Tuesday, December 28, 2021
Monday, December 27, 2021
Sunday, December 26, 2021
Friday, December 24, 2021
Commemorate, If You Can’t Celebrate
Okay, so we have all been put through a life gauntlet, fully
punctuated by a pandemic.
And now we’re smack dab in the middle of the holiday season.
Nothing like easing the pressure.
There’s also been added pressure as we try to resume
normalcy in this era of life and death uncertainty. Conflicting reports that we
can reunite and gather for the holidays… oh no, now we can’t. Omicron variant.
Still not safe. Still, the possibility of a plague spreading.
And while all of that is happening on the macro level, we are
living our individual, personal micro-levels lives. Unique pain,
struggle, fear, death, and loss. Unique anxiety, uncertainty, dread, illness,
and hopelessness. Unique struggling, present tense, as yes, each of us,
somehow, some way, is presently tense about life.
It doesn’t seem to look so great. For some of us, we are
haunted by a past of trauma and abuse. For some of us, we are just trying
to survive the day, forget about thriving in it. For some of us, there
is despair, not hope, not love, not joy, not future
in our future. It seems unarguably bleak.
So, yes, let’s now place pressure on ourselves to celebrate
with holiday lights, excess consumption, and forced get togethers. Many of us
have no capacity to do that.
I’ve been in plenty of situations, surrounded by plenty of
people who have desired that I “turn that frown upside down.” I have been in
rooms of people who would rather I comfort them with untrue, coerced
happiness, rather than have them be uncomfortable with my real, harsh, and
inconvenient upset.
And especially at this time of year.
After all, after everything we have been
through, pandemic and its forced isolation included, who are we to say
no to celebrating?
Well, we are the currently struggling, the currently
incapable of performing holiday joy and festivity on demand.
I love celebrations; don’t get me wrong. But where I have
major issues with celebrations, even this fabulous holiday season we’re in now,
is when the party, the meal, the gift-giving, the forced and untrue happy
facades are more important than any one individual.
The celebration whole is NOT greater than the sum of its
hurting people parts. One person should not be
sacrificed for the greater holiday event.
But others may not see it that way. Therefore, we need to go
mercenary, rogue, even.
We need to, perhaps, go into hermit mode… and, if we cannot
celebrate, then we need to commemorate.
Commemoration is private.
When we think of celebration, we automatically seem to think of a
group of people, a party, a social occasion. We think of many people eating,
drinking, laughing, talking.
With the holidays, it’s further amplified. Now, we add singing,
dancing, perhaps, exchanging gifts, encircling a Christmas tree, a Menorah, lighting
some candles, and being surrounded with a lot of stimulation. Everything is
altered, lit up, noisy, highlighted, and screaming, “Happy Holidays!” It’s
enough to make some of us start construction on a bunker or dig a hole in the
nearby snowbank.
Commemoration, however, is a different kind of word. It speaks to
a more solitary and quiet occasion. Maybe lonely, maybe grieving. Maybe
painful. Commemoration can often denote grief and death. What or who did we
lose? How are we doing with that?
What did you and I lose within this last year? Does that answer
prompt that we choose, this year, to commemorate instead of celebrate
during this season? There is nothing wrong with doing so.
Commemoration is personal.
Celebration also is often associated with the public: the
gathering, the party; the assembling of people is put on blast. It might be at
a community center, a theatre, a church or a synagogue, or a friend or family
member’s home. But it is often away from our home.
Or, if we find ourselves hosting some holiday event, in the name
of celebration, we often feel we are invaded. It does not feel like a friendly
visitation.
Commemoration, however, again, can possess a solitary quality to
it. Yes, there are plenty of commemorative events that are quite public. Yet,
often, the personal can get lost or obscured in doing that public treatment.
And, because of that, we can, perhaps, feel even lonelier and more
hopeless. It becomes about the bells and whistles, the decorations, the event
organization, the budget, the overwhelming components attached to the
commemoration.
Maybe we need to be private, and ruthlessly personal, right now.
Maybe we need to be alone. We can often get shamed for that alone
status. People can look at us, and ask, “What’s wrong with you?”
Maybe one thing is. Maybe it’s multiple things.
Maybe it’s a death, a crisis, a loss, or a struggle so profound that being
around other people hurts us.
