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Stress, depression and the holidays: 10 tips for coping

Stress and depression can ruin your holidays and hurt your health. Being realistic, planning ahead and seeking support can help ward off stress and depression.

By Mayo Clinic staff

The holiday season, which begins for most Americans with Thanksgiving and continues through New Year's Day, often brings unwelcome guests — stress and depression. And it's no wonder. In an effort to pull off a perfect holiday, you might find yourself facing a dizzying array of demands — parties, shopping, baking, cleaning and entertaining, to name a few. So much for peace and joy, right?

Actually, with some practical tips, you can minimize the stress and depression that often accompany the holidays. You may even end up enjoying the holidays more than you thought you would.

Recognize holiday triggers

Learn to recognize common holiday triggers, so you can disarm them before they lead to a meltdown:

§  Relationships. Relationships can cause turmoil, conflict or stress at any time, but tensions are often heightened during the holidays. Family misunderstandings and conflicts can intensify — especially if you're thrust together for several days. On the other hand, facing the holidays without a loved one can be tough and leave you feeling lonely and sad.

§  Finances. With the added expenses of gifts, travel, food and entertainment, the holidays can put a strain on your budget — and your peace of mind. Not to mention that overspending now can mean financial worries for months to come.

§  Physical demands. Even die-hard holiday enthusiasts may find that the extra shopping and socializing can leave them wiped out. Being exhausted increases your stress, creating a vicious cycle. Exercise and sleep — good antidotes for stress and fatigue — may take a back seat to chores and errands. To top it off, burning the wick at both ends makes you more susceptible to colds and other unwelcome guests.

Tips to prevent holiday stress and depression

When stress is at its peak, it's hard to stop and regroup. Try to prevent stress and depression in the first place, especially if the holidays have taken an emotional toll on you in the past.

1.    Acknowledge your feelings. If someone close to you has recently died or you can't be with loved ones, realize that it's normal to feel sadness and grief. It's OK to take time to cry or express your feelings. You can't force yourself to be happy just because it's the holiday season.

2.    Reach out. If you feel lonely or isolated, seek out community, religious or other social events. They can offer support and companionship. Volunteering your time to help others also is a good way to lift your spirits and broaden your friendships.

3.    Be realistic. The holidays don't have to be perfect or just like last year. As families change and grow, traditions and rituals often change as well. Choose a few to hold on to, and be open to creating new ones. For example, if your adult children can't come to your house, find new ways to celebrate together, such as sharing pictures, emails or videotapes.

4.    Set aside differences. Try to accept family members and friends as they are, even if they don't live up to all your expectations. Set aside grievances until a more appropriate time for discussion. And be understanding if others get upset or distressed when something goes awry. Chances are they're feeling the effects of holiday stress and depression too.

5.    Stick to a budget. Before you go gift and food shopping, decide how much money you can afford to spend. Then stick to your budget. Don't try to buy happiness with an avalanche of gifts. Try these alternatives: Donate to a charity in someone's name, give homemade gifts or start a family gift exchange.

6.    Plan ahead. Set aside specific days for shopping, baking, visiting friends and other activities. Plan your menus and then make your shopping list. That'll help prevent last-minute scrambling to buy forgotten ingredients. And make sure to line up help for party prep and cleanup.

7.    Learn to say no. Saying yes when you should say no can leave you feeling resentful and overwhelmed. Friends and colleagues will understand if you can't participate in every project or activity. If it's not possible to say no when your boss asks you to work overtime, try to remove something else from your agenda to make up for the lost time.

8.    Don't abandon healthy habits. Don't let the holidays become a free-for-all. Overindulgence only adds to your stress and guilt. Have a healthy snack before holiday parties so that you don't go overboard on sweets, cheese or drinks. Continue to get plenty of sleep and physical activity.

9.    Take a breather. Make some time for yourself. Spending just 15 minutes alone, without distractions, may refresh you enough to handle everything you need to do. Take a walk at night and stargaze. Listen to soothing music. Find something that reduces stress by clearing your mind, slowing your breathing and restoring inner calm.

10. Seek professional help if you need it. Despite your best efforts, you may find yourself feeling persistently sad or anxious, plagued by physical complaints, unable to sleep, irritable and hopeless, and unable to face routine chores. If these feelings last for a while, talk to your doctor or a mental health professional.

