Persistence

 

Jabez Prayer or Bust!

 

Scripture is still a part of my life and faith. I’ve branched out. I’ve learned about some different philosophies and practices. Yet, I admit, post- cancer diagnosis, The Jabez Prayer still influences me.

This prayer swept the Christian publishing world years ago. Workbooks and seminars were created to explore its attributes.

For those unfamiliar with the scripture, it’s a tiny little marvel, lost in what is not exactly the most exciting book of the Bible: 1 Chronicles 4, documenting Judah and Israel’s history. The little ditty goes like this…

“Now Jabez was more honorable than his brothers. His mother had named him ‘Jabez,’ saying, ‘Because I bore him in pain.’ And Jabez called on the God of Israel, saying, ‘Oh that thou would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, and that thine hand might be with me, and that thou would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!’ And God granted him that which he requested.

1 Chronicles 4:9-10

Now, before I’ve completely lost you in this Bible-y context, let’s just stop briefly and examine this prayer’s bullet points, in a more human framework.

Indeed, post- cancer diagnosis, I started viewing the prayer through this imperfect lens. It has become even more personal and, dare I say it, relevant.

Let’s break it down a little.

“Now Jabez was more honorable than his brothers. His mother had named him ‘Jabez,’ saying, ‘Because I bore him in pain...’

Okay, so we’re off to a fantastic start.

Names tell us a lot about a person. And it’s not confidence-instilling to be presented to the world as “Pain.”

We need to tackle first the ugliness of our origin story, even if/when pain is its central character. Breast cancer shoved me headlong into the reality of my past. I could no longer avoid it, especially as now, this dreaded diagnosis embodied fulfilled pain for me. No more dancing around it.

…And Jabez called on the God of Israel, saying, ‘Oh that thou would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory…

We need to call for help. There’s no passivity when it comes to crisis moments.
And, underscoring that, we need to decide, what do we want? To be blessed or not? It’s not such an easy question to answer. How many of us self-sabotage? How many of us are sadistic with ourselves? How many of us think that we deserve pain and curses?

Yeah.

This part of the prayer not only calls a deeper 911, it confronts who we are and how we live.

Years ago, when I first encountered the Jabez Prayer, I saw it as the “gimme gimme” loophole to beg the Divine for my goodies. And those goodies included an enlarged territory of acceptance and acclaim.

But now, post-diagnosis, I see it differently. It’s about loving and accepting my own self-terrain. For as much external love, praise and applause out there, it means nothing if I cannot experience it within myself. I need to become more adept at self-love, self-compassion and yes, the infamous word, self-esteem.

I need HELP enlarging that territory indeed! How about you? Can you say the same?

…and that thine hand might be with me…

My past experiences taught me there was a malevolent force, not a loving one, ushering me into life circumstances and dictating outcomes. How many of us only see a wrathful God?

Part of my healing now, post-diagnosis, is to allow for good to guide me. Again, it all sounds so simple. But this is hard work. It involves trust in something beyond the finite human self. That is scary. It’s not about being naïve or stupid. It’s not about forsaking our own sense of responsibility for our choices. It’s about allowing for more. More can exist, without giving detailed explanations or soothing reassurances. A first step to experiencing the benefits of that “more presence…” is to ASK for it.

…and that thou would keep me from evil…

Further piggybacking that sentiment, we can make the choice to ask to be protected. We can make this request of ourselves. We don’t need to be subjected to harm.
We can make another choice. And part of making that different choice is that we allow protection from our own malevolent intentions and actions. We can be our own worst enemies. The cliché is true.

What are we willing to do with that?

 …that I may not cause pain!’…

Accurate self-assessment and personal responsibility are central themes to this part of the prayer. Again, many of us can often have distorted definitions of what constitutes “our fault,” versus what we should be accountable for. It’s tricky.

But we do have an inner knowing about right and wrong. It goes beyond religion. You and I know when we have crossed a line. With that knowing, however, human beings are far too adept at creating pain. No matter how nice or loving or sweet we claim to be, that reality humbles us.

Perhaps, for everyone and everything we have the potential to help and heal, we also have the potential to harm. Therefore, we need an accurate assessment of ourselves, even while we pray any altruistic or desperate prayer. We have not transcended being imperfect and all the wreckage that can come with that state of human being. But we are not responsible for every evil, either. We’re in the murky middle.

…And God granted him that which he requested.”

Here is probably the most concentrated “Bible-y” point of the Jabez Prayer: God. Lightning rod. Controversial statement. Conjectures, debates, maybe even bar fights abound because of this point.

“I don’t believe in God.”

“This isn’t the ‘right” or the ‘true’ God.” 