There is nothing wrong with you and I choosing to forsake the
stressful celebration for the more calming, quiet commemoration. If something
means a great deal to us, let’s honor with the corresponding action that best
exemplifies a life well-honored. Sometimes, that is being quiet, removed from
the self-consciousness we’d encounter from other peoples’ eyes and
expectations. We have the right to take care of ourselves… with no one else
around.
And, we have the right to heal, as much as we can heal right now.
Commemoration is honest.
Celebration often lies. It disguises itself as happy, as joyful,
as carefree, as loving.
But looks can be deceiving. What is truly behind the
celebration? What are the ulterior motives?
Social status?
Keeping up with the Jones’?
Money?
Fear?
Obligation?
Guilt?
Doesn’t exactly sound so celebratory, now, does it?
But we try to reassure ourselves and others that “everything is
fine.” When nothing could be further from the truth.
If you and I are left to commemorate to ourselves, we maybe stand
a better chance in being honest with where we’re at and how we feel.
Who do we need to impress?
There can be a sacredness in the brutal honesty, far removed from
prying eyes. Some of us need that right now. Healing is often a quiet, not a
noisy, process. And it does its best work,
honestly done. To quote the old saying, it is the best policy.
Therefore, heal in truth.
Commemoration is authentically us.
The private, the personal, the honest have one major thing in
common: they all culminate to form us, our true selves. In commemoration, we
have an opportunity to be fully ourselves. Without distraction, potential
inauthenticity, noise, and pressure from others, we can connect with who we
are.
Commemoration can be whatever we decide it to be. It goes even
beyond the silent lighting of a candle. It is acknowledging the significance of
the pain, the loss, the death, the struggle. It is self-care. It is a real
moment and era in time for us. There is no one else’s feelings to protect.
There is no public image at stake. There is no expectation from “loves ones.”
Just us, by ourselves.
Celebration cannot give us that as fully. For, as wonderful as it
may be, its focus is outward, not inward.
Maybe, right now, what we need the most is inward.
Maybe, celebration is the last thing we need.
No matter how we may choose to experience this holiday season, may
we be truly ourselves in it, healing, experiencing the meaningful and
the authentic.
Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse
“Commemorate, If You Can’t Celebrate” explores how a quieter
approach may be best for us this holiday season.
Thursday, December 23, 2021
Where the Magic Happens (Outside That Comfort Zone)
“The lotus is the most beautiful
flower, whose petals open one by one. But it will only grow in the mud. In
order to grow and gain wisdom, first you must have the mud --- the obstacles of
life and its suffering. ... The mud speaks of the common ground that humans
share, no matter what our stations in life. ... Whether we have it all or we
have nothing, we are all faced with the same obstacles: sadness, loss, illness,
dying and death. If we are to strive as human beings to gain more wisdom, more
kindness and more compassion, we must have the intention to grow as a lotus and
open each petal one by one. ”
― Goldie Hawn
We are
creatures of comfort. We don’t like pain and uncertain circumstances. But
unfortunately, that is what life is all about- uncertainty. We cannot control
all of what we experience while we live. And that’s troubling.
Comfort zone
is an oft used term in our culture. Let’s face it, we all want to be in that
zone.
Yet, true
growth, change and meaning are not found in that comfort but rather outside of
it.
I heard
about how the majestic eagle deals with its offspring. When helpless eaglets
are just hatched, the parents create a cushy nest, safe and warm. There’s no
need for the young to get their own food; it is brought to them. They have a
luxurious life.
However, as
they grow, edging ever closer to adulthood, that cushy nest starts to change.
It is no longer the warm and comforting bed it used to be. Gradually, the
parents start adding sharp pieces of bone, twigs or even thorns, all for the
purpose of encouraging the eaglets out of it. Uncomfortable, the offspring
learn it’s best to get out of this prickly
nest, fly and soar into their lives.
Discomfort-
it can move us into all we are supposed to be in life. However, it’s up to us
if we go kicking and screaming or if we embrace the awkward pain of
uncertainty. It’s okay to have questions, to feel out of sorts, to stumble. That is human.
“I beg you, to have patience with
everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves
as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t
search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would
not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the
questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually,
without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young
Poet
And that is where the magic does happen.
Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse
Traditions: No Effect
“Making the word of God of none effect
through your tradition, which ye have delivered: and many such like things do
ye.”