Take control of the holidays

Don't let the holidays become something you dread. Instead, take steps to prevent the stress and depression that can descend during the holidays. With a little planning and some positive thinking, you may find that you enjoy the holidays this year more than you thought you could.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/stress/MH00030/NSECTIONGROUP=2

What Do C3PO and Abuse Have in Common?

I’ve been healing from abuse. I’m starting to see its lessons in practically everything lately, including Star Wars’ characters. I recently re-watched the classic second film of the first trilogy, “The Empire Strikes Back,” and the famous gold android caught my attention.

Specifically, there was a scene on which C3PO walked into an unknown chamber, believing to be amongst the familiar, only to get shot at and, therefore, dismembered. Arms and legs, and even the head, were removed from his torso.

How’s that for a metaphor on the crippling effects of abuse?

Eventually, another famous character, Chewbacca, discovered him, reassembled him as best and as quickly as he could and stuffed the dismembered droid into a backpack that resembled a fishing net, running around with the gold guy on his back as sci-fi adventures ensued.

I related to this fictitious scene in my own life when it came to the confusing, insidious characteristics that so often typify abuse. For many of us caught under its spell, we can be lulled into a comforting, serene, sometimes, uneventful-looking, sense of the familiar. We have found our Mr. or Mrs. Right. We believe we are with a loyal family member who loves us unconditionally. We trust a friend or a business partner who would never betray us.

And, like C3PO, we walk into this soothing, familiar chamber only to- WHAMM-O- get ourselves blown apart.

Sideswiped. Blindsided.

You get what I’m saying.

The thing we never dreamed would happen to us by this person…well, it happened. And it blew our world apart. We’re now hobbled: physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, legally. We cannot function. We cannot put Humpty-Dumpty back together again.

Lessons in Trust

This C3PO scenario showed me how I needed to learn the trust lesson, within the abusive context. Simply stated: you and I cannot trust “just anyone” we meet. Trust is earned. And some people choose not to earn it in the ways we need. Sometimes, it’s not even personal, although it feels exactly that. It just speaks to being careful with whom we share ourselves, our pain. If we are vulnerable with a person, the wrong, untrustworthy person, at that, we can, like C3PO, get blown apart.

Still, there is not permanent despair. For, if we look around, once the dust has settled, we discover a trustworthy soul who is worthy of us.

It’s not instantaneous. The old phrase, “You gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince” exists for a reason. People are learning lessons. And some of them hurt; some of them are painful and wrong for us.

Like many women out there, I experienced harmful relationships, both in friendships and in dating, before I fell in love with my wonderful husband. He, in many ways, has been my Chewbacca to my inner C3PO. However, he’s not perfect (don’t worry, I’m far-r-r-r from perfect, myself). Nevertheless, throughout the past twenty-plus years we’ve been married, my husband has had to learn, through trial and error, and yes, through arguments, the depth of pain abuse has wrought in my being. And, likewise, I’ve had to learn lessons, myself. I learned abuse doesn’t just affect the abused, but also the relationships the abused person sets about to form throughout his/her life. Abuse is painful; it doesn’t get healed with an easy fix.

And that leads to the next lesson…

Lessons in Discombobulation (In Need of Patience)

Yes, it’s all messy. The fallout of post-traumatic stress disorder, years, sometimes, even decades after the intense abuse I experienced, resurfaced in disjointed ways, like the dismembered limbs of Star Wars’ golden droid. I wish my issues and triggers could have been as neatly organized in the fishing net backpack Chewbacca used to haul C3PO around in. It wasn’t like that. And, over the years, it’s been a tossup who has been more frustrated with my abuse: my husband or me.

It’s not fair. It’s not fair that my husband deals with this. It’s not fair that I was abused. Yet, life is not fair. We work with what is and what happened.

There are no violent outbursts, no throwing of things. It’s the quieter stuff of doing painful work within a relationship. Most of this recovery from abuse has been the tedious, uneventful and confusing hard work that often feels unrewarded and unsolved.

