Your Hardest

 

You're Not as Terrible...

 

In the Way

 

“Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.”

Marianne Williamson

Years ago, at a family wedding, I was navigating a reception full of people. As everyone was milling around, trying to access the refreshments, I made the comment, bumping into people, “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to be in the way.” One person responded to that comment by saying, “You’re not in the way,” and it jolted me. I had a sudden awareness, just then, of those three little words, which seemed to govern much of my life: “In the Way.”

Yes, those three little words seemed to be there from the start, and, perhaps, explain some of my descent into disordered eating. I had been through therapy and had even having written a book about my experiences, including this excerpted poem:

“…I must be as small as dust…

Smaller

just take up

less space

less room…

Just be small,

Nothing,

No trouble

at all…”

“Famine (Little Girl Decided),” from “Thin Enough: My Spiritual Journey of an Eating Disorder” by Sheryle Cruse

 I thought I had dealt with things in a thorough manner. I thought I had dealt with the insidious triggers and issues that had plagued me throughout my childhood and young adulthood.

But, come on, it’s not that tidy, is it?

No, rather this wedding moment showed me how “in the way” was still a roadblock I encountered daily. But now, in more recent days, it had less to do with food or body issues… and more to do with feeling inherently worthy.

I know. Cliché much?

Yet, at this wedding I was confronted by my own personal negative associations regarding taking up space.

Subtext: taking up too much space.

The oppressive judgment here was palpable. Always screaming at me, “too much, never enough, too much, never enough.” It went beyond food, weight, and body issues. We’re talking soul level here: my mind, will, and emotions were constantly hounded by self-rejection. I held myself to impossible standards, always condemning myself for coming up short. I could not occupy my place on this planet “right.” I was not taking up the “right” amount of value space. I was, essentially, “in the way.”

So, what are some of the things we, perhaps, tell ourselves, convincing ourselves of this harmful perspective in the first place?

Our mere existence is blocking something better.

Right away, we are confronted by the lie we tell ourselves: we are inherently unworthy and value-less. The good old “not good enough” argument encroaches on us, insisting that someone or something is always “better” than us. No matter what we do or do not do, it doesn’t seem to matter. We are not as good as (insert that someone or something).

It is simply inconceivable to believe that we, all by ourselves, are enough. We don’t need to prove anything. There is no bar we need to reach. And we are certainly not a “placeholder” until that “something better” comes along.

You and I are “it,” right now. Let’s remember to act like it.

We are unwanted… by everyone… all the time.

This old classic.

For those of us who’ve survived any kind of abuse, especially from our family of origin, we have often internalized the harmful message of “I am not wanted.” Maybe we were literally told that, day in, day out, by our parents, partners, or spouses. And no matter how much therapy, positive affirmation, and healthier choices we may make in life, we still grapple with an embedded sense of unworthiness, don’t we?

Everyone wants to feel chosen. Yet how many of us actually experience that state of being on a regular basis? Life is grueling enough, filled with rejection at every turn.

And, for those of us who have endured abuse, that “chosen” or “wanted” status is the elusive carrot, constantly dangled before us, promising us the world and a life free of fear, pain, and unhappiness, only “if” we perform according to specification.

So, we chase the carrot, hoping “this time” it will work. “this time” the lie will be the truth. But it doesn’t quite work out that way.

Just more chasing.

And, all the while, we are in the barren land of feeling “in the way.” After all, what else are we to think? We’re not chosen. We are tolerated, at best.

This is often the mistaken, toxic belief of some other person, forced on us, largely because, many times, this person was an adult, a parent, an authority figure who supposedly “knew better.”

But, oftentimes, at best, they were products of abusive dynamics themselves. Call it pattern, generational curse, or cycle, the same toxic message gets passed down from generation to generation.

Left unchallenged, it continues to proliferate.

But we can interrupt and intercept that harmful message.

We can, after all, want and choose ourselves.

Eye roll all you want, but, having survived our traumas of childhood, destructive relationships, and unhealthy coping strategies (and, if you are reading these words, yes, indeed, you have survived your circumstances), you and I are now in a better position to make another choice… a better choice.

Small choice by small choice. Line by line. Precept by precept.

What teeny choice can we make right now?

We don’t deserve to want and need.

This old chestnut. The deserving of it all.

Oh, where to start, where to start?

