I Had No Idea

 

An often used quote for those of us in recovery is “No child ever says, ‘When I grow up, I want to be an addict.’”

I certainly didn’t think that way concerning my eating disorder experiences.

When I was a kid, I remember watching a biopic of the late singer, Karen Carpenter’s life, as she was suffered with anorexia nervosa for years. This reality, in fact, introduced the eating disorder to the public as a real issue, not just a diet. But, back then, as I watched the film, it never occurred to me that, a handful of years later, I’d be in the grips of severe anorexia myself.

I had no idea.

The National Eating Disorder Awareness Association has a campaign, encouraging each of us to “get in the know.” They say knowledge is power. Scripture warns us of ignorance’s danger:

“My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge...”

Hosea 4:6

There can be many arguments, clichés and stereotypes of what an eating disorder sufferer looks like. I spend a great deal of time debunking such things with young people and their parents. Individuals, indeed, are unique, varying with “symptoms.” But here’s a sampling…

Personality Characteristics of Individuals with Anorexia Nervosa:

•• Perfectionists

•• Conflict avoidant

•• Emotionally and sexually inhibited

•• Compliant

•• Approval seeking

•• Excessively dependent

•• Socially anxious

•• Fear of spontaneity

•• Reluctant to take risks

•• Practice food rituals

Ohio State University FactSheet. “Eating Disorders Awareness: Emotional Issues Involved with Eating Disorders.” 4 July 2003 <http://ohioline.osu.edu/ed-fact/1005.html>.

Personality Characteristics of Individuals with Bulimia Nervosa

•• Unstable moods, thought patterns, behavior, and self-images

•• Cannot stand to be alone

•• Demand constant attention

•• Difficulty controlling impulsive behavior

•• Secretive behavior

Bulimia, Anorexia Nervosa, and Binge Eating Disorders:

•• Inability to soothe oneself or to empathize with others

•• Need for admiration

•• Hypersensitivity to criticism or defeat

•• Frequently experience depression

•• Depression common in families

•• Low amounts of neurotransmitters

•• Low amounts of tryptophan

Ohio State University FactSheet. <http://ohioline.osu.edu/ed-fact/1005.html>. Used with permission

Recognize yourself or your loved one here? A major hallmark of disordered eating is secrecy. Don’t allow that secrecy to blindside you. Don’t be caught saying, “I had no idea.” There is help; there is hope. But each of us needs to “know” about that truth first!

Below is just a start of resources to help recovery. Don’t stop there. If you suspect anything, don’t ignore it.

When You Want to Help Someone You Care About

What to do if…

If your child is younger than 18

Get professional help immediately. You have a legal and moral responsibility to get your child the care s/he needs. Don’t let tears, tantrums, or promises to do better stop you. Begin with a physical exam and psychological evaluation.

If the physician recommends hospitalization, do it. People die from these disorders, and sometimes they need a structured time out to break entrenched patterns.

If the counselor asks you to participate in family sessions, do so. Children spend only a few hours a week with their counselors. The rest of the time they live with their families. You need as many tools as you can get to help your child learn new ways of coping with life.

If your friend is younger than 18

Tell a trusted adult—parent, teacher, coach, pastor, school nurse, school counselor, etc.—about your concern. If you don’t, you may unwittingly help your friend avoid the treatment s/he needs to get better.

Even though it would be hard, consider telling your friend’s parents why you are concerned. S/he may be hiding unhealthy behaviors from them, and they deserve to know so they can arrange help and treatment. If you cannot bear to do this yourself, ask your parents or perhaps the school nurse for help.

If the person is older than 18

Legally the person is now an adult and can refuse treatment if s/he is not ready to change. Nevertheless, reach out. Tell her/him that you are concerned. Be gentle. Suggest that there has to be a better way to deal with life than starving and stuffing. Encourage professional help, but expect resistance and denial. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink—even when he is thirsty—if he is determined to follow his own path.

Some Things to Do…

•• Talk to the person when you are calm, not frustrated or emotional. Be kind. The person is probably ashamed and fears criticism and rejection.

•• Mention evidence you have heard or seen that suggests disordered eating. Don’t dwell on appearance or weight. Instead talk about health, relationships (withdrawal?), and mood.

•• Realize that the person will not change until s/he wants to.

•• Provide information. http://www.anred.com

•• Be supportive and caring. Be a good listener and don’t give advice unless you are asked to do so. Even then, be prepared to have it ignored.

•• Continue to suggest professional help. Don’t pester. Don’t give up either.

•• Ask: “Is what you are doing really working to get you what you want?”

•• Talk about the advantages of recovery and a normal life.

•• Agree that recovery is hard, but emphasize that many people have done it.

•• If s/he is frightened to see a counselor, offer to go with her the first time.

•• Realize that recovery is the person’s responsibility, not yours.

•• Resist guilt. Do the best you can and then be gentle with yourself.

Some Things Not to Do…

•• Never nag, plead, beg, bribe, threaten, or manipulate. These things don’t work.

•• Avoid power struggles. You will lose.

•• Never criticize or shame. These tactics are cruel, and the person will withdraw.

•• Don’t pry. Respect privacy.

•• Don’t be a food monitor. You will create resentment and distance in the relationship.

•• Don’t try to control. The person will withdraw and ultimately outwit you.

•• Don’t waste time trying to reassure your friend that s/he is not fat. S/he will not be convinced.

•• Don’t get involved in endless conversations about weight, food, and calories. They make matters worse.

•• Don’t give advice unless asked.

•• Don’t expect the person to follow your advice even if s/he asked for it.

•• Don’t say, “You are too thin.” S/he will secretly celebrate.

•• Don’t say, “It’s good you have gained weight.” S/he will lose it.

•• Don’t let the person always decide when, what, and where you will eat. She should not control everything, every time.

•• Don’t ignore stolen food and evidence of purging. Insist on responsibility.

•• Don’t overestimate what you can accomplish.

ANRED: When You Want to Help Someone You Care About. <http://www.anred.com/hlp.html>. Used with permission.

There is hope; there is recovery. And there is a God Who helps in it ALL!

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go: I will guide you with My eye.”

Psalm 32:8

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”

Psalms 46:1

Part of that help IS awareness of this very real issue. Please be in the know!

Copyright © 2016 by Sheryle Cruse