Empathy?
The milk of human kindness?
Walking in another’s shoes?
Being non-judgmental?
Those are the ideals, aren’t they? Life is tough; human
beings are imperfect. So, we should be compassionate towards one another,
right?
A definition of self-care is choosing not to argue
with someone who is committed to misunderstanding you and me.
So, why are some people so committed to
misunderstanding us?
One possible theory…
They cannot relate to- or have no experience with-
another person’s struggles.
Well-meaning people. Well-intentioned people. Often, those
are just code words for “clueless.” It’s not to be negative; it’s simply to
point out how some people have no frame of reference for some deep-issue stuff
of life: abuse, addiction, trauma, illness. They may mean very well with their
unsolicited advice or platitudes. But they do not know whereof they speak.
The person who encourages an abused woman to “just work it
out with him…”
The person who compares someone’s addiction to alcohol to
their penchant for lattes…
The person who tells a traumatized person, “I know exactly
how you feel…”
The person who inserts what would be their choice of cancer
treatment upon a person who is facing their gauntlet of difficult choices…
Why are they committed to
misunderstanding?
Why do people take these stances when it comes to struggling
individuals?
I think, in explaining this possible reason, it may have to
do with the well-meaning intention of someone who wants to help. However, they can
be oblivious to the potential reality that their very “help” may be more
harmful instead.
They do not know whereof they speak. If a person comes from a
healthy family or marriage, has no addictive tendencies, has not been crippled
by a life-altering event, or has barely had a cold or flu within their
lifetimes, it can be difficult to get the gravity of just how bad a
circumstance is. Maybe the victim or the survivor looks great, appears
to have a great handle on things, or that affected person supposedly could
benefit “so much more” if only that person would follow the advice
giver’s directives.
All
better now.
Easy, peasy, lemon squeezy.
The Alternative Commitment Instead:
How about the gentle ask instead?
What if we just don’t go in assuming (because, you know what they say about
assuming)? What if we slowly, quietly, respectfully ask the question,
“Is there anything I can do to help?’
Oh, and mean it when we ask
the question.
What if we admit to ourselves, and to
the person we’re encountering, that we don’t know about their issues,
and we certainly don’t know about their lives?
But we are willing-and able- to
learn?
What kind of commitment will be shown
then?
Another possible explanation for the misunderstanding commitment?
“They” want what they want, no matter what the cost may be.
Machiavellian.
The ends justify the means.
Eye on the prize.
Focus.
Horse blinders.
Being goal-oriented.
It doesn’t necessarily matter what we call it, its hallmarks
seem to be the same: they get what they want at others’ expense, specifically, our
expense. We are collateral damage to their vision, delusion, goal, desire, and
unmet need.
Nothing seems to stand in their way. Including us.
Ouch. That is painful. Really? We are that expendable?
Yep.
They can emotionally blackmail and shame us into shelling out
money, doing painful things for them, like attending a hostile family function,
perhaps with a sweet expression and tone in their voice. We find
ourselves showing up, giving them the help, the attention, and the
consideration at said event.
And they have no problem, whatsoever, cursing us out,
humiliating us, and even asking for still more money and favors, because
somehow, in their minds, they feel that we owe it to them.
Why are they committed to misunderstanding?
Short answer? They don’t care about us. We do not register
value to them, in any way. They refuse to see us, hear us, consider us, and, of
course, respect us. They don’t need to do so, in their opinion.
They don’t want to understand… so they don’t.
The Alternative Commitment Instead:
Here’s where we truly encounter the universal truth: we can
only control our responses, not someone else’s. A bitter pill to swallow, but
worth mentioning as, this kind of person will not self-reflect or be
interested in treating us any differently than they have been doing already.
It’s working for them. Why should they change?
Therefore, the alternative commitment, on our part, needs
to be one of brutal acceptance of the limited situation. We need to forsake the
toxic hope they will change. They have shown us how they choose to live. It is
wasted time and energy to wait on their epiphany. They don’t see that
there is any epiphany to be had. If anything, we should see the
light, their light. We should come around, be the whipping boy or
girl, fall in line, never critically think, or ask questions. Obedience
to them is the epiphany they feel we need to give to them. Refusal to do
so makes us the villain, them, the victim.
No-win. Don’t try. Opt out and live life without their
approval. They’ll make sure we never get it, anyway.
This next possible explanation for commitment to
misunderstanding us falls on the heels of the last one.
They are entitled, and this entitlement trumps truth and
facts.
How does one explain entitlement? We can feel it when we
encounter it, but explaining it? Not so easy. A short answer is entitlement
exists for any myriad of reasons, unrealistic, demanding, selfish and
self-centered reasons that defy logic and normalcy.
Nevertheless, when entitlement is the running chicken with
its head cut off, we need to deal with its impact. And that impact means their
world view is more important than truth or facts.
Sure, no problem adapting to that.
Why are they committed to misunderstanding?
Again, they want what they want, no matter what. They won’t
let anyone, or anything stop them from expecting and achieving that for
themselves. The law of the land? Nope. Human decency? Are you kidding? Gravity?
They’re jumping off a roof right now, to prove their point and stress us out
further.
The Alternative Commitment Instead:
Again, the onus, unfairly, often resides with us, since, many
times, “they” are not willing, nor capable, of changing their behavior in a
healthier direction.
We need to recalibrate our expectations as we choose to
encounter them, and as we choose the level of interaction involved. No contact?
Low contact? A conscious understanding they will practice their bad behavior?
How much will we be affected by that? Can we handle that?
Nope, it’s not fair. It’s necessary on our part,
nevertheless.
We need to self-protect; we need to self-care. And that must
become our focus.
We are worth doing so.
Yes, it is a shift in thinking. We take our power back, constructively,
as we work to remove their toxic powerful hold over us. It’s not a neat,
tidy, painless process.
But, if we make the commitment to ourselves to practice
it, however imperfectly, it is worth it in the long run.
Still more fun possibilities regarding their
commitment to misunderstanding us?
They want to believe what they believe about us.
They have decided. And we weren’t a part of that
decision process.
Why are they committed to misunderstanding?
We are what we are to them. And they will entertain no other
explanation, expansion, or complicated facet to that decision.
They have decided. It’s done.
The Alternative Commitment Instead:
Again, their commitment, by virtue of a mercenary situation,
needs to come back to our deliberate response and choice. What will we
do now? They only see us as black and white, rigid, one-dimensional, and
an inaccurate perception. How will we view ourselves… and them?
It’s our move.
It’s a unique, personal, imperfect, ongoing, daily, and
painful process. No sugarcoating it.
The overarching theme here?
We Must Make Understanding, Choosing, Loving, and
Protecting OURSELVES the Priority.
No two snowflakes are alike. What that daunting challenge
represents for you will not be the same as it is for me. No right or
wrong there. Just the individual, the unique, the personal. How is that
manifested in each human being? That is the work of the rewarding, the
life-changing, the life-sustaining, commitment.
Let’s get to committing to it, no matter who, or what,
has affected our lives.
Copyright © 2022 by Sheryle Cruse
No comments:
Post a Comment