Mark 7:13
The holiday
season is all about traditions. Families build their own, everything from the
food to the decorations to the outings.
Traditions
can be wonderful. However, seen through the prism of eating disorder rituals,
they can be imprisoning.
“Rituals
are both a tactic not to eat and also a piece of obsessionality associated with
anorexia. When eating disorders are starting, people will try to make it look
like they are eating by cutting things up and shifting food around on the plate
so as to not draw attention to how little they are eating.”
Cynthia
Bulik, PhD, eating disorder specialist at the University of North Carolina-
Chapel Hill
Traditions,
rituals- it all represents the same unrealistic expectation: perfection,
happiness and a sense of safety.
These
rituals can be anything such as counting to a specific number how many times
one chews his/her food before swallowing, meticulously counting calories or
eating from the same bowl and spoon. There’s an exacting precision attached to
keeping these behaviors- and a dreadful fear if one is unable to do so.
It certainly
doesn’t make the holiday season very joyful. And God has desired abundance for
us:
“…I am come that they might have life,
and that they might have it more abundantly.”’
John 10:10
Furthermore,
God has given us freedom to choose:
“All things are lawful for me, but all things
are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not.”
1
Corinthians 10:23
“All
things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are
lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.”
For someone
struggling with disordered eating, however, that’s easier read than lived.
Yet, if we
face our own truth about why we do what we do, fully aware of perfection’s
demanding and impossible nature, we can ease up on ourselves and be fully
present with the holidays as they occur.
“It may be helpful to
realize that the "picture-book" holiday sense is not a reality for
many people. Some cannot afford it, there are many single people who are not
close to their families or do not have a family, and there are many families
that do not fit into the dominant cultural model of "family". Do not
blame yourself for family or friendship conflicts. People are not different
during the holidays than any other time of the year. Remember that you are
responsible only for your own actions and for taking care of yourself.”
NEDIC Bulletin: Vol. 7, Coping With
the Holidays
National Eating Disorder Information Centre
(NEDIC)
Used with permission
And that’s
more powerful and life-giving than any
ritual!
Copyright © 2021 by
Sheryle Cruse
Not All Surprises Are Bad
In recovery
from my disordered eating and image issues over the years, one thing I had to
face was the complicated, unresolved father/daughter factor in my life. No, I
did not get the loving father/daughter relationship I so craved.
It’s taken
me years to connect the dots concerning my disordered mindset. Unfortunately,
yes, the family environment I experienced played a role.
Families of people with Anorexia Nervosa:
•• Enmeshed, overprotective,
conflict-avoiding
•• Unresponsive to patient’s
self-expressions
Families of People with Bulimia
Nervosa:
•• Parents are critical and detached
•• Characterized by hostile enmeshment
•• Non-nurturing
•• Emotionally unresponsive
Ohio State
University FactSheet. Used with permission
Still,
within that reality, I’ve had to look at a much bigger factor: the spiritual
one. And a large part of my healing has come from seeing how God, as Father, intentionally chose, wanted, desired and
loved me, regardless of what my human
father did or did not do.
“Since you were precious in my sight… I have loved you…”
Isaiah 43:4
“I have chosen you and have not cast you away.”
Isaiah 41:9
“The LORD hath appeared of old unto
me, saying, ‘Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with
lovingkindness have I drawn thee.’”
Jeremiah 31:3
“The Lord your God in your midst, the Mighty
One will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with
His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”
Zephaniah 3:17
And,
although I cannot change what was concerning my imperfect reality with my dad,
I can choose to embrace the real and eternal truth of my father/daughter
relationship with God, the ultimate
Father.
In the popular
television series, “Mad Men,” an episode entitled, “The Fog,” captured a
beautiful exchange between the protagonist Don Draper and his daughter, Sally.
In the
scene, father and daughter discuss the birth of the family’s second son.
Everyone thought it would be a girl, to which Draper responds…
“I thought you were
going to be a boy. Not all surprises are bad.”
This
heartwarming bit of dialogue again reminds me of how God views each of us
through His Fatherly, loving lens. We are specifically loved and chosen.
“All things were made by
him; and without him was not anything made that was made.”
John 1:3
There was no
regret or second thought about us, about who He created us to be.