“There’s no such thing as God.”

“It’s all just a con job.”

I still adhere to the tenets of my Christian faith. But I concur with yet another scripture that that’s states how I see through this spiritual looking glass darkly, at best (1 Corinthians 13:12).

No one has the exacting answers. And here is where the “F-Word” usually gets trotted out: Faith.

Faith is an infuriating concept, because, after all, I want to KNOW!!! I WANT ANSWERS!!! I demand to speak to the cosmic manager already!

But all that I’m left with is getting “Ma’am-ed” to Kingdom Come.

Faith declares that we don’t know for certain. How very dissatisfying! Still our spirit, soul, inner being, instinct, aura yearn and reach for something beyond finite, tangible answers. There has to be something to that, right?

My cancer diagnosis has got me reaching. And yet, even, slamming down my “Cancer Card” hard doesn’t qualify me for all answers, all certainty.

But it is possible that I am being granted all that I seek, in-process, right now. In messy, imperfect, frustrating process, I am my own interpretation of Jabez. A well-known scripture, cited ad nauseum, admonishes us to “ask, seek, knock.”

Isn’t that we are doing, somehow, someway? Even in the most content and complacent of us, we still want something more?

Jabez is about wanting more. It’s not greed. It’s human need, the essence and the dignity of humanity. We don’t need to apologize for or be ashamed of that.

I apply the prayer, in earnest.

I await and engage in the results from- and because of-it.

Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse

 

 

It's Okay

 

From the Inside Out

 

Today is a New Day

 

Struggle and Progress

 

Job Description

 

Job descriptions are a much-needed necessity in this world, beyond areas of employment. Indeed, for those of us who especially struggle with healthy boundaries and codependency, knowing what the job description is within relationships, what we are and are not responsible for, can be sanity and sometimes, literal lifesavers.

Each of us needs to learn how to navigate the unrealistic expectations that constantly fly at us. And unfortunately, most us are improperly taught unhealthy and dangerous job descriptions. We are groomed to believe we must rescue, be there, available, constantly forgiving and allowing, no matter what toxic person or circumstance arrives in our lives. Many of us are taught to “just take it.”

Our health, our relationships, our families are, therefore, at risk. The stakes are high.

So, let’s look at some of the harmful, mistaken thoughts that we wrongly absorb and try to apply in our lives.

Be liked.

Right out the gate, we believe an impossible doozy. Oh, just be liked. By everyone. All the time. Without fail. What could possibly go wrong with this job description?

This is deadly peer pressure, even though, most of the time, it’s self-generated. We agree to the all-encompassing terms.

“Yes, I’ll be liked, even if it’s not good for me, even if it’s unsafe. Because, in the end, being liked by this person, by being pleasing in this situation, will be worth all of the trouble.”

Only, it doesn’t quite work out that way. For, in this gigantic, unhealthy and unsafe job description, we find more subtle, and just as dangerous, other descriptions. “Be Liked,” is the governing mandate to all other dysfunction.

Case in point?

 Fix or Save People.

Ay-Yi-Yi.

This unhealthy part of the wrong job description we internalize has us repeatedly coming back and staying in harmful situations with harmful people. Addiction and abuse are rife with these dynamics. We supply, protect and enable someone, sacrificing ourselves, all because we love them and genuinely believe our “help” is helping them.

It is not.

Yet, we believe it is helping because, somehow, we need to believe it is helping. If we fail to adopt a Savior role, we believe our very identity can be at risk. And, for some of us, that is unacceptable, even life-threatening.

Do it all.

Likewise, we can also adopt another oppressive mandate in a harmful job description: we must do absolutely everything. We must be Superman or Superwoman. No excuses.

It doesn’t matter if we work full-time, are raising a family, are caregiving, we must do way more than is asked of us. After all, we, again, want to be liked.

So, somehow, we rationalize, we will find a way to get everything done.

Please everyone.

We believe fulfilling the toxic job descriptions, including doing everything, will successfully accomplish being perfectly pleasing. Again, we’re back to “be liked.” We’re back to our Savior role and function.

What do we fear if we’re not liked, if we’re not being pleasing?

Rejection? Loss? Failure?

For some of us, that is too high of a price to pay. We envision the worst-case scenario, so much so, we dare not even ask ourselves the hard questions, let alone, answer them.

We just cannot go there.

Hold it together.

And that, therefore, ushers in yet another harmful principle in our unhealthy job description. We think can hold it all together somehow. Spinning plates? Sure. Why not add a couple more?

We can easily believe we are the only ones to solve all problems, tasks and issues. No need to delegate; I got it. No need to ask for help; I got it. No need to say no; I got it.

