I am
astounded by the number of young people who approach me with such intense
self-loathing. I frequently hear them say things like…
“I hate
myself; I’m so ugly, disgusting and stupid.”
“I hate
myself. There’s nothing good about me.”
When I ask
them, however, why they feel that
way, I usually get this response:
“I don’t
know.”
“For what I am doing,
I do not understand...”
Romans 7:15
Statistics
show…
“One in
every 200 girls between 13 and 19 years old, or one-half of one percent, cut themselves
regularly.”
“The three leading causes of death for 15 to
24-year-olds are automobile crashes,
homicides and suicides – alcohol is a leading factor in all three.”
“About 20 percent of teens will experience
depression before they reach adulthood.”
“Suicide is the
third- leading cause of death for 15 to 24 year olds in America.”
It reminds
me, of a South Pacific musical number, “You’ve Got To Be Carefully Taught.” Its
theme was learning racism. However, the song’s lyrics are too eerily close to
teaching self-hatred:
“You’ve got to be taught to hate and
fear. You’ve got to be taught from year to year. It has to be drummed in your
dear little ear. You’ve got to be carefully taught…”
It seems to
be reflected in so many young people’s minds now. Self-hatred is never far from
the conversation. Threats of suicide and self-injury often pop up.
“For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he...”
Proverbs 23:7
Unrealistic
body images, consumerism, and conditional love statements are just a few
examples of things which are “carefully taught.”
And we
usually don’t see the damage until years later when, for instance, “all of a
sudden,” someone has an eating disorder or is a cutter. And then we ask what
happened?
The reality
is, often times, eating disorder sufferers and self-injurers, these kids with
tremendous self-hatred, are the “good kids.” They’re the pleasers, the overachievers
and the ones we tell ourselves we’ll “never have to worry about.”
Perhaps, we
didn’t teach these kids as carefully as we should
have about their inherent, everlasting value. The kids learned all too much,
all too often, toxic, manipulative and distorted lessons. And they didn’t learn
God’s lessons about their worth, beauty and identity.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my
ways, says the Lord. For as the
heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My
thoughts than your thoughts.”
Isaiah 55:8-9
Things like…
“Since you were precious in my sight… I have loved you…”
Isaiah 43:4
Whenever I
speak with a young person, a large challenge I have is convincing them of this
scripture’s relevant truth for them, individually and personally. They are not
excluded.
“…‘God is no respecter of persons.’”
Acts 10:34
But that
Truth has such toxic competition with this world’s harmful messages.
And today’s
youth, unfortunately, are repeatedly “carefully taught” its destructive “exclusive”
lesson. Whether it’s the preferential treatment of high school popularity,
bullying or the emphasis of celebrity status, the message conveyed is often the
beautiful/worthy people are included, while the worthless, ugly and defective
people are to be shut out.
And another
toxic message, the “conditional love” message, is also constantly bombarding us-
and of course, today’s youth. Indeed, this “conditional love” can come from
such avenues as popular culture, school or even from the family unit itself.
Whether it’s conscious or not, intentional or not, the message is this: results
are prized, warranting love, affection and positive affirmation. If, however,
the individual does not obtain these
desired results, then he/she is worthless.
I have personally
experienced this kind of “conditional love message” myself.
“I desperately wanted my dad to
notice me…My perfect attendance record in school is an excellent example. For
three years in a row, I did not missed one day…knowing that I would win a
perfect attendance certificate, proof I was worthwhile…So for the next few
years, I went to school with colds, sore throats and influenza…
When
I reached junior high, I became so sick I had to stay home…After three days home,
my dad…decided he would take me into school...he was fuming…I got up the nerve
to ask him, “Do you still love me?” His answer? “If you do this again, I
won’t.” …I had to prove myself in order to be loved...”
(Excerpt taken from Cruse’s book,
“Thin Enough: My Spiritual Journey Through the Living Death of an Eating
Disorder”)
Just like I
did, years ago, vulnerable youth are often left to personalize this conditional
love message. Besides eating disorders, body image and self-esteem issues, addictions,
self-injury, and suicidal thoughts/actions can also occur.
These toxic
messages exalt a temporary or nonexistent estimation, like image, fame,
achievement or money to make someone loveable and valuable. When we, therefore,
subscribe such god-like importance to them, the cries for help from our youth often
occur.
Any message
which promotes hatred/rejection of self is not
from God.
“Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins.”
Proverbs 10:12
That’s, perhaps, the most dangerous message a young person
can receive: God hates him/her. “God is love” (1 John 4:16), sadly, is
not their experience. Again, we have allowed ourselves to be carefully taught,
seemingly everything else except
God’s Love and Word. Repeatedly, God tells us He loves each one of us-
unconditionally, faithfully.
“…‘Yea, I have loved thee with an
everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.”
Jeremiah
31:3
“But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while
we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:8
He commands
us also love each other…
“This is my
commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.”
John 15:12
But that
love must begin with self. We may nod
our heads and roll our eyes at that statement, but we still have so much
difficulty living it. We hate
ourselves in the name of achieving acceptance, popularity, success and unrealistic
beauty and image standards. I’ve seen it; I’ve done it.
How many
addictions, disorders and suicides does it take? Who’s expendable enough to be
the sacrificial lamb? When does the insane self-hatred lesson stop being
taught?
God is not
the enemy; we are, often times! In
every harmful and wrong message, when will we accept and teach this one, when
it comes to a person’s value?
“For
God so loved the world, he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth
in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”
John 3:16
Copyright © 2014 by Sheryle Cruse
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