Perhaps,
you’ve not had the unconditional love experience with your parents. Maybe
disorder and addiction have left their marks, fracturing family relationships
and healthy self-perceptions. Don’t believe the lie you were a mistake, an
accident, unplanned. Nothing could be
further from the truth as far as God is concerned! You may have been a
“surprise” to someone, but you have been intentionally, spiritually created,
with purpose, by God, from the start.
Again…
“Since you were precious in my sight… I have loved you…”
Isaiah 43:4
“I have chosen you and have not cast you away.”
Isaiah 41:9
It’s not too
late. Right now, God loves each of us, is thinking about us and desires a
wonderful future, filled with restorative love, healing and blessings. Right
now.
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the
Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
Jeremiah 29:11
Therefore,
choose to embrace a loving Father Who knew exactly
what He was doing when He created you.
“...I am fearfully and wonderfully made…”
Psalm 139:14
And yes, you
will be surprised at just how much, how completely and how uniquely, He will
love and connect with you!
Indeed, not
all surprises are bad!
Copyright © 2021 by
Sheryle Cruse
Wednesday, December 22, 2021
The Hungry Hungry Hippo Approach
When I was a
kid, one of my favorite games was “hungry hungry hippos.”
Ever played
it? The goal was to have your hippo, one of four, devour as many of the
marbles, positioned in the center of the game, as possible. By the press of the
handy dandy levers, each player could control his/her own hippo head and chomp
away as the feeding frenzy started.
Fun and
games, gluttony and appetite...
Playing that kid’s game started me
thinking more and more about these hot button words. They drive disorders and
addictions. I know that as someone who’s in recovery from eating disorders of
all types, they certainly were giant hippo heads chomping at my life.
Gluttony’s
definition lists itself as an “excess
in eating or drinking, greedy or excessive indulgence.”
And let’s
not forget about the fun word, “appetite,” describing itself as “an instinctive physical desire, especially
one for food or drink, a strong wish or urge.”
So, with that, we’re
off and running. Chomp away!
Yet we rarely
recognize exactly what we’re doing until it’s too late.
“For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to
do, that I do not practice: but what I hate, that I do.”
The Apostle Paul in Romans 7:15
This would
probably be a great time to mention I broke OFF one of my hippos’ heads while
playing the game as a kid.
Ideally, the
game wasn’t supposed to go like this.
We children were supposed to play
nicely, reasonably chomping for marbles. But inevitably, I got impatient and carried away. It was world domination time. And
so, my chomping became faster and harder, snapping for every white marble,
bashing heads with another hippo. The loud clatter made my mother come out of
the kitchen, just to make sure we weren’t destroying the furniture.
So, the fury
intensified until one head bash or marble chomp too many launched my hippo head
through the living room. I was now headless and powerless, all because of my
marble-hungry attitude.
But there’s
nothing new under the sun, according to Ecclesiastes. Once upon a time, just
like the kid’s game, there were some clear instructions provided on how to
play:
“And the LORD God
commanded the man, saying,’ Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:
But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it:
for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.’”
Genesis 2:16-17
But then temptation
came in. It may or may not have even been triggered by trauma. Nevertheless, it
was influenced by dissatisfaction, greed and a large dose of cluelessness...
“Now the serpent was more subtle than any
beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman,
‘Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?’ And the
woman said unto the serpent, ‘We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the
garden: But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat
of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.’ And the serpent said unto the
woman, ‘Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat
thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good
and evil.’”
Genesis 3:1-5
“And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and
that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise,
she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with
her; and he did eat.”
Genesis 3:6
Eating the apple or
obsessively playing a game? Same thing driving it- the “gimme more” demand.
So, now we have blurry
guidelines, impulsive decision making and confusion...
“For what I am doing,
I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice: but what I
hate, that I do.”
The Apostle Paul in Romans 7:15
Wonderful. We go after
our cravings, compulsions and addictions and we lose our way.
“All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned everyone to
his own way...”
Isaiah 53:6
We just keep chasing our
appetites, no matter that doing so brings ruin...
“Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and
sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.”
James 1:15
And lookie here, we get still
more confused...
“For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to
do, that I do not practice: but what I hate, that I do.”
Romans 7:15
Just like Adam and Eve, we also eventually
decide to blame God or someone/something else...
Genesis 3:12-13
Now we get it ALL wrong! If there’s
any confusion going on, it is not coming from God.
“For God is not the author of confusion, but of
peace, as in all churches of the saints.”
