The old
adage goes “change is a part of life.” And we nod our heads in agreement.
However, for those of us in recovery from addiction, disorder and abuse, change
can feel downright impossible. Our cravings, our unmet needs, our pain and our
genetics can all play the role of adversary in our lives, beckoning us to
return to our old ways. That’s not a surprise.
But, what is often more of a blindsiding situation,
is the opposition from an unlikely source: our close relationships. It can thoroughly
unhinge us, partly due to what we desire to believe about these individuals:
they love us and want the best for us.
Eh…not
always true.
A watershed
moment of my recovery came when my therapist let me know my progress would not
go unchallenged by my family. I needed to be prepared for their “change back”
attitudes.
Each of
these “change back’s” can, indeed, make things more painful and complicated.
Therefore, to
date, I do not have a close relationship with most of my relatives. There has
been a generational pattern of dysfunction, secrets, addictive and abusive
patterns which are viewed as “normal.”
In response,
certain family members have received treatment concerning their abuse and
addiction issues, with varying degrees of success.
And then
there are the others who are in denial of any sickness or problem going on. To them, keeping the status quo, filled
with its secrecy and shame, is more important than facing or dealing with the
truth, especially when it’s ugly.
So, while in
therapy for both my disordered eating/image issues and the abuse I endured as a
child, I started building “new normal,” healthier responses. I imperfectly
practice these principles. It’s about challenging the harmful “change back”
behavior with one which is more empowering.
First Change Back: Have No Boundaries
In most
families battling abuse and addiction, healthy boundaries are practically
nonexistent. My family fit the criteria: secrecy, shame and inappropriate behaviors/
relationships were all present.
This certainly
applied to my childhood home. My dad was abusive. He often
unleashed his controlling behavior, vicious emotional/verbal torture and
degradation on us.
Because
his way was always in force, always demanded and understood, I learned a
distorted lesson: there was a hierarchy of human value. My dad possessed it
all, while my mother and I were worthless, deserving no individual
consideration whatsoever. It was acceptable for my dad to trample on our feelings,
wishes and needs.
And,
because of my mother’s approach of peace at all costs, I learned there was
preferential treatment when it came to standing up to a violated
circumstance. “Being good” and
“behaving” were prized, rather than learning how to stand firm in who you were.
Within
that atmosphere of inequity, resentment soon festered as I saw my dad, the
abuser, enjoying all of the perks of this arrangement at our expense.
My Change Forward: Challenge the
Boundary-less Notion:
That’s a big reason why the following scriptures have been healing in my whole retraining
process.
“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear:
because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.”
1 John 4:18 -19
“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power,
and of love, and of a sound mind.”
2 Timothy 1:7
I apply these
scriptures to my memories and childhood wounds, as God is helping me to
continually take down each boundary-less lie, erected as truth.
It was one thing to be forced to participate in this
unhealthy thinking as a child. Then, I was voiceless, at the mercy of what the
“knowledgeable” adults viewed as best. However,
with adulthood, as I encountered other people who did not have that harmful pattern
within their family, I learned to take on a boundary-focused approach when I
dealt with mine.
And, like my therapist warned me, my response was
not embraced. Hostility and coercion was more like it. Whether it was the
refusal/inability to see me as an adult, fear of their secrets being exposed/ confronted
or the glaring reality of their sick behaviors, indeed, the “change back”
mindset was in full force.
Those family members against me attempted to shame
me into thinking my attitude was “uppity.” They believed I was brainwashed,
forgetting where I came from and could not understand why I would choose my
newer beliefs over family loyalty.
And, for those relatives who were in therapy for
their addictions and past abuse experiences, there was a muffled kind of
support. Secretly, one aunt who read my book shared how glad she was I shed
light on the abuse and addiction. However, because of her own fear-based
allegiance to the family, she chose not to confront them. Concerning any
“change back” situations I encountered, I was on my own.
Second Change Back: Keep harmful
people close
“That thou mayest walk in the way of good men, and keep the paths of the
righteous.”
Proverbs 2:20
Just because
someone is family, doesn’t mean they have to be involved in your world.
Ideally, they should be the one safe haven we have in people. They should love
unconditionally, support constructively and want the very best for us. But life
is not ideal. All too often, dysfunctional beliefs and behaviors dictate the
scene.
My Change Forward: Limit Exposure to
Toxic People As Much As Possible:
Over the
years, I have tried to pursue and maintain close relationships with family
members, to no avail. It is not because
they are inherently evil people.
Instead,
what I’ve discovered, is the majority of my family are simply not interested in
establishing a connection with me. And, while that is not the ideal,
nevertheless, it speaks to the need to go where you are embraced, not rejected,
whenever you possibly can.