Only, we don’t have it. We have a mess. We have a breakdown coming our way.

Much like the self-imposed pressure to “do it all,” we, likewise, expect that we will prevent, sustain, protect and help a circumstance perfectly, without any fallout or untimely event throwing a wrench into everything. Perfectionism is a hard taskmaster; it’s unreasonable and irrational. And impossible.

And unhealthy.

For perfectionism, in its supposedly “noble” pursuit, inevitably, has us obsessing on image over truth, no matter what the situation may be. We may not be aware that we are doing this; we may have no intention of doing that. But impact has the final say.

For, in our striving to “hold it all together,” we, consciously or unconsciously, give sole importance to how something appears. If things “look” healthy, pretty, organized, happy or “right,” we can tend to believe we are, in fact, doing our job effectively.

But take a closer look beyond that beautiful smiling face, that supposedly fit physique, that Norman Rockwell-looking family, that well-ordered life, and what really is going on there? Addictions? Abuse? Depression? Toxic relationships? Criminal activity?

What if we worked on healing the mess, not just making it aesthetically pleasing?

So, What IS My Job?

Each of us does have a job. It’s not about avoiding all responsibility. Rather, it’s about taking appropriate, realistic responsibility for ourselves.

Such a small thing? Far from it.

The antidote to being liked? Love people.

This seems like a no-brainer. And how many of us, doing the dysfunctional job description behaviors, thoroughly believe we are doing it “out of love?” But love looks different than codependence, than enabling an unhealthy choice. Loving people is far different than being liked. Sometimes, they are diametrically opposing to one another.

Loving people sometimes means not helping.

We can, without knowing or intending, cause someone’s death, because of our supposed love for them. Think drug addict who overdoses because we supply them with the money and the substances to do so.

Loving people sometimes means saying no.

This is the ultimate test to us people pleasers, isn’t it? We fear rejection, scorn, not being viewed as kind or valuable. We risk someone’s unflattering opinion of us.

Loving people sometimes means no longer being in relationship with them.

There are times when we need to let others go. Dissolve and sever the relationship. It’s too detrimental to stay connected. It means imminent destruction. We need to accept that this death must occur.

And then, we need to grieve that loss.

The antidote to fixing or saving people? Be authentic.

We cannot save or fix anyone. Yes, we can “help.” But we need to scrutinize what is help… and what is not. The root of ascertaining that involves authenticity. We must be real and honest with what is happening and how we are contributing to that situation. Perhaps, our “help” isn’t help at all. Perhaps it is harm. Perhaps, because we fear facing the truth ourselves, we opt to be someone else’s solution. Doing that is selfish, counterproductive and unloving to ourselves.

We need to recognize that being authentic sometimes means that we will have limits. And we need to enforce that reality. Sometimes, we shouldn’t give people endless chances. Sometimes, constantly giving money to an addict of any kind, keeps everyone in disease, instead of recovery.

Sometimes, we need to recognize we choose to be inauthentic because we see it as easier. And, as unflattering as it sounds, we like the path of least resistance.

Being authentic isn’t that. But it is integrity. And when you and stay choose integrity over ease, we have the realistic peace we have been craving our entire lives.

Being authentic does not equal being pleasing. But it does equal being our honorable selves. It is scary, but it’s worth it.

The antidote to doing it all? Take the next step.

Once again, we get caught up in perfectionism. We fail, then, before we even start.

Somehow, we believe that, unless and until we can do something perfectly, it’s not worth starting. We magically think that all the stars must be aligned, this or that prerequisite must be in place, laying the perfect foundation for our plan.

And that perfect foundation, that perfect star alignment just never happens.

In the meantime, we up the stress ands pressure levels. With procrastination, comes heightened anxiety.

“Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the whole staircase.”
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Dr. King was on the money here. Life does not require all certainty and all answers be made available for us to take action.

Life is about doing the next thing. What IS that next thing?

Solving a world problem, completely and thoroughly? Or is it taking out the garbage? Brushing our teeth?

You may laugh at that. But really, life is about many small, ordinary, tedious tasks being accomplished on a daily, consistent basis.

How about we take things down a notch?  How about letting ourselves off the hook concerning perfection… concerning anything or anyone? There is no such thing. We do what we can; we have limitations.

We have the inherent right to live life without doing it perfectly.

Period.

The antidote to pleasing everyone? Speak my truth.

Authenticity and truth go hand in hand. It’s impossible, unhealthy and perfectionistic to please everyone. We will fail. Therefore, choosing to be truthful about ourselves can free us from pressure, whether it be self-imposed or implemented from others. We don’t need to be nasty or rude about voicing our authentic truth, only brave. It’s hard to go against the grain. Popularity contests are still around, long after high school has ended. Peer pressure. Conformity.

