when you disagree with them? Do you desire to go in another direction? Do you get pushback? Are you on the defense?

Concerning my surgeon, “Defend” often popped up in my interactions with this person. There was a constant battle of wills, even though it was my body and life that were directly affected. So, naturally, one would think, it would be me then, to decide, what choices I made concerning my body and life.

But it, of course, wasn’t that simple.

Upon recovering from my surgery, I was on the defense, again. I quickly encountered the “God complex” from my surgeon, feeling like I was little more than Dr. Frankenstein’s creature to be molded according to the great doctor’s vision.

Not helpful.

Again, it calls into question the matter of agenda. What was my surgeon’s? To get me on the expensive cancer conveyor belt of procedures, treatments and tests? There certainly wasn’t any “bedside manner” or interest in me as a human being.

At my most vulnerable, perhaps, I was still having to fight, not even the cancer, but the people who claimed to treat the cancer.

Actions speak louder than words.

So, again, check the action. Are you having to take action to defend yourself?

Simple question: yes or no.

Answer it and act accordingly.

Explain:

And lastly, there is this word in the acronym.

This is, perhaps, the final complexity we bump against when you and I find ourselves “stuck in a moment.”

This might be the final attempt to pressure us when we say “no” to an otherwise, wanted “yes.”

Long after my surgery, I encountered more people, who, upon finding out about my diagnosis and choices since, asked me if I underwent reconstruction and when, exactly, I would get breasts, already.

Cue the temptation to explain my decision. Just add it to Justify. Argue. Defend.

However, “explain” is a bit more involved. It requires a detailed accounting of our actions…to people for whom it was none of their business.

I still remember the awkward silences, wide eyes and the restless fidgeting as people awaited my explanation as to why I didn’t get breasts. I’m getting better at just quietly staring away these incidents. I don’t need to explain myself, especially about something so personal.

But some people still, somehow, believe they are owed an explanation.

How about you?

How many times have you felt the need to explain your right to be yourself and make your choices? How many times have you been punished for doing otherwise?

JADE. A tidy little acronym, with so much hidden power held within it. When we think of Jade, typically, we often envision the gorgeous green gemstone. Something precious, something beautiful and of great value.

Perhaps we need to view the acronym in the same manner. Perhaps, we need to see it as the precious gem in the way we conduct our lives and have dignity in them.

We deserve to be respected for who we are and what choices we make, even if others disagree with them. Coercion from another person and manipulation to get us to fall in line, is not acceptable. It never has been; it never will be.

Live your life as this polished gem then. As you make your choices and live your life, be brilliant and unapologetic as you face a question, an interrogation and an abusive instance with the definitive statement:

“No is a complete sentence.”

You have nothing to prove to anyone else. Be yourself, instead.

Copyright © 2022 by Sheryle Cruse