Cruel To Be Kind

 

“He that refuseth instruction despiseth his own soul: but he that heareth reproof getteth understanding.”
Proverbs 15:32

“If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”

In theory, it sounds good, but, within the context of addiction, it’s trickier. Sometimes, we absolutely need to hear the un-nice things, because they are true and potentially lifesaving.

My personal experience with all things disordered eating has given me that lesson numerous times. A first significant instance involved my college roommates.

As a freshman, my focus was an anorexic one. The goal was to get as thin as I possibly could.

So, severe restriction and exercise were implemented daily. My roommates witnessed me drinking diet shakes, not eating in front of them and pedaling for hours, pre-dawn, on my exercise bike. During that first year of college, they didn’t comment much on these activities. It was almost amusing to them. Quirky me, doing quirky things. I paid my rent on time and didn’t annoy their boyfriends. So, all was well.

Sophomore year, however, was dramatically different. Bulimia overtook my anorexic tendencies and I quickly lost all of my prized self-control. Ravenous, not just physically, but also emotionally, I was desperate to self-soothe. And forbidden foods I had once sworn off seemed to be the perfect means of finding comfort. Unfortunately, I did not stop at my food. I eventually moved over into my roommates’ food as well, stealing from their cupboard and refrigerator space. Nothing would stop me from eating. Nothing.

It didn’t take too long before their stolen food was noticed and missed. I remember at least two major interventions in which they confronted me.

One of those instances also pulled in the college social worker. Sitting around a conference table, no one was pulling any punches. They laid out all of my troubling behavior: stealing food, rummaging through garbage cans and dumpsters, extreme binging/exercising.

“...As my roommates questioned me about their missing food, I thought ‘A-ha! See, that is all you care about. You don’t care about me at all.’ I was beyond seeing the big picture. Anyone reaching out to me was an enemy I needed protection from. I didn’t realize that these people were aching to help me but feeling helpless. They didn’t know how to deal with my problem any better than I did. To handle the confrontations, I convinced myself I was still in control and played it all off...”

(Excerpt from Cruse’s “Thin Enough: My Spiritual Journey of the Living Death of an Eating Disorder”)

“... a scorner heareth not rebuke.”

Proverbs 13:1

Our uncontrolled responses impact others. The addict, however, doesn’t want to admit to that or accept that, because a major element of that “impact” is hurt, pure, damaging hurt.

“A mocker resents correction; he will not consult the wise.”

Proverbs 15:12

And so, an intervention is often inevitable. It is a spiritual force. Indeed, looking a little closer at that word, is it code for rebuke?

“... a scorner heareth not rebuke.”

Proverbs 13:1

Whether or not we want to admit it, we, as addicts, function in that role of scorner. We scorn anyone and anything that does not agree with our addictive behaviors.

So, of course, if any of us addicts are caught in an intervention situation, we are most likely uncooperative and resistant. We, as addicts, aren’t interested in being corrected. We, as addicts, are interested in our addictions.

“I must be cruel only to be kind.”

Act 3, Scene 4, “Hamlet”

Without giving any spoilers, let’s just say William Shakespeare’s Hamlet confronts his mother over a disturbing issue. He uses this very language to convey his deep distress in this “intervention.” We’ve all heard the adage, “the truth hurts.” This applies to us all, Shakespeare or no Shakespeare, addiction or no addiction, intervention or no intervention.

“Hear instruction, and be wise, and refuse it not.”

Proverbs 8:33

No matter who we are, we are ALL in need of correction.

But when addiction enters the scene, this reality is further amplified. Sometimes, it IS a matter of life and death. A lot of us have seen- and personally been on the receiving end- of this correction, via the device known as the intervention.

That means hurtful truth must come forth. That means cruel, hard to hear things must be said for the greater, kinder good, like saving our lives and families. And that means, none of it will “tickle our feelings.”

“Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.”

Hebrews 12:11

And, because most of us are far too tickled by our own addictions, there isn’t much motivation to heed the cruel in the name of kind interventions. We’d rather just be addicts- and not change anything.

What is the “cruel” thing which keeps encountering us? Is it coming from a spouse, a sibling, a parent, a child, a friend? Is it the thing we do everything within our power to avoid and silence? But, if we heeded what was said, would it salvage something within our lives, beyond our much-loved addictions?

We owe it to ourselves to be kind to ourselves and consider the spirit of the intervention and its words as they keep confronting us.

To ignore any of our unpleasant truth is to inflict the ultimate cruelty upon ourselves.

Copyright © 2022 by Sheryle Cruse