Furthermore, it’s bewildering to the “outsider,” my husband, who did not come from an abusive background. As loving and compassionate as he is, he still cannot fathom what it’s like to be abused, grow up abused and be an adult in situations that were abusive. He’s an observer, in a few cases, witnessing some of my toxic family encounters for himself.

Abuse, in its many forms, be they subtle and hidden or extreme and blatant, causes cognitive dissonance for the human being. Mainly, because no person should be treated like this. It’s hard to wrap our minds around it; it doesn’t make sense. With my husband and I, the whole thing is frustrating as I attempt to convey the powerless hostage feeling a person absorbs, and he attempts to understand it and, like a lot of men out there, “fix it.”

Fix it. There’s frustration built in to those two tiny words. Again, with abuse, it’s difficult to just “fix it.”

Lessons in Humanity

Suffering is a part of life. No one corners the market on it. No one is exempt from it.

I don’t have it as bad as some people. But my pain is not to be minimized, either. There’s no such thing as being disqualified for not being “abused enough,” no such thing as “it’s only this or that kind of abuse.”

Abuse is more widespread than we realize. It’s not always a black eye or a busted lip. Sometimes, it the psychological, quiet mind games another person subjects us to, creating our response of fear and self-doubt. Sometimes, it’s the neglect of a checked-out caregiver or spouse who refuses to see, hear and tend to us on a humane level. Sometimes, it’s the insulting name calling, in the guise of “just kidding” or “I gotta toughen you up; it’s for your own good.”

Being human means that, sooner or later, we’ll be traumatized, heartbroken and devastated. My husband, in his own way, has been just that with his life experiences. And that means that I, as an abuse survivor, sometimes need to get out of my own pain and recognize his. There is no game of “Who had it worst?” Nor should there be.

My husband, like Chewbacca, has carried me on his back quite often, as I endeavor to heal. I, likewise, do the same with his pain.

Each one of us is C3PO in life: dismembered, head screwed on the wrong way, helpless, vulnerable, dependent on someone to carry us. There’s no shame to that. This is life, not a movie, not fiction. For those of us dealing with crippling trauma, pain and abuse, we need to recognize, see and hear exactly that.

Let that realization inform our healing. Let it facilitate our healing.

And, to paraphrase a line from the film trilogy, let’s be the droids we are looking for.

Droids that are in the restoration process.

Copyright © 2019 by Sheryle Cruse

Be Like Water

“Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way round or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. Empty your mind. Be formless, shapeless. Like water. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”

Bruce Lee

That’s a tall order; be like water.

Still, within the past ten years, I’ve been placing that order… with myself. I’m hardly the sinewy animal, fighting and adapting to each adversary; it’s not quite Bruce Lee.

Rather, it’s more like this. I’m coping. It doesn’t sound as ferocious. But I’m doing my own adaptation of the “be like water” principle. There are three main forms it can take: liquid, solid and gas. I started seeing, however unconsciously, I have been taking on those varying forms within the past ten years.

Liquid:

This is what most of us visualize when we think of water- its liquid form. And it’s powerful.

Water can drown. Water can give and sustain life. Water refreshes. Water ruins. But always, water, in liquid form, is fluid, ever- changing shape, adapting, coursing through its pathway.

As my life has become more complicated, through the caretaking of my mother and my diagnosis, I’ve become more familiar with it, via tears.

Yep, I’m crying a lot these days. And, while that may not seem especially noteworthy, the context of those tears, for me, is. I have cried in public more often now. Cancer and caregiving can do that to a person.

I’ve always been self-conscious about crying in front of people. My early abuse experiences taught me that vulnerability was weakness- and could, therefore, be exploited. So, don’t cry. Have your limbs torn from your body, bleed profusely, lose everything dear to you and be eternally lonely, but whatever you do, do not cry.

Since my diagnosis, I have cried in front of therapists and specialists who were virtual strangers. Often, my tears were a surprise to me, as I convinced myself I could keep it together. But, inevitably, things would bubble up when a certain person asked me questions about my life, even something as mundane as the spelling of my name or my birthdate. Tears. Ever-so quietly and slowly, a tissue box is slid in my direction. I get empathy eyes. And no one pounces on me.

But here’s the caveat to that point: these individuals are safe. One still needs to be wise about who is around them. Not everyone is to be trusted.

