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We are coming up on the holidays. For families this is a time
meant for joy, festivities and socializing. These are times meant for us to
draw closer together and to re-affirm what it is to be a family, a time to
catch up on what has been going on and share with one another the prospects
for the New Year. To the individual suffering from an eating disorder, or in
the throes of recovery, these occasions can be overwhelming and threatening.
We want to be helpful and supportive, but nothing seems to come out right.
What do we say? How can we let them know that we care and are there for them,
without being so awkward about it?
Those patients who are struggling are often at a loss during
the holidays. They, too, have expectations for the holidays; and, oftentimes
being perfectionists, they don’t want to let down their loved ones who are
worried about them. Not only do they have to deal with the normal stresses of
the holidays, they worry that they will fail—either their families by
engaging in their eating disorder; or, conversely, their eating disorder by
losing control and gaining weight. Surely, everyone is looking at them,
wondering if they are eating enough, eating the right things, getting enough
rest. Surely, everyone knows that they just got out of treatment and are
talking about them. They smile and put on a brave face. They wonder if people
are avoiding talking to them. Maybe it’s for the best.
Some family members ask innocuously: “How are you doing?”
Well, they think, before they respond with an obligatory, “Fine, thanks,”
they feel…pretty much like a failure. Some of them have had to drop out of
school, leave jobs, see their friends move on with their lives as they stay
stuck. What happened to the person who was an honor student, track star, the
one voted most likely to success? You’re at home with your parents? That’s
great. Maybe you can use this time to get closer together. There’s always a
silver lining to our struggles.
Even worse: “You’re looking really good. You look…healthy.”
Great, they think, I look fat. This dress is making me look fat. My face is
all puffy. Everyone is talking about how fat I am. Maybe I need to stop
eating right now.
No wonder they sometimes hide in corners, avoiding eye
contact. Their body language is closed, forbidding. Don’t talk to me. Don’t
tell me that things will get better. Don’t ask me how I’m doing or if I’m going
back to school or if I’d done with treatment. Don’t ask me anything.
The best approach is not to ignore the eating disorder
individual’s presence, but to approach them with kindness and sensitivity.
Let them know you are glad to see them. Instead of commenting on their
clothing; praise their shoes, jewelry or hairstyle if appropriate. Did they
have a hand in decorating the tree or preparing a dish? Maybe you have a
happy memory that you want to share with them to let them know that they are
an important part of your life. Maybe you want to share something interesting
that happen to you to help take the perceived focus off of them. To engage in
conversation is important and a positive optimistic twist such as talking
about their pets, new people in their lives, or television shows will go a
long way to make the holidays brighter. The holidays are, ideally, a time to
connect—a time to let each one of us know that we are not alone, that we are
part of something greater than ourselves, that we are part of a family. You
can count on us. We’ll be there for you.
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Wise and helpful words!
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