Unworthiness messages, again, often start being received in our childhood experiences. Parents, peers, teachers, and other influential adults are just some of the usual suspects. We are told- and taught- that, inherently, we don’t deserve love, peace, and autonomy. Abuse steals those things from us, by denying our very right to experience them, by downplaying why we should seek them out, and by shaming us for desiring them in the first place.

But living with those things in our lives is vital, just, and warranted. We are not wrong for having needs and wants, especially for love, security, safety, and dignity. And if we are told otherwise, if we are told we are “in the way,” for hungering for those basic of human rights, that is simply a destructive lie, based nowhere in fact, only in a harmful agenda to control, manipulate, and abuse.

Remove the Stone.

Life can start out by piling on the avalanche of “in the way” rocks. But, eventually, we can become our own boulder. We can become our own abuser, if we’re not careful and mindful. We can stand as an obstacle to our ultimate purpose and happiness, and we can crush anyone and anything that comes across our path, trying to love and bless us.

We, all by ourselves, can do this. We can get in our own way.

But we can make another choice. We can accept we have the inherent right to take up space, to exist, to be loved, to be treated well. Is it easy? No. Is it a one-time thing? No.

But is it meant for each one of us, no matter what? Yes.

You and I have the right to exist, to thrive, to live, love and be loved, respected, and appreciated by others. We’re not second- class citizens. We’re not scraps, leftovers, or damaged goods.

You and I are not “in the way.” We belong in this life for powerful, meaningful reasons. Let’s find our way with that.

Copyright © 2022 by Sheryle Cruse

Is That So? (Consider the Source)

 

Is it true; is it kind, or is it necessary?”

Socrates

Words.

Words heal. Words kill.

We have all heard the expression, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

Yet life isn’t that simple when it comes to what is said to us, is it?

And nothing gets the painful ball rolling quite like hearing certain things from our childhood, often beginning with our family of origin. For here is where seeds get planted, lies get told as truths, and issues are born long before we realize them as such.

Some examples?

“You’re ugly. / “You’re fat.”

Almost from the start of our arrival on the planet, we are assessed and judged by our appearance.

Boy/Girl.

Healthy/Unhealthy.

And soon, before we know it…

Cute/Ugly.

Thin/Fat.

Value determinations are right alongside of these simple, yet powerful, words. We are often taught, usually at the speech of a trusted adult, that we aren’t good enough because of how we look in their estimation.

And it has nothing to do with who we are… and everything to do with who they are.

Consider the Source:

Hello, Projection.

Some of us with disordered food, weight, and body image issues, indeed, have endured this kind of projection. Perhaps there was a parent who struggled with his/her own weight, and, instead of dealing with those issues directly, saw an answer or a release valve in shaming us when we were small children.

Doing so, perhaps, allowed the adult parent to still self-hate and be critical but take no responsibility for his/her personal behavior. Placing the blame on someone external, even if that is a small child, redirects the source of the problem. Yes, it’s the child’s fault, not mine.

So, there are those of us who have absorbed the harmful lie that there is something wrong with us. We are fat. We are ugly. We are bad. We are wrong. We should work on fixing that, a/k/a, fixing Mommy or Daddy, to make things right.

It’s our job to do so, after all. Our childlike mind cannot withstand anything contrary to that punishing job description.

We want to be good boys and girls, right?

“You’re stupid.”

After our very image has been assaulted as children, what can usually come next is our intellect. Think about how many times you, perhaps, were told, “You’re stupid.”

And it is sometimes accompanied with the following question:

“Can’t you do anything right?

These commentaries attack or core being. Essentially, we, as children, can often absorb the message, “I’m too stupid to live, be loved, and to have self-worth.” That realized language may come later as we mature and even enter therapy.

But, make no mistake, as innocent children, we internalize the visceral experience solely as a defect in us. We believe there is something inherently wrong with us.

We’re “too stupid” for it to be otherwise.

Consider the Source:

People sometimes do not have our best interests at heart. In fact, sometimes, they live to have our worst interests motivating their behaviors.

Now, add the devastating factor of a so-called trusted adult, parent, or authority figure to the equation and see just how damaging the results can be!

Jealousy, insecurity, and schadenfreude (the term used to describe someone who delights in another’s pain or misfortune) are not limited to adult-on-adult relationships and interactions. No, often, their tentacles can spread from a fully grown adult, jealous, and insecure of the child within his/her midst.