1 Corinthians 14:33
We’re
the ones who bring the disorder; we choose to recklessly play Hungry Hungry
Hippos until our heads come off and our life game breaks.
We don’t fully get we are in a battle,
especially if our chosen war toy is something notoriously irresistible, like
drugs, alcohol or food. If something remotely looks like a fun or a soothing
option, we tend to stick with it.
But, make no mistake about it, according
to Romans
7, we are at war.
“But I see a different law in the
members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a
prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. Wretched man that I am!
Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus
Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the
law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin.”
Romans 7:23-25
However, the answer is found within that war, even in spite OF the war: God.
Shocker!
He’s not intimidated or blindsided by
our struggles. He knows what’s going on.
“Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he
does not fall. No temptation has overtaken you but such as is
common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond
what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also,
so that you will be able to endure it.”
1 Corinthians 10:12-13
“For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.”
Psalms 103:14
And, just
like how He responded to Adam and Eve (Genesis
3:14-19; Genesis 3:23-24), He still chooses NOT to pulverize us.
Does that
stop us from encountering some consequences? No. Does that mean we’re hopeless?
No, it doesn’t. It means we need to turn our hunger, even our hungry hungry hippo
hunger, in a different direction: to HIM.
“For he satisfieth the longing soul,
and filleth the hungry soul with goodness.”
Psalms 107:9
There’s a
temptation to do a serious eye roll here; it seems too Pollyanna to be true. I
know. But let’s stick with the scripture for a second, even in the middle of
our battle weary, out of control selves.
And one more
thing about battle...the battle is God’s...
Proverbs 21:31 is an often quoted scripture,
especially when it comes to trials: “the battle is the Lord’s.”
However, when
I did some study on the scripture, what I came across was not the word “battle,” but “victory or “safety” instead. Check out
some translations.
New International Version:
“The horse is made ready for the day of battle, but victory rests with the
LORD.”
New American Standard Bible:
“The horse is prepared for the day of battle, But victory belongs to the LORD.”
American King James Version:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battle: but safety is of the LORD.”
Douay-Rheims Bible:
“The horse is prepared for the day of battle: but the Lord giveth safety.”
In all of
our fury, desperation, appetites and drives, we still, however, often skip over
this one important factor: God. And we could
be chomping at the bit at Him!
“...‘Love
the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your
mind.’ ”
Matthew 22:37
Furthermore,
there’s this little ditty from God to us...
“‘Since you were precious in my sight… I have loved
you…’”
Isaiah 43:4
So, the next
time we’re hungry, in battle, struggling or resembling a chomping hippo in any way, it might do us some good to remember the winning of the battle has less to do with our performance and more to do with our willingness to let God be God.
“Nay, in all these things we are more
than conquerors through him that loved us.”
Romans 8:37
Recovery
speak often calls it a moment of “surrender” or “clarity.”
What if we simply
called it being hungry for God?
“For he satisfieth the longing soul,
and filleth the hungry soul with goodness.”
Psalms 107:9
No hippo
heads required.
Copyright © 2021 by
Sheryle Cruse
Tuesday, December 21, 2021
Florence Nightingale
“You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.”
Who
would have guessed a doll could teach me about secrecy and lying?
When
I was a child, I received a much-desired china doll, actually named after
Florence Nightingale. So, obviously, when my mother bought her for me, I was
thrilled, so thrilled, I shared my excitement with the wrong person: my dad.
“Earthquake, thunder, fire and fathers.”
Japanese
Proverb
He
was, indeed, abusive. If my dad didn’t have a good day, neither did we. He’d
threaten us with each and every infraction. His booming voice would overpower
us. Mom, like most abused partners, spent her energy begging and trying to
bargain for a less harsh treatment. I would hide, usually unsuccessfully. He’d
hunt me until he could corner and terrorize me according to his desired
specifications. This explosive yelling period usually lasted two or three days.
And then there would next be the silent treatment of anxious tension, lasting
another two or three days. Mom and I knew better than to talk to him during
this phase. Finally, there would be the relief phase, a return to “normalcy.” We
couldn’t predict how or when it would happen. Just suddenly, my dad would start
talking to us and we’d resume our lives. He never apologized. Mom and I were
just thankful we made it through another round…until the next time he’s
unhappy, then, of course, the whole thing would repeat.
Anyway,
back to Florence. Here is where I learned how to lie.