Yet, when we succumb to trying to reach those states of being, we seem to only feel constrained, trapped, like frauds.

We need a newer measuring stick, being our truthful selves. That remains when the temporary trend, situation, relationship dynamic, inevitably, changes or ends. The truth of who we are, should we choose to embrace it, remains.

The Antidote To Holding it together? Breathe.

Sometimes, we need to make things as simple as possible.

When you and I hit the wall, the realm of our finite beings, it is, therefore, helpful to remember to breathe. If we can do nothing else, while stuck in any moment, we can do that.

We hear so much, these days, about mindfulness, about being present and in the moment. What each of these things have in common for us, whether or not we recognize it as such, is breathing. It’s automatic. Most of the time, we don’t think about it.

But take breath away, literally, and suddenly, we are full conscious of it.

This is probably at the very center of our human job description: just breathe. Do nothing else right now.

Yes, I know, there’s so much going on.

Just breathe.

Yes, I know (insert any other reason or excuse)…

Just breathe.

We’ve all bought the lie of what our job description should be. We’ve all turned ourselves inside out; we have jumped through flames and hoops, trying to be “enough.”

We are that already. Our job description should reflect that.

Truth. Enough. Realistic truth. Not the lie any longer.

Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse

Is That So? (Consider the Source)

 

Is it true; is it kind, or is it necessary?”

Socrates

Words.

Words heal. Words kill.

We have all heard the expression, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

Yet life isn’t that simple when it comes to what is said to us, is it?

And nothing gets the painful ball rolling quite like hearing certain things from our childhood, often beginning with our family of origin. For here is where seeds get planted, lies get told as truths, and issues are born long before we realize them as such.

Some examples?

“You’re ugly. / “You’re fat.”

Almost from the start of our arrival on the planet, we are assessed and judged by our appearance.

Boy/Girl.

Healthy/Unhealthy.

And soon, before we know it…

Cute/Ugly.

Thin/Fat.

Value determinations are right alongside of these simple, yet powerful, words. We are often taught, usually at the speech of a trusted adult, that we aren’t good enough because of how we look in their estimation.

And it has nothing to do with who we are… and everything to do with who they are.

Consider the Source:

Hello, Projection.

Some of us with disordered food, weight, and body image issues, indeed, have endured this kind of projection. Perhaps there was a parent who struggled with his/her own weight, and, instead of dealing with those issues directly, saw an answer or a release valve in shaming us when we were small children.

Doing so, perhaps, allowed the adult parent to still self-hate and be critical but take no responsibility for his/her personal behavior. Placing the blame on someone external, even if that is a small child, redirects the source of the problem. Yes, it’s the child’s fault, not mine.

So, there are those of us who have absorbed the harmful lie that there is something wrong with us. We are fat. We are ugly. We are bad. We are wrong. We should work on fixing that, a/k/a, fixing Mommy or Daddy, to make things right.

It’s our job to do so, after all. Our childlike mind cannot withstand anything contrary to that punishing job description.

We want to be good boys and girls, right?

“You’re stupid.”

After our very image has been assaulted as children, what can usually come next is our intellect. Think about how many times you, perhaps, were told, “You’re stupid.”

And it is sometimes accompanied with the following question:

“Can’t you do anything right?

These commentaries attack or core being. Essentially, we, as children, can often absorb the message, “I’m too stupid to live, be loved, and to have self-worth.” That realized language may come later as we mature and even enter therapy.

But, make no mistake, as innocent children, we internalize the visceral experience solely as a defect in us. We believe there is something inherently wrong with us.

We’re “too stupid” for it to be otherwise.

Consider the Source:

People sometimes do not have our best interests at heart. In fact, sometimes, they live to have our worst interests motivating their behaviors.

Now, add the devastating factor of a so-called trusted adult, parent, or authority figure to the equation and see just how damaging the results can be!

Jealousy, insecurity, and schadenfreude (the term used to describe someone who delights in another’s pain or misfortune) are not limited to adult-on-adult relationships and interactions. No, often, their tentacles can spread from a fully grown adult, jealous, and insecure of the child within his/her midst.

For instance, a mother recognizes the special gifts and talents in her daughter. Those gifts and talents may be a high I.Q., a unique creativity, or a precocious communication style, so far advanced for the child’s tender years, that this adult gets threatened by it.

The adult may, indeed, feel “less than” whenever she is in her child’s presence. Insecurity, jealousy, and a need to “level,” to “take the child down a peg or a notch” becomes all-consuming.

