“Confess your
faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The
effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”
James
5:16
Today is our wedding anniversary. God
has blessed my wonderful husband, Russell and I in so many ways over the years.
And one of those incredible blessings for me personally has been the acceptance
and the freedom from my eating disorder secrecy. Each wedding anniversary, I’m reminded
of how I wasn’t able to tell Russell about my struggles, for fear of his
rejection. And, each anniversary, as well as on a daily basis, I’m reminded
just how loving, kind and accepting Russell has been. The truth does set you
free. Confessing the eating disorder truth doesn’t make everything perfect, but
it does release you from the prison of deceit and the worst case scenario of
being “found out.” I’m including an excerpt from my book, “Thin Enough: My
Spiritual Journey Through the Living Death of an Eating Disorder” in honor of
my wonderful husband and the freedom God has given me.
“Although I was craving love, I was
determined to avoid it. I’d seen unhealthy relationships galore. I’d focused my
life on achievement, convincing myself that the goals, awards and prizes would
be more than enough for me. And besides, college was demanding enough; I didn’t
need any more hassle. Still, I couldn’t deny, I did want that hassle.
In college, I was pursuing a theatre
degree. My best performances weren’t on the stage, but in my everyday life,
protecting my secrets. Acting, lying: what’s the difference, anyway? It was
through theatre that I met Russell, the first guy that I couldn’t push away.
He was there for me.
I met Russell when I transferred
schools. We were both theatre students and met in the college drama department
when I was a junior. We stayed on friendly, acquaintance-level terms through my
graduation. He was sweet to me, and possessed a dry sense of humor. It made for
supportive, interesting and funny conversations. Still, I looked at him the way
I looked at other guys: a nice friend, but still someone who must never know
all of my ugly weaknesses.
Even though we didn’t start dating
until after I graduated, our friendship was gradually changing while I was
still in school. During my senior year of college, he was very thoughtful. For example,
on Valentine’s Day, he stopped by my dorm room. Of course, I had been on my
stair stepper for hours and wouldn’t come to the door. I kept yelling over the
music, “I’m not done yet!” He waited as long as he could, but eventually he had
to leave for work. When I finally finished my routine, I got my stuff together
and headed for the dorm showers. When I opened my door, there was an
overwhelmingly huge bouquet of balloons and a card. He had waited for at least
a half-hour for me, just to give me this sweet gift. All I said to him was “I’m
not done yet.” I felt like the biggest jerk in the world.
When we did fall in love and start
to date, I added new fears to my already long list. The prospect of someone
being close enough to truly know me was scary. I knew that, sooner or later, I
would have to tell him the ugly truth about myself.
Moving from dating to engagement was
difficult for me. I had yet to tell him any of what I’d experienced, and I felt
more and more guilty about lying to him. Every time we went out to eat, I’d
pretend not to have issues with food and weight. I hated feeling like a liar,
but I was scared that he’d reject me if he knew the truth. What man, in his
right mind, looks for all of this mess in a mate? I knew when I told him that he
wouldn’t want me anymore. It bothered me constantly. He sensed something was
wrong, of course, asked me about it. What do I tell him?
As we prepared for our wedding, I
finally mentioned to him that I had a secret I wasn’t ready to share with him
yet. Of course, he was curious and wanted to know right then and there, but he
displayed patient understanding. He told me that he loved me and that it didn’t
matter what it was. He didn’t pressure me to tell him. He knew there was a
secret and left it at that. Even though his response helped me feel freer and
safer, I still felt guilt pulling at me. I began wanting to tell him. After
all, he’d been so incredible with everything else I’d told him. He knew about
my family secrets. He knew all about my weaknesses aside from the eating
disorders. He knew about all that yet still chose to love me. But I kept
thinking, “don’t press your luck.”
Remember the bridesmaid dress story
from my cousin’s wedding? Well, when it was my own wedding, multiply those
insecurities and feelings by a thousand. The wedding dress alone was enough of
a challenge. However, this time I wasn’t able to go to extremes to lose weight
for the wedding. Physically, there wasn’t any way that I could reach that low
weight from years earlier. It was a gift, though, that for the first time in a
long time, I weighed a relatively “normal,” 125 pounds on my wedding day. I was
thankful for that.
I don’t endorse my secrecy from my
husband. I believe it is vital any young woman suffering from eating disorders be
honest and forthcoming with her future husband. Marriage is a holy covenant and
a serious commitment, and I believe you need to share all of the truth. Even
now, I now look back and often wonder how many tears, how many problems, and
how much pain I could have avoided if I just simply told him. The truth really
does set you free. And in telling him, once again, I discovered, the worst did
not happen.
The time for truth came a couple of
weeks after we were married. It was our first Thanksgiving together, and we had
been married for only twelve days. I was still feeling relieved that I made it
through the nuptials. Russ and I did the cutesy newlywed couple “this is the
first mashed potatoes we’ve made together” and “this is our first stuffing and
cranberry sauce” thing. We both ate our holiday feast, and I had tried not to
think about all of the calories.
True to form, however, I proceeded
to exercise after the meal, trying to burn off “the damage.” Russell thought
this was strange and unnecessary; it was a holiday, after all. He told me to
just relax and enjoy the day. I, of course, repeatedly told him that I couldn’t
until I’d exercised. The conversation continued while I was on the stair
stepper for two hours. But I saw a new look on his face: hurt. I was forfeiting
my time with him, my brand new husband, to climb steps that weren’t going
anywhere? I was so tired of keeping this secret, and I wanted to explain myself
so badly to him. The only way I could explain it was to tell him the whole
story from the beginning. First, I played an alternative rock song, an anthem,
a coping mechanism for me to deal with the eating disorders. It was an angry
loud song of rage, and I thought that it would tell him clearly what I’d been
through. It didn’t. He didn’t understand it. I took a deep breath, realizing,
“No, Sheryle, the song isn’t going to tell him. You are.” And so I did.
And the worst didn’t happen. He
didn’t leave me, throw me out in the street, call me worthless and tell me how
much he hated me. No. He looked at me, asked me, “This is the big secret?” He
hugged me, told me he loved me, and told me I was beautiful. I didn’t have to
lie, hide, and pretend anymore in front of the man I loved. I felt a little
freer.
Since then, Russell has been an
incredible support to me as I’ve continued my path in dealing with my food,
weight, and body image issues. It sounds so cliché, but it’s true: he loves me
just as I am.”
“The truth does set you
free” (John
8:32). And “love never fails” (1 Corinthians 13:8).
Never be afraid
or ashamed to tell your loved ones the truthful reality of your struggles. The
freedom from the secrecy is incredible! Free yourself today!
Copyright © 2014 by
Sheryle Cruse
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