Still, realizing that I could cry and the world would not explode on me was helpful. Granted, it’s not the most comfortable feeling to cry in front of others, especially when they’re strangers, but I give myself the permission to have the release valve I need. Tears allow toxic, painful emotions to flow away from us, literally.

After my diagnosis, I finally realized I had to get more honest and accepting of my true feelings, tear-driven ones included; to refuse to do so could be deadly.

So, yes, Bruce Lee, I am like water here.

Solid:

Of course, with all of these tears, and all of this feeling, I still encountered harmful instances of people who were just not “getting it.” Here comes the unsolicited advice and judgment from people who believed they knew more about my body, my thoughts and my life than I did. And, after politely telling them, “no thank you,” regarding their responses, I employed the next form of water, my icy backbone.

Yes, sometimes, I have had to take a rigid stance, especially with boundaries. Some people I’ve come across have made thoroughly upsetting comments. They have told me “it’s too late for me.” Maybe, they thought this was “Scared Straight.” Maybe they thought fear was motivational. Here’s some feedback; it’s not, at least not for me, anyway.

So, I have gotten a primer on being this solid form of H2O. Ice is rigid water and may, at first glance, look like a formidable spine. But never forget, it can fracture easily. Care must be taken with this solid form. This icy incarnation can shatter into shards.

And, depending upon the circumstances, I must act accordingly. I will freeze out harmful people.

Sometimes, in life, I have to be a real icicle.

I follow Bruce Lee’s advice again; I am like water.

Gas:

Piggybacking this sentiment, I have had revelations about the third form water takes: gas (or mist). Sometimes, for all of the feeling, boundary- enforcing and backbone-creating, I am left with only my final option: dissipation. Sometimes, I just have to get gone and completely remove myself from a harmful situation.

I dissipate, when I need to. Mist is stealth. It’s the least visible of all three forms of water. My lack of presence in some people’s lives is quiet. Dying by attrition. Paraphrasing Dr. Maya Angelou’s advice, “I saw these people for who they were- and I believed them.”

Case in point: one particular event, involving my blood relatives. I went a few rounds with them, in which I said “no,” firmly and politely, to their requests that were simply too expensive for me to grant. More to point, I didn’t want to grant these requests. So, I said “no.” Cajoling and retaliation have since ensued, not the least of which was being called a ***** for my stance. Family fun.

And, this was long before I learned the empowered acronym entrepreneur/hairstylist, Tabitha Coffey employs: Brave-Intelligent-Tenacious-Creative-Honest.

I know this acronym was certainly not my blood relatives’ intention. Using the word as an insulting slur, however, was. So, I’d finally seen- and heard- what I was encountering. Abuse isn’t just getting hit; it’s the refusal to respect a person’s “no,” especially, when another party is only wanting a “yes.” My final recourse was to stop all contact. I evaporated from their lives. And, more than likely, these individuals have not noticed. They only notice if they “need” something from me. I am not readily available for that.

So, here I am, again, following Bruce Lee’s advice. I am like water. I am mist.

States of Being:
Concerning water, we’re still quite clueless about this its mysteries. Water holds power in what we do not know (yet). But it exists, nonetheless, being, without apology. Be like water. It offers no explanation; the onus is on us to discover more about its savage beauty, healing and purpose.

Maybe that was what Bruce Lee was trying to say.

Copyright © 2019 by Sheryle Cruse

Foods That Reduce Stress

Gaslighting’s Laughter

Gaslighting has become a trendy buzzword lately. It’s used to describe the crazymaking tactics often employed within an abusive dynamic.

Indeed, Wikipedia offers its own definition…

“Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim's belief.”

It's about creating a nagging self-doubt, in which we question what we see, hear, believe and feel. Some common phrases?

“You’re crazy. You’ve lost your mind.”

“What’s wrong with you?

“Why are you so sensitive? This is no big deal.”

“You’re imagining things.”

In my personal experience, I encountered those uttered words. But I also ran into another tactic: laughter.

I’m not talking about jovial laughter, good- natured stuff.

Instead, often in tandem with these pointed phrases, I ran into dismissive, mocking laughter, utilized to deflect from real, serious issues and situations.

One family member, uncomfortable with their own angst concerning the abuse existing with our family structure, used laughter as deflection, to minimize how dangerous things were and how much behaviors needed to change.