If the adult cannot rise to that level of brilliance or intellect, naturally, according to the insecure parent, the only recourse is to eviscerate the child’s giftings and sense of self, so that the child, indeed, is the “less than” individual in the parent-child relationship.

“You’re worthless.”

This harmful statement is often uttered on the part of the parent and/or trust adult authority figure. It comes across, via image and performance-focused issues.

Some of us are told it outright. Some of us get the insidious constant message, communicated daily to us. We are inundated with beliefs like, “I don’t look the way I’m supposed to look,” “I don’t act the way I’m supposed to act,” “I’m wrong,” and “I can never do anything right.”

Therefore, it’s not too long before we draw the conclusion, if it isn’t dictated directly to us, “I’m worthless.”

Consider the Source:

Who told/taught you that?

Again, who is the first author of this harmful belief, directed our way?

We learned it from somewhere, from someone, after all.

But, perhaps just as important of a question is “Why did they tell/teach you that?”

 Again, it’s important to recognize that another person’s motivation, be they trusted parent or any other adult in our young lives, may not be noble, healthy, or loving.

When an adult, especially a parent, to a child, insists that child is value-less, defective, or only as good as the last thing achieved or perceived (focusing on the elusive image and perfectionistic mandates), it screams more of that adult’s inferior sense of self.

And again, that adult may wrongly determine the solution to their poor self- image is to make the child’s self-image worse.

It’s the adult’s issue, not the child’s. That is, unless and until, through abuse of the power and the charge the adult has over the child, the young and innocent party is now inheriting the unresolved issued of previous generations.

And the child doesn’t question why it’s happening, often times, because they implicitly trust that their parents, teachers, coaches and other “respected authority figures “know what they’re doing, love me, and want the best for me.”

In an ideal world, yes.

But do we live in that world?

Is That So?

These three little words can begin a relief-inspiring process of healing, if we are open to it, if we are willing to challenge the “reality” which appears to be so intimidating.

“Is That So?”

Incorporating these three words, saying them out loud to ourselves, and even to others can, indeed, place us on a path of heathier self-perception and choices.

You and I were fed any number of lies and harmful beliefs about who we were in the world. Many of us have been wrestling with that daunting setup since childhood.

When we were children, there was little we could do to fight against that harshness. The adults had the power, the ability, the control, and the force to execute whatever misguided, abusive, and evil will they desired to inflict upon us.

But we are adults now, empowered to choose something different, if, for no other reason, than to honor that long silenced and neglected child. The question is “Will we do that?”

Consider the Source:

As you and I consider each harmful source, speaking each harmful word into our lives, will we create another source, all our own? Will it be ourselves, someone who, when questioned if we are worthy already, someone who will confidently respond with an authentic and brave “yes?”

Let’s start being that kind of authentic and brave source right now, right where we are!

Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse

 

Good on Paper

 

“If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck…”

“What you see is what you get…”

This feels like your dream guy, girl, or heart’s desire.

It may be drop dead gorgeous person, who has a great career, makes excellent money, and shares your same values.

Perhaps it is the fantastic job, with the perfect benefits, a fantastic starting rate, a great parking spot, shares and stocks in the company, public acclaim, and all kinds of “perks,” beyond your wildest dreams.

Whatever the case may be, it appears to be “too good to be true,” certainly “too good to pass up.” It looks like everything you have ever hoped, wanted, and longed for your entire life. So why would- should- you hesitate and pause for self-reflection about it?

Reputation… or Character?

“When people show you who they are, believe them.”

Dr. Maya Angelou

When it comes to human beings, are we more taken by image or truth? What is more important to us: a person’s reputation or a person’s character?

Scripture’s take on Dr. Angelou’s statement also goes a little something like this…

“You will know them by their fruit.”

Matthew 7:16

“Actions speak louder than words.”

“Put up or shut up.”

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

That kind of thing.

Here is where we often betray our hearts, gut instincts, and intuitive natures. For love/lust/unmet need can often blind us to some serious red flags about a person.

Is this person honest?

Can we trust them?

What is their temper like?

Are they risk taking in their behavior, making us feel uncomfortable about their choices?

In short, concerning our welfare, as well as our hearts, are they safe?

“Good on paper” often likes to gloss over the uncomfortable answers to such questions. An image, a promise, an unspoken expectation may be, in fact, too alluring for us to see a situation clearly.

This, therefore, is where feeling can come in. How do we really feel about him/her? Be honest.

How we feel is not merely emotional; it can be physical as well.

How does something register with our stomach? Do we get a dry moth? Do we lose the ability to think and speak up for ourselves, because we are in shock from another person’s behaviors?

Basic questions, indeed, need to be asked concerning our feelings, often showing up within us physically.