For instance, a mother recognizes the special gifts and talents in her daughter. Those gifts and talents may be a high I.Q., a unique creativity, or a precocious communication style, so far advanced for the child’s tender years, that this adult gets threatened by it.

The adult may, indeed, feel “less than” whenever she is in her child’s presence. Insecurity, jealousy, and a need to “level,” to “take the child down a peg or a notch” becomes all-consuming.

If the adult cannot rise to that level of brilliance or intellect, naturally, according to the insecure parent, the only recourse is to eviscerate the child’s giftings and sense of self, so that the child, indeed, is the “less than” individual in the parent-child relationship.

“You’re worthless.”

This harmful statement is often uttered on the part of the parent and/or trust adult authority figure. It comes across, via image and performance-focused issues.

Some of us are told it outright. Some of us get the insidious constant message, communicated daily to us. We are inundated with beliefs like, “I don’t look the way I’m supposed to look,” “I don’t act the way I’m supposed to act,” “I’m wrong,” and “I can never do anything right.”

Therefore, it’s not too long before we draw the conclusion, if it isn’t dictated directly to us, “I’m worthless.”

Consider the Source:

Who told/taught you that?

Again, who is the first author of this harmful belief, directed our way?

We learned it from somewhere, from someone, after all.

But, perhaps just as important of a question is “Why did they tell/teach you that?”

 Again, it’s important to recognize that another person’s motivation, be they trusted parent or any other adult in our young lives, may not be noble, healthy, or loving.

When an adult, especially a parent, to a child, insists that child is value-less, defective, or only as good as the last thing achieved or perceived (focusing on the elusive image and perfectionistic mandates), it screams more of that adult’s inferior sense of self.

And again, that adult may wrongly determine the solution to their poor self- image is to make the child’s self-image worse.

It’s the adult’s issue, not the child’s. That is, unless and until, through abuse of the power and the charge the adult has over the child, the young and innocent party is now inheriting the unresolved issued of previous generations.

And the child doesn’t question why it’s happening, often times, because they implicitly trust that their parents, teachers, coaches and other “respected authority figures “know what they’re doing, love me, and want the best for me.”

In an ideal world, yes.

But do we live in that world?

Is That So?

These three little words can begin a relief-inspiring process of healing, if we are open to it, if we are willing to challenge the “reality” which appears to be so intimidating.

“Is That So?”

Incorporating these three words, saying them out loud to ourselves, and even to others can, indeed, place us on a path of heathier self-perception and choices.

You and I were fed any number of lies and harmful beliefs about who we were in the world. Many of us have been wrestling with that daunting setup since childhood.

When we were children, there was little we could do to fight against that harshness. The adults had the power, the ability, the control, and the force to execute whatever misguided, abusive, and evil will they desired to inflict upon us.

But we are adults now, empowered to choose something different, if, for no other reason, than to honor that long silenced and neglected child. The question is “Will we do that?”

Consider the Source:

As you and I consider each harmful source, speaking each harmful word into our lives, will we create another source, all our own? Will it be ourselves, someone who, when questioned if we are worthy already, someone who will confidently respond with an authentic and brave “yes?”

Let’s start being that kind of authentic and brave source right now, right where we are!

Copyright © 2022 by Sheryle Cruse

 

What's Actually Happening

 

And there she stands...

 

The Root of All Evil?

 

I’ve noticed, as a person of faith, that 1 Timothy 6:10 often gets misquoted:

“For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.”

Most of the time, people insist the scripture states how money is the root of all evil.

Nope.

As human beings, we, so often, get money all wrong: its purpose, its pleasure, its very existence in our daily lives.

Yes, money IS an issue, for each of us.

And we’ve all heard the phrase, “Money is no object.”

But it turns out to be the exact opposite of reality, in fact, doesn’t it?

So, let’s take a little stroll through money and see what it is about this sucker that can bring so much promise… and pain.

Money is an amplifier.

Do you ever notice that what we spend our money on seems to indicate a kind of theme, sometimes, an exaggerated, caricature-infused theme, to who we are as individuals?

For instance, if we look at our bank statements and see how we spent $3,000 last month at GummyBears Forever.com, it might not be a gigantic leap to assume we have a sweet tooth, or at least a gummy tooth. We like candy.

And our “candy” can be anything.

Clothes. Shoes. Drugs. Charities that help starving children or cute, fuzzy animals. Creepy porcelain dolls that keep staring at you wherever you stand in the room.