Once, as an adolescent in pain, responding to the abuse, I bared my soul, sharing how I was experiencing suicidal thoughts. Within seconds of disclosing that revelation, this person started laughing at me, telling me I was silly. Chuckles bubbled up as I was labeled as being a” too-intense” teenager.

I felt betrayed. But even more of a betrayal?

Well, I’m sure you’ve heard how laughter can be contagious. If fact, there are actual laughing groups, sharing a human experience of contagious laughter as stress relief and bonding.

Think of that contagious reality and now visualize me, this upset teen, being laughed at over my suicidal thoughts. Soon, that contagious laughter spread to me.

I was laughing, and it betrayed my very truth. I had betrayed myself because I had succumbed to the dismissive laughter, offered by an individual whose sole agenda was to stop dealing with the seriousness of the discussed subject matter. As I laughed, as I betrayed myself, it was mission accomplished.

The message was further strengthened to both this family member and to me alike: the pain I was experiencing was silly and unimportant. I shouldn’t take my feelings seriously.

For years, I had numerous experiences with me being upset, and then, ultimately, joining in the betraying, contagious laughter.

But this suicidal discussion was the final straw.

I learned, at the tender age of thirteen, I was no longer safe discussing anything important with this person. Moreover, I learned another harmful lesson: people, in general, were unsafe. I could not risk vulnerability, for fear of being laughed at…or worse.

I also learned distrust of my feelings. Was my pain really that bad? That real? That important? After all, it was so easily “laughed off,” even by me?

What could- should- I believe about that?

Laughter, in and of itself, is not evil or wrong. We’ve all had those moments with loved ones, in which we burst out laughing, even at inopportune times, like a funeral. It’s spontaneous. The more you try to suppress the giggles, the more explosive it gets. We have a hard time controlling our laughter. We have all had that.

That, however, is a stark difference to the laughter of gaslighting.

Within that context, there is no spontaneity, no loving, “in the moment” experience of being collectively human, having a human, if not ridiculous and free, moment.

No, gaslighting’s laughter is all about agenda. What is it?

Some purposeful device to try to…

… Stop an uncomfortable conversation…

… Make someone question the validity of their pain and upset…

… Redirect focus to something or someone else…

… “Make” a problem go away.

The laughter of gaslighting is never about resolving an issue; it seeks to negate it, to manipulate it.

So, do you see your experiences here? Have you ever encountered laughter, that may have appeared innocent and jolly, but still, never felt quite right?

Have you felt the laughter was at your expense?

Have you felt it was a diversionary tactic to avoid dealing with an important issue?

Not all laughter is equal. Some of it is sinister.

And yes, some of it IS abuse.

If an episode of laughter makes you feel unheard, unseen, violated or manipulated, it’s probably because it is aimed at doing just that.

Trust your gut.

Laughter is supposed to make us feel better, not worse.

Copyright © 2019 by Sheryle Cruse

Translation: Codependency

Cancer has gotten my attention on many things.

But one thing I hadn’t quite counted on confronting was codependency. And, oddly enough, or appropriately enough, I faced mine as I was placed in a position in which I needed to be taken care of in an intense way. There’s nothing like a threat of death, major surgery and life-altering changes to one’s physical body to really get someone to face their own limitations and unflattering codependent nature.

One can argue we all are codependent, to varying degrees. It’s not just about enabling a drug addict or an alcoholic, say, giving them money, a place to crash or bailing them out of jail. Codependency is often more subtle than that.

Again, trusty-dusty Wikipedia gives us its definition…

“Codependency is a behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity. Definitions of codependency vary, but it is generally defined as a subclinical, situational, and/or episodic behavioral condition similar to that of dependent personality disorder. The term is less individually diagnostic and more descriptive of a relationship dynamic...”

Uh-huh.

Human beings are nothing, if not codependent. After all, we’re social creatures, interdependent on working and living together. Each of us has strengths and weaknesses. The “many hands make light work” principle is often trotted out, encouraging unity and getting things done, etcetera…

On and on, creating nothing but codependent behavior for miles!

Yes, we need to be helpful, of service… within reason.

With BALANCE!