Will this person commit to being there for me? What does that look like? What does that look like for him/her?

Is this person participating in healthy or unhealthy behaviors and choices? Do they abuse drugs and alcohol? Where do they stand on any addictive tendencies?

Is this person good TO me?

Is this person good FOR me?

Does this person have his/her own agenda? Are there ulterior motives for his/her presence in my life?

Is this relationship a one or a two-way street? Is reciprocity here?

Is this person merely “good on paper” only, or does he/she have the goods to back up their promises?

Count the Cost.

“Which of you, wishing to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost to see if he has the resources to complete it?”

Luke 14:28

Weighing. Pros and cons. Self-reflection. Scripture, again, has showed up, offering guidance and perspective.

And it is all about weighing the cost of something.

Practical. And sometimes, lifesaving.

“Which of you, wishing to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost to see if he has the resources to complete it?”

Luke 14:28

When you and I are presented with an opportunity, in any form, it calls for us to make a decision about it. This is no time to be passive, especially when, again, it looks to be too good to pass up. Whether it is an actual deadline, or merely time waiting for no one to catch up with it, each of our choices have consequences.

Therefore, it would be in our best interest to be thoughtful and conscious about that sobering reality.

“Good on paper,” again, challenges us to look beyond face value at that “good thing.” Is it really good? Or are there some definite hidden cons lurking under its surface?

Some of us out there have made a pros and cons list, measuring between the two options, observing which column looks better for our lives. That’s a great baseline. I think it needs to be followed with more pointed questions concerning the value of said “valuable, too good to pass up” thing.

Questions, perhaps, like…

Will this particular “wish fulfilment” opportunity be there for me long term? What does that look like for me?

Does this opportunity create and instill healthy or unhealthy behaviors and choices for me?

Will this opportunity create conflicts of interest, temptations and personal costs that are too high for me? What are those costs? Am I willing to pay them?

Do I want this… or do I only think I want it?

Is this opportunity merely “good on paper” only, or does it have the goods to back up its promises?

The Power of the Witness:

These questions ask, and possibly answer, as much about us as they do the “good on paper” thing we are contemplating.

“...In the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established.”

Matthew 18:16; 2 Corinthians 13:1

Our heart can be one witness. Our gut instinct can be another. Objective facts and statistics can be still another. And the feedback from other people and assorted entities, yes, can also weigh in.

What do you and I believe upon obtaining this feedback from more than one source, on more than one occasion?

Are you and I paying attention?

Or are we ignoring the signs, choosing to go full steam ahead with someone or something that may be harmful to and for us, in the long run?

It’s not to promote fear; rather; it’s about engaging in the thoughtfulness and wisdom, doing what is truly best for us. Critical thinking, because, after all, our lives are that important, worth doing this work.

“Good on paper” can, in the end, only bring us ripped paper. We need to be mindful of that.

However, making deliberate, healthy, and loving choices can, indeed, bring us life, love, and the true things we desire.

Choose well.

Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse

 

 

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Bashful: Exposing the Shy Narcissist

 

When most of us hear the word, “Narcissist,” we probably think of some exaggerated, boisterous, arrogant strutting peacock of a person. We think of over-the-top, attention-seeking behavior.

I thought that for many years. And I had numerous experiences with those types of individuals.

But there is another type of Narcissist out there. This person is flying under the radar, stealth, unassuming. Often called, the “Covert Narcissist,” they are also described as a “Fragile Narcissist” or a “Vulnerable Narcissist.”

But I think the best alternative term to describe these people is that of “Shy Narcissist.”

For whoever could think anything harmful could come from someone shy?

Just look at the image, featured here, of “Bashful,” from “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.” 

When you and I look at this little guy, there’s no fear that strikes our hearts. We don’t see a deadly, treacherous, manipulative enemy.

If anything, we feel compassion, maybe even a fond wish to take care of him. After all, Bashful looks so sweet and helpless.

And that, perhaps, is by design.

I’ve been challenged with a few Covert or Shy Narcissists in my life. In my experiences with Bashful, I’ve picked up on a few things, perhaps, some hallmarks of this certain type of Narcissist.

I’m Nice.

First, Bashful casts themselves as the “nice” person. “Nice” is code for harmless.

However, there’s often no harmless behavior to be found around such an individual. The “nice” mask allows for all kinds of sneaky tricks to exist. If we’re buying the image of sweet, innocent, Bashful, then we never take the opportunity, time or thought to look at what else is going on, besides this “niceness.”

“I’m Nice” is often the badge of honor a Shy Narcissist wears.