What we value is what, sooner or later, we buy, or, at least, try to find a way to buy.

Look at your own ledger right now. What is your theme?

Money amplifies. If we want to improve and help a situation, it’s an amplifier of that intention. If we want debauchery, it can, also, likewise, amplify that as well.

And, more than likely, we’ll need bail money.

It’s not about shaming anyone for their guilty pleasures. We need a bit of that in our lives, from time to time.

But it speaks to the issues of our hearts and what they focus on. What is that… truly? And be honest.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

Proverbs 4:23

Is it something that that can bring healing… or destruction? We have a say in creating that reality. What will we choose?

Money is a tool.

“… money answereth all things.”

 Ecclesiastes 10:19

By itself, money is neutral. It’s when the attachments and the associations come onboard that we seem to run into problems.

For some of us, that may mean we demonize money as “bad,” as something that only encompasses greed and corruption.

Perhaps, we were instructed as children that money is carnal, sinful, lustful. 

Maybe we were shamed for saving coins in our piggy banks.

Money can fund charities, feed the homeless, cure disease, offer practical, needed help the very second it’s needed, provided IF it’s allowed to function in that capacity as a tool.

And that largely depends on us.

Money is a tool, like a hammer. We can build with it. It can be used to protect, nurture, and help.

Money is a weapon.

Or, conversely, money, like that of a hammer, can be used as a weapon.

Yes, a hammer can also destroy as easily as it can build; a hammer can kill or maim. It all depends upon the person holding it.

Just like money.

“For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.”

1 Timothy 6:10

And again, we’re back to greed, along with its offspring like corruption, extortion, murder, theft.

And, before we get too smug with ourselves, reassuring ourselves that we don’t engage in any of that extreme behavior, that we’re not criminals, we are brought back to day-to-day reality, all the same.

Money can be weaponized in smaller, more subtle ways. We can view money as a means with which to control, exert power, and even perpetuate toxic love.

And we can all be guilty of doing this within the context of relationships. We can dangle the hope, the false promise over someone, assuring them that, yes, if he/she agrees to certain arrangements or parameters, then, indeed, there will be a payoff, making the whole thing worthwhile.

But it isn’t that clear cut, is it?

After all, there exists the phrase, “when you marry for money, you get what you pay for” for a reason.

A price will be paid.

And what is the payment? Your life? Your health? Your sanity?

Is that a fair trade?

Each of us, then, perhaps, would do well to remember we can just as easily harm someone by our attitudes and actions concerning money, as help them. Our thoughts can determine our deeds.

Will we allow ourselves to use money as a weapon, in big or small ways?

Money is a Healer.

Before we fall into despair that money is just too hopeless when handled by us mere mortals, we also have the capacity to employ it as a healing instrument.

Again, it speaks to opportunity… and our willingness to TAKE the opportunity.

“Withhold not good from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it.”

Proverbs 3:27

The decision to allow for healing is not passive. It requires deliberate, conscious, action-filled caring and intention.

Money is no object. Indeed, it is not.

Rather, it is a portal of a fully alive and engaged life-sustaining force. But we need to choose that life option for ourselves, each time we deal with money.

Will we?

Copyright © 2022 by Sheryle Cruse

A Narcissist’s Prayer

 

When I was a child, I was at the dinner table with an adult family member and everyone was saying grace, everyone, that is, except this individual.

As a filter-less child, I noticed this and spoke up about it.

“Why isn’t (this person) saying grace?”

Another family member, clearly uncomfortable and trying to do damage control stammered, “Well, (this person) is, in their own way.”

Meanwhile, I saw this non-praying person, the one “praying in their own way,” seethe with raw rage, making the entire table fearful of the wrath that was about to reign down.

Little did I know then, as I know now, I had just witnessed the Narcissist’s Prayer.

I happened upon a post about Narcissism, online, months ago, called the Narcissist’s Prayer.  It goes like this:

That didn’t happen.

And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.

And if it was, it’s not a big deal.

And if it is, that’s not my fault.

And if it was, I didn’t mean it.

And if I did, you deserved it.

Yikes. Yeah.

So, going back to my childhood prayer incident, I saw just how I was, indeed, being taught this prayer, not only by the Narcissist, but by those people surrounding the Narcissist as well.
That didn’t happen.

Cognitive dissonance 101: That thing you experienced? Yeah, you didn’t experience that at all. You’re mistaken. You’re stupid. You’re being silly.