Part of the
reason for the lack of closeness involves many of their self-destructive,
co-dependent and harmful mindsets and behaviors. Most severe: raging addiction
and abuse that can all too easily turn on me if I’m not careful. That includes
offering me an addictive substance (usually alcohol), theft to support a habit
and socializing with an abusive person. There is still not enough which
separates them from their toxic choices and environment. To me, that is
triggering and dangerous.
“Let us not therefore judge one another anymore: but judge
this rather, that no man put a stumbling block or an occasion to fall in his
brother's way.”
Romans 14:13
Most of my
family has lived in the same geographical place their entire lives. Therefore,
they are attached to particular beliefs which represent that place. And sadly,
within that environment, a smaller, isolated, rural community, there flourishes
a culture which more easily embraces abuse and addiction than it does health.
And often,
that culture also has a real problem with a particular word. That word is “no.”
Third Change Back: Don’t Say “No”
My recovery
process involves using this very word. I have ample experience in which saying
“yes” has gotten me into more trouble than standing in my own okay-ness with
stating the two-letter response simply, but firmly.
My eating
disorder issues were certainly driven by an insatiable need for perfection,
approval and to be pleasing. So, “no” became a dirty little word.
My Change Forward: Say “No” Whenever
You Need To Do So:
“No means no.”
My experience
with this word has often been challenged. On numerous occasions, when I’ve
politely given this response to family, they’ve refused it. Therefore, I’ve had
to resort to my next response:
“No is a complete sentence.”
By now, you
would think they would have clearly gotten my point. But, no. To that more direct response, I have gotten rebuffed and
further coerced. Family would tell me I was being unrealistic. They would
convey how they thought I was “too good for them.” They’d dangle a substance or
a behavior, attempting to convince me “a little won’t hurt.” On and on. I might
as well have been dealing with a back alley drug pusher.
Years ago, a
self- defense expert, teaching women how to protect themselves against their attackers,
stated something which changed my life:
“When a person does not accept your ‘no,’
they’re trying to control you.”
Powerful.
Refusal to
heed someone’s no is a violating spirit. It demeans and destroys. And, make no
mistake about it, God has instructed us on the “no” issue:
“Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,'
and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.”
Matthew
5:37
Life does
not require we feel giddy when we’re told no. We’ve all had experiences in
which “yes” would be so much more pleasing to our wants. Nevertheless,
someone’s “no,” however unwanted, needs to be respected. We don’t have to like it. But we do have to acknowledge it.
And, if we can’t do that, it calls into question,
therefore, a larger issue concerning our spiritual health. Is our “yes” answer
from someone more important to us than
their life, sense of dignity and
well-being?
What is our
honest answer?
Fourth Change Back: Lie
And speaking
of honesty, telling lies is yet another “change back” attitude I’ve needed to
confront.
“You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.”
“How do you
tell if an addict is lying? His lips are moving.”
The old joke
is a zinger because there is truth there. And it covers not just addiction to
substances, but to behaviors also. Therefore, in my opinion, it spreads to the
abusive dynamic as well.
Dishonesty
is the name of the game as secrets of diseased behaviors need to be kept, no
matter who is hurt.
“You love evil rather than good, falsehood rather than
speaking the truth.”
Whether it
was abuse or addiction, certain family members of mine have become far too
skilled at both kind of lies: commission
and omission.
Commission
lies are easier to spot. These are blatant, stating one thing when you know
another complete opposite reality to be true.
But omission
lies, well, they’re often more sinister. These are the lies employing silence
and deliberate withholding of information.
“A lie which is half a truth is ever the
blackest of lies.”
Alfred Lord Tennyson
My family were
experts here. It’s, unfortunately, why the sexual abuse of my cousin was
allowed to continue for years. It’s also why a male family member was allowed
to beat his wife, while simultaneously keeping his status as a pillar of the
community and an elder in his church. The lies of omission shielded these
individuals from consequences.
Whether the
motive was fear, loyalty or some kind of reward for his/her silence, the damage
was still done.
My Change Forward: Embrace Truth’s
Freedom:
“The truth shall set you free.”
John 8:32
And, to me,
that deception constitutes eventual trouble, no matter how you slice it.
“He whose tongue is deceitful falls into trouble.”
Looking at many of my family members’ choices,
it appears they often revel in deception and the dysfunction of their vices.
I’ve seen the end of the road concerning many of their decisions: death, unhealthy
relationships, cancer, heart disease, eating disorders, divorce, poverty and
unrealized potential of gifts and talents. Addiction and abuse have taken their
toll. It’s a cautionary tale for us all, no matter our histories. If one
examines the results of lying behavior, really, what positive result is there?
“Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good
days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies.”
I have been
there; I do not wish to return.
“For what I am doing, I do not understand...”
The Apostle Paul in Romans 7:15
“For as he thinketh in his heart, so
is he...”
Proverbs 23:7
As loving, intelligent and generous as she
was, my mother could not give away what she didn’t have. It’s difficult for me
to determine how much was intrinsically attached to her personality versus how
much was affected from the decades of abusive and addictive behaviors. I only
knew my mother as the trapped, frightened prisoner when she was a wife and
mother. I never knew her as a person in her own right: financially independent
and satisfied in her careers as teacher and artist.
I, therefore, have to constantly remind myself
of this and resist the temptation to “blame the victim,” my mother.
My Change Forward: Value Myself:
Still, it is here where I’ve needed to face a
harsh truth. When it comes to healthy identity, there was no way I could
receive it from any family member, including my mother. They have not learned
those value estimations for themselves.
“I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made…”
Psalm 139:14
For now, as I’ve dealt more in depth with the abuse
and addiction mentalities affecting family, I see how it is, indeed, all about
“learning what we live,” whether that’s healthy or harmful. My mother didn’t know
she could have things any differently. She was immersed in abuse and addiction
since she was a child. And, truly, where would her healthy support and help have
come from? Many of her family members were in the grips of their own diseases,
toxic relationships and destructive self-concepts. The blind leading the blind…
Scripture, therefore, has had to be at the
healing epicenter of my self-image. Here was where I first encountered
an empowering viewpoint.
“Don't you know that you
yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you?”
1 Corinthians 3:16
God is constantly in the business of changing
us “from glory to glory” (2 Corinthians 3:18).
Through arming myself with the revelations of Psalm 139:4 and 1
Corinthians 3:16, I see how there is worth and purpose to me because
I am God’s creation. It is; it simply is. Nothing and no one can change
that.
So, entering an atmosphere which contradicts
that is pointless and yes, harmful. They say we fear/attack what we don’t
understand. And, unfortunately, that’s how my family responded to anything
different from an abusive or addictive situation.
However, God being good, has not left a vacuum
for me. Instead, He has given me loving supportive “new” family members: my
wonderful husband, spiritual mentors and loyal friends. It just reiterates what
I’ve learned over the years; family doesn’t always need to be blood.
Sixth Change Back: Be just like everyone else (Don’t make a different life for yourself):
“Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the
things of old.”
Isaiah 43:18
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the
Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
Jeremiah 29:11
My Change Forward: Challenge What is
Possible:
If God is interested in the new, in our
futures, filled with good things, then why should we resist that just because
it’s unfamiliar?
“Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the
things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall
ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.”
Isaiah 43:18-19
So, like
many of us out there, the only way that I could get any healthier perspective
was to get actual physical distance from those individuals who represented that
familiar way of living.
This is not
a new concept. After all, according to scripture, even Abraham was instructed
to leave all things familiar…
“Now the LORD had said unto Abram, Get thee out of thy
country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father’s house, unto a land that I
will shew thee. And I will make of thee a great nation, and I will bless thee,
and make thy name great; and thou shalt be a blessing.”
Genesis 12:1-2
“And said unto him, ‘Get thee out of thy country, and from
thy kindred, and come into the land which I shall shew thee.’”
Acts 7:3
“By faith Abraham, when he was called to go out into a place
which he should after receive for an inheritance, obeyed; and he went out, not
knowing whither he went.”
Hebrews 11:8
Sometimes,
that radical change is the only way we can be open to better, healthier
lifestyle choices.
Indeed, for
me, it was in seeing new things, in living in new places and in meeting
different kinds of people that I was better able to challenge what was
possible. There was more than one way to live.
And, with
that revelation, I could better confront/reject the toxic status quo of my
hometown’s culture. I learned each person didn’t necessarily have abusive marriages
and parents. Each person didn’t necessarily live under a constant threat of
terror from addiction, chaos and the consequences from those poor choices.
It was eye-opening. The combination of my
personally abusive family dynamic and the cultural macrocosm which often
promoted that way of life had isolated me concerning that “common sense”
perspective. And, upon learning that perspective, abusive and addictive
approaches, therefore, are seen for what they are: unhealthy. No, they were not
“business as usual.”
So, renewal
was in order…
“And have put on the new man, which is renewed
in knowledge after the image of him that created him:”
Colossians 3:10
And this
renewal, in our thoughts, in our words and in our actions and responses is vital
when confronted with any and every kind of “change back” to addiction, disease
and abuse.
Perhaps,
you’ve had similar experiences to mine. Maybe you’re the only sober person in
your family. Maybe you’re in a much different, healthier relationship than that
of your parents, your siblings or your community. Maybe you feel you’re going
against the grain, experiencing absolutely no show of positive support. It happens.
But don’t allow that to convince you that your health and sobriety are wrong
just because they are newer and more unfamiliar. No, it’s not easy or painless.
But IT IS worth it!
God has more
for you; life has more for you. Please remember that as any “change back”
challenges that truth!
“Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper
and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth.”
3 John 1:2
Copyright © 2019 by
Sheryle Cruse
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