And what drives that behavior is the importance that Shy Narcissist attaches to image. Appearance, to many of these individuals, is often prized over truth. It is all about how something looks. There can exist an obsession, therefore, on the Shy Narcissist’s part, that they “appear” nice: nice in thought, word, and deed, as well as with their physical appearance and status.

Concerning my experience with Bashful, I have literally been coached to lie for them, to keep the illusion going, often at the expense of my well-being and safety. The “truth” was abuse, terror, addiction and unhealthy codependence. But, in their eyes, that truth was viewed as weak, uncomfortable and ugly.

What will others think if they knew what really was happening here?

That question, presenting unflattering reality, tortures the image-driven, Bashful.

Therefore, it must not be allowed to have air. It must be suffocated by the “nice” storyline, instead.

The “Shy Narc” wants only to be viewed in the most flattering light, even if that’s at the expense of someone else.

That’s not so nice, is it?

Don’t Pay Any Attention to Me.

Here’s a fun one.

Bashful, for all intents and purposes, is attention-seeking. Yet this Shy Narc will INSIST ON their Shyness, that they don’t need, or want, any attention, whatsoever. They insist they are content, humble, and happy with their lives and how things are going.

But poke- or wait- around a little longer, and soon enough, ulterior motives and manipulation will pop up.

If Bashful is, indeed, truly ignored, like he or she claimed they wanted to be, eventually, an entitled resentment will surface. Bashful fully believes he or she is such an exemplary, unique human being, that it’s only inevitable they will be discovered to be the stars they are.

So, when that doesn’t happen on the Shy Narcissist’s timetable and precisely according to specification, “Houston, we have a problem!”

Bashful is now offended and a smidge more desperate. The Shy Narc’s very real need for attention, acclaim and praise is not getting met.

 Now what?

Bashful has already painted himself/herself in a corner by insisting, “No, don’t pay any attention to me.”

So, people oblige that request.

But that’s not what was supposed to happen. That was merely the cue for others to be mesmerized by Bashful’s niceness, star quality and, of course, humility, so much so, that they cannot help but gush over the Shy Narc.

And, since that is not happening, Bashful doesn’t give a moment’s pause for self-reflection. Nope. Instead, he/she doubles down with a Machiavellian approach: “the ends justify the means.”

Oh, boy, now we’re really having fun!

Bashful, instead of taking stock of things and owning their actions, merely looks around for a way to make the attention they crave happen.

And what’s the best way to go for that? By manipulating others to do your bidding!

YAY!

It’s more subtle than it sounds. In fact, not all Shy Narcissists are fully aware and intentional of the manipulative tactics they employ. Often, it’s unconscious. Yet the damage is still done. Bashful, knowingly or unknowingly, determines that other people will serve as the vehicles or the tools for their unfulfilled wishes.

The phrase, “living vicariously through another” springs to mind.

And indeed, that’s what happens. Bashful wants whatever he/she wants.

But this Shy Narcissist doesn’t want to let go of an image that is incongruent with that desire. Therefore, manipulation of another person must occur, so that Bashful’s reputation as a nice, humble, sweet individual stays intact.

Personally, I experienced this as I pursued the goals of a Shy Narc, doing the grunt work of achieving those realized dreams, while Bashful simply stayed behind the scenes, safely tucked away from criticism or judgment, never putting themselves out there. They were validated as I achieved their goals.

No muss, no fuss.

I’m a Helpless Victim.

Bashful is often oblivious to the harm he/she causes. Part of their “no muss, no fuss” conclusion, or any other Machiavellian conclusion, for that matter, emanates from their victim mentality vantage point. They are the only victims, ergo, they are entitled to whatever they want, especially if they perceive themselves to be “nice.”

For Shy Narc’s, being helpless is part of their allure. Look at the image of Snow White’s Bashful dwarf. Look at that face. Does it not scream, “Help me, love me, take pity on me?”

One rationale of a Shy Narc’s mindset dovetails into another, seamlessly.

“I’m ‘nice,’ ergo, I must tell you I don’t want attention (even though that’s all I can think about), ergo, I’m a helpless victim.”

 Here’s where the puppy dog eyes come out. Here’s where Bashful elicits sympathy.

Yet, the Shy Narcissist is not interested in getting help to get better. It’s quite the contrary, in fact. Bashful wants help because 1) It’s attention, 2) It’s validating they are important, and 3) They don’t want to do the hard or the unpleasant work, themselves, when it’s much easier to have you and I do it for them.

This, again, can be part of the “vicariously through another” phenomena. They want the “perks” without the “work.”

Well, we’d all enjoy that, wouldn’t we?

The difference between us and Bashful is that we know we need to work for what we want, while the Shy Narcissist thinks they’re “owed it,” simply because of who they are as a person.

