Self-Doubt: A Study in Gaslighting

As we become more aware of gaslighting, as a manipulative tactic of Narcissistic abuse, we see how self-doubt is often used as a weapon against us. And it doesn’t always show up in an obvious manner of someone telling us we’re crazy.

The self-doubt approach, on the behalf of toxic individuals, if often more toxically subtle than that.

I once encountered a family dynamic that, of all things, employed my school yearbook as evidence that no, I was not crazy.

I know. I need to explain a bit.

In this incident, my blood relatives spoke from a place of authority, about the birth order of a certain person. This person attended my high school. Hence, they were in my yearbook at the time. I had proof of their graduating year, as well as documentation that there were no younger siblings coming down the pike. I presented my information, dispelling how this person was, in fact, “the baby” of the family, not the older siblings amongst the group, my blood relative held firm to their assertion.

And I proceeded to go quiet.

Even more troubling? I doubted myself. I doubted if I, in fact, knew what I knew. I needed to look no further than my yearbook; this person was confirming what I knew, there, in black and white.

I had evidence, yet, I found myself “deferring” to their assertion… why? I was intimidated, ergo, groomed, not to trust myself. And this, therefore, made gaslighting all the easier.

How does this happen?

Gaslighting often presents itself from a position of authority.

My blood relatives, all older than me, gave the perception of being the wiser sages.

Like many of us out there, I was raised to respect and listen to “my elders.” I was surrounded by elders in this instance. I would have loved to say that these elders were wise and trustworthy. They were not. Instead, they were gossiping and not interested in hearing what I had to say. And, keep in mind, I was not a child here. I was a grown woman. However, they refused to regard me as such. They did not accept that I had anything worthwhile to contribute. They, fundamentally “knew better.”

There was no middle ground.

There was only me, filled with self-doubt, reverting to my childlike lack of confidence.

This can often be the response for many of us abuse victims, dealing with gaslighting and the behaviors of people who are unhealthy and controlling. These individuals are more interested in determining the narrative. There could be photographic evidence, like my yearbook, disputing their theories. Yet, they insist that their reality is the only reality. To argue with that reality, therefore, is tantamount to being labeled as crazy, difficult, this expletive or that expletive.

Somehow, we are the problem for daring to contribute our experience, let alone, truth, to a situation.

That is by design.

Gaslighting is not interested in being open and direct, only confusing and covert.

This form of manipulation thrives best in secrecy. It works best if we don’t know what’s going on.

Gaslighting, again, does not welcome unflinching truth. It does everything in its power to misdirect us and have us believing a lie to be the only truth we need to live by. Gaslighting doesn’t like open discussions. It doesn’t want discourse, with many different viewpoints being discussed and considered. It’s “my way or the highway,” as the saying goes.

Furthermore, gaslighting wants its intended targets to be off balance, unsure, insecure, confused and intimidated. This was me in this yearbook scenario. Indeed, I had proof; I know what I saw. I knew what I knew…until doubt crept in. Then, I questioned my own experience. I had this yearbook for years. I flipped through its pages numerous times. Yet, now, I was rethinking what I believed?

Gaslighting loves that. It’s a tactic that counts on us being unsure, especially, if we once were so certain. Our instincts are innately powerful. Yet, if we believe we cannot trust them, we’re more susceptible to being controlled by others.

And, again, that’s the position many an abuser wants us to be in.

Gaslighting doesn’t own up to anything; it only denies.

Plausible deniability. It’s the escape hatch used to get out of a sticky situation.

When an abuser is confronted by their behavior, they often whip out plausible deniability. “You misunderstood me,” “You must have misheard me,” and “I don’t remember/recall that” are all weaponized for maximum self-doubting on our part and minimum accountability on their part. They can weasel out of an uncomfortable moment by feigning ignorance.

Concerning my yearbook incident, by producing its very existence, my blood relatives were adamant about telling me I wasn’t seeing (or reading) the situation accurately. Seeing the actual person, in question, within the pages of the yearbook, confirming may data and disputing theirs was not allowed to happen.

I was wrong. I was confused.

How thankful, therefore, I should be that my relatives were there to show me the error of my ways! I needed to be grateful to them for that.

Gaslighting gets us to do all the work, by getting us to distrust ourselves and our experiences.

Concerning the yearbook incident, as discombobulating as it was, was not surprising to me. In fact, it was familiar. And that can be the problem.

I was “used to it.” I was used to be ignored, neglected, dismissed, critiqued, and mocked. I did not have the experience of being treated as an adult, worthy of dignity and respect. They had determined, already, many years ago, I had nothing worthwhile to contribute. Forget tangible evidence. Forget my personal experience. Again, there was only room for one way of believing, theirs, not mine. The group think was against the individual.

I learned that me, against their “mobbing” approach, was a losing battle. Hardwired, as a child, even as an adult, years later, I struggled to see any of way of existing in the dynamic.

And a yearbook certainly couldn’t save me.

Gaslighting is, indeed, insidious, from start to finish. It establishes much of its toxic agenda, early on, by disempowering us, through crippling second guessing.

No, we don’t trust ourselves. No, we don’t have confidence.

Yes, we, all too often, trust harmful, untrustworthy people, believing they know best.

For some of us, this template is set in childhood, a context in which we have no other frame of reference, let alone, personal sovereignty and agency. Dependence for our mere survival demands we “get along to go along.”

And that survival mode remains, long after we exit childhood and our family of origin.

For some of us, it’s a love relationship or a friendship. Again, we place trust in the wrong person, believing them to be honorable, trustworthy, responsible and desiring our best interest. Sadly, sometimes, we experience the exact opposite.

So, when the immediate damage of these kinds of relationships and situations has happened, we are often in the grips of complex post traumatic stress disorder. We’ve been sufficiently traumatized and now, we have to deal with the jarring reality of who and what we experienced.

If we don’t get further help to address what we encountered, we can be in danger of taking over the work of our abuser. These people can be out of our lives, even dead, yet their voice, unfortunately, can become our abusive, oppressive voice. They get into our heads. They get in our belief systems.

And our sense of self? Well, if it wasn’t formed in a healthy way already (most of the time, let’s get real, it was not), then it’s shattered and further torn from the pain, confusion, mixed messages we barely survived.

Self-doubt is highly profitable for the gaslighting person. The execution of one’s personal agenda can be intoxicating. Beware.

Yes, controlling another human being can be lucrative, extracting financial, relational, and personal resources from the target of abuse.

It’s not merely a question of “Why would an abusive person gaslight someone?”

It’s also needs to be asked, “How will we recognize when we, in fact, are gaslit?”

Copyright © 2020 by Sheryle Cruse