And here is where you and I can get tripped up, as our poor self-images, need for purpose and our extreme approval- seeking demand we overextend ourselves, again and again.

It would be ideal if we would and could recognize this, each time we fling ourselves into self-destructive, unrealistic “save the world” patterns.

But often, we are too much in the middle of our self-imposed tornadoes to witness them spinning us out of control. And then, like Dorothy, from “The Wizard of Oz,” we say to our crisis-stricken lives, “Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore!”

Cancer has strongly nudged, if not, forced me to examine how I was showing up for others in a codependent fashion.

Maybe you’ll see some of yourself here.

Again, as human beings, it’s hard not to fall into at least a little codependency. Largely, I believe, that’s because it has a lot to do with unrealistic expectations, both others’ and our own. Boundaries can be blurry, if they even exist at all when we traipse into a relationship dynamic with another person.

Codependency can be sneaky and subtle. It is often revealed through what others say to us. Here are just a few of my greatest hits. Enjoy.

“You’re so thoughtful!”

I have heard these words uttered repeatedly throughout my life. It usually follows on the heels of me doing some gift-giving. I love to give gifts; it’s a big way I express love.

However, I’ve needed to adjust my gift-giving, post cancer. I soon discovered, although it was never voiced, certain people expected the gifts to keep rolling in after my diagnosis, while I was in the hospital, getting my surgery and as my energy levels were zapped.

Still, that notorious expectation… People wanted things “back to normal” from me. Yes, they paid lip service, acknowledging my health crisis, saying things like “You take care of yourself.”

Yet, actions do speak louder than words, don’t they?

Eventually, their patience wore thin. I was taking too long to recover. I wasn’t “back to normal.” I was different. And soon, there was the pressure for the gift pipeline to resume. Resentment, and sarcasm were executed as I tried to “explain” why I just was not getting with the program.

And soon, unrealistic expectation reared its ugly head within me. Guilt. Arguments like “I should give them money, flowers, gifts like I did before. It’s not that bad. I can do this. They’re counting on me. I can’t let them down.”

I was saying this stuff as doctors strongly cautioned I “take it easy.” That meant no gift-giving, no excessive thoughtfulness (obsession) with pleasing someone else.

I had to take care of myself. I had to rest. I had to receive gifts and help instead of worrying about dispersing them like Santa at Christmas.

Ho- Ho-Ho. Not as merry, as I battled with expectation.

Translation: Codependency

What should everyone expect in this situation? When does expectation become demand?

Gift-giving/receiving has to do the spirit in which it’s done (the intention from both giver and receiver), the expectation (from both parties) and the sense of self derived from doing so concerning both parties (“Am I loved or worthless, based on the transaction?”)

That last one, especially, just shines a big Klieg light onto the “all-or-nothing” way of thinking. Codependency thrives on that premise. We’re either Savior or Villain. There’s no room in between.

“You’re very conscientious!”

This statement has also been directed at me. It’s not in the realm of gift-giving. Rather, it mostly operates in the context of “acts of service.” I do something for someone. Fairly straightforward, right?

Nope.

Here was usually where I responded to an emergency. The only thing was, it wasn’t a one-time thing. No. I had to repeatedly rescue the individual. This was a pattern.

Yet I was not being conscientious for conscientious’ sake. I was simply envisioning the worst- case scenario… and it was solely up to me to prevent it.

How’s that for ego? How’s that for completely unrealistic, unhealthy and unsafe expectation?

Translation: Codependency

Here’s where I was a participant. In these circumstances, whether they be rife with abuse, manipulation or dysfunction, I was choosing. I think that’s what gets lost in the shuffle for so many of us, even within these circumstances. We are constantly choosing, making thousands of decisions each day about how we will respond to, well, life.

Iyanla Vanzant, a well-known life coach, has a great quote: “You can always make another choice.”

Not surprisingly, we, codependents are not thrilled about that statement. We’d rather believe “there is no other choice” and “I have to do this.”

No, we don’t.

It’s not about shaming anyone who has been through abuse and treacherous situations. When you’re in it, you are in survival. There may not be much luxury to analyze the complexities of the environment as, say, you and I are simply trying to stay alive and sane.

However, if we can grasp onto any notion of power and control that we do have access to, we can tap into that power of “making another choice.” It’s not easy; it’s not instant. It’s ongoing and imperfect.

And it is possible, however, whenever, wherever you and I can accept it. We can make different- and better- choices.

 “You have a servant’s heart.”

This one still makes me cringe. I have heard it spoken to me within a volunteer context, where being pleasing and accommodating were held in high regard. And, usually, that means there is some form of worthy cause, implying self-sacrifice and “the greater good.”

In my personal experience, this applies to church. I want to state, church is just one of the many possibilities out there when it comes to being codependent in group settings. I’m not “picking on the church.”

However, yes, indeed, codependency is often encouraged within a church setting. For me, personally, whether I was doing something for a pastor, “the team” or “for the Lord,” it still called into question what was appropriate… and what was not.

It is a sticky question to entertain. Just how DO you and I deal with things when it appears The Almighty is counting on us?

But notice my words; I say “appears,” meaning, is that really what’s going on here? Or is it something else?

Volunteering is a noble, loving, human endeavor. But, if/when you and I add matters of faith to the equation, there can be added pressure and blurred boundaries to the mix.

I received a lot of great insights, camaraderie, and personal discoveries of myself within my church volunteering experiences.

But, undeniably, I also received some toxic messages, encouraging harmful codependent behavior, for “the greater good.”

For me, that meant staying long hours, being sleep deprived, stressing myself out because of unrealistic expectations (from both myself and from church staff), neglecting my husband and my writing, because, after all, “this” (whatever the current task or project of the day was) APPEARED to be that much more important.

“THIS,” after all, included…

Saving lives…

Saving souls…

Feeding the hungry…

And so, I heard the statement, part approval, part warning…

“You have a servant’s heart.”

As long as the pastors were pleased with my performance, as long as I made things flow easier, generated more money, removed burdens, was compliant and cheerful, while being self-sacrificing, I was, indeed, that stellar person with the servant’s heart.

Deviate from those mentioned examples, however, and I risk being the exact opposite? A selfish, unloving, uncaring person?

Can you see the agonizing, double-bind trap to it all?

Translation: Codependency:

We all need to do our part. Yes.

However, spoiler alert, misuses of power and codependency can thrive. And, as we’ve heard of many scandals over the years, church is not immune from those exploitative behaviors.

But, again, this goes beyond the church. Think of any “well-meaning cause.”

“The greater good.”

Think of organizations and groups that have set such high bars of curing humanity’s ills. To make any and all of that happen, even the most well-intentioned group can fall prey to encouraging codependency. There can, without anyone realizing it, emerge the message…

“You need to keep giving and doing at this high level, for the cause, so we can experience the results of it.”

Yet, there is less realization and appreciation to OTHER results which can occur if we try to keep up this impossible pace…

An emotional and mental breakdown…

Depression…

Anxiety…

Addictive behaviors…

Broken marriages and relationships…

Deterioration of one’s physical health…

And, while I was impacted by much of the above listed, what, again, got my attention the most was that last one, via my cancer diagnosis.

Now, to employ church terminology, my “temple,” my “vessel,” was at risk.

Translating Codependency:

I wish I could say that my epiphany was one distinct moment. It wasn’t, even with my diagnosis. Rather, it was a subtle awakening, like slowly coming out of anesthesia.

I think that’s what it can be like for most of us codependents. We often don’t know what we’ve experienced until, perhaps, years- even decades- after the fact.

Hindsight, 20/20 stuff.

But, sooner or later, we come to recognize the dysfunction, the pattern. And, sooner or later, we recognize it’s not working. Our way of dealing with life must change.

People pleasing and being viewed as “nice” can bombard us with guilt and obligation. But we need to look closer at what those connotations are all about.

And, within the framework of codependency, it’s about others’ needs being more important than our own. Each of us needs to recognize our needs, wants and desires are JUST as valid as someone else’s. And sometimes, they take priority over that other person’s situation.

It’s the cliché example of the Oxygen mask on an airline flight. You need to put your own mask on FIRST before you can help anyone else.

And, even if there is no one else around to help, you are worthy enough to pay attention to.

That is the translating we codependents need to be doing.

All by ourselves, without anyone else’s needs or demands, we are worth it.
Copyright © 2019 by Sheryle Cruse