“Why do it if someone will do it FOR me?”

Once again, Bashful requested I “help” them. I had no problem, initially, with helping. That was, until I saw how they completely stepped away and allowed me to do all the work.

That’s not help.

Bashful, however, doesn’t see it that way. They only see themselves as getting what they want.

And if it takes being helpless, while having someone else do all the work to make that happen, so be it.

You are Always Wrong; I’m Always Right.

Again, there’s more dovetailing going on; one thought dissolves into another. And, it seems, at the epicenter of all Shy Narcissistic thoughts exists this one doozy: “You are Always Wrong; I’m Always Right.”

Whoa. Okay…

Yes, this seems to be the foundational principle of any Narcissist. However, the Shy Narcissist, our very own Bashful, corners the market on weaponizing it against us.

“You are Always Wrong; I’m Always Right.”

You can just feel the impasse from here, can’t you?

Yes, our nice, helpless, victim-y Bashful appears to use that perspective concerning any stance we take with him or her. This is especially the case if we disagree with Bashful and do not operate according to their dictates and wishes. Whenever we “disobey” them, it’s usually not too long before we hear (or feel) this decree, stated outright or implied.

In my many encounters with a Bashful, I’ve been confronted with this reality the most when, quelle surprise, I was asserting my own boundaries. Yes, how DARE I take care of myself! The ultimate sin, at least, according to the Shy Narcissist.

Back in “the good ‘ole days,” asserting my boundaries had more to do with not attending a social engagement, one in which my presence was “a must.”

However, now, within the past two years, I see, more clearly, this sentiment and its attempts at coercion and manipulation, as I prioritize my health, within the context of my cancer diagnosis. Ah, yes. Now, things take on more significance. Life or death, depending upon how I choose to take care of myself.

Most people, you would think, would “get” the need to take care of oneself regarding cancer.

But Shy Narcissists? Not so much. They’re still operating under the principle, “You are Always Wrong; I’m Always Right.”

So, with that line of thinking, further buoyed by thoughts like, “I’m nice, I’m helpless, and I need to get attention in a sneaky way,” you can see how, not even cancer, holds up.

Again, look at the eyes on Bashful. The Shy Narcissist wants you and I to believe that they are most important, the most in need, the most deserving of all attention. Never mind our life-threatening disease. We’re wrong. They’re right.

End of discussion.

I enjoy the lies and the drama I create.

Bold is not a word you’d apply to Bashful. “Bold,” by its very definition, is the opposite of the word, “Shy.”

And that’s exactly how our Shy Narcissist wants you to think about it. Bashful’s sneakiness allows him/her to bask in some stealth power plays.

Make a fuss. Create a crisis. Act helpless. Elicit sympathy or pity. Get someone else fighting for you, doing the work. Sit back, looking every bit the nice, helpless victim. Enjoy watching other people fight over you, fight with each other, while you, Bashful, keep your hands clean, confidently, boldly, thinking things like…

…I’m safe…

…I’m untouchable…

…No one is any the wiser.

Shy Narcissists are not direct. And, any kind of delusional boldness in these statements, mentioned above, has to do with their cowardice and their evasive, fear of confrontation, communication and truth. They are viewed and described by their masks of nice, sweet and helpless.

And, all the while, they believe themselves to be far superior to any mere mortal who engages with them.

“Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.”
George Bernard Shaw

This quote is often used to depict the futility of engaging with a Narcissist. 

But I believe, in the case of a Shy Narcissist, Bashful views himself/herself as better than the mud pit. They won’t even get in; they won’t wrestle. That’s what other people are for.

Use as needed.

And, as long as we are willing participants, doing just that, Bashful is content and entertained. Bashful can keep believing he/she is better than us dirty pigs, rolling around in the muck.

Check Your Own Bashful Self…

And, while we’re talking about superiority, let’s do a little reality check on ourselves.

There is no inoculation for Narcissism. None of us are above having some Shy Narcissist tendencies. I say that, not to induce despair, but to promote healthy self-awareness.

Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

If we’re truly honest, we’ve all been a little “Bashful” from time to time. Perhaps we thought that being nice would work to our advantage. Maybe we’ve played the helpless card.

Or, even better still, maybe we think we’re always right about something, “and everyone else…” is wrong.

See yourself in any of this?

It’s okay. They say that honesty is the best policy. Start there. You can be uncomfortable, nervous, and disgusted by your behavior.

And then, you can change it.

Be direct. Be earnest. Be real. Be honest.

And, if you see any tendency toward manipulation, coercion or toxic victimhood…

Don’t be shy about it. Deal with it.

Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse