Monday, February 28, 2022
Misunderstanding: Committed to a Toxic Commitment
Empathy?
The milk of human kindness?
Walking in another’s shoes?
Being non-judgmental?
Those are the ideals, aren’t they? Life is tough; human
beings are imperfect. So, we should be compassionate towards one another,
right?
A definition of self-care is choosing not to argue
with someone who is committed to misunderstanding you and me.
So, why are some people so committed to
misunderstanding us?
One possible theory…
They cannot relate to- or have no experience with-
another person’s struggles.
Well-meaning people. Well-intentioned people. Often, those
are just code words for “clueless.” It’s not to be negative; it’s simply to
point out how some people have no frame of reference for some deep-issue stuff
of life: abuse, addiction, trauma, illness. They may mean very well with their
unsolicited advice or platitudes. But they do not know whereof they speak.
The person who encourages an abused woman to “just work it
out with him…”
The person who compares someone’s addiction to alcohol to
their penchant for lattes…
The person who tells a traumatized person, “I know exactly
how you feel…”
The person who inserts what would be their choice of cancer
treatment upon a person who is facing their gauntlet of difficult choices…
Why are they committed to
misunderstanding?
Why do people take these stances when it comes to struggling
individuals?
I think, in explaining this possible reason, it may have to
do with the well-meaning intention of someone who wants to help. However, they can
be oblivious to the potential reality that their very “help” may be more
harmful instead.
They do not know whereof they speak. If a person comes from a
healthy family or marriage, has no addictive tendencies, has not been crippled
by a life-altering event, or has barely had a cold or flu within their
lifetimes, it can be difficult to get the gravity of just how bad a
circumstance is. Maybe the victim or the survivor looks great, appears
to have a great handle on things, or that affected person supposedly could
benefit “so much more” if only that person would follow the advice
giver’s directives.
All
better now.
Easy, peasy, lemon squeezy.
The Alternative Commitment Instead:
How about the gentle ask instead?
What if we just don’t go in assuming (because, you know what they say about
assuming)? What if we slowly, quietly, respectfully ask the question,
“Is there anything I can do to help?’
Oh, and mean it when we ask
the question.
What if we admit to ourselves, and to
the person we’re encountering, that we don’t know about their issues,
and we certainly don’t know about their lives?
But we are willing-and able- to
learn?
What kind of commitment will be shown
then?
Another possible explanation for the misunderstanding commitment?
“They” want what they want, no matter what the cost may be.
Machiavellian.
The ends justify the means.
Eye on the prize.
Focus.
Horse blinders.
Being goal-oriented.
It doesn’t necessarily matter what we call it, its hallmarks
seem to be the same: they get what they want at others’ expense, specifically, our
expense. We are collateral damage to their vision, delusion, goal, desire, and
unmet need.
Nothing seems to stand in their way. Including us.
Ouch. That is painful. Really? We are that expendable?
Yep.
They can emotionally blackmail and shame us into shelling out
money, doing painful things for them, like attending a hostile family function,
perhaps with a sweet expression and tone in their voice. We find
ourselves showing up, giving them the help, the attention, and the
consideration at said event.
And they have no problem, whatsoever, cursing us out,
humiliating us, and even asking for still more money and favors, because
somehow, in their minds, they feel that we owe it to them.
Why are they committed to misunderstanding?
Short answer? They don’t care about us. We do not register
value to them, in any way. They refuse to see us, hear us, consider us, and, of
course, respect us. They don’t need to do so, in their opinion.
They don’t want to understand… so they don’t.
The Alternative Commitment Instead:
Here’s where we truly encounter the universal truth: we can
only control our responses, not someone else’s. A bitter pill to swallow, but
worth mentioning as, this kind of person will not self-reflect or be
interested in treating us any differently than they have been doing already.
It’s working for them. Why should they change?
Therefore, the alternative commitment, on our part, needs
to be one of brutal acceptance of the limited situation. We need to forsake the
toxic hope they will change. They have shown us how they choose to live. It is
wasted time and energy to wait on their epiphany. They don’t see that
there is any epiphany to be had. If anything, we should see the
light, their light. We should come around, be the whipping boy or
girl, fall in line, never critically think, or ask questions. Obedience
to them is the epiphany they feel we need to give to them. Refusal to do
so makes us the villain, them, the victim.
No-win. Don’t try. Opt out and live life without their
approval. They’ll make sure we never get it, anyway.
This next possible explanation for commitment to
misunderstanding us falls on the heels of the last one.
They are entitled, and this entitlement trumps truth and
facts.
How does one explain entitlement? We can feel it when we
encounter it, but explaining it? Not so easy. A short answer is entitlement
exists for any myriad of reasons, unrealistic, demanding, selfish and
self-centered reasons that defy logic and normalcy.
Nevertheless, when entitlement is the running chicken with
its head cut off, we need to deal with its impact. And that impact means their
world view is more important than truth or facts.
Sure, no problem adapting to that.
Why are they committed to misunderstanding?
Again, they want what they want, no matter what. They won’t
let anyone, or anything stop them from expecting and achieving that for
themselves. The law of the land? Nope. Human decency? Are you kidding? Gravity?
They’re jumping off a roof right now, to prove their point and stress us out
further.
The Alternative Commitment Instead:
Again, the onus, unfairly, often resides with us, since, many
times, “they” are not willing, nor capable, of changing their behavior in a
healthier direction.
We need to recalibrate our expectations as we choose to
encounter them, and as we choose the level of interaction involved. No contact?
Low contact? A conscious understanding they will practice their bad behavior?
How much will we be affected by that? Can we handle that?
Nope, it’s not fair. It’s necessary on our part,
nevertheless.
We need to self-protect; we need to self-care. And that must
become our focus.
We are worth doing so.
Yes, it is a shift in thinking. We take our power back, constructively,
as we work to remove their toxic powerful hold over us. It’s not a neat,
tidy, painless process.
But, if we make the commitment to ourselves to practice
it, however imperfectly, it is worth it in the long run.
Still more fun possibilities regarding their
commitment to misunderstanding us?
They want to believe what they believe about us.
They have decided. And we weren’t a part of that
decision process.
Why are they committed to misunderstanding?
We are what we are to them. And they will entertain no other
explanation, expansion, or complicated facet to that decision.
They have decided. It’s done.
The Alternative Commitment Instead:
Again, their commitment, by virtue of a mercenary situation,
needs to come back to our deliberate response and choice. What will we
do now? They only see us as black and white, rigid, one-dimensional, and
an inaccurate perception. How will we view ourselves… and them?
It’s our move.
It’s a unique, personal, imperfect, ongoing, daily, and
painful process. No sugarcoating it.
The overarching theme here?
We Must Make Understanding, Choosing, Loving, and
Protecting OURSELVES the Priority.
No two snowflakes are alike. What that daunting challenge
represents for you will not be the same as it is for me. No right or
wrong there. Just the individual, the unique, the personal. How is that
manifested in each human being? That is the work of the rewarding, the
life-changing, the life-sustaining, commitment.
Let’s get to committing to it, no matter who, or what,
has affected our lives.
Copyright © 2022 by Sheryle Cruse
Sunday, February 27, 2022
My Survivor Story
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/AtdgIKWvL_4" title="YouTube video player" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>
SURVIVORS STORIES: Surviving Eating Disorders and Breast Cancer
This is brave and courageous story of Sheryle Cruse the author of 'Thin Enough'. In this open discussion Sheryle shares her story of how complex PTSD from growing up in a dysfunctional family lead to her eating disorder and later possible contributed to her breast cancer.
The National Eating Disorder Awareness Week: Acceptance
This week, February 21st through the 27th,
2022 is the National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. It’s a week that focuses
on information about image and the factors that drive disordered eating and
appearance issues.
With that being said, let’s also briefly examine the
wonderful attributes that make us up, attributes that extend beyond physical
appearance. We are more than what we easily see.
We are/have…
…Acceptance
Where are we when it comes to acceptance? Of self? Of our
world and our lives?
The accurate answer is probably we are in-process. We
struggle, therefore, in that process. It is ongoing and daily. And yes, some
days are easier to reach acceptance than others.
On this last day of this awareness week, let’s focus on
acceptance. We are worth doing so. We have inherent qualities, so wonderful, so
beautiful, so powerful. Accepting that may seem like a heady thing. But, what
about if we just start to meditate on what that looks like for us?
Let’s start right now!
Saturday, February 26, 2022
The National Eating Disorders Awareness Week: Graciousness
This week, February 21st through the 27th,
2022 is the National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. It’s a week that focuses
on information about image and the factors that drive disordered eating and
appearance issues.
With that being said, let’s also briefly examine the
wonderful attributes that make us up, attributes that extend beyond physical
appearance. We are more than what we easily see.
We are/have…
…Graciousness
Many of us have such poor self-image, we believe we are ugly,
clumsy, stupid, lacking any kind of poise or style. We have difficulty
believing we are, in any way, graceful or gracious. Yet that is what is
inherent in us. How much more so, as so many of us are sensitive and
empathic?
We possess a graciousness to life. Many of us have painful,
horrific backstories that have made us champions, gentle, encouraging
cheerleaders and advocates. Gracious. There’s more than meets the eye to
that word. There’s more than meets the eye to you!
Friday, February 25, 2022
The National Eating Disorder Awareness Week: Love
This week, February 21st through the 27th,
2022 is the National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. It’s a week that focuses
on information about image and the factors that drive disordered eating and appearance
issues.
With that being said, let’s also briefly examine the
wonderful attributes that make us up, attributes that extend beyond physical
appearance. We are more than what we easily see.
We are/have…
…Love
We’re lovable. As is. Right now. Regardless. We deserve love.
We are able to give and receive it.
But many of us have experienced and have learned horrific
lies and abusive circumstances that have told us otherwise.
Still, the truth is love. For us. We are worthy of it. We are
loveable.
That will not change.
Thursday, February 24, 2022
The National Eating Disorder Awareness Week: Curiosity
With that being said, let’s also
briefly examine the wonderful attributes that make us up, attributes that
extend beyond physical appearance. We are more than what we easily see.
We are/have…
…Curiosity
We have not abandoned our spark. It may be a low flicker
right now, but it’s still there. A lot of that has to do with curiosity,
being of an ever-learning spirit. Think about it. We would not have gone as far
with disordered and image issues, were it not for the curious thought we had
challenging us to experience more than what our current circumstances were.
Yes, we traveled in the path of destruction and distortion.
Yes, this path was even life-threatening. Yet, knowing what we know now, and we
have obtained much wisdom already in our lives, we can redirect and re-channel
our curiosity and embrace learning new ways of health, fulfillment, and
self-discovery! We are worth it!
Wednesday, February 23, 2022
The National Eating Disorder Awareness Week: Courage
This week, February 21st through the 27th,
2022 is the National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. It’s a week that focuses
on information about image and the factors that drive disordered eating and
appearance issues.
With that being said, let’s also briefly examine the
wonderful attributes that make us up, attributes that extend beyond physical
appearance. We are more than what we easily see.
We are/have…
…Courage
To survive the things we have survived, eating disorders included, to face life with hope and strength, despite so many circumstances that tell us otherwise, requires courage.
Courage, however, like this image here, doesn’t always possess the lion’s roar.
Sometimes, it’s quiet, seemingly, nonexistent, in nature. But
it is, nevertheless, there.
We have it. Our breath is courageous. Our decisions,
large and small, loud and quiet, are courageous. We have believed far
too many lies, including those of disordered eating and image. Let’s start
believing the truth.
We have courage.
Tuesday, February 22, 2022
The National Eating Disorders Awareness Week: Strength
This week, February 21st through the 27th,
2022 is the National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. It’s a week that focuses
on information about image and the factors that drive disordered eating and
appearance issues.
With that being said, let’s also briefly examine the
wonderful attributes that make us up, attributes that extend beyond physical
appearance. We are more than what we easily see.
We are/have…
…Strength
We are still here. We probably survived some hell, didn’t we?
Some abuse, some loss, some struggle, some pain, some heartbreak. We are still
here. You and I are strong, even if that’s the LAST thing we feel right now.
Monday, February 21, 2022
The National Eating Disorder Awareness Week 2022: Hope
With that being said, let’s also
briefly examine the wonderful attributes that make us up, attributes that
extend beyond physical appearance. We are more than what we easily see.
…Hope.
Think of how we are still here.
Something kept us going. Even if/when we were in despair, we
held onto some hope. And that’s powerful. It speaks well of our character.
Because of the many factors and issues surrounding the eating disorder issue,
we have had to dig in, even more, than, perhaps, other people.
Hope is powerful WE are powerful! Let’s not lose sight of
that. Hope is often a good springboard for other “strength of character” issues
to be built on! Be proud of who and what you’re building! Be proud of yourself!
This week, February 21st through the 27th,
2022 is the National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. It’s a week that focuses
on information about image and the factors that drive disordered eating and
appearance issues.
With that being said, let’s also briefly examine the
wonderful attributes that make us up, attributes that extend beyond physical
appearance. We are more than what we easily see.
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