Let’s face it, gaslighting makes things easier on everyone else, doesn’t it? By utilizing gaslighting, people can avoid the discomfort of addressing uncomfortable, confrontational, adversarial truth.

Yeah, that could ruin dinner.

Or confronting the situation could expose abusive, toxic, unhealthy relationships and behaviors that are harmful and not acceptable for anyone to display, at any age.

But, too often, the “adults in the room” determine they know what’s best. And dealing with an issue addressed “out of the mouths of babes” is not what’s best, according to them. It’s inconvenient. It’s unpleasant. It ruins an arrangement, a deal struck, a system that seems to be working “for everyone else.”

Therefore, the decision is made, and the person pointing out something everyone else wishes to ignore, is sacrificed for the greater good: of the family, of the group, of the organization or of the system.

Therefore… that didn’t happen.

BUT IT DID HAPPEN.

As a child, I learned to distrust my gut instincts, deferring to someone’s opinion, “who knew better.” And again, being in that kind of headspace can work great for those people who want to keep the lie or the dysfunction going.

You and I don’t have to be children for that vulnerability to exist. It can happen at any age, with any person, because we are trained to make someone else’s determination more important than our own intuition.

And we need to know, especially if we’ve never been taught or encouraged to embrace this lesson, that we are capable of knowing what’s real, of knowing we are capable for calling a situation accurately.

If something feels off to us, nine times out of ten, it’s off.

And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.

And if it was, it’s not a big deal.

“You’re overreacting.”

Ever been told that?

That must be the pet statement of a Narcissistic system, too invested in controlling other people with cognitive dissonance and gaslighting. The mission is to invalidate, confuse, cause self-doubt, and, therefore, silence and stop anyone who dares to speak out against abuse and mistreatment.

The statement is even more insidious, as it is cloaked in diffusing a situation which, left unchallenged, “could get out of hand.”

So, hush.

Concerning my childhood experience, my observation that the Narcissist was not praying was met with the explanation, ““Well, (this person) is, in their own way.” I was taught to not trust that I knew what praying looked like. I was taught to see that “in their own way,” instead, involved, no actual praying, but explosive rage instead, and then, further minimization of my observations and fears continued from there.

Here, I was instructed, far from the dinner table, that my apprehension wasn’t warranted, all because, concerning this family member, “at least didn’t hit me.”

What?

As a child, I had no idea how to deal with comparative abuse. How could I?
Why did someone have to get hit to have something be wrong, scary, or dangerous? Why was someone else’s interpretation of “what’s really bad” grounds for convincing me I shouldn’t be alarmed by my situation?

Abuse and mistreatment: it’s not a competition for “who had it worse.” All are terrifying and should not be allowed to continue.

But the Narcissist and his/her allies enabling him/her, are all about erecting criteria of why they are right and you and I, the targets of abuse, of any abuse, are wrong. The Narcissist, and those who support that person, are interested in keeping status quo, towing the line, and creating life experiences that are toxic, not healthy. “Healthy” means the Narcissist wouldn’t always get their way.

And we can’t have that happen, now can we?

And if it is, that’s not my fault.

Again, as a child, far from the dinner table, I was schooled on how my “outburst” caused the rage. You know the old phrase, “children should be seen and not heard?” Well, I, as a child, was solely responsible for the rage of this other adult, all because I dared to be both audible and visible. I should know better than to ask a question no one else wanted to answer. Asking a question equaled an unruly, childish outburst. I should know better.

But it wouldn’t have been any different if I had been an adult, questioning the same situation. It wasn’t about the age of the questioner. It was about the forbidden mandate to ask the question, in the first place. That was unacceptable, tantamount to treason of the highest violation. Indeed, doing so, would “go against the family.”

And, as we all know from watching “The Godfather” films, “no one goes against the family.”

So, the defensive strategy toward the vile offender is to punish that person and convince them they are to blame.

I experienced other family members telling me, the child, if I just were quiet, cooperative, and a good little girl, I wouldn’t have upset this person so. Compliance. Failure to go along with that? Well, I guess I internalized the message: I got what was coming to me.

This is a form of cognitive dissonance and gaslighting. It shifts all personal responsibility and rightful accountability, from the abuser to the victim.

“You made me beat you,” in essence.

But again, it doesn’t always have to be extreme physical abuse. It can be the more subtle mental and emotional mind games, planting seeds, deep with us, that we are the problem, the burden, the cause.