The Power of Deceit:
When
I made the decision to share my joy about the doll with him, he erupted in
anger. Florence was a waste of money spiting his very psyche. Threats and
terror were next; he tried to take her away from me.
As
that young child, I didn’t know enough about the abuse we lived. I only
experienced how “Daddy was mad sometimes.” Adding further complication, as only
a child can do, I honestly believed my dad would be happy by my happiness. I
hadn’t counted on his wrath. I hadn’t counted on him wanting to hurt me, simply
to secure/affirm his power.
I
am still astounded I wasn’t physically hurt. I’m equally surprised Florence
wasn’t either. He could have easily smashed her china head against a wall.
But,
the eruption was trauma enough. Following the abuse cycle our home established
all too well, I endured his screaming, laid low as much as possible and immediately
hid Florence from his view.
And,
in that instant, I learned how truth was not safe, nor desired. My dad didn’t
accept the new doll. I learned lying protects; truth hurts. And I ran with it,
incorporating that mantra into my forming addictive tendencies.
“He whose tongue is deceitful falls into trouble.”
I
needed to do whatever was necessary. I learned how to make something pretty on
the outside, no matter how ugly or painful it is on the inside. And my frustrated wounding eventually manifested
in things like eating disorders, perfectionism and constant anxiety.
Keep quiet; don’t tell. Be unheard. Continue to walk on eggshells.
Secrecy and deceit were weapons in my arsenal when
it came to “staying safe.” No one was interested in the truth anyway. What had
honesty gotten me? Punishment? Terror? Screaming? Felling worthless?
I learned, via Florence, anything which brought me
happiness was dicey, at best, in the eyes of my dad.
So, no more “show and tell” of any doll or toy I
received.
But, more than that, I learned to conceal weakness
and desire; he could easily squash it. No more “show and tell” of who was. I
employed stoicism. I always had my guard up, because I could never predict when
his mood would swing in a menacing direction.
And that only escalated my anxiety: disordered
eating, emaciation, suicidal thoughts and an oppressive drive to be the out of
reach embodiment of “perfect” were all attempts to survive the warzone, actual
or self-imposed.
“The truth shall set you free.”
John 8:32
In the years since, through the various stages of my
faith walk, a large form of healing has sprung to my attention: there are no
secrets from the Most High.
“I know that thou canst do everything, and that
no thought can be withholden from thee.”
Job 42:2
At first, I was freaked out about that. I had
visions of Him ordering thunderbolts and lightning strikes to smite me for,
well, being me. I was quick to emotionally- and physically- flinch every time I
screwed up. Every sin. Every shortcoming. Every less-than-ideal situation.
But then, gradually- and imperfectly- I breathed a
spiritual sigh of relief. He knows. Elohim knows. And so far, no traces of
lightning singes coming off from my person.
Nevertheless, I could not get around Truth,
regardless of my permission or comfort level: I was choosing to participate in
behavior which was not healthy.
“There is a way that
seems right to a man. But its end is
the way of death.”
Proverbs
14:12
My addictive tendencies and their assorted
behaviors, reverted back to my childish hide and seek game toward Truth. The
lessons I learned about secrecy in childhood need not carry over into
adulthood.
“Casting down imaginations, and every high thing
that exalteth itself against the knowledge of Elohim...”
2 Corinthians 10:5
And if they did, as that adult, I had to own my
active choice in that.
“When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I
thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”
1 Corinthians 13:11
I still have Florence Nightingale. Sometimes, I
display her on my book shelf, remembering what I have learned from her.
And part of that lesson involves how nothing is a
surprise to the Father of us all. He knows the complicated backstory, the
triggers and traumas. He knows how we struggle, cope and fail when it comes to
dealing with these factors.
He knows we play hide and seek- especially from
Him...especially from ourselves.
He knows.
“Be not ye
therefore like unto them: for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of,
before ye ask him.”
Matthew 6:8
And that knowing never disqualifies the love.
In all of our experiences and struggles, how do our
beliefs concerning truth and secrecy impact each of us, even now? Scripture is
clear:
“For nothing is secret, that shall not be made manifest;
neither anything hid, that
shall not be known and come abroad.”
Luke 8:17
Secrets,
silence, lies, denial: they are all heart and life issues. We do learn what we
live.
Once we know
this then, how do we live WITH that reality?
We choose
that response.
Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse
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