One Last Blowout

 

 “…Put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony.
Do not crave his delicacies, for that food is deceptive.”

Proverbs 23:1-3

Deceptive food. These are two words which have resonated with me. As I’ve been in recovery from my disordered eating and image issues, one of the things I’ve had to face has been my insatiable obsession with the binge. From childhood on, food has been my drug of choice. Turning to it for comfort in an abusive and disruptive family experience, I eventually became the ostracized overweight child. Cliché bullying and rejection, of course, followed. And that reality flicked the switch when it came to my development of anorexia. Transitioning from a small high school, where I was only seen as “the fat girl,” to the wide open opportunity of college’s reinvention, I “successfully” lost weight by the start of my freshman year. And I kept losing until I was a two-digit weight reading at the college year’s end.

But, the binge temptation was never far away from my mind. And, little did I know then, I was far from finished with my eating disorder journey.

For with restrictive anorexia consuming my new way of college life, any forbidden fruit, which was any food whatsoever, was too demanding to ignore. Despite my strong will, my physical and emotional hunger went into overdrive by the beginning of my sophomore year of college. And I binged with more frequency, all under the delusion each feast was simply “one last blowout.”

 “…I couldn’t stop eating. Every time, I repeated my new vow, ‘I’ll do this just one time.’ One time became always…

…After each feast, I felt exhaustion, guilt, shame, and pain. My body wasn’t able to deal with this violent attack of food. I was literally stuffed with food. My stomach was extremely distended. I looked like a pregnant, malnourished refugee. My stomach was rock-hard and stretched beyond its limits. I was uncomfortable standing, sitting, walking, and breathing. I paced back and forth in my apartment, trying to get comfortable. I hated myself, and felt like the most horrible, disgusting person in the world. Who would want and love me now? What boy? What man? I even started to question—What God? I moved into a new eating disorder…

…It’s amazing how things sneak up on you. For years now I’d been in denial about my issues with food and weight. First, I convinced myself that I could hide my weight with clothing and sheer will. Then, I was in denial about being too thin, convincing myself that I could cover it too. And now, here I was, trying to convince myself that this third eating disorder, bulimia, wasn’t a reality. It was a ‘just this one time’ thing...

I started each day with good intentions, but my cravings and my body were turning on me. Temptation was too strong now. I was re-hooked on the high that food brought. I’d been so long without it, and it brought me such comfort. Food became my answer again… Bulimia was making all the decisions now… It was deciding me…

…I could never eat enough food, but it was always way too much for me to handle. I’d gorge, binge, pig out—whatever you want to call it. The results were still the same: overextended, rock-hard stomach, severe pain and discomfort, and always the sense of failure, shame, and disgust. My heart pounded with panic as I gulped. My hands shook as I stuffed my mouth with enormous quantities of food…”

Gluttony’s compulsive thought dictated the binge would satisfy and soothe pain. The lie comes in when the “more is more” principle promises comfort, lasting happiness and met needs. Gluttony is not merely about food; that’s its most frequent association. Rather, it’s about that driving need to binge- on anything: food, drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, et cetera. It can involve anything and anyone. It’s about excessive need attached to the object of one’s affection.

As cliché and trite as it sounds, life has more to do with balance and health.

“Let us walk honestly, as in the day; not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying.”

Romans 13:13

If anything has occupied a constantly obsessive place in our hearts and minds, to the disruption of anything and anyone else, spiritually, emotionally and physically, the result is damaging.

“…Put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony.
Do not crave his delicacies, for that food is deceptive.”

Proverbs 23:1-3

It’s not about shame. It’s about representing ourselves as the incredible vessels we are; our value is incomparable.

“Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.”

1 Corinthians 10:31

And, while we live and, yes, struggle, there is always grace. It is not about leading a perfect life. It is about recognizing ourselves as valuable human beings connected to a Creator Who will love and help us.

“And he said unto me, ‘My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

2 Corinthians 12:9

Embracing the real deal, not a harmful counterfeit, brings a deeper and healthier sense of self and well-being in this world. We’re all on that continuum. Wherever we are, we can choose to embrace health and The Most High in our process, complete with its struggles and issues. Doing so delivers a result which lasts and fulfills more than the instant gratification lie which harms, fails and fades.

“For he satisfieth the longing soul, and filleth the hungry soul with goodness.”

Psalms 107:9

It’s not about accepting some simplistic Pollyanna approach; our addictions and disorders are far more complex than it. But it is about challenging the binge’s call- to anything or anyone. Why is it calling? What does the binge represent and promise? Why would we entertain sabotaging everything for it?

It’s not called “taking a personal inventory” for nothing.

What is your “one last blowout?” What are the real results if you chase it?

“Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.”

Proverbs 4:23

Our heart issues are as unique as our fingerprints. Isn’t time we turned to those core issues instead of to our binges? One last blowout or one lasting life, health and recovery process?

It’s up to us.

Copyright © 2019 by Sheryle Cruse