We start to believe, “If only we could just act right and be good…”

If only…

And if it was, I didn’t mean it.

Excuses.

They are a staple of many Narcissistic abusers, and the people who support them.

As a child, I absorbed the blame for this grace at the dinner table scenario.

Okay, I reasoned…

 I was wrong to believe this person wasn’t praying.

I was wrong to ask about it and call attention to it.

I was wrong because I got this person mad.

I was wrong because this person was special, and therefore, had full permission to show scary rage.

I was wrong because, no matter what I did or did not do, it wasn’t enough. I was to blame for ALL of it.

That’s an enormous amount of information for any person to carry.

Now, let’s add something more to that cargo, shall we?

As if I wasn’t feeling upset enough, confused enough, and troubled enough, now I had family members telling me such things as “They didn’t mean to do it. They don’t feel very good about themselves inside.”

Are you kidding me?

So, now, I’m supposed to take all of this on the chin because of someone else’s lower self-esteem issues? That is what gets this person yet another free pass?

Again, personal responsibility and accountability for one’s actions were nowhere to be found, at the dinner table, or anywhere else, for that matter.

I was informed, repeatedly, how I needed to make allowances, how I needed to be understanding and tolerant of this person, and their poor behavior. After all, they “couldn’t help it.”

How many of us have been told these things about an abuser? How many of us are gaslit into accepting responsibility for the abuse the abuser caused towards us?

Now, the cognitive dissonance gets ramped up even further. Now we can really enter codependency land. The assertion (the lie) we believe is this:

“Not only am I extremely to blame for my behavior, but I am also responsible and to blame for any other person’s bad behavior, especially if they mistreat me. I am to blame, for everyone’s sins, behaviors, thoughts, words, and deeds.”

And that sets the stage for the last part of the Narcissist’s prayer…

And if I did, you deserved it.

Blame, blame, blame!

Look no further than to you and me, huh?

Not surprisingly, this childhood dinnertime event was not the only time I encountered the Narcissist’s Prayer. It just laid much of the groundwork for the incidents yet to come. And that groundwork taught me the lay of the Narcissistic land:

There are special rules for this person.

Preferential treatment is, of course, a given.

There is a special set of truths for this person in the world.

And they get access to them all.

You cannot partake of any of their perks. For, that is not your role and function.

Yours, good news for you, is merely to serve this Narcissist, to serve this abuser.

That is your lot in life.

Congratulations.

(I’m sure Hallmark makes a card for just this situation).

Indeed, as childhood evolved into adolescence and then into adulthood, I learned, like many of us caught in these abusive dynamics, that we are simply here to endure and be at the mercy of whatever this abusive, disordered, dysfunctional person wants to do with and to us.

It’s not a message we internalize and live from a one-time encounter. It is the daily slights, the daily injustices, the daily injuries, sometimes, even mixed within the “good times,” that have us believing the tenets of this toxic prayer. We know it feels unholy to us. But, because it is normalized so often, we get to a point of resigning ourselves to our fate.

We can believe our prayers are not heard, because the Narcissist’s are. We need only look to the evidence known as our lives. They get carte blanche. We get Hell.

But right here, right now, we need to dismantle that Narcissist’s prayer. It is who that toxic person is, not who we are.

In short…

That didn’t happen.

Yes it DID! You and I witnessed it!

And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.

Yes, it was that bad! It hurt us; it changed us.

And if it was, it’s not a big deal.

It is a big deal. It has affected our lives in significant ways.

And if it is, that’s not my fault.

It is our abuser’s fault. Their choices and actions have consequences. They are responsible for those consequences.

And if it was, I didn’t mean it.

They meant it; it was easier for you and me to absorb blame and shame than it was for them to face what they did. And they let us (or made us) take their issues on because it benefited them to do so.

And if I did, you deserved it.

You and I did not deserve to be abused or mistreated. It didn’t matter what we did or did not do. Someone else abusing us is never right, never acceptable, never good childrearing, never loving, never discipline or something that’s “for our own good.” You and I were harmed. Anything else challenging that is a lie, a manipulation, or a justification. We were harmed and it wasn’t right that we were.

That is the truth.

Let us all say, “Amen!”

Copyright © 2022 by Sheryle Cruse

 

I Hope...

 

Your Fundamental Nature

 

Borrow Them

 